Casual thing turned to love the immediate heartbreak. Any advice welcome.
I meet an older guy through an app in august of 2020 and we started a casual relationship. He had came out of a long term relationship and was just looking for something physical. I was just looking for a one night thing. But when ended up hitting off personally and continued to see each other for 7 months. At first he didn’t want a friendship and just keep it purely sexual. Then he opened up to friendship and wanted to hang out more after 3 months in November. So I would stay for an hour or two after hook ups and we would just talk and got to know each other. And we have consistent back and forth communication via texting. A month later I realized I was falling in love with him but I kept it to myself til I told towards the end of this February. He rejected me as he only wanted something physical but valued our friendship. Afterwards he started showing a romantic interest in me. He would tell me that by being myself, a sweet & caring person I made his life easy. He would also walk me to my car and kiss me goodbye while tell me he wants to see me again. And that I was an amazing person and he really like me for who I am and not my body. Then 3 weeks after my confession to him he cancelled literally last minute out of the blue a meet up saying he was sick throwing and even through he really wanted to see me he didn’t want anyone around him when he sick even though I offer to bring him medicine and electrolytes. and then three days later he told me he wouldn’t be able to hang out for awhile because him and his ex were talking again and he wanted to be respectful to her. I vented to him via text how I felt used and I wish he would have told me he was getting back together with his ex or if this was just them really talking as I didn’t understand what he was saying. He responded 11 days later that he was sorry for hurting my feelings and didn’t intend to and really cares about me but him and his ex are talking in a relationship sense and it wouldn’t be fair to her if he was still seeing me. Then for the next month & a half we have had this back and forth of me trying to figure out how we are going to maintain a platonic friendship but he keeps apologizing for being distant and misses me but he said he can’t hang out with because me it would feel weird when has promised to be faithful to someone. Now whenever I text him it takes 4-11 days for him to respond. He blames it on work and investing in cryptocurrency part time. Then last night I drunkenly sent him an iPhone note that contained how I loved him but wanted to maintain a friendship above all else and for him to be happy along with how I felt about this situation. As well a terribly written angry text that is barely readable. And I haven’t heard from him since this Tuesday. And know I fell all hurt and betrayed while also depressed and disappointed in myself. I don’t know what to do anymore apart of me hopes he contacts me but another just wants to disappear.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I have to say that this sounds similar to something a friend of mine went through but from another angle. My friend broke up with her ex after he confessed that he never stopped seeing his rebound from the last time they broke up because he was scared of being lonely again. Of course, he moved on with the other girl and they’ve been together for a year now, but it looks more like a filler relationship. How do I know? Because even after getting to know the other girl on another level, he was still gonna leave her for his ex and still says he would leave her for his ex now. Obviously we can’t believe anything that comes out of this guy’s mouth anymore, but the question is, do you really want to deal with someone who only gives you attention when it’s convenient for him? Anyone can tell you what you want to hear if they know they’re getting something in return, and for him that is: a safety net. Every time he disappears and then shows up with I miss yous etc. it’s a way to keep you interested so he has someone to comfort him if ever things go south with his ex again. Even if, hypothetically speaking, you were to end up together, do you really want a relationship where you were the second choice? More importantly, do you really want a guy who can’t make up his mind? A guy who will probably disappear on you again and then manipulate you into taking him back? Don’t you think being in a situation like that would cause so much stress and anxiety? Sure, people can change, but if huge red flags are already waving in your face before a relationship has even started with this guy, what more can he be hiding? It sounds like you have so much love to give, and someone out there could give you even more than that. There are still so many people out there you haven’t met yet that you never knew you could love so much. This guy just sounds like the type that will only make an effort when he’s losing control of something. It’s a manipulation trick. Please don’t fall for it.
I’m not gonna for it anymore. But a big part of me wants back that guy that I met the first time around and not the one that I see in him now. But with him no longer in my life I feel empty yet full and pain and constantly lonely. I no longer eat, sleep, or even think properly anymore.
I understand :( there really is no other way to heal from something like heartbreak than a change in mindset, and often that requires a lot of time, objectivity, and some new experiences. Love can also be tied to familiarity. Right now, your mind is obsessing over thoughts related to him like a drug addiction and maybe what you need to try to do is break this habit. Imagine that your thoughts of him are inside a box, and whenever you’re tempted to open this box, try postponing it for 30 minutes or an hour. In the meantime, distract yourself with a phone call or a hobby etc. As days go by you can extend the time. I know he meant a lot to you, and at some point I’m sure you did to him too, but sometimes people can be adult babies. They don’t know what they want, they don’t know how to deal with things, and they are too focused on themselves to notice what’s around them. It’s just not a situation worth dwelling on anymore. I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, because you have every right to feel that way and to express those feelings as much and as long as you need, but if you want to move on, you have to start trying to dedicate your love and happiness elsewhere.
@creativeAcres4389
This relationship has met an end - but one or both of you just haven't realized that yet. It was only meant to be a physical connection between you both, fulfilling needs that you both had at the time and through your physical relationship there was a discovery that you both shared infatuation (not love - easy to confuse, feels the same, but fizzles)
This is because both of you had more intimate needs, past physical, that you sought in one another. That caused confusion between you and complicated your connection.
At the moment, instead of both of you acknowledging that things have ended between you, you're both dragging what you shared through the mud and it hurts, probably you more than him. Meanwhile, you're fighting to maintain at least a friendship with him, which isn't reasonable at all, nor will it be possible with the rekindling of his previous relationship. She'll never be ok with the both of you being friends.
He feels guilty. You're seeking either closure or friendship. You may not attain either, unfortunately.
The more you both try to maintain contact with each other, the harder this is going to become. He's now making more excuses, creating distance, and hoping that you eventually take the hint that he's not interested in carrying on with you.
The best thing that could happen in this situation?
- Learn valuable lessons from what you shared with him
- Appreciate what you had, but note the things that were missing that you really want in your next situation
- End contact with him, indefinitely, don't respond to him at all, let him go, and let go of your dependency on him in any fashion, including any sense of closure because you may not receive it.
- Do self-discovery, examine what you really need in your life, and what is most important, and focus on those things instead
- Realize that it's not about "whose fault it is". It's not about fault. It's not a situation that needs fixing. It's over, it's done, and he's working to move on - so should you.
- Invest time investigating the real differences between infatuation and true love, especially time constraints between both
- Examine your own personal self-value and focus on building your own self-worth
- Do not allow this situation to wreck you as a person. It's not worth it. The relationship you maintain with yourself is vital.
- Remember that sometimes people come into our lives for various reasons. Some stay briefly, some stay a long time - but no matter what, each person we connect with mentally and physically teaches us things about ourselves. There are plenty of lessons to be learned here, and that is part of your self-discovery process.
What I felt wasn’t an infatuation but genuine love on my end. I wanted to get to know him on a spiritual level, do mundane tasks of the day with him, see what kind of pet dad he was, get into arguments about the dumbest things and work together to talk it out. I wanted a real relationship with all the ups and downs any relationship has. You are right are other aspects through. I don’t feel like this is a start of self discovery. I’m been in the worse shape mentally and emotional. I can’t sleep properly, I barely eat, and I’m constantly stuck in thoughts. I already lost my job just after the break up and then I’m having trouble with college classes. Everything has become too much for me to handle.
@creativeAcres4389
Then at this stage, given your present condition, you should certainly find someone to talk to - as in a licensed therapist.
I wish you well.
