Passion is lost...

Not sure what topic this would be.... Also, not sure where to begin either.... There's just so much to explain and lots of back story that it almost seems impossible to find the start...

Here it goes, I will do my best to not stray too much.

I've never had any good relationships. They all used me in some fashion or another. None of them treated me like I was their girl, none of them put me first, none of them tried to really get to know me. It was all sweet talk, sex, then we move on. I will admit, I was very careless in my younger years, it's a real mystery of how I'm still here honestly. At the same time, I was always searching for that 'one' that will actually love me.

Moving foward to 20 yrs ago with my ex. I knew he wasn't the one, in fact I used him to get here. At the same, I did have some hope after getting to know him better. The first 2 yrs were fun, almost perfect, we did things together... after that.. it just stopped. I stayed with him for 7yrs and I have no idea why. I tried to make it work, I really did... then he kept ignoring me, at one point started to use me as his excuse for not doing things... like buying a motorcycle.. With that, I started to search again, I started to stray away from him.

That's where my husband comes into play. We met online, it was a rocky start into the relationship. Mainly because of me. I was scared of how he made me feel, I've been down that road so many times that I was blocking as to not get hurt again. Yet, that's all I was doing, hurting him and myself. Eventually, I found a way out and moved in with him. It was something I've always wanted, someone that actually treated me like I was his. Made me feel loved, as if I belonged, I was his and he was mine. I can't say it was perfect, because nothing is perfect... However, it was far better than anything I've ever had before.

The biggest issue within our relationship is the fact that we wanted to bring in a third girl. I was always hesitant about it mainly because I don't get along with other females. I'm not girly girly at all, I don't go out to salons to get my hair and nails done, I don't wear fancy clothes.. I'm a barefoot, get my hands dirty and running wild in the forest kind of girl. None the less, I will admit, I was curious and if we did manage to find a match... great, fantastic.... First female was a joke... 2nd female I have no clue why he wanted... 3rd female wasn't interested in the poly relationship, so I didn't try. We did make an arrangements though, which I made the mistake of agreeing to... That's where he changed. His whole attitude changed. I don't even know why or how.. It's not like they did anything serious, the arrangement didn't last long at all.. Nothing extreme happened... yet... it changed him...

That's when the emotions started to hit me. Then.... comes along the last female.... This is the one that ended me emotionally. I had no idea about this one, he met her at work, in a sense, she was helping with a project for a place to live type arrangement with his dad. He never mentioned anything at all about meeting a new female. They got to talking, in a sense created a relationship... then he finally told me about her. When we went on our first date, I found out they had been talking for a month... a whole month... Ok, fine, whatever, that was the first bite, I got over it, sorta... kind of... not really...

I noticed on that first date how distant she kept herself. She didn't stay with us, didn't have any real conversations. I don't know what was up with this one. Apparently with him, she was a talkative person. Moving forward a bit, we did hang out more, me and her were chatting on f'book. She had all this pillow talk and blah blah.. yet her actions... yea, whatever, she would pull away from at every chance she got. One point my husband ended up in the hospital for a week. I tried to get her to come over during that week, that whole one on one time getting know each other without him type deal... Guess what... no surprise that she found an excuse to not come over. When he gets out of the hospital.. bam.. she comes over without question.

All these females just wanted him, not a single one was interested in me at all. Ok, fine, whatever, I get it. I wasn't all that interested in them either. Especially this last one... even tho I did try my hardest to get to know her. That's where the blame comes in, it came down to I didn't try hard enough, I wasn't doing things with these females, I was being pushed into a corner. It was all about them, no one at all, including my husband, didn't care about how I felt. No matter what I said, it always came down to the female in question... I wasn't first and well, I was supposed to be... Me and the husband did have boundaries when searching for these females. We did have rules for each other... and he broke every single one of those rules... I allowed it cause I didn't want to fight and I got tired of being blamed...

My birthday comes around... I had a plan for a little mini party with the three of us. I figured if me and her get drunk having fun, it might help break the tension between us. What a fail that was... this is the day that I completely shut down and no longer care about anything that happens. Granted, nothing serious happened that day.. nothing sexual anyway... however, both of them comepletely ignored me. for the entire day, and through out the night. Those two were lovy dovy, holding hands, petting, him kissing her forhead and stupid crap like that. I had to sit and watch the whole thing, for an entire day. She kept pulling away from me when I tried to hold her hand, it was like he couldn't touch me for whatever reason. It obviously ended that day and I haven't been the same sense.

Husband and I have talked, things are good now, as far as all that goes. He know how bad he hurt me and the way he treated me. We have been together for 20yrs now and I want to be happy with him again. However, this is where the real issue comes into play now... The passion between us is dead. We both have been having health issues, for him, things are getting much better thankfully and well, it is causing him to be a bit more 'perkier' again. As for me, I'm dealing with menopause drama, so it is a bit harsh for me to have fun. Even then, with all that, it is almost like he has forgotten how to pleasure me. It's like he is afraid to touch me, or when he does, it is all for him. He doesn't touch me to pleasure me, it is only what he wants to get out of it. At this point, I'm pretty much just a toy for his needs... He doesn't even kiss me anymore. I want that passion we used to have back.... I want him back... More importantly.... I want me back... I know a lot of our passion issue is me being cold towards his touch now. I can't seem to enjoy it anymore, then again, I know he's not doing for me either, which doesn't help...

I know this was long and drawn out.. I apologize for that... I tried to keep simple, yet... it was impossible... I don't know what to do anymore though. I miss him and I know he misses me... We live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, been together for 20yrs.. yet, it's like we are complete strangers. It is hurting us both...