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intelligentTiger5312
5,220 M Seeking Light 8
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts124 Forum posts59 Forum upvotes63 Current upvotes63 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceMay 18, 2021
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Feeling stupid but not
Relationship Stress / by intelligentTiger5312
Last post
 July 8th, 2023
...See more I am probably being over reactive about this but it's affecting me. My partner and I have been together for 3 years, both of us had a previous bad relationship. So you could say we are emotionally damaged in our own way. The situation I'm is that I feel I'm replaceable by my partner. When we initially dated he chatted to a female friend online who I was never introduced to or was included in. It was only when I found out about her by accident that she was mentioned. After a tiff or two over that she has now faded away from him, hopefully respecting he is in a long term relationship. He has reconnected briefly with an ex, because he felt sorry for her as she had been ill. That was found again by accident by me and had to ask who she was. I did not get an apology just defensive excuses. So, to more recent. My partner is a salsa dancer, he has social danced for over 10 years and he has now brought me into the scene which I enjoy to a degree. He set up lessons in our local village which was enjoyed by those who came. However, there is one lady who could not attend the lessons but requested private tuition which he has done. This lady can be described as sort of the celebrity in the village. Before the first lesson neither my partner nor I had met her as we are fairly new to the village. So, he went to give the first lesson and returned, telling me all about her etc.. Which was fine. However, as the weeks have gone on, all I hear is this lady does this, she goes here, eats there and so on. A bit like when we talk about a new friend or love interest. The problem is for me is that I'm the only one in our friendship group who has yet to meet this woman and I'm beginning to feel left out of any conversation about her. I'm finding it a bit disrespectful from my partner that he has not arranged it that I meet this woman who he dances quite closely with every week.... Am I overeacting??? If it was the other way round what would he feel about it? So, tomorrow night there is a salsa party and I can't go as I have a retirement party but my partner, and couple of our mutual friends are going as our usual group. However, he has now asked the lady from the village to go too! I am not dealing with this very well although trying I'm doing my best to hold onto my emotions so I don't look pathetic and foolish. I feel he has replaced me with her and I have still not met her!!!! What do I do??
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Second place
Relationship Stress / by intelligentTiger5312
Last post
 December 14th, 2022
...See more How does one feel special to another person? I often think this question. How do we convey this feeling to the one we care about? Actions, words or a bit of both? Does it start with one making the first move and the other responds and bounces of that, do they both do it together? What I do know is that this energy one gives to another to make them feel special is magical and potent and creates a fantastic relationship. Why do I not feel that special? Have I ever? Yes, briefly at the start when we first met.... But as soon as the third party was exposed it crumbled for me. The respect and valuing of a relationship was shattered for me. It completely ruined the vision I had for a safe and cherished partnership. Perhaps my feelings regarding this are not helping my subconscious and may have an impact on 'us'. March - that was the start of let's call her 'S' being in my world. Poor woman at the start she had no idea his life had changed dramatically and she just carried on chatting with him as normal thinking he was the single guy. Bad on his part for not being honest with her or me, my goodness it would have made such a difference to me if had been open at the start . So I had to find out about her in the worst way, messages popping up on his phone and him chatting to her in my company in my home and he tells me nothing.... Red flag! Moving him out of his flat, scrubbing his bathroom floor whilst he sits and chats online to her laughing and smiling at his phone... I ask him who he's chatting to.. 'just a friend'. I have only known him for a four months, we are sitting outside for a drink in the evening and he says ' oh I must see how my friend is'. Meaning 'S' and gets to messaging her in front of me... I still don't know who she is Looking at houses and plans, he discusses everything with her, in fact before he does with me, does he not realise its about my life snd his and not hers with him. Back home phone pings at 10.30 pm it's her. I'm getting very fed up of this and confront him about her. He is defensive not apologetic, I asked does she know he's in a relationship, he tells her then... Then enters 'B' , who had been around for years unlike sue who I think was 6 months before me although he says years to me.. Not according to ***. Unhappy barbara, they share an unhealthy sadness together... Emotionally propping each other up. She's very attractive, if she could leave her loveless marriage I think they would get together... Again I had to find out about her when she rose to tge the surface, he was a bit freer with the info but still cagey. Video chats happened in my home without me there, and chatting to her whilst he is in my bed. Grrrr nothing worse than having your safe personal space cluttered by other women that you do not know and not even been introduced to. 'E' then pops up .... A little time later... A chance find on his chat list whilst he showed me a message from a mutual friend... On asking who she was, to be fair he told me straight away that they had dated but she became ill and it didn't work anyway, that was shortly before we met. He showed me the message... Well it destroyed me...... ' miss your smiling face, wish I was nearer to ease you back into dancing'!!!!!......... Wtf!!!!!? Is he stupid or does he really not care about me??? Am I just another on his list of goto women, I just happen to be the one who's always around? It feels like it, does it make me feel special, not at all!! I feel used, second place and a fool. I ask myself why does he feel the need to keep contact? Am I not enough? In deeper thinking, its not about me it's about him not feeling enough about himself. This has come to light with the salsa dancing, he needs a hareem of women to boost his ego. I'm not even enough for that, as I'm constantly reminded by him at the dances and in class...he is critical of my dancing and it's killing the desire in me to dance and have fun. I'm being compared, made second place again.. One of the crowd. Valentines, I made an effort to look good, wore the mini leather skirt, stockings etc he bought me. We have a lovely dinner and then it's bedtime.... He goes up first I follow shortly and want to make a show of stripping off.. He is watching his phone.. I carry on undressing he does not notice me.. I get into bed far from turned on, I'm angry as he is watching rugby on his phone!!!, I'm now not in the mood for sex and tell him so crossly and try to sleep. I felt so undesired!!!! Knocked my confidence, I'm obviously not that special. So, actions certainly have an impact on the way we make others feel. I'm sure I've made mistakes with him... I'm willing to look at them and work out why and how that can change... He is not able to do the same. I'm currently thinking how to make it clear in a positive way and not sounding needy when he does a stupid thing... Not got the answer yet...
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Mobile phones
Relationship Stress / by intelligentTiger5312
Last post
 August 17th, 2022
...See more I am getting so sick and tired of mobile phones. It seems they are an essential part of everyone's life but they are dehumanising us so quickly. How many times is the mobile phone chosen over you or you choose it over someone else?? It's so sad that interactions with real people are taken over by a small screen. It's soul destroying, destructive and ruining relationships. We wonder why so many people feel lonely, isolated or neglected.. Its because of the mobile phone. It takes people away from others, it creates isolation and it makes people ignore each other. I try to limit it's use when I'm in company of others, human interaction in the present moment is priceless, don't devalue it by turning to your mobile phone, that is rude and disrespectful to the people in your company. We are turning in to selfish, self centred people and then question why we feel lonely! If I'm in your company and you choose to look at your phone then don't question why I have walked away.
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Feeling lonely whilst in a relationship
50 & Over Community / by intelligentTiger5312
Last post
 May 28th, 2022
...See more I'm not wanting to moan about my partner as he is a really nice guy and so much is good about him. However, I do find that sometimes I feel lonely and left out. We have been in a relationship for over 2 years... Its just the two of us as our respective kids have left home. But it's actually now just the two of us, it's me and then him and his phone. It's like a third person in our relationship and it always gets his attention from first thing in the morning until the last thing at night! Don't get me wrong I have a phone and use it but I choose to when I'm not going to ignore the company I'm in. We can be day on the sofa, I'm just in from work, he's retired, and we'll be chatting and then all of a sudden he'll switch to his phone and starts scrolling Facebook right in front of me and he won't say a further word to me for 15 minutes or longer. He'll do this when I'm company of family too. Just sits and scrolls whilst everyone chats and connects. I'm trying to work out why he goes this but I can tell you it has an impact on the people around him. It's like he chooses to ignore us and prefers the company of strangers online, reading about their virtual lives or watching stupid videos. Again, we all do that but choose a more appropriate time. I've tried talking to him about it but he gets very defensive. He's nearly 53 and I'm 52. Is this how modern life is? I want to make the most of being with my partner but this behaviour just makes me feel lonely and pushes me away to find others for human interaction that I want with him.
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Boundaries and respect
Relationship Stress / by intelligentTiger5312
Last post
 March 16th, 2022
...See more I'm just sounding off here and wondering what others views are on this situation. Do you find it really annoying and disrespectful when your partner is always looking at their phone especially whilst in your company? I have to accept that smartphones are here to stay and I even use one but I am mindful of when I use it. However my partner seems to be addicted to his. Its like his mistress, always holding his attention and getting in between us. As soon as he wakes up he checks Facebook and the news, and he will then grab any opportunity to flick through his phone during the day and even last thing at night in bed. He must open his phone at least 70 times in a day and will scroll for at least 20 minutes at a time. And what really gets me is that when I get in from work, we will get talking and exchanging stories of the day and then he will just stop talking and opens his phone and stares it and I'm left sitting like a lemon in silence. I do then say 'are we done with talking?' he'll look up and say 'yup, unless you want to say anything else?'. I give up and leave the room. He will also do it during our time watching a film together. All I can see from the corner of my eye is the flicker of his phone screen as he gets lost in scrolling, it's not nice when you feel your are not having quality time with your other half. It is also embarrassing as he will do this when in company of family members, I know he probably uses it so he doesn't have to engage with them, well he might as well stay in the car!
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Social media 'Friends'
Relationship Stress / by intelligentTiger5312
Last post
 February 22nd, 2022
...See more Modern life is very much involved with online interaction but this can cause issues if not clarified. Let's take Facebook for example and the problems this can cause regarding relationships. All contacts on Fb are 'Friends' but if you think about it that is misleading as it's not realistic to have 500 friends in the true sense. We have different levels of involvement with others. This can be family, colleagues, friends or acquaintances. When dating or in a relationship it is important to be aware of the capacity each of your FB 'friends' fit in and to be transparent about them with your partner as it can lead to problems. For example, boyfriend casually mentions a comment tmade by his 'friend' to his girlfriend but gives no name or connection to the friend apart from saying 'she said.....'. Now, his girlfriend is thinking, who is this friend and hang on, it's a woman I don't know of.... Her mind starts to over think especially when she asks who they are and get the 'she's just a friend' and says no more. This can cause unrest and unnecessary stress for the girlfriend and could easily be avoided with some thought. There is a big difference between a 'friend' and an 'acquaintance' and for most of Facebook a big majority of people on our list are just acquaintances. Let's define acquaintance.. They are a person who you may or may not have met in person but you have introduced yourselves and have only brief knowledge about each other. For example in a class, or mutual interests or hobby. You may know more about them from their Facebook information but not on a personal level. They are not someone you socialise with or share personal things with. You would not normally feel comfortable to drop in on them for coffee. A' 'friend' is so much more than that. You know them well and you have a strong liking for them and have a sense of trust and this is mutual. You socialise with them and would have no problem asking for their help or opinion. This is a much closer relationship and needs clarity within a relationship especially if they are the opposite sex. So just be mindful of who actually is a friend, an acquitance, a colleague or just someone you 'follow'. Real friends are gems, rare and to be looked after and are part of your relationship with your partner. Don't complicate things by calling acquaintances as 'friends', keep it clear. Just one more thing.... Why do we share so much of our lives with 'acquaintances' on social media? Is it wise to? What are your thoughts?
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Digital life
Relationship Stress / by intelligentTiger5312
Last post
 November 18th, 2022
...See more Does anyone feel the same as me? I'm finding lots of people becoming zombies with their phones etc. I remember the days when people had personalities, interacted, laughed together and generally were good company. Nowadays, they sit in silence, lost in a world behind a screen, isolated from each other. We are so distanced, cold and unapproachable, no wonder we struggle to have relationships with real human beings. We are slowly being programmed to be heartless robots. We are losing the confidence to talk to others unless it's by text. Phone calls are not the done thing...we seem scared to talk to others or is it we just don't have time to have proper conversations face to face or real time anymore? A quick, meaningless text will do, it seems. These actions devalue the ones we are in the company of, ignore the people that are the most important to us, only missing them when they leave as they can't bear being second place to a phone. I despair for the future generations, I can see the blank faces already of the robot look.....
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