Walking away from old friends and fear of making new
A few months ago I walked away from an online friend for a second time. I did this at a very difficult time for her that I am not comfortable discussing openly on a forum, but being in contact with her during this time was giving me nightmares of the same traumas happening to me every night, and for a decent portion of each day. It had gotten to the point where I wasn't able to think of anything but how bad her trauma was, and how nothing I was able to do or say did anything but make her more upset. After having discussed what was going on between us with my sister and another friend who also knew the situation, I was convinced to walk away from her.
I told her only that I "needed silence for my mental health", which was true. But I frequently feel bad for being unable to tell her that she was/is one of many direct causes for my poor mental state. It felt wrong to me to tell her that as hard as I was trying to be supportive of her that my support was causing me pain. I felt then, as I still do now, that my anxiety over her trauma is not as "large" as her trauma, and that ghosting her was the wrong way to go. Unfortunately it was the only way to go, because I very much cannot bring myself to tell her, with her current mental state likely far worse than my own, that she cannot change or make up for the things she does that I can no longer handle.
I have been told time and again that our relationship is toxic, but we were very close, and although I feel much better not having to navigate what felt like a floor covered in shattered glass just to have a decent conversation with her, much less one that comes out with both of us feeling happy and energetic, I still find myself both missing her and feeling very guilty for leaving her for my own health.
-Spirits
@SeptemberSpirits
I preface this by saying that I'm sorry if I missed anything in your intial post or read you incorrectly!
That sounds like a very difficult situation. You're not alone. I'm currently working on coping with a lost relationship myself right now and boundary setting was a big issue.
Were boundaries clearly defined? It sounds a lot like your comfort zones were crossed. Communication can solve this issue (unless you feel that it's too late; I'm not the judge of this), but sometimes isn't very easy to do like you mentioned-- especially if you're trying to avoid hurting someone who is already in a bad place mentally.
You're able to gauge (or a therapist) better than I on whether or not she's emotionally ready for a conversation like that (if even interested in repairing). Maybe there's a listener who is more qualified to guide you in that if you're afraid of expressing something so serious in a way that wont hurt her.
If you say that you can't properly support her due to your own mental state-- she should understand that. If she cannot, she isn't considering your emotional health. That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love you, but it does confirm her toxicity. Toxic people aren't always bad people, but they sometimes need help elsewhere (different outlets, people who are comfortable with helping, therapy, etc) and to be loved from afar. That's not your duty or fault.
Sometimes there's not much you can do. If you have to cut off the relationship to work on your own health, that's just what you need to do. It's not selfish. Some people just need to find other ways of helping themselves while you spend more time with other people who keep your social life healthy. That's never your fault or something to feel guilty for. Caring for yourself, especially when you need it most, is not selfish.
It isn't fair to you compare your traumas to hers. Try not to beat yourself up about it (easier said than done, I know). Your feelings are valid in this situation. I don't believe it to be ghosting if you're taking a break for your own mental health-- especially if you communicated with her that detail. Your mental health is just as valid and you are loved.
It's hard to establish new friendships-- something I have trouble with too. I'm not sure I have much advice in that field. There are plenty of people here to listen though, and help.
I'd suggest taking my feedback with a grain of salt-- because I could be projecting too much from my own past relationship experiences and how I often seek to repair them with communication. Others may offer better suggestions for your situation or even offer some criticism to my post to better suit your scenario.
I hope you're able to find fullfilling uplifting friendships-- and your friend, even if no longer with you, can improve her health with help (I believe you'd wish this too, anyway).
@FleetingBardSong
Thank you so much for the reply. Everything was pretty spot on. Throughout our entire relationship from teenagers on, even when we were dating, she was always unable to respect the boundries I felt like I had set, and would become unhappy with me for trying to re-explain myself.
I told her I was uncomfortable with kissing, touching, and that I couldn't sleep in the same bed with her, and she became pointedly distant for hours afterward until we were able to find that she was interested enough in doing to cover up her disappointment (I didn't know about asexuality at the time, or I would have told her beforehand that such things were off the table in our relationship). Even after I did learn about it, many of our conversations and stories written together were filled with sex scenes that she initiated.
She would tell me that she would "Be right online!" and then hours later she would come around going "Ehehehe oops I took a nap, sorry! I'm here so come back now!"
When I would need support over family irritating me, she would listen, only to promptly one up me with all the bad things happening to her. I still love her very much, and I want her to get help and be able to heal from the issue that ended up driving me to my breaking point... But I'm not entirely certain I can let her in again. Twice she drove me to blocking her everywhere (once shortly after breaking up because of how she continued to act as though she should be the one in control of my schedule, despite us not living in the same state and everything being online).
I tell myself over and over that she has a large support net and will be fine even without me, because I'm not sure that I would be fine if I went back to talking to her again soon.
She's already ignored my asking her for silence by sending emails every few weeks, and gifts in the mail (which is another thing she does, spends money on me when I start drifting away to get me to come back and shower her with my attention). I just can't keep up with that kind of relationship anymore and hope the best for her in her future. It's taken all I had to just step away from her even for a few months, and she still haunts my nightmares, so I feel I may never be able to be close with her again
@SeptemberSpirits
You're very welcome. I'm happy that I'm able to help a bit.
Yes, in this situation she absolutely needs to be cut-off from you without contact for your own health, unfortunately. I don't like making definitive statements like that, but I personally think that's far past your boundaries in any reasonable sense. You defined them very clearly by the sounds of things, yet she invaded them.
It sounds like she's used a lot of abuse tactics on you such as possible stonewalling and gift bombing to control and withhold your attention. Trying to control of your schedule (or attempting to) is incredibly abusive no matter what her traumas and emotional history may be.
I think your friends are right about discontinuing a relationship like that. I think there's nothing else you can do for her in this situation. Even staying with her, it's likely she would to continue engaging in abusive behavior. I think it would only worsen her condition. Hopefully someone close to her can encourage her to get professional help (and that she can accept/want it) so she can recognize her toxic behaviors.
It's a very difficult thing to cope with, breaking off a relationship with someone you love. I can relate. There's so many mixed feelings involved and confusion I'd imagine. It's alright to love her from afar as long as you remember to love yourself and that it's best to protect your own health. Even if you always feel the need to help, you can only sacrifice so much of your time until it grates too much into your own health.
You've helped the best you could have, and sacrificed so much as it is. In many instances she took too much advantage of you. You have nothing at all to feel guilty for.
The nightmares should fade over time-- mine have from my relationships, but others still persist. Sometimes coming to terms with some thoughts helps. For everyone, and every situation, it's different. Sometimes talking to the person to solve problems will resolve nightmares, but I don't think that would be possible in this case.
I hope you can take the time you need to heal from her actions. A good support group can help for sure.
@FleetingBardSong
A big part of why I stopped talking to her in the first place was that she was flat out refusing to get help, repeatedly stating that she didn't need/want it (while still constantly unloading her current traumas to me). She even had a (free) therapist ready and waiting for her that she was refusing, medicine that she was either refusing to take or potentially improperly taking (having never been given anti-depressants, I don't know the ways and times they are perscribed to be taken, so this could be overreach and overraction on my part) while I was still in a place where I couldn't even admit to the people who could help me to get help that I needed it.
That was part of why I've finally found this place to start talking about some of these things I keep in, from watching her rejecting the things I was desperately wishing I had access to.
But that also brings me down to only one friend left, from having only had two, and having not attempted to try and make friends since a handful of failed attempts at online dating left me feeling like I was unworthy of a significant other or new friends who wouldn't scoff at me for my seemingly unlimited list of anxieties and inabilities.
I'm hoping to see a therapist soon, and maybe get some form of diagnosis rather than just thinking to myself "Well I think I have anxiety, depression, and that one teacher told me I had ADHD one time so that could be an issue" and so on.
Thank you again for coming back and talking to me, even though my anxiety is still through the roof (and my recent blood sugar test proved it to me), positive interactions like these help me feel more at ease and more willing to reply to posts as well as posting myself. If you ever find yourself needing to talk about something, even now, I would like to do what I can.
@SeptemberSpirits
It's a very unfortunate thing, but we cannot help those who don't want help. They have to come to the want of that need themselves-- whether it be from multiple sources of encouragement or environmental changes, but one person can't make another want help. It's understandably sad to watch, but seeing a person choose to stagnate who's hurting us is definitely a good reason to end a relationship.
I myself have isolated from close friendships, so when I lose one entirely, it hits hard. I imagine that has a big impact on how you're feeling too? You're worth it to have friendships and relationships, even if it takes a few tries. Failed ones don't diminish your worth. They just didn't work out. It certainly doesn't make it easy though.
I hope you can get a therapist too-- getting diagnoses can really help, and they can tailor programs specifically to your healing process (I'd imagine you know that though).
You're very welcome! Positive interactions really do help a lot. I find myself knowing things logically, but will have trouble internalizing their truth in a sense of feeling (if that makes anysense). Especially if doubt sets in. Hearing from other people to drive points home, or hearing new ideas I didn't think of helps quite a lot. That's exactly what these places are for.
Thank you for the kind offer! I'm sure I'll be around here and there. My mood shifts a good amount with this year being what it is.
@FleetingBardSong
Yes, exactly it yet again.
Failing with a friendship (twice with her, as I let her back in after a failed romantic relationship years earler) when I already have so few-- literally just her, and another online friend (who helps me to this day to overcome my anxieties. I feel so bad about what the pandemic is doing to him, I never wanted him to understand my anxiety and panic attacks, but because of it now he does). I tried a handful of dating sites at a time, and failed to make connections there as well, so while my profiles are still up and gaining no attention, I'm not making effort either. When I don't feel like I'm worth the attention, I won't be able to recieve it properly or give it in a way that is what someone deserves.
I know all about having a logical thought and just not being able to process it over my head screaming all the things that could go wrong. It's nearly a daily battle at this point. To the point where I literally have no energy to even properly clean the house that desperately needs cleaning, much less to care for myself. I was hoping that by coming on here and sharing my worries I'd be able to get a bit more off my chest and replace it with energy and drive to do the things I need to do and the things I want to do. Even with one evening it's already made me feel a great deal better. So I'm very much hoping to be a little productive around the house tomorrow.
Another time thank you so much, and I'll see you around (of course feel free to continue the conversation if there's more you want to say)
