First, Now 4 Year Relationship

@OhhKa,

until her decides to grow up and be a man, this will not lead anywhere.

And deep down you know he won't grow up.

I think you’re right. It’s been about a month since I made my initial post, and there has been no change. When his parents talk to him about him getting a job he gets extremely defensive and mean and has told me he will never get one. I just don’t understand how he expects to support his future…

I’m trying to open my eyes as much as I don’t want to and unfortunately I think he just wants to be a pessimist about his situations in life and always blame his parents when he has the power to control what happens since he’s an adult in his late 20s.

Hi @OhhKay,

This is definitely a difficult and challenging situation. I'm in my early twenties, so I completely understand your perfectly reasonable needs.

Your concerns are valid and it has been 4 years. You also talked about the barriers you have overcome in those years, so you should be proud of yourself, regardless of what happens between you and him. You have made a great effort to fully realise your dreams and he hasn't contributed meaningfully. You have reflected on your needs, listened to his perspective and explore solutions together, so you have done your best.

I think you should talk to him again and perhaps consider couples therapy, if it is feasible. I believe that ultimatums are unconstructive and indicative of a larger incompatibility, so a professional may be able to assist and get through to him.

It is not surprising that you are concerned about your future with him, but please don't let the fear of being alone stop you. Being alone for a short or long time is not a failure. It sounds like the sunk-cost fallacy is influencing your judgment. I have been in at least 3 relationships and I am slightly younger. It is okay for relationships to end. It's also okay to build new relationships and figure yourself out. You have the rest of your life to do this with the resilience you have already shown.

Thank you for this reply! Reading that brought me comfort, and I think you’re right.

I think deep in my mind I’ve already decided I want to break things off with him, but now I’m in the position of not knowing how. I still love him, but I feel like I need to distance myself from him to really heal and discover myself again. I’m just worried about how he’ll react since I know he’s already extremely depressed with his life situation. I don’t want to make him feel worse, but I also don’t want to be stuck in this position knowing in my head and heart that I need to move on.

I would try couples therapy, but I truly think he would loathe it, so I don’t know if it’s even worth mentioning that to him.

Thank you again for your advice!

Hi @HearZero

Thank you so much for sharing your advice and your own story! I really appreciate you taking the time to post and help me. I also agree with you.

In the first year or so of my relationship with him I was kinda blinded by the thrill of a new relationship and told myself it’d be ok if I was the breadwinner and even if he lived with me in an apartment and didn’t contribute, but after years of thinking like that I’m finding myself change. I got a new job and I’m around the most wonderful, hardworking people who always challenge themselves to grow, and I want to be with someone just like that. I know his depression is hard, but he continually attacks his parents and people who want to genuinely help by simply giving him the advice about getting a job or doing schooling, and he instantly starts swearing at them and shouting. I’ve also been the target of his verbal abuse and I’ve put up with it so much but now I find myself just being done. It’s just tough because I still love him and want him to succeed so badly. I really think I would have been with him for forever if he simply worked hard at something and showed me that he wants to fight for our relationship but he seems to just say these things and not do them.

I think he might be similar to your friends that you mentioned in that he makes excuses but doesn’t change.

I’ve given him 4 years and I’ve changed some much but he still just does delivery apps and doesn’t actually prepare for our future which I’m really opening my eyes to because I’m sure we all can understand how tough it is out there in the world and how expensive it can be.

Thank you again for your advice!

@OhhKay

First and foremost, communication is KEY. It's important to talk to your partner and express your concerns, care, fears and frustration. Make it clear that your intentions are for the betterment of both of your lives. You've already tried to encourage him and offer assistance in finding a job, which is commendable. However, change often takes time, and people may have their reasons for resistance, like fear or anxiety about traditional employment. If he's open to it, suggest he speak with a career counselor or therapist who can help him address these barriers. As for giving an ultimatum, it's a decision you'll have to make based on your feelings and the seriousness of the situation. Sometimes, ultimatums can provide clarity, but they can also lead to resentment and strain on the relationship. It might be worth considering this as a last resort. Ultimately, you have to prioritize your own well-being and future

Hi @patientSky1745!

Thank you for your response! I think I’ll recommend the career counselor to him to see if that could possibly help him overcome anxiety as you mentioned.

I think he just needs to find something that he’s passionate about, and currently he’s been very indecisive so I’m wondering if that can help him narrow things down.

@OhhKay,

you've had a lot of patience and went way and beyond to understand him and help him. At your own expense it seems.

You can't change people, someone can only change himself.

Sometimes you just have to choose you. Like my soon to be ex wife wrote me once "I love you, and I love me too".