Anxiety causing me to ruin things
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. Every year there is a new obstacle we have to face. Our life is never easy, he has a cafe with his brother which exhausts him. For the last 6 weeks his brother has been in and put of hospital and now cant work. My husband is doing both jobs and staying late to prep each afternoon. He nearly cheated in the first year of our relationship. I cant help but get fearful of the unknown. I know hes exhausted but I cant stop the thoughts hes cheating. Last night he got angry at me for questionong where he had been and our circle of my mistrust goes around again.
I fear I'm pushing him away. I've tried to explain the pain and fear but it's getting old. Its getting old for me too! I'm sick of feeling like this!
Will it go away when his brother returns or am I just not ever going to fully trust the man? Is 4 years too long to hold on to something?
I need certainty in my life, how do I explain this?
Sorry a lot of questions but I'm sincerely trying to improve myself and be good partner.
Thanks:)
@powerfulHemlock7516
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. Every year there is a new obstacle we have to face. Our life is never easy, he has a cafe with his brother which exhausts him. For the last 6 weeks his brother has been in and put of hospital and now cant work. My husband is doing both jobs and staying late to prep each afternoon. He nearly cheated in the first year of our relationship. I cant help but get fearful of the unknown. (This has to do with anxiety, but also the fear you feel is normal because he nearly cheated on you, so it will intensify the abandonment issues you have. It's hard to sleep with both eyes closed after what happened) I know hes exhausted but I cant stop the thoughts hes cheating. (There's a chance you don't feel loved or cared by him, so it could be one of the reasons you might think he is cheating) Last night he got angry at me for questionong where he had been (If i were him I wouldn't have gotten angry, instead I would have show empathy and understanding with the situation, but after awhile it might get overwhelming. You fear being abandoned in the same way you were abandoned growing up, so it becomes tough to soothe your own anxiety) and our circle of my mistrust goes around again. (I could see why you would mistrust him after what happened, but I can tell this is something you two never fully resolved, it's like you both decided to stay together without finding clousure to this situation).
I fear I'm pushing him away. I've tried to explain the pain and fear but it's getting old. (You are trying to explain and share how you feel, but he probably gets mad or dismiss the situation. I do believe you are trying to tell him that you don't feel loved by him, so this could be a way of you trying to say this to him. I do know that if you felt loved and he romance you then the mistrust would become less because you would feel connected to him, but him being so busy probably caused him to neglect you) Its getting old for me too! I'm sick of feeling like this!
Will it go away when his brother returns or am I just not ever going to fully trust the man? (Probably not because you two haven't had time to become connected again) Is 4 years too long to hold on to something? (If it's unresolved and pushed under the rug because you were perhaps afraid to leave, then yes it could stay for long periods of time)
I need certainty in my life, how do I explain this? (I think the right word isn't "certainty", the correct word is reassurance, it's what you are actually looking for from him. You want to feel connected and loved like before, however he is not able to give you certainty because he probably lacks empathy.)
Sorry a lot of questions but I'm sincerely trying to improve myself and be good partner.
@freshLight64
Thanks for replying. I'm having trouble replying. I write something and then it disappears. Very frustrating!
@freshLight64
I think his empathy is low because he thinks I should be empathetic to him atm. I truly am but I cant help but being stressed over it all too. I text this morning owning my insecurities, saying I understand his frustration and I'm sorry. Havent heard back and he turned off on his phone read receipt. Hes very busy so I dont know if its deliberate
@powerfulHemlock7516
I think his empathy is low because he thinks I should be empathetic to him atm. (This is going to make you feel disconnected because of the way he is talking at the moment. He is not actually listening to you, it will not make you feel heard and understood by him, and then you will end up doing whatever it takes to pull him back. One of the reasons you keep bringing the same issue its because he is making you feel the same way as the time he almost cheated. He is also projecting feelings on you, and blaming you for it. I feel you are both focused on the anxiety each other feels without being able to connect)I truly am but I cant help but being stressed over it all too. (This is part of disconnection, not feeling heard and understood. If you don't feel connect then you feel disconnected, its where you will high anxiety, emotional and physical pain, and your fear of losing him gets worst. Its so important for the both of you to learn proper dialogue so you both feel connected again) I text this morning owning my insecurities, saying I understand his frustration and I'm sorry. (You tried to connect with him here, however you also did this with an expectation) Havent heard back (Your anxiety and fear abandonment is starting to rise. This has a lot to do with how you were abandoned in the past, so your past is taking over the present, its as if you are reliving it.) and he turned off on his phone read receipt. Hes very busy so I dont know if its deliberate. (This tells me your message came with an expectation, it was send with the hope of fixing things)
@freshLight64.
Hi there I am new to this. This is actually my first response but when I read your post I couldn't help but give it a try. I have been married for almost 12 years and together total of almost 20. I never had one thought about my husband cheating on me or anything like that through almost the first 10 years. And 2 months after I gave birth to my first child I found out he was having cyber relationships with several women while I was going through postpartum depression although I didn't know it at the time. I blamed myself for not being able to be a good wife and I forgave him. Then about 6 months after the birth of my second child 2 years later, I literally intercepted an im thread of him doing the exact same thing. At the time he was upset and kept the claiming that he had a problem and he sought counseling for like three sessions. This was almost 8 years ago. I have never been able to get over it and recently I started really questioning myself because I thought I was crazy for not being able to just let it go. So I started trying to figure out why and realized it was because we never dealt with it. I tried to talk to him about it and he basically told me that he didn't think he did anything wrong because it wasn't was anyone physically in person but what he did destroyed me and everything I thought about him. Now he acts like he barely cares. I realize that I was making him pay for it for too long possibly I know and I try to tell him how I feel to try to help me get over it, I get nothing but that I'm crazy basically. What I need is to be assured or reassured rather but nothing is going on and that he cares about me. Everything that happened in the timing that it happened at really destroyed me and how I feel about myself and the things I thought were reality. Now I have no idea what's going on but I know that my anxiety about all of this is going to either destroy me or us. I do know this... He doesn't figure out how to communicate with me or to help me through this, we will not last. I have no idea how to make this happen or if it's even possible all I do know is that it's going to stop. So I totally feel your anxiety and your fear and I hope you find a way to better yourself and maybe I can learn something as well. Good luck I wish you well
@sensibleGrapefruit2297
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Next time i do suggest you make your own thread so other people can respond as well
Hi there I am new to this. This is actually my first response but when I read your post I couldn't help but give it a try. I have been married for almost 12 years and together total of almost 20. I never had one thought about my husband cheating on me or anything like that through almost the first 10 years. (When I hear the word "almost" it tells me the idea of him doing this has cross your mind) And 2 months after I gave birth to my first child I found out he was having cyber relationships with several women while I was going through postpartum depression although I didn't know it at the time. (Postpartrum depression is definetly something that's tough to go through for women, he should have been supportive of you, but instead he became fearful and wanted his needs to be met through those women. Your husband has just communicated to you that he has zero intengrity, the marriage isn't as important and that loyalty means nothing to him) I blamed myself for not being able to be a good wife and I forgave him. (You were going through a very difficult time, postpartum is something that impact a woman in every way, so it's normal you were not able to be the person you used to be before. It's not your fault at all, it's his fault for not communicating like an adult about things, instead he went behind your back to cheat on you) Then about 6 months after the birth of my second child 2 years later, I literally intercepted an im thread of him doing the exact same thing. (He broke your trust, and that's something it's not easy to get back. You might have "forgive him", but it was never dealt or resolved at the time so it keeps coming back) At the time he was upset and kept the claiming that he had a problem and he sought counseling for like three sessions. (Three sessions are not going to create a miracle where he will be cured from everything) This was almost 8 years ago. I have never been able to get over it and recently I started really questioning myself because I thought I was crazy for not being able to just let it go. (This means you were able to "forgive" out of loneliness, guilty and not wanting to lose him than an actual forgiveness which takes time to grant during these circumstances. You didn't talk about it or resolve it so it's something that will keep bothering you) So I started trying to figure out why and realized it was because we never dealt with it. I tried to talk to him about it and he basically told me that he didn't think he did anything wrong because it wasn't was anyone physically in person (He is trying to minimize the situation, push things under the rug, trying to avoid responsability for his action, and not making you feel heard and understood. He is basically focusing on his own belief than how you feel, it's impossible to have an adult communication with a man who gets defensive and minimizes things) but what he did destroyed me and everything I thought about him. (It's normal to feel that way) Now he acts like he barely cares. (He doesn't...) I realize that I was making him pay for it for too long possibly I know and I try to tell him how I feel to try to help me get over it, (This was your way to connect with him, but its really unfortunate he doesn't have the ability to listen) I get nothing but that I'm crazy basically. What I need is to be assured or reassured rather but nothing is going on and that he cares about me. (A man who is confident and loving would be able to give you those things, but your husband is incapable of giving you those things) Everything that happened in the timing that it happened at really destroyed me and how I feel about myself (One thing to understand is that the cheating part has to do with his insecurities and fears than with you. He cheated on you because of his insecurities and fears, not because of what you were going through.) and the things I thought were reality. Now I have no idea what's going on but I know that my anxiety about all of this is going to either destroy me or us.(He is the one who destroyed this marriage, and he is ruining this marriage even more by dismissing and avoid the responsability of his mistakes. His actions and words are making you feel disconnected, so it increases your anxiety) I do know this... He doesn't figure out how to communicate with me or to help me through this, we will not last. (He will not take the time to learn about this or change his behavior because in his mind he has not done anything wrong. He is distorting reality about the cheating part) I have no idea how to make this happen or if it's even possible all I do know is that it's going to stop. (The only way it will stop is if you leave him because people like don't change for anyone, they often deflect blame and minimize situations) So I totally feel your anxiety and your fear and I hope you find a way to better yourself and maybe I can learn something as well. Good luck I wish you well
@freshLight64
Thanks for the reply. I do plan on putting up my own post. I just haven't figured out how to get it all in one really. So there is another layer to all of this. I will try to put in minimal words. It might sound like i am making excuses and may be i am but i am attempting very hard to see it both ways and not just my own. I take my vows more than seriously and want to make sure i do everything i can before i throw in the towel. I am looking forward to your opinion on this. So thank you in advance. I agree with all of your comments to my reply. So here goes...
My husband was not always uncaring. When i said almost 10 years i meant that from the begining of our relationship to the discovery of his cheating was almost ten years. I never once thought he would or could do that until then. He used to go out of his way to do very nice things for me...always before and after the cheating. Little things...things that meant alot at yhe time. After the second incident, he literally cried and begged me not to leave and did seem to give a bit of effort although i agree that only 3 sessions cannot cure anything. I think the depression and cheating turned me into a bitter person without me really realizing it. About 2-3 years ago, he sat me down and told me how unhappy he was and how just miserable i always seemed. It made me so upset because i was finally feeling more like myself. I took what he said and really listened. I did realize that he had a point. I had become a mis
@sensibleGrapefruit2297
Miserable person (sorry ran out of text). I tried very hard to change and believe i was. He on the otherhand became distant at that point. He stopped doing all of the things he used to and started doing some of the suspicious things again. That's when i tried to talk to him and he for the first time told me he didn't think he did wrong although he always up to that point didn't give me that impression. This was when i realized we never actually dealt with the issue. Then he said something that got me thinking. I started to pay a bit more attention and fear that he may ne going through a midlife crisis. Everything that i can find on communicating during this time tells me that i don't matter. He is already questioning everything and pressing him could just push him toward leaving me. So i am trying to put my feelings aside and let him figure things out but then something gets to me that forces it out and this cycle of him being distant and not caring continues. Not sure if he is really going through this or if he faked things before or if i am making excuses. I just don't know anything anymore except that I hate this and cannot continue for me or my kids. If he is really going through something, i want to be there but if not, i do need to leave. Just dont know...any thoughts you have are appreciated. Thanks for listening.
@sensibleGrapefruit2297
I do plan on putting up my own post. I just haven't figured out how to get it all in one really. So there is another layer to all of this. I will try to put in minimal words. It might sound like i am making excuses and may be i am but i am attempting very hard to see it both ways and not just my own. (Tons of people who don't want to leave a bad relationship then to find excuses to not leave the other person such as; "Im staying for the kids", "I don't know where else to go", "I want to see things his point as well", "we have been married for a long time" and many others. This is their way to convince themeselves that is the right choice to stay, but in reality they are afraid of loneliness and to start over again) I take my vows more than seriously (You kept the vows, but he broke the vows the minute he started to have an affair with those women. This is an excuse you are using to justify your reason for staying, even though you know what you have to do) and want to make sure i do everything i can before i throw in the towel. (You are behaving as if you are the one who did the cheating, he is the one who had to jump through fences and earn you back after what he did to you. This is your way of saying "I want to hold on to anything possible so i don't have to leave") I am looking forward to your opinion on this. So thank you in advance. I agree with all of your comments to my reply. So here goes...
My husband was not always uncaring. (This was when he was putting his best foot forward, now he has gotten complacent) When i said almost 10 years i meant that from the begining of our relationship to the discovery of his cheating was almost ten years. I never once thought he would or could do that until then. He used to go out of his way to do very nice things for me...always before and after the cheating. Little things...things that meant alot at yhe time. After the second incident, he literally cried and begged me (The whole begging and crying doesn't really make him look confident at all) not to leave and did seem to give a bit of effort although i agree that only 3 sessions cannot cure anything. I think the depression and cheating turned me into a bitter person without me really realizing it. (Yes it did because its something you kept inside until it became uncomfortable, so this makes you feel resentful torwards him) About 2-3 years ago, he sat me down and told me how unhappy he was and how just miserable i always seemed. (He did communicated things, but there's no excuse for having an affair with women online) It made me so upset because i was finally feeling more like myself. I took what he said and really listened. I did realize that he had a point. I had become a mis (There's no excuse for the way he cheated on you even if things were not going well with you)