Fiance wants XXX more than I do and it's taking a toll on me. Advice???
POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING(?)
Hi all. I'm not sure where to start on this, so I'm sorry if it's more of a ramble than a straightforward question.
My fiance and I have known each other for years and been in a relationship for close to a year now. At first we were super happy and close together, but after I started working I didnt have enough time or energy to be as bubbly with him as before. I work overnight, and it's difficult for me to sleep during the day, so I try to keep to a schedule as much as possible. I come home, get comfortable, eat, maybe read or watch something and try to include him in this if he wants. Usually he doesnt want to and does his own thing. A big issue that arises is that hes a bit of a nympho and my libido has become nearly non existent for awhile now. For me personally, I just dont want/feel physical intimacy for whatever reasons. And it's taking a toll on the emotional side as well. At first, I aimed for once a week to try to help us both be closer, but now more like once a month. He feels neglected/unwanted and i tell him its not true, I'm just not in the mood, it still hurts him.
He tries to...um...entice me(?) randomly playing with me, but I'm sensitive and if I'm not...in the mood, it feels uncomfortable or painful sometimes. I've tried explaining this to him and he said he understood, but it seems like hes desperate or forgotten because he started doing it again when I lay down to sleep.
I dont know what to do. Any advice?
maybe just take to them. they might understand that you don't want it exactly when they do
@AngelWytch
Rather than advice, here are some generic ideas...
One good way to synchronize a couple's physical arousal levels is... do some physical activity together... on a regular schedule...
That will get both heart beats pumping and improve moods at the same time... It also gets them away from devices and distractions.
Searches like this provide ideas...
https://www.google.com/search?q=COUPLES+WORK+OUT+TOGETHER+TO+IMPROVE+INTIMACY
If you get into a scheduled routine... things might get better from there consistently... in other ways too.
Discussing expectations and boundaries can help too...
There are lots out ideas available on all those topics so... just search for answers... learn... experiment... talk things out... and find solutions that work .
Please forgive any typos above.
@7motivation
I read through the list and even another related article similar to it on there and find the ideas helpful and interesting, as well as a bit of a wake up call cause it made me think about how long it's been since the last time we did something as simple as cuddling. I'm definitely am going to bring it up to him and try to do some of those exercises soon! Thank you so much for the ideas and help!
@AngelWytch
I'd like to start off by saying you're right to feel uncomfortable when he tries to push sexual activity with you. That's not fair to you, and that can feel violating as well!
Now, onto your question...I was in a familiar situation not too long ago with my ex-fiance (was my fiance at the time, we broke up for unrelated reasons). He wanted to be more "active" than I did.
I noticed changes in him when we weren't physical for long periods of time. He would become a little moody, and have trouble falling asleep at times. So I would make sure to "take care" of him a few days a week (this doesn't mean sex!).
I'd try to be creative to keep things interesting, and he would absolutely love having 100% of the attention on him. It helped us bond, kept him happy, and kept our relationship going smoothly. I never felt like I "had" to do it, nor did I feel unhappy doing it. I didn't mind and he would fawn over me the remainder of the night. He showed me his appreciation in ways that made ME happy. It was a system we had that kept both of us happy!
@creativeShip8033
It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way at some point during a relationship, it's nice to feel understood like that.
I want him to be happy, and have been trying to avoid forcing myself to do things when I dont actually want or feel like it in regards to my relationships (previous ones have...not been so great, but were good life lessons on taking care of myself first at least).
I'm glad I'm not alone in this type of awkward situation. Thank you!