Being cheated on changed my life, some support and friends would be nice
Hello! It is a bit scary for me to be vulnerable and share my recent experience but I hope that some good and support comes out of this.
Four months ago my first love and partner of three years cheated on me and abandoned me; never taking accountability for what they did, never gave an explanation, and never answered any of my questions, they just disappeared. They night they cheated they sent me a message (while at the girl's house) saying that they "love me deeply and truly" and that we would "always" be together. The next day they ignored me the entire day while they were at the beach with the girl, they deleted the posts of us together on social media, and was active but ignoring me. He left our three year relationship for someone that he only knew for three days...
It felt like my world fell apart. He is now dating the girl he most recently cheated on me with and is pretending to be super loyal and in love with her. They both are posting and she thinks she is so lucky to have found him and he is playing victim to what happened. It is unbearable seeing them together and seeing him happy after he destroyed my happiness. I blocked him on everything but I cannot help but occasionally stalk on fake accounts.
I found out after we broke up that this more recent betrayal was not the first but the third! He had cheated two times prior with two different girls. I was devastated. It felt like my world completely went upside down. It felt like our entire three year relationship was fake, that our passionate love was fake. I was with him since I was 17, we went to prom together, and we were pretty serious. He was my first kiss even. We planned on getting married, having kids one day (even naming them), and he was even looking for rings were how naively serious we were.
The worst part of it all is that he is gaslighting me, denying when we dated, lied about why we broke up, denying that he cheated, denying that he kissed me, saying we were "on and off," saying I am "crazy," making wild excuses to his new gf about what happened, and having the audacity to tell everyone that I cheated on him! It has been incredibly hard for me to deal with being gaslighted by the only person I have ever loved and still have love for. I have not talked to him since the day he cheated and abandoned me. The last thing he ever told me was that he was "sorry he wasn't good enough."
Also, my self-esteem has taken a major hit after his infidelity. I have always been a confident person but after what happened I found that I do not even like myself. I doubt myself, doubt my appearance, and more. I even find myself trying to bring myself down to be more like the uneducated girl he is with now. I wear more makeup now and even want to change my hair color to that of the girl he is with now. If anyone has any advice for self-esteem rebuilding after infidelity I would be grateful and happy to hear it.
This has been so devastating for me. I've lost an unhealthy amount of weight, cry everyday still, have nightmares, imagine them together, get nauseous thinking about what happened, uncontrollably check both of their socials, have a hard time focusing, have a hard time falling asleep (imaging them together), and cannot stop thinking of him all the time. I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. I recognize that I am dealing with post infidelity stress disorder (PISD) but honestly just need support from others who have, unfortunately, been through a similar experience. I do not understand why it has been so easy for him to "unlove me" and forget our three years together in four months and be with someone new. The thought of being with someone new makes me uncomfortable to this day. I've been in a dark place and making friends might help. If you read this far I appreciate it! Take care please everyone.
@fearless1000
It is devastating and you will go through many feelings.... many of us that were cheated on do.
First it is NOT about you. Not about your looks or hair or makeup.... you are more then enough.
Second by turning it on you .........saying you did things or as a couple you were less serious then you were, It is HIM trying to tell himself he did not do anything wrong ....
The louder and more insistent he is on this........ the more guilt he is trying to excuse himself. from and deflect blame for the actions HE took.
When we have a relationship or other things..and we picture things like future kids and future plans it is hard to turn that OFF. it is hard to picture starting over and meeting a person worthy of you.
So we keep memories of what we thought we wanted going......... through things in our mind about our first kiss or the best times we had .....making it harder to let go.
He left you and he will most likely leave Her too. He was not ready to be serious played the planning game to keep you into him .... but if he moved on so quickly and had cheated before it was a lie.
We can feel gullible to be lied to ... but we are not the reason....
@toughTiger6481
Hello, Tough Tiger! Thank you so much for your response and insights, it is nice to have some understand and not judge. I've been trying to move on from this traumatic events and hasn't been easy, especially with all the gaslighting as you mentioned. I appreciate your kind reminder, sometimes you believe things more coming from others than yourself. Especially when you feel so worthless, when they make you feel so worthless. Like your relationship meant nothing.
@fearless1000 here for you if you need anything
@cupidzheart
Thank you, means a lot to have support!
@fearless1000 of course!
@fearless1000 if i could hug you rn ill do it and not leave till you let go first 🥺
Thank you so much, I could really really really use it tbh 🥺 hasn’t been easy at all months on still
Hey , I have been here to. I was gaslighted several times. I saw video of them in bed two different men . Half naked and I still believed her story. Saw chats still believed her story. I unstill I ended it but she was dramatic and hunted me for 2 months. I had to make all my social media accounts private. If you need someone to talk to am here bcs I need someone.
Hey, I am so sorry you went through something as horrible as this, it’s really traumatic. What she did sounds absolutely disgusting. We are not weak for believing them, shows how good of people we are. I am happy to talk as well, it’s a rough club to be in. At least she is still talking to you, my ex literally disappeared, abandoned me and our relationship of 3 years, and is dating in the new girl, the girl he left me for after knowing her for 3 days. Always here if you need support as well.
If you wanna talk outside this app let me know
@reliableShip3735
Hello, thank you so much for your support. I might take you up on it. Coping with what happened has been really hard.
Oh sweety it’s not about you!!! It’s about him. Thank God you and him aren’t together anymore, imagine being with someone that had already cheated already in the past, how can you trust your kids to someone like that? Nono baby. This hurts me so bad too, I can’t believe how some people can be so mean.
heres my advice:
- eliminate anger: I know it’s difficult to forgive someone, but it’s for the best. Maturing is understand that there’s things out of our control, so we can’t let those affect us. I know it’s very difficult to forget a 3 year relationship, but may I ask you, is it worth the rest of years ahead of you?
- prioritize yourself: you go before anything. Your goals, your dreams, your carrier, everything. Work on yourself, for now you don’t need anyone to be happy only yourself. We are born alone and die alone, never forget. Treat yourself right, don’t let someone else’s stupidity define you! You have so much worth, now is your time to truly shine. Go to the gym, write, be disciplined, study, GROW!!!
- practice positive talking: I know it may sound weird, but tell yourself everyday on the mirror something nice. The brain acts toward our thoughts. You think you are pretty? Then you are. You doubt about your appearance? Then you are ugly and nobody wants you (women, we are dramatic). Your brain believes anything you tell it. Important: How you perceive yourself is how others will perceive you, why? Because you act towards your thoughts. Why did you think you lost some weight?
you are not alone honey, I hope this helps 🙏❤️
@nat73632
Hello! Thank you so much for your kind message and compassion; it was just what I needed today. Your advice is really good.
You are so right when you say that "we are born alone and die alone." I never thought about that, but it is so true.
Yes, I definitely do not want to spend the rest of my life crying over a loser cheating ex-bf - again, another helpful question that helped put things in perspective for me.
I've lost a lot of weight, and I am already quite thin, so it is not healthy or good for me. I've lost weight because ever since he broke up and abandoned me, I felt so down and depressed to the point where I would get so nauseous I would not be able to eat or hungry. My eating has gotten a bit better, but every time I think of my ex and his new gf, I can't eat; it disgusts me too much. To be honest, right when he cheated and left our 3-year relationship for someone he knew for 3 days, I wanted to literally disappear. I don't have those awful thoughts anymore, but I am still recovering from all that has happened.
Thank you for your kindness and love. It means the world to me right now.
