Relationship break after 4 1/2 years
Hi all,
I’d just like to gain some insights from people on here regarding my situation. I apologize if this is a bit long. So i’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, been through college, travelling and so many memories together. i truly see him as my partner and bestfriend. We’d always talk about the future, getting married, kids and he wrote songs about me. I’ve never felt more safe and comfortable being myself around him.
We recently graduated from college, and he decided to join training for the guards straight after and I decided to take a year off before pursuing my masters as I felt severely burnt out. I’m so so proud of him and I love being here to support him as his cheerleader.
Recently, I felt like I was giving a lot more effort than he was in the relationship but I always just said it’s because he has his career to prioritize right now so I was okay with it. I always tried to call him to check up on him, how his day was going and tried my best to show my appreciation. At one point, I started to feel lonely? He was drinking with his friends and I was waiting for a call even if it was a little late, I waited. I was happy he was enjoying his time but I couldn’t stop the feeling of craving his attention a little bit more, you know? I was waiting sometimes hours for a text back or i’d expect a call after his night and he’d forget or just be too tired.
anyway, i tried to understand and he made time for me once a week. I cleared off my schedule to have Saturdays specifically for him. And that was our time to spend together. Whenever we’d spend time together, he was always feeling tired and I just wanted to be in his presence, ofcourse I wanted physical intimacy but I knew he was exhausted so I never pushed for it. After many weeks of trying to life his spirits up, i got a little upset because when I do see him I just wanted him to show some love. It never turned into a fight or an argument but i’d express my feelings and he’d apologize and say he was just really tired.
Then after that, we’d decided on a day after his stage 1 training where we’ll have a sleepover. I was super excited, even called him to bring his big snoodie so we can cuddle and be comfortable. He picks me up after work and then parks near my house and then all of a sudden says “I think we need to break up”. I didn’t get any clues that he was feeling anything negative that day so it absolutely broke me. He explained that he has been feeling emotionally distant the past few weeks and feels he couldn’t be there for me emotionally and physically. I reassured him that it was okay because I understood that he was always exhausted and apologized if I ever did or said anything to make him upset. I practically begged for him to give us a second chance, which probably made me look so dumb. We were just crying together and even though I was upset I couldn’t bring myself to yell at him or get mad at him…
I left after a little while and broke down in front of my mom. I called my friend and she said I should call him again and talk it out. So we called again two hours later, I offered the alternative that maybe he just needs a break. Give him time and space because he’s overwhelmed and stressed and maybe I was adding to that. So i told him that time and space away from me might help him think. As much as it hurts me, it might be what he needs.. and it’s a decision that I’m also a part of because it allows me to think too.
we agreed to some ground rules like no contact, and no talking, texting or seeing other people. I’ll be gone for a month to my home country (the timing also wasn’t the best because I’m leaving in a few days), so after I’m back we can reassess. We have a set date to talk about everything. I’m anxious, hurt and overwhelmed because I feel like throwing away 4 1/2 years of happiness together all of a sudden doesn’t sit right with me.. I wish he could have talked to me about how he was feeling instead of letting it build up and settling with breaking up as the conclusion. I love and care about him so much, but I know that I should prepare for the worst and hope for the best. it will suck not talking to him while I’m in my home country, I have so many things I wanna show him but this might be what he needs… how do I deal with this? could he come back to me potentially? I don’t really know how to feel at the moment because sometimes i’d just randomly break down and start crying, I also don’t wanna ruin the holiday for my family so I’m trying to stay positive.
any advice is appreciated <3
@intuitivePenguin4529 I'm sorry you are going through all this. I don't want to read too much in to this, because I simply don't know all the details, but I feel like there must be something more going on with him than just him feeling tired. I think there is something he needs to sort out with himself and I hope he's going to be honest with you about what he finds. He let things build up and get to this point and then decided himself to break it off without you in the loop- that wasn't nice of him to do and I feel like it shows a lack of trust in you or in outside support in general. Other than joining the guard, has any other life change happened for him? Have you noticed that he's not as interested in things he used to be interested in? There's also the possibility that you two are growing apart after years of being together and maybe he's realized this and trying to come to terms with it in not the most mature manner- dropping you like that and not communicating properly. Relationships don't stay the same, they evolve if they are worth it. Have you or him changed in any way since you started seeing each other?
Hi thank you so much for this, I think there is more going on that he hasn’t told me that’s why he let things built up but when we were talking he often gave an ‘i don’t know’ answer to my questions. It hurt a lot because everything was normal that morning and the day before. And in terms of interests, the only big difference is that he’d go out and drink a lot more since that was their way of relaxing after training.
I feel like I also became too available for him at times because at the end of the week he knew I was always going to be there but for me I had to confirm whether or not I would see him. He also said that he does feel we are growing apart but what hurts is that we grew together but it always took effort from the both of us, at one point it was just me showing him some love and support. I do agree that relationships don’t always stay the same, but I think that’s what makes it so beautiful, evolving and growing through life together. I embrace change and I know he sometimes gets uncomfortable with the thought of change.
I do appreciate you pointing some of these things out because throughout the past few days I realised he has lots of things to work on, so i think if he uses this break wisely to reflect then it can really help him.
It really hurts not talking to him recently so its a hard adjustment. I’m currently on my flight back to my home country for the holidays and last we talked he said he’d wish me a safe flight. So I expected a message but nothing yet.
I’m really trying not to overthink it though.