Obsessive crush as a married woman
I have been married 20 years and have developed an obsessive crush. It has happened before over the years but it is always painful and all consuming. I am an artist and share my work on ***. A fellow artist- a young man from France messaged me saying I was attractive and I immediately rejected it telling him I'm married. After a little while tho, I felt flattered and would respond. He is an artist and an architect and I like his art and think he is smart and find him attractive. I have felt very guilty about messaging him, although it's a few times a week and mostly about art. I think I feel more guilty, tho bc he has consumed much of my thoughts throughout the day. This is a pattern for me. I tend to put someone on a pedestal and obsess over them. It pains me and I feel bad because I love my husband very much. I am 42 and attractive and I very much fear getting older so I am aware that this has become a weakness for me. I toggle back and forth between just feeling he is my little art buddy, but then I think I spend too much time thinking of him. I just need help..
@Lillyskb
I think you have your answer in your post when we are growing older.. we sometimes like to be flirted with or feel attractive and new chats with someone can be exciting as opposed to talk about the everyday things like whats for dinner...
Some marriage counselors I have seen in videos suggest if you like fun texts and chat do it with your spouse take your crush feelings and apply to marriage. This can save anything going farther or anyone being hurt.
@toughTiger6481
"take your crush feelings and apply to marriage"
That I like a lot. Often, we view marriage as a different, more mundane type of relationship, but it doesn't have to be that way. We can totally seek ways to spice it up on a daily basis.
@AmyPondd
we can fall into a rut take each other for granted and it is fun the like dating moments we can have if we chat with a new person. can we send flirty text to spouse can we have a "first " date and maybe remember to talk more.
@Lillyskb
Hi.
I believe the French man was wrong to flatter you if he knew you were married. While it's natural to crave attention and compliments, this situation can be a good opportunity to communicate with your spouse. What if you let him know that someone else complimented you and that you miss receiving such attention from himself. While attention from others can feel uplifting, hiding it or finding it inappropriate can introduce a bit of poison into your marriage.
Thank you for sharing your experience withus. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such complex feelings, and I want you to know that your emotions are valid and worth exploring.
It's not uncommon to develop crushes, even when you're in a committed relationship. These feelings can be confusing and consuming, especially when they become a pattern. It's important to acknowledge that being flattered and attracted to someone new doesn't diminish your love for your husband.
It's great that you recognize this pattern and are seeking to understand it better. The fact that you feel guilty about your thoughts and interactions with this young artist shows that you care deeply about your marriage and your husband. Your awareness of the situation is the first step towards addressing it.
Here are a few steps that might help you navigate these feelings:
Reflect on Your Emotions: Take some time to understand why this crush has such a strong hold on you. Is it a distraction from other aspects of your life? Does it fulfill a need that you feel is lacking elsewhere? Understanding the root cause can provide clarity.
Set Boundaries: While it's okay to appreciate someone else's art and intelligence, it’s crucial to set boundaries to protect your marriage and emotional well-being. Limiting your interactions and keeping the conversation strictly professional can help manage your feelings.
Focus on Your Relationship: Reinvesting in your marriage might help. Spend quality time with your husband, communicate openly about your feelings (if you feel comfortable doing so), and explore new activities or hobbies together to strengthen your bond.
Seek Support: Talking to a therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. They can help you understand why these patterns occur and how to manage them effectively.
Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to have these feelings, and it’s okay to seek help. Aging and fears associated with it can be challenging, but embracing your journey and finding confidence in your experiences and abilities can be empowering.
Remember, you're not alone in this, and seeking support is a sign of strength. It's possible to navigate these feelings in a way that honors both your marriage and your personal growth. Keep focusing on your art, your relationships, and your self-care. You have the ability to work through this with grace and understanding.
I agree with @Lillyskb. The french man shouldnt flatter you.
it’s important to consider the impact of the French man's flattery on you and your marriage. His compliments may seem harmless, but they can create an emotional bond that may lead to complications. Here are a few reasons why his flattery can be dangerous:
Emotional Infidelity: Engaging in emotionally charged conversations can lead to an emotional affair, which can be just as damaging as a physical one. Emotional connections can sometimes blur boundaries and lead to more serious issues.
False Expectations: Flattery can create a false sense of intimacy and connection. It’s important to recognize that he might be trying his luck, hoping to form a deeper bond with you, which could undermine your marriage. Hurt you or use you when your guard is down
Distracting You from Your Relationship: Spending too much time thinking about or interacting with him can take away from the time and energy you invest in your marriage. This can create distance between you and your husband.
Risk of Misunderstanding: By responding to his flattery, you might unintentionally encourage him to continue or escalate his advances. This can lead to misunderstandings and further complications.
Personal Vulnerability: Recognizing your fear of aging and the need for validation, it’s essential to be cautious. Seeking affirmation from someone outside your marriage can make you more vulnerable to emotional manipulation.
While it’s natural to appreciate compliments and feel flattered, it's crucial to set boundaries to protect your marriage and emotional well-being. Keeping the conversation strictly professional and limiting interactions can help manage your feelings.
Reinvesting in your marriage, seeking support from a therapist or counselor, and focusing on your own self-worth and growth can also provide clarity and strength. You deserve to feel valued and respected without compromising your relationship.
Remember, you have the ability to navigate these feelings with grace and understanding. By setting boundaries and focusing on what truly matters, you can protect your marriage and emotional health.
... You are not alone. I had a difficult time in my relationship. There were lots of men giving me attention. I felt good at times, wanted, sexy, beautiful, I thought those men could give me what I felt I wasnt getting from my man... I grew to dislike my man more, until I realised that those men wont be any better as they wil promise the world just to win me. I thought of the impact my decisions would make. One man was married and would flirt with me... I thought of the wife, etc.. Once I built up self esteem etc, I didnt need to have the flattery..
