Partner with different political beliefs
When I first met my bf I thought we were on the same page about almost everything. Maybe I’ve changed or maybe it’s because the world is changing so fast but over time I’ve felt more and more disconnected from him in the realm of politics and/or perspective on world events and while I think I’ve grown a LOT by having discussions with him about our disagreements it often just doesn’t sit well with me that we don’t see things similarly more often than not. He’s totally fine to disagree and set it aside but I’m having a lot more trouble not dwelling on these differences lately… can anyone relate ?
@Mocraw10
I humbly believe that it is not the matter of IF the people in a relationship experience having different views on something, but HOW SOON.
I think it is crucial to be on the same page with the ideas of a relationship, marriage (or not getting married), having (or not) and raising children, sharing the bills and daily chores... It's also much easier when both partners have the same or similar attitude to faith or religion.
But we don't have to listen to the same music, have the same favourite books or movies, like sports, or support the same political ideas.
My view is: Come on, it is not the outside world (the one from the news most people do not care about) which is important, but the inside world of your relationship.
A partner who loves you does not have to be your mental twin. Being on the same page with some key issues is important, but some small differences can make a relationship more true and alive.
We do agree on a lot of the things you mentioned first and have a lot of similar hobbies too! With the world changing so fast these days I am afraid of our different views on world events because there have been a lot of big things happening and they do matter to greater humanity. 🤷🏻♀️ it might not affect our day to day lives so much but one day down the line couldn’t it?
@jacek73
@Mocraw10
Maybe it is not so much about politics, but about your personal vision of a relationship?
Should it be more like two people merging to become one mind? Or two separate persons, but connected?
It is just like an email mailbox, bank account or social media account: some couples prefer to have two, while some - to run one together.
@Mocraw10
What makes you feel "world events" are so important?
I am sorry, but it is put in a very broad way, and I am not sure what exactly you may mean by "there have been a lot of big things happening and they do matter to greater humanity".
If you mean, for example, different views on matters like abortion, contraception, blood transfusions, transplantations, gender or racial equality, transhumanism - I agree it can bite you some day (but don't have to).
But if you mean things like war in Ukraine, attitudes towards Donald Trump, capitalism, electronic invigilation or globalization - what makes you think it is so important?
Would you rather look for 101% insurance for your future together, enjoy your time together right now, or maybe find some balance mid-way?
@jacek73 his attitude toward Trump, Musk, RFK and the whole administration- although he is not 100% supportive- often gives them much more credit than I think is due. It makes me incredibly frustrated that he often sees them as having our best interests at heart when I see them as money hungry billionaires bent on dismantling every government program meant to help the general public.
I said he’s a conspiracy theorist but he’s far right with his conspiracies to the point that he trusts the Trump administration the exact way they want people to trust them.
I see these executive orders being implemented by deplorable people every day and am genuinely terrified of the consequences. I’m so not okay with privatizing the entire country and every time I read about it I become hopeless. Just yesterday I read a thread about the risk of impending ecological or financial collapse Trump + co. poses and my heart sinks. Meanwhile he’s entirely hung up on Elon musk telling his Twitter followers that they caught the government spending $20,000 on a paper Starbucks cup. And he thinks that is the true “resistance” so to speak.
I guess I find it important because I put a lot of value into government systems of oppression being dismantled for working class people to lead better lives and perhaps that’s what he wants too but his idea of who the “oppressor” is, is so so different than mine.
@Mocraw10
I understand your concerns about, for example, the entire middle class of the Western world to be extinct. It's not good seeing the entire societies falling apart. However, in my own life I see a relationship as something than can make us happy in the eye of the storm: crisis or even war.
@Aayla
Well, maybe my views are somehow influenced by seeing people who were on a mission to "save the world" so much, that they neglected their children or relationships.
But I agree on the point that when I hear e.g. someone repeatedly telling only bad things about women or men, I don't trust this person.
@jacek73 @aayla He compared it once to rooting for a football team when you clearly know that there are players on the team that have committed crimes and are bad people- it doesn’t mean you like them as people or support their values you just support what they’re doing
The thing is that we agree on a lot of things like I’ve said, civil rights, guns, humanitarian issues, income inequality, metal health issues and drug abuse issues etc. it’s just that some of these things that are happening in the US government he doesn’t see as incredibly counter productive to his values because he BELIEVES Elon musk is saving the government a ton of money, he believes Trump is going to stop wars, loves what’s being done for crypto, loves RFKs plans to “fix” the food industry and believes corruption within the government is finally going to be unveiled. Overall just has an entirely different idea than me of the correct approach to solving global problems. Not saying that some of the ideas this administration has had are entirely terrible I love the idea of “making America healthy again” but I hate the approach they’ve taken to essentially all the real problems AND the fake problems they’ve created.
and he is constantly defending them to me because I’m constantly attacking them so he doesn’t even trust what I have to say at this point it seems because I’m so biased (which isn’t wrong however I feel I carefully choose which sources to trust despite the fact that I am more focused on the downfalls of the administration)
soooo yeah his heart isn’t in a bad place and I want so badly to be able to not let it affect me but it’s blowing my mind every day how he doesn’t see these things the way I do and the disconnect is growing unfortunately. I’m constantly in this tug of war in my mind between what @aayla is saying and what @jacek73 is saying because I think it’s so important to accept what you cannot change, love your partner the way they are and choose your happiness over fixating on your differences especially when they are so theoretical AND I simultaneously think it’s important that your partner and you have compatible (if not 100%) visions and ideas of the world and tbh I never expected to be in the situation where I’m in love with someone with his mindset because if I knew what I know now in the beginning I’m not sure I would have stuck around. But here I am sticking around because I love him and I didn’t find any of this out till the last few months really. And this feeling is crushing my soul so I just need to get on with it and make up my mind about what I want.
@Mocraw10
I think we can see the entire situation from at least two points of view:
We can take it literally, as the difference between you and your partner as far as political views are concerned. Could you imagine going back in time to the moment when you first met your partner? How much important was your political compatibility then? And how is it now? Is it among top 5 qualities you expect from the partner? Or maybe among first 10? What were the most important things in your partner that made him the person you started to like?
Or we could try to read between the lines...
Maybe it is not at all about politics?
First, I feel some anxiety in your being in this relationship (or being in a relationship at all?). Some people here are very sad, because they are lonely, have no partner, or their partners are absent, irresponsible or disrespectful to them.
Where is you "Positivity & Gratitude"?*
(*quoting the name of a section in this forum)
From my experience there are times when people in relationships can argue for hours about stupid things, not for solving any real trouble, just for quarrelling itself. Things like: 'Why don't you like when I have short hair?" or 'Would you still be with me if I have a cancer like 15 years from now?" (if we are both alive and still together then...)
I think that it because being in a relationship is dangerous. There comes a moment when you have this melting boundaries feeling and start to wonder: "Are me and my partner still separate entities, or one person?", "If we are still not one human, I have to show him/her we are different and I am not like them". No matter if that is about your boyfriend from 20 years ago or the unkind words of his mother when you visited her for dinner last Sunday.
It's a paradox of being like one person together and being two separate humans at the same time. And the more we struggle to feel safe with that, the more dangerously we may act.
Maybe this is the thing described in songs with words "love pains"?
It seems you are pressing very hard on - as you said - maybe theoretical things. Do you feel like ruminating on it? And maybe even that is a way of sabotaging your relationship? Do you really want to lose it?
@aayla yeah that’s a good point for sure thank you! It’s not that his views are objectively bad, he definitely cares about human rights, it is more just like he’s way more of a conspiracy theorist than I am, and I’m seeing him become persuaded that things that are happening (for example with Elon musk) aren’t as bad as they seem mean while I’m freaking out about it all and he just thinks I’m overly paranoid and doesn’t share the same alarm as me AT ALL (partially due to the fact he’s Irish and not American so it doesn’t feel nearly as close to home I’m sure). It’s helpful in a way that I feel I’m considering more than just the liberal perspective but it’s hard not feeling validated or understood with my level of anxiety.😓
@Mocraw10
If that is about Elon Musk (sorry, I didn't read it earlier), would you like your partner to share your views - or just to say he respects and understands your concerns?
OK. As far as I understand: the latter. You said that.
I agree that validating feelings (which not necessarily means sharing the same views) is very important in a relationship. Did you try to tell your partner straight what you needed?
@Mocraw10,
cant you simply agree to disagree? Standing up for your views is perfectly fine. But are they worth threatening a relationship over?
You both could just share your views without getting triggered. I've heard stories of even families falling apart over politics. Is it worth it?
My ex wife has two friends. One of them is a Democrat, the other is a staunch Republican (the kind who is not open to different views). The latter told the first one "if you start talking politics, the friendship is over". I wouldn't call that friendship.
Personally, I don't understand why folks over here get so upset on politics at times. I really don't. I'm OK if someone has different views, as long as they are not extreme in words AND (emphasis on AND) behavior.
It’s not that I’m giving him an ultimatum or anything it’s just become very heavy for me to feel like we are on totally different planets. I think it’s so sad that politics can become so divisive that it ruins families and friendships and I actually think I’m very tolerant of peoples different views when it comes to friends and family but apparently, I’m learning I’m not so tolerant if that person is my partner. I want to have your attitude I really do and I know you have a good point it’s just so hard for me to turn this feeling off. I know I need to focus more on his actions and what not too, not just words. I guess it’s just such an intense feeling of alienation on this level that you have to wonder maybe we’re just not compatible? I want to not care and just agree to disagree but that’s way easier said than done when you have that alienation feeling. If I just stopped caring about what was going on around the world that would be a great solution but I’m just not sure it’s who I am…
@dukeofdearham
@dukeofdearham I guess people get super worked up over politics because it really does affect the way we live our lives at the end of the day. Maybe not in a bold every day way but in many, often insidious ways, nonetheless. Political policies can affect the toxicity of the environment you and your family are exposed to, the quality of healthcare you and your loved ones can afford, the amount of money the government takes away from you, the quality and safety of food/medications, natural disaster response when your town is hit, first responder services, or even more extremely could send your country to war and the list goes on and on so like in one sense I completely agree with you but in another sense it’s hard to not get worked up over how your life is can be easily upended/ infringed upon by the decisions of politicians
@Mocraw10,
I get all that. It can be tough when you live in a country with basically just two political parties, that cannot/refuse to work together for the people. It's even tougher when you have a jurisdictional system that is not independent, not related to political parties and checks against laws based on personal perceptions and interests.
I cannot change the world, I can make small changes by caring and being there for others, no matter their political preferences. I might express my views, any view, without trying to convince someone to choose my side. After all, we are all human and thinking in "us and them", well, it's not gonna make me a better person.
There's a saying, "be the change you wanna see in the world". You can't change the world, yet by being you you can contribute to not let change grind to a hold.
@Mocraw10
This is tough, and it makes sense why its weighing on you. Political differences aren't just about opinions, it can say alot about someone. If you constantly feel unheard or dismissed, thats exhausting, and love alone isnt always enough to bridge that gap. The key question is whether you can still respect each other’s perspectives and feel supported despite this difference.
When something genuinely worries you, and he sees it as paranoia, that disconnect can be really off-putting (like hes downplaying your views on situations) and hard to live with. You definitely don't have to agree on everything, but you do need to feel understood and valued. Just ask yourself does this relationship make you feel seen and respected, or is the divide too deep? If agreeing to disagree is making you lose yourself, and even making you rethink the relationship, then its worth considering if its truly sustainable.