Stuck
I can't stop spying on my husband's phone and I don't know what to do about it. Over the past year I have found him exchanging sexual messages with several random women online, but I can't confront him about it without admitting that I also betrayed him by invading his privacy. I know if I did bring it up, he would minimize it saying it was just flirting and they never met in person so it's not cheating. What bothers me the most is that he is hiding it from me. But then I feel like a hypocrite because I'm also keeping this secret from him. Recently he changed the password on his phone and it makes me worried that he either knows I was checking it or he has something even bigger to hide now. Should I just accept that this is something he'll keep doing? I'm afraid talking to him about it will be the end of our marriage.
@turquoisefox18
Talk to him ....
think about what is he getting out of these chats? ... do you make him feel attractive/ sexy / funny and wanted? does he make you feel that?
have you considered being that woman ... text him some sexy flirtatious message rev up your world if you want to change the situation... Ester Perel a very famous marriage counselor suggests just that...
Why are you both walking on egg shells he might know you looked and that is why he changed password .... why did he not ask or is that when he confessed it is just fun and nothing happened .....the Door to conversation is wide open....
we do not talk and things get worse... silence is not saving your marriage ..... silence is an infection on an open wound.
He has not confessed but I'm sure that he would say it's meaningless. So I wonder if I should let it go and learn to be less jealous. I think he probably hides it from me because he knows I would be hurt, which he would probably consider an overreaction. Is it an overreaction? Maybe I am too sensitive and insecure. I'm doubting whether my need for transparency and security is valid or not. Maybe we're not a good match if we have these completely different views.
@turquoisefox18
It is not oversensitive or insecure when you found the chats....
tell him you know ... what do you have to lose a person making connections with others? why is he hiding it? find out where your relationship is... couples are sometimes afraid to ask because they think they are not ready for the answer but prolonging it will not ease the pain or awkwardness of a conversation that will eventually happen....
Knowing this...
* Do you feel like you would you ever trust him again, staying married, knowing that he will continue to talk to other women which can lead to him being intimate with them? ((And possibly him bringing s*xual diseases to YOUR home after being with other women?))
* Would you ever cheat on him and feel like it's OK?
If you answered no to those things...then you know what he is doing is wrong.
YOU deserve someone who will treat you with kindness, love, respect, support, and show you how valuable you are. YOU are worth it!!
If you have kids, PLEASE get screenshots of his cheating to use in court, if you decide to divorce.
OR save the screenshots too, in case he tries to claim your house. He does NOT deserve the home after how he has treated you! What if he brings these strange women to YOUR house while you're gone? He is EXTREMELY disrespectful.
You can try couple's counseling, but most likely he is just going to lie and gaslight you.
He's already showing that he is NOT trustworthy and sneaks behind your back.
If he complains about you "snooping through" his phone, well tell him you would NOT have to, if you could trust him.
He will try to turn it on YOU, when it is NOT your fault.
You're married, you're together. Marriage takes work and commitment.
He is NOT putting in ANY work NOR commitment into the marriage.
A lot of married couples are OPEN and HONEST, they even share passwords!
They show their partners whatever they would like to see without hesitation because they have TRUST.
Sorry if I am being to harsh or blunt, but I have gone through some REALLY bad relationships (that resulted in domestic violence) myself, and you should save yourself from this headache.
Definitely save some money too, in case you need to move out, or kick him out of the house after and start separating your finances and get everything ready.
Look into support groups and individual therapy as well.
Again, I want to reiterate, that YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, RESPECT, AND KINDNESS!
@turquoisefox18 If frankly a girlfriend was sending guys messages in secret I would break up with her, but then again I'm a tough person