Second place

How does one feel special to another person?

I often think this question. How do we convey this feeling to the one we care about?

Actions, words or a bit of both?

Does it start with one making the first move and the other responds and bounces of that, do they both do it together?

What I do know is that this energy one gives to another to make them feel special is magical and potent and creates a fantastic relationship.

Why do I not feel that special?

Have I ever? Yes, briefly at the start when we first met.... But as soon as the third party was exposed it crumbled for me. The respect and valuing of a relationship was shattered for me. It completely ruined the vision I had for a safe and cherished partnership. Perhaps my feelings regarding this are not helping my subconscious and may have an impact on 'us'.

March - that was the start of let's call her 'S' being in my world. Poor woman at the start she had no idea his life had changed dramatically and she just carried on chatting with him as normal thinking he was the single guy. Bad on his part for not being honest with her or me, my goodness it would have made such a difference to me if had been open at the start . So I had to find out about her in the worst way, messages popping up on his phone and him chatting to her in my company in my home and he tells me nothing.... Red flag!

Moving him out of his flat, scrubbing his bathroom floor whilst he sits and chats online to her laughing and smiling at his phone... I ask him who he's chatting to.. 'just a friend'.

I have only known him for a four months, we are sitting outside for a drink in the evening and he says ' oh I must see how my friend is'. Meaning 'S' and gets to messaging her in front of me... I still don't know who she is

Looking at houses and plans, he discusses everything with her, in fact before he does with me, does he not realise its about my life snd his and not hers with him.

Back home phone pings at 10.30 pm it's her. I'm getting very fed up of this and confront him about her. He is defensive not apologetic, I asked does she know he's in a relationship, he tells her then...

Then enters 'B' , who had been around for years unlike sue who I think was 6 months before me although he says years to me.. Not according to ***. Unhappy barbara, they share an unhealthy sadness together... Emotionally propping each other up. She's very attractive, if she could leave her loveless marriage I think they would get together...

Again I had to find out about her when she rose to tge the surface, he was a bit freer with the info but still cagey. Video chats happened in my home without me there, and chatting to her whilst he is in my bed. Grrrr nothing worse than having your safe personal space cluttered by other women that you do not know and not even been introduced to.

'E' then pops up .... A little time later... A chance find on his chat list whilst he showed me a message from a mutual friend...

On asking who she was, to be fair he told me straight away that they had dated but she became ill and it didn't work anyway, that was shortly before we met. He showed me the message... Well it destroyed me...... ' miss your smiling face, wish I was nearer to ease you back into dancing'!!!!!......... Wtf!!!!!?

Is he stupid or does he really not care about me??? Am I just another on his list of goto women, I just happen to be the one who's always around? It feels like it, does it make me feel special, not at all!! I feel used, second place and a fool.

I ask myself why does he feel the need to keep contact? Am I not enough?

In deeper thinking, its not about me it's about him not feeling enough about himself. This has come to light with the salsa dancing, he needs a hareem of women to boost his ego. I'm not even enough for that, as I'm constantly reminded by him at the dances and in class...he is critical of my dancing and it's killing the desire in me to dance and have fun. I'm being compared, made second place again.. One of the crowd.

Valentines, I made an effort to look good, wore the mini leather skirt, stockings etc he bought me. We have a lovely dinner and then it's bedtime.... He goes up first I follow shortly and want to make a show of stripping off.. He is watching his phone.. I carry on undressing he does not notice me.. I get into bed far from turned on, I'm angry as he is watching rugby on his phone!!!, I'm now not in the mood for sex and tell him so crossly and try to sleep. I felt so undesired!!!! Knocked my confidence, I'm obviously not that special.

So, actions certainly have an impact on the way we make others feel. I'm sure I've made mistakes with him... I'm willing to look at them and work out why and how that can change... He is not able to do the same.

I'm currently thinking how to make it clear in a positive way and not sounding needy when he does a stupid thing... Not got the answer yet...