Who's in the right?
Hi Everyone, QUICK NOTE: I am going to post this same threat in the BPD thread because I have BPD and it'll be long. I don't know if anyone will be willing to read it but please please do. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost two years, we have both moved across the country for one another, and we are in an extremely serious relationship. But I have always been more serious than him and put in more work and whatnot. We fight quite a bit and little things turn into big fights but a lot of that probably relates to a combination of my codependency issues rooting from my BPD and the fact that we've been quarantined together and not seeing anyone else for a year and a half. But anyways, for our relationship to work I need to overcome the codependency, we need to both become better communicators, we need to reach a higher level of understanding, and we need to learn to trust eachother (any tips to achieve these things would be a blessing). He's the love of my life, I give this relationship all I have even when we are at our worst points and I will do anything to make it better. One of the things I'm attempting to utilize in making it better is this app. I want to give a very objective description of our fights so that you guys can tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it or if he's in the wrong so I can stick to my guns. My BPD leads me to eventually believe I'm always in the wrong which makes it hard to not let him walk all over me in certain situations, in other situations/most situations I am probably in the wrong though. Anywaysssss, he was not in a good place so I spent a bunch of money to try to get him out of that dark place and have fun with him despite my law school final exams coming up and I thought we could avoid fighting but he's gotten upset with me multiple times and I don't really understand any of them: (or what I did) please tell me... 1. My bf doesn't like a certain perfume that I wear so I didn't wear it but then as soon as he saw me he complained about the smell regardless and asked to buy me a new one which was nice but I got defensive about the fact that I wasn't wearing it but he argued with me and told me that I was wrong and that I shouldn't be defensive, which may be true but I felt that I did need to say that I wasn't wearing it because I wasn't. I know it's weird but like I said, little things turn into big things. He decided eventually that the perfume had soaked into my bag somehow and that I should have known and washed it and not been defensive. 2. We went to the beach and on the way there he had a conversation with me about how I can't have any expectations about doing stuff and I can't ask to do anything because it will stress him out. I got defensive and said that I wasnt trying to pressure him and that we didnt need to be at the beach, and that I'm just happy to be around him but he got mad at me for being defensive again and claimed that I still stress him out by just asking questions about what we're doing after he's already answered questions and being defensive. 3. Somehow it came up in conversation that I should avoid looking at his FB because of other girls posted on there and so I raised my concern about him never having posted me on social media and he got very upset with me for this. Do I have a right to be annoyed about that or does he have a right to me mad at me for.being annoyed about that? Idk Also, how do I be less defensive? Sorry it's a lot.
I feel like you're walking on eggshells around your boyfriend. Anything you said and/or do at this point is not going to satisfy him. He will find fault in everything you do and it seems he's starting to make up things just to push you away (ie perfume.) I would probably have a sit down with him, and ask him why he seems triggered when it comes to you. Keep in mind though that you will need to listen AND NOT RESPOND...even if you feel you need to defend yourself. Wait til he's done venting, and then start your convo with "when you say _____, I feel _____" that way both of your feeling are out in the open. For instance "when you post other girls, it makes me feel unimportant." Start slow. I can get defensive, and it stems from childhood trauma...like no one ever believing me and people telling me how I should feel. But, as an adult, I've learned that some people pick and choose what they want to hear and you're never going to convince them...even if you're speaking the truth. You definitely need to see what is triggering him and if he's willing to resolve any underlying, unspoken issues. Best of luck.
A guy that's willing to share his female friends on FB but not you his GIRLFRIEND definitely raises red flags for me. I've had guys do this to me before and it always turned out that the guy wanted me to be a secret so other girls would think he was available. So that right there is definitely a problem on his part and youve done nothing wrong. It sounds like your guy prefers to invalidate your feelings and seems to think every opinion you have is "being defensive" when in reality it's you doing the healthy habit of expressing yourself and communicating your feelings to him. The hallmarks of a good relationship include communication which it seems is a problem in yours. Your boyfriend sounds like he'd much rather live his own life doing what he wants and doesn't care how it affects you. Him ignoring you and avoiding questions and calling you defensive all the time is his way of getting you to shush. I don't think this is a healthy relationship based on my own experiences and i definitely don't feel you're in the wrong. If anything you have a right to defend your feelings and you need someone who makes you feel important and makes you feel like you're happily a part of his life.
I also once read something that was along the lines of "date and marry the man you'd want your son to turn into." And while i don't necessarily want kids, it definitely hit hard and has made me really think about the kind of guy i want to be with.
