Time in relationships
I feel like I have messed something good up. I've been with my partner about 15years and were friends for about 5 years before that. We've always been seen as the strong couple others aspire to be and don't get me wrong we have had our trust issues and both messed around at the start but we worked past it.
Things have come to a head recently, I took a lot of convincing at the start that I was good enough and even though we have been strong I feel she has taken the lead on a lot of things. We've spoken about future plans, holidays, businesses, getting married, having kids moving abroad...and none of it has come to fruition. I think I have let her lead the relationship and now she is really really angry with me and convinced I've never meant a word of what I've said. I think I've been lazy but I do still want those things.
Am I a bad person for trying to do these things in my own time thinking she will always be there? I should mention I do get overwhelmed (poss autistic/adhd) when lots of things go on and she's known this but I think this has mentally drained both of us (she's had to do the thinking/feeling for both of us) and I couldn't cope with big picture thinking when small things are in front of my face. I'm not sure I'm explaining this right.
I just know I feel like a f-up, alone, on the brink of being kicked out and like I've hurt someone who's genuinely cared about me and I'm scared of losing them. I'm not even sure what I'm expecting from posting but thank you for taking the time to read. I needed to vent.
@conscientiousNickel7021
I hear you I think many are in similar shoes one of the downfalls of the ONE day we will do this or that items is people believe it and regardless of reasons they feel short changed if nothing has come to fruition. things can change those one day ideas but they need to be talked about NOT after the fact excuses.
One thing you said really resonates and i hope others can learn from it. I think that is a problem I have now too... He is not good with details......so he left me to lead or manage relationship and NOW i resent him for it. At a certain point he can not even take the lead but too little too late ... he has no idea how anything is done.
Never assume someone will always be there while you figure it out .... and you cannot make up with "we can do this and that" ... they simply do not believe in it anymore ......
Assumption totally leads to a total f-up. That's something a friend once said to me years ago and I've still let it happen. I want things to be better but we can't even be in the same room as each other at the moment.
Neither of us are bad people in our situations. I guess clearer communication can help but yeah it's tough once the emotional hurt sets in.
@toughTiger6481 thank you for your words. How are you feeling about things today? You've mentioned no belief and resentment...theyre not easy things to deal with. I guess at least it's something that other people experience too (trying to find something positive here)
@conscientiousNickel7021
i have had many "talks" with partner. I get the "we can do this or that".... but put into motion for example invited to things and he has 90 hurdles of well" i do not know i might need to do this or that"
so I said "ok --- see ya........ take care of that make believe stuff from your couch because you are terrified your backside will shrink if you do not sit there ... i will go have a life"
live without them ---travel if you want--- take up a hobby. THEY left first when they decided a video game/ TV or whatever small thing they want to do was their life and you are not included.
They chose whatever over their partner/ spouse so leaving them while you have a life is guilt free
@toughTiger6481 do you just have separate lives now?
@conscientiousNickel7021
I can relate to the snide comments and just no connection .... it is on BOTH of you .... not just you.
Maybe she hoped you would break free of family things and obligations while you thought it is what is expected.... just mixed signals.
when we discussed things like that once again he chose to pick items out of discussion and not really change.... i had to write an email to him telling him time is up i am not playing do things for a weekend and it is better it is a FULL life change not a fit a few things in ..... we worked a lot while younger to have money to do things now he wants to park on the couch. so he can i will travel i will go to concerts/ plays etc without him because time is precious and you cannot kick the can down the road if i meet someone new and it is serious we can divorce or whatever or i wait him out til death as he is a bit older then i am and he let his health go downhill and refuses to fix that either.
What they do not tell people is marriage people grow and change at different rates ... some people have struggles when their spouse is doing great and it is a constant push and pull.... we are expected to smile and go through that but at a certain point when ONE is doing all the compromise things go badly.
When you have a talk ... tell her all daggers down and just lay out what YOU want and let her lay out her vision .. far too often when we talk we try to be flexible of guess at what the other wants ... that is insane and circular discussion that goes NO where.
@toughTiger6481 I think you're right about the mixed signals. I just feel stupid I didn't realise that sooner.
Your situation sounds kinda rough like at some point he's given up? And expected you to still carry the relationship on so I can understand why you've felt the need to put your foot down.
Yes agree marriage and long term relationships they never tell you it means constant work not just you get it then love happily ever after. I'm late to the party but just realising I haven't given enough attention to the important things. My partner said all I've brought to the relationship is new jobs and cars and I've avoided all the hard conversations. It's not because I didn't want them but because subconsciously I think I thought they'll fix themselves. I am an idiot. Not talking about fears or what or how I feel has caused a rift.
We spoke last night. It didn't go well. She said what is the point of talking if I don't have any answers all I'm doing is having a vent about how I feel and expecting her to listen. I said I want to fix things. She said but I've not done anything different and she doesn't believe that I'm upset. She said I'm manipulative and a bad person for spinning lines she's believed in the past. I said I dealt with the small things in front of my face I didn't mean to not prioritise her and I feel responsible for her anger. She said being responsible would be to split up. I said I didn't want to give up on something that has been good.
@conscientiousNickel7021
if she wants action to show her you are serious ........then she needs to tell you WHAT she wants...If you know then just do it ... surprise her with plans/ making dinner whatever you have not done or done regularly.
i said i wanted action and follow through and him doing something........ and he always chose stuff i disliked ..... i am active person he wanted to go on long drives....... I told him if I wanted a numb butt from just sitting i can do that at home.... he can't follow directions misses turns/ exits etc ........ nothing says i LOVE you like making multiple u-turns and as siri says " return to the route". Incompetence is not attractive.
i would be thrilled if my spouse had an eye opening ... admitted any of his mistakes
i totally get the ignore it hope it fixes itself my spouse does that too... If she wanted to split she would have done it ... maybe she wants you to start a split so she is the injured party.
It is hard when we have these discussions because we often are walking on eggshells and NOT saying things outright ...the letting it go and not dealing with the details is WHAT got us here. some have had counselors help in the communication process. my spouse was not interested in trying that.
@toughTiger6481 I think we've all been there with the numb butt scenario haha
Well we had a chat. Yesterday we tried to spend the day a bit different it went ok. Today however haha well we spoke about plans briefly the day before. I went with a more flexible approach to the day. So didn't quite go as well as had hoped and then there were things....triggers that were around in the day that reminded her of why we'd been arguing before so now I'm back to getting the cold shoulder. I asked though which I guess was a good thing so I know why there's an atmosphere....but I don't think it's practical to avoid people and triggers forever more so trying to roll with it and keep an honest dialogue without going off on a rant. Sheesh. How are you doing?
@conscientiousNickel7021
Yes, i get what you are saying............ i have done that too we have a semi decent time then back to square one as he resorts to well it is all better ... or avoiding the topic etc ...
I think we had a minor breakthrough in that i tell him out right how f- en bored i am ..................how he needs to pick something..... instead of just making suggestions ........hoping i pick something out it is human version of the AI suggestion "do you like this or that ... there are a couple options near you... "
The worst part of my day is asking what type of food he might want for dinner.... his response always the same..." I could eat just about anything" instead of just saying they feel like then he proceeds to ask if we should go out (every night?) .......... and reads not a few .....but every restaurant in a 20 mile radius reviews etc ........I make a sandwich and go for a walk before he realizes i do not care anymore.
just keep communicating ... keep trying be decisive not just suggestions that you both reject and nothing gets picked or done. Encourage her to tell you what she wants as well... do not both hold back because you are unsure if the other person will like or not ....
@toughTiger6481 thank you for your words it helps as can relate to what you're saying. Yeah I can do that thing of giving too many options as well. Trying to say we can do this today...more.
I'm very conscious of communicating. I even said I'm wanting to keep the dialogue flowing because we don't normally. I'm trying to not do what always do although I feel like I'm in a minefield haha don't want to come off as being cold, don't want to come off as not making a decision but yesterday when I made decisions I made all the wrong ones all day...to then be told I'm not normal 🤣 when I've asked today what she wants to do she's just said tell me when you're ready and I'll get ready 😕
About your guy and dinner, have you tried to word the question differently (like if you were to pick what you wanted for dinner *yourself* what would you have tonight?) or say you'll take it in turns to pick what you do? That way kinda sharing a decision but ultimately one of you has to make a decision or starve. Doesn't even have to be a going out thing, could be a decide to stay in and maybe try cook together??
@conscientiousNickel7021
It sounds like you are making an effort ..that is important ............while you feel you made wrong decisions she could help self correct instead of letting you know after the fact or something.
i have reworded the food suggestions thing a million ways this is something he does in even grocery shopping trying too hard to NOT make a decision in case it is wrong.... his refusal to make a decision is only making our situation worse. but it is great to vent a bit or get some feedback. What is more frustrating is he makes decisions for work and a large staff at work have listened to him on phone telling someone this is the path no question not .... well you could do this or that or something else that i get.
@toughTiger6481 that is true about correcting at the time but she said it was because we always do things my way (the wrong way anyway) so didn't want to butt in...I'm not sure that makes sense either!
See I've been told that when I'm on the phone in work I'm completely different and then been asked the question well which person am I! I think I can come off as more opinionated in work but that could be down to I have no emotional link to work, I can be overly analytical or black and white....not that I'm saying I don't care about my work but the type of caring is completely different to my relationship. Does that sound similar to your guy then? All I can think of is maybe he feels in a way not as good as you which is where the scared of not making the right decision (whatever that may be) comes in? Or is it possible he processes thoughts and feelings maybe differently to you? Maybe you work more in a neuro typical way and he is more neuro diverse? I'm only suggesting/asking as these are things which I've had conversations about as well.
Well I'm still confused as ever, I got an unexpected hug before and have now been told I was being a bit over the top putting stuff away. Pah
@conscientiousNickel7021
The re- connection stage is an up and down maybe you will be surprised by an unexpected gesture or hug ... she may think you are doing too much in some areas it takes time to settle down. All good things really she notices your efforts.
part of our issue is his giving 100% to work and other things and i get the left overs. i do not think it is his processing it is he takes me for granted.
@toughTiger6481 yeah that makes sense it could take a while to settle, it's a good reminder I shouldn't be so sensitive and just try go with it. Thanks :)
So your guy puzzles me then!! What does he say when you've told him you feel taken for granted? If he's staying with you but he knows you're not ok....I'm not quite sure how he justifies to himself that how things are is ok?! 😐
@conscientiousNickel7021,
as they say, it takes two to tango.
Don't feel bad because probably she took the lead. That was her decision. As it was your decision to let her take the lead.
We tend to forget that a relationship requires work. Every day as every day is a new stone to add to the foundation.
Too often we sit back in our comfort zone, which actually is not comfy at all. Something is off, we don't talk about, let it happen and before you know it, there's rift that sometimes is beyond repair.
Maybe you can, maybe with help from a relationship therapist, sit down and tell each other in truth and honesty what you need, how the other can help (by actions) and express expectations (whether they are realistic or not).
Again, do not take all blame, it takes two to create a mess. And don't blame her. If there is a chance to reconnect, it all comes down to open communication and sincere understanding.
@dukeofdearham what you've said is true, I think I missed the memo about life and relationships require work. It's not just make a proposal or get in a relationship and that's it you're set for the rest of your life.
I appreciate your reminder. You are right both sides have been in the relationship I just feel like I've let my side down. I'm starting to hate my own comfort zone. I mean it wasn't comfy in the first place it was just getting by but the default has let a rift come in. I feel stupid. And now even when I'm.trying to not be defensive and talk from a genuine place I don't think she believes me because she's used to me being me. It's all frustrating.
Because I have allowed time to pass, my partner now says that she wants to split up because I clearly have not prioritised our family and it is more like her family and I'm out staying my welcome because I am not doing anything different to prove myself.
How do you prove yourself without words...I'm guessing action but I can't do a complete 360 of who I am at the same time.
Any suggestions?
@conscientiousNickel7021
Plans were joint plans correct? what steps has she done to move the plans along?
this is what happens in a couple we talk about things but we seem to assume the other is not moving so we wait? we both procrastinate? then we blame the other one for not only their procrastination but our own as well.
some people talk big plans but do follow through..... they are unsure of what step is next .... what country were you thinking of moving to?
what was the timeline ? or was it when x, y and z and stars align.......
I get this as that is where i am too in we talked about this but zero is being done.... we say maybe next year ... and in the meantime one or both decide we are tired of waiting...... then we still have to face that we are not sure what step is next .... marriage first? doing any and all paperwork visas etc to move abroad?
@toughTiger6481 Yes joint plans but it's complicated. We spoke about family as well, I don't think I can have kids and that was one of the big things we spoke about. It wasn't something either of us knew about at the start but now I think she feels massively resentful because I haven't tried to fix that. Partly because not sure how to fix it (clearly I don't think of solutions the way everyone else does) and she's seen it as my problem to deal with, conversations about it have always felt awkward but she chimes in with you could be doing more. I've been to doctors and slowly got to a point where might be able to do something but it's taken about 6 years of going backwards and forwards, so she has no patience and tells me she's now not interested. If I want to pursue having a family I should do it on my own.
We were meant to move house a couple of years ago but it fell through because we're not married and she didn't want to go to the bank to sort the mortgage together because she didn't want to have to answer questions. I also get the blame now that we haven't moved and we are still in the same situation we have been.
More to stack against me that I have done nothing to prove I put our relationship first.
I don't have a good relationship with my family but do a lot for hers. I feel like I support her this way and she now feels like I use that as a distraction. She feels resentful that they now include me in everything and she doesn't know mine. On the odd occasion where I've had interaction I've told her what's going on. My parents were quite... opinionated and didn't want to acknowledge our relationship because they're old fashioned and they expected more from me. Partly why I don't talk to them anymore. But because I didn't do more to defend her or bridge a relationship there where they actually got to know each other...that is me not prioritising again.
We spoke about moving to Canada. I've looked at jobs and applying for visas...quite hard to work out what category job falls into but sent enquiries and it only got so far because what visa is it I'd be going for...we're not married so how would I bring my family with me.
She's not a bad person, like literally she might be incredibly blunt but the intention is usually good. She's a very self aware person that way. I think she wants someone to do things for her at the same time as not taking away her independence and I've got lost somewhere in the middle.
It's just a mess. I can take things too literally which doesn't help. Like you know when someone says leave me alone but they don't mean it and then that turns into something bigger.
Big rant, thanks for listening!
@conscientiousNickel7021
I understand that you feel so much pressure on yourself and yes many of those are big tasks and should be joint efforts.
I understand what you are talking about as i was clearly upset last night and was trying to not cry and my partner just increases volume in tv to drown out or when i went to another room he should come see how i am or hold me etc but seems clueless i was mad last night but now see i should have to spell out things like he is a toddler.
At a certain point we get tired and resentful that someone is not reading the situation right etc. my partner also has a medical condition that he can not fix but part of me blames him for us not doing all we spoke of like he could flip a switch...... IMO it may be she is not hwere she wants to be in life and it can be easier to blame you.
@toughTiger6481 I feel like she is ashamed of me or our relationship or something and that she chased me at the start but since then I am always the one trying to fix things and play catch up. But years of playing catch up and not being where we should be...i think has resulted in this anger and resentment towards me. I feel like my head is all over the place.
I think maybe you describe just if he recognised you weren't ok....he didn't even need to say much then that would help? I had a similar situation the other night that I messed up. I recognised she was upset and a bit quiet. I said I felt like she was ignoring me and being quiet. Because I made it about my feelings that was it she hit the roof. I clearly don't care as I couldn't be the bigger person and just give her a hug and ask her if she was ok. I really did not mean to make it about me. The whole reason I asked was because I saw she wasn't ok. I clearly did not ask her the right way. She said she was tired. In the past I've been criticissed for getting into bed too late and waking her up so I thought ok I'll give her some space trying to be considerate. Told this was the wrong approach. She just wanted me to be the bigger person and show some care and attention. I feel really stupid. Like I can't read people. Like I don't understand anyone. I'm over thinking everything I do, every interaction even in work coz I have no idea how the *** I come across anymore.
She criticised me yesterday for not spending time fixing something in the extension (it's not a small job so try to do this in bits while working from home) yesterday. Her comments were along the lines of I'm annoying, I make everything hard. We should split up. She might as well make it obvious she might as well get what she can put of me like fix things coz at least they're done then. I got up early today and thought ok I'll continue to do this seems she's commented in the past about not doing anything different like getting up early to try do stuff that needs doing. Maybe I shouldn't have done? Family are at home but I've not seen them much. Not been into the main bit of the house much. Just went back in to make a drink to find everyone has gone out without saying anything to me. Not quite sure how to feel. Used. P*ssed off. But at the same time I think I jus put myself in that position. I don't think I can do anything right in the moment. I just feel like I *** everything I touch up.
On your last point though I do agree she is not where she wants to be and she is quite happy to blame me.
@conscientiousNickel7021
I think you and i are acting in the same play just different places....
it becomes a combo of things where we get upset and mad and we try to give space but that is not right we try to talk about things and that is not right .......it is as if there is no director and someone to tell us what we are doing wrong. He never even tried to help .... never does anything i tried talking about my feelings he takes personally saying i said something i did not .
Told him it is a big difference if i FEEL i am always having to defend myself then actually having to defend myself.... he is complete void of seeing or recognizing feelings and that is somehow my issue? it gets to a point where it might be easier to split because we just go round and round.... leaving and not telling you is rude IMO
@toughTiger6481 I like the analogy! I think that's why I like talking with you...you get it....even though it's a bit of a weirdly unique situation!
It sounds a bit like your guy maybe struggles to manage his own feelings and maybe with recognising what his feelings are....if he can't do that I think it would be even more of a challenge trying to understand yours. Might also explain why he can do things in a work environment...there doesn't have to be an emotional connection it's more black and white?
Yes I definitely feel like going round in circles. I think going out was rude without even a word or text was rude. They came back. Spent some time in the same room....not really acknowledging each other. By the time everyone went to bed had the opportunity to say something but by that point I was feeling tired and not up for a confrontation so took myself to the spare room. While I realise that action is creating a gap and that's not what I want, I can't deal with late night arguments. Plus I know she's working tomorrow so taking a step back from situation I'm trying to be considerate on both sides. I doubt she'll see it like that though.