Wanting some advice on betrayal and how to overcome it

@ghettosmurf,

could it be that he was sincere when he said he was afraid you were going to leave him?

Yeah I’m hoping he was sincere about it.. he’s had many ex’s who’ve cheated or left with no reason. See are both damaged from our ex’s

@ghettosmurf

Think of this a a serious communication issue... when couples start doing items because the "think" they know what the other is planning or doing..... 

People need to Talk and tell their partners  how they feel and do not let them make assumptions.... perhaps something made him think you were headed out door and he wanted to see if he would get any response... or cushion the blow knowing he had some response etc.... 

sometimes we do not even see how our actions or inaction or silence is taken.  so many issues when people assume and make up stories in their lives instead of just opening up and speaking up... 

IF you want to save this be open honest and talk and expect the same back. Many do bad things when we feel hurt or angry instead of asking questions and telling each other the good bad or ugly truth. 

We’ve been communicating openly and honestly (well I’ve been brutally honest and I just have to trust that he’s being honest too)

I’m just trying to find all avenues and ways to save this marriage cos I wanna grow old with this man

@ghettosmurf

Trust but verify....people tell % of honesty ....the details are critical.    example  a person who is a job jumper and they agree to QUIT that and stay the course as every  job change has had effects .... find out they are doing it again they say because commute time ( a logical / valid reason) but you find out they are struggling with  present workload....... were they HONEST......... well partially..... 

 partial honest is a growth opportunity for miscommunication and assumptions.... 

Grief hits everyone .........and while you may feel you got the worst of it ........you lost in your grief probably seemed like you were walking away and not there for him too.... death of a child breaks up many many marriages. 

Saying "well he is a step parent" ...... diminishes his connection and grief........  We focus on ourselves when down or need to heal and we forget others sometimes........... as the world marches on and does not stop until we are ready to be involved again.   

We also trust that our partners see/ anticipate and know how to support and help us through a difficult time .......... how ?     What practice or preparation did either of you have for this loss? 

if you really want to fix put yourself in his shoes... not excusing him just see ...when we feel left out / excluded and otherwise on shaky ground with relationship ...

it is easy to want to feel something ....and responses to his post probably made him feel good about himself... wanted / interesting...... something.............other then alone and in grief and not knowing how this was going to go. 

The OLD school approach IMO to make this out as the worst and leave immediately .........have never walked in this persons shoes ...i hope they do not have to..    feeling alone or ignored and perhaps even assuming things are ending sucks and sometimes we make bad decisions when in limbo or pain and without the whole picture of what was happening.  

unfortunately we had no preparation for our child’s loss.. he was tragically and unexpectedly taken.. our child he was a hit and run victim and we both attended the scene the night it happened..

looking back I do see my contributions to all this.. cos I’d never dealt with this kinda grief before any grief before this was pushed to the back of my mind and forgotten.. unfortunately I wasn’t able to with this grief

thank you for your advice etc.. it’s given me extra to think about cos I really wanna work this out and my solutions in my past relationship was violence and/or walking away but being revengeful.. I didn’t like the person I became in my past relationship.. but since meeting this man and marrying him I wanna be a better person and continue to be a better person..

I’m really sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine your pain. I’m really sorry to be the one to say this and please take it with a grain of salt because i wasn’t there to observe or know the details but you (both?) lost a child and instead of trying to hold each other up and get through it together, or at least try to support you through it, your husband’s response was to go looking for hookups because he thought you were going to leave him? If anything, that’s even more reason to try to help and support the other person through their grief. Unless that’s just how he chose to grieve, if that’s what he was doing, it’s irrelevant if he replied or not, it shows that he doesn’t even seem to give enough of a damn to even try to be there for you when you need him or when you’re down. I’m old school like you but maybe it’s time to question if this marriage is worth whatever you’re putting into it.

That’s how I’m seeing it that just didn’t seem to care but I’ve read many times that sort of stuff does happen when people loss children they also lose themselves..

but then another part of me is like he was grieving and I couldn’t support him in the beginning because I was too focused on my own grief and helping my other children and family members through their grief.. very rarely did I even show I had any care towards him in a supportive sense.. I helped anyone that asked for him and he didn’t reach out and I was too blind to see his true hurt until this year and even more so after reevaluating my life and healing while working on myself.. I realised I am some of the blame cos I didn’t realise he’d be hurt as much losing a child cos I just seen it as he was the stepfather and my grief was more important cos I was the mum..

@ghettosmurf Do you mean, how do I feel safe in my marriage? Or maybe, how do I make sure my husband doesn’t betray me again? Or maybe, how might my husband and I build a relationship that feels safe to both of us? (All rhetorical questions). 

Yeah that’s what I mean