All about consent
Consent is one of those things we al know is super important, but often have trouble having conversations about. This writing is something thats been stashed in my notes for a while and I thought it would be a helpful thing to share here :)
Consent is like a traffic light. When they say "Yes", you go. When they say "Maybe" you get ready to stop. When they say "Stop" you stop. Consent is informed, freely and actively given in mutually understandable words or actions which indicate a willingness to participate in mutually agreed upon sexual activity. Consent to one type of sexual activity does not imply consent to any other or all types of sexual activity. A person can withdraw consent at any time. Consent to sexual activity at one time does not imply consent to the same or other sexual activity at any other time.
Informed: The person giving consent knows what they are agreeing to.
Freely and actively given: Freely given means the person giving consent is not being coerced, and they are not feeling pressured. Actively given means they said yes in some form. An example of not actively given consent would be not saying anything.
Mutually understandable words or actions: Meaning it was very clear what was meant when the person gave consent. Remember that if these words/actions are not said/taken freely and actively, they are NOT consent.
Words that could express consent: "Yes I would love to", "Yes", "Yes please", "That sounds like fun", "That feels really good", "Keep going".
Mutually agreed upon sexual activity: Meaning that you must agree on what you will/wont do.
Examples of things that are NOT consent:
- Clothing
- Erections, or other signs of physical arousal
- Flirting
- Talking about sex
- Having sex with other people
- Masturbating
- Expressing interest in a particular sexual activity
- Having sex, masturbating, or undressing where you can see them
- Having some form of protection (Birth control, condoms)
- Sending nude photos
- Having given consent on a previous occasion
- Being in a relationship
- Engaging in other sexual acts
Times when a person cannot consent:
- When they are asleep
- When they are intoxicated
- If they are underage
- When they feel obligated to engage sexually
- When they are clearly not thinking straight (this includes things like panic attacks, head injuries, grief, etc.)
Ways to ask for consent:
"Are you feeling comfortable with where this is going?", "How far do you want this to go?", "Would you like to_____?", "Would it be alright if I _____?", "Do you want me to keep_____?"
Consent in long-term sexually active relationships
When you are having sex with someone consistently, it can become less common to formally ask if the other person would like to have sex. This can be okay in many healthy relationships, but it is also dangerous, as you run the risk of not knowing when someone isn't having a good time. It is your job as a sexually active person to make sure that your partner(s) is/are comfortable and consenting. When you stop explicitly asking for consent, here are some things to keep in mind:
- If the lack of explicit consent in your sex life worries/bothers you, bring it up! It's your right to express your needs and concerns in a relationship.
- A "Are you having a good time?", or "does that feel good?", can go a long way.
- Pay attention, if they seem uncomfortable at any point, stop and ask.
- Don't try anything new without asking.
- Remember that consent can be retracted at any time, so if they say stop, stop.
- Remember that peoples sexual wants, wills, and wonts, change over time.
- It never hurts to have open conversations about sex.
Consent and BDSM
Consent in BDSM is just like consent in other situations except that saying or doing things which would usually retraction of or refusal to consent, might not actually indicate that they do not want to be having sex. If this is something you participate in, MAKE SURE you have a safe word (a word you wouldn't otherwise say which indicates lack of consent) you can use. Without one, there is no way to tell if you are actually harming the person. If you plan a sexual activity in which the person will unable to speak, you will need to come up with some non-verbal equivalent of a safe word.
@UntilThen
I am all about consent prior to anything sexual happening and I think it would do the world good to revise the way they approach sexual situations. Perhaps if people read what you've placed in your post or understood what consent really means, we'd have less situations of sexual assault, groping, or inappropriate behavior. We've seen a lot of this in the news lately, where famous people have taken liberty with their status to sexually assault or not gain proper consent (or the person was not able to do so). You make excellent points in this post about what is and what isn't appropriate.
What do I do?
Well, before anything remotely sexual happens, including any discussions regarding the "S" word, I draw up a contract between myself and the woman I'm considering intimate relations with. At present, it's about 14 pages (minus the title page). It basically spells out what is consensual, what isn't, what is allowed, what isn't, and terms of our sexual connection. Regardless of the fact we're outlining conversation and potential physical acts (if they happen to do not), I assure you that everything we discuss is reasonable and nothing is "taboo" or fetish, or "strange" or "abnormal" according to today's social standards - probably nothing more you'd see on a soft-core porn channel via Showtime or HBO. In other words, pretty vanilla.
Next, once she has hired her own attorney review the document with her (must attain her OWN counsel), revisions are amended, my attorney has reviewed the document's changes or revision requests, then it is then notarized by a Notary Public. This usually takes at least three to four weeks. There have been a few situations where the other side (attorney and woman) have negotiated and re-negotiated on terms, but the agreement is fairly boilerplate and straight forward. The longest this process has taken is around six to eight months. It was well worth the wait though, she was an amazing woman. We only had dinner and coffee while waiting for the paperwork process to complete.
Once all of the documentation is signed, executed, and filed (two copies - plus I keep one in my safe deposit box), then we can actually talk about sex or proceed according to the terms of the mutual agreement we've signed. Usually, it's been very slow once the paperwork is completed, sex usually won't happen for another three to six months.
I've often found this to be excellent foreplay for both of us, consent is dually provided, therefore, everybody wins. It's expensive but there will be ZERO cases of claims against me for "non-consent". To date, there have been no breaches of contractual terms and majority of situations have been very above board and to the letter of what we mutually agreed upon.
As a male, I get the opportunity for sex with a woman with the full blessing of consent as appropriately documented.
Oh, if you're wondering why I chose to place the document into the safe deposit box - it's simply for my safety. If something were to happen to the executed document (fire, theft, malicious destruction, etc.) then something occurred where I was accused of having sex without consent or spoke about sex without proper authorization, it is good to have the mutually agreed upon terms in safe possession. I've also asked both legal teams to maintain a copy.
In today's high sexual assault society, a man cannot be too careful these days of getting accused without attaining consent and permission. I prefer it in writing, but notarized. I've seen far too many people get accused without proof and their entire lives are wrecked, even when they did nothing wrong. Now, those that DID do something - they got what was coming to them. I'm talking about people who were simply accused without any proof or actual wrongdoing.
@Sventek
While it is a good idea to go over what is and isn't alright with the person before engaging in any sexual acts, these wants and limits change. Someone may say something is okay before you begin, but then change their mind. People also sometimes think they will not enjoy something, but then later find themselves interested. While a contract may be a good way to represent what was consensual at one moment in time, consent is an ever-changing agreement; there is no document that could fully outline a persons consent, because every statement would end in "unless I change my mind at any point". Also, a document as you described wouldn't offer much - if any - legal protection, because consent can be altered or retracted at any time.
