He's Pushing Me Away.

@Amise22

I understand. In all honesty I'd give myself the same advice. It's truly what is the best interest in the both of us.

I'm just really scared of him never coming back. I've seen him push people away before, peoplr he loves and then however much he wants them back he feels like it's not right, he feels scared to return, to talk to them at all.

It drives him crazy. I want to give him atonomy, I want him to have his space and reach out to me when he needs me. I just don't think he will. I'm afraid of one day getting a call that he's dead somewhere and if I was more persistent I could've helped him.

@freshLight64

Hey, I'm sorry for the late response. I lost this thread as I don't really know my way around the site and was onl able to recover it today. Thanks a lot for the effort you put answering.
I'm very conflicted on all the things you warned me about. I see your point entirely and its things that other people have told me as well.
A friend of mine that used to be friends with him: "He's a good guy, unlike all of the other friends I had in that group he never really did anything to cause drama or to fuck me over, his ideas were sometimes extreme but I give it to him that they were at least well thought and researched." I always brushed his extreme ideas off as just him being an overly intelligent person, to the point where his ideas oppose the ones typically presented by society. This day I have actually grown to understand his ideas and maybe adopt some of my own. While many will call this 'corruption', I call it enlightment. Peeking into his mind has guided me to think differently, adopt a more realistic approach. And I appreciate that a lot. It's also comforting how he never really wants to hurt anybody, he was never cruel or caused any drama because he was bored, he is so genuine to everybody, I've always valued this.

The same friend while talking to my boyfriend: "I'm worried about her. I know he's her best friend but if he literally causes her panic attacks and brings her down with him, I just hope it doesn't affect her own mental health. It takes baggage to be his best friend." I also always brushed that off as people not really knowing what our relationship is like. I understand him really, and he's not bringing me down, that's the last thing he wants to do. Causing the panic attack was something he never wanted and hated himself for for a really wrong time. I know that, because a few days ago (I'll catch you up on everything later.) I had another one and we were actually together and I saw how genuinely disgusted he was with himself for causing it. He beat himself over it for a while and brought up the other time as well, I saw how genuinely he cared about my health and well being.
Other friends often gave me the advice: "Help him as much as you can but know when to walk away so you don't hurt yourself." I now know I'm well past the point where I should've walked away. But I can't. He's my best friend. He's brought so much into my life that I simply cannot give up. I literally can't live without him. I really wish I was heartless and not attached to him, but I can't. Staying away from him is simply just hurting myself. He's the person I'd run away with if I had the chance, no matter how much I love anybody else. It really does feel like the best turn of my life and I've discussed this with him countless times. If we could just run away, no school, no parents, no mindless shallow drama, nothing. Just a trip with the only person that understands me.

I feel like I owe to you to catch you up on what has happened since.
A lot of things are a bit fuzzy, due to how fast everything happened.
We didn't really take a long break like I was freaking out we would. I don't remember exactly how we went back to talking but I think he said that he kind of took a walk and cleared his mind and how much he hates himself for everything and we just talked and soon we were back to normal. We even arranged to meet somedays later but he was kind of hesitant, saying he'll be boring and it could ruin us and having felt likewise I didn't wanna force him into it so we cancelled it.
Few days later school started and having been late for class I didn't really get a chance to talk to him before class, I wasn't sure if we were on talking terms or not, even if we had talked before and spent some very wholesome days after the whole situation.

During first break of the first day a girl from m friend group confessed to us that she and her dad got into a motorcycling accident together and he died a few days before that.

Now that's a whole chapter on its own, an emotionally traumatizing experience for me that I'd rather not get into, to stay in topic with the thread.
During the break everybody cried together from my group and we stayed together and comforted each other, but I didn't let anything out. I went to my teacher and asked for some time to stay with her and when everybody had to leave I made my way towards class.
Then I just didn't go in. I knew I was holding something in but I couldn't let any of my friends see because we had to be there for our friend, I didn't wanna be the victim, I needed to be strong for her.
So I texted him, and he came to meet me.
I absolutely and shamelessly broke down sobbing and he stayed there comfoting me. The whole situation was emotionally draining, and having let that out helped me a lot once I had calmed down. We stayed there for a while talking about life and death and filling him in all the details and it was generally the most therapeutic experience I really needed.
And as much as I hate to admit it it was probably what broke the barrier of not talking, because I don't know what other excuse we would've found to not be awkward around each other. We then had a free period which we spent together, hanging out and unwinding. We were then at the point of 'casually hanging out', and it was just a lot of fun, even with such circumstances. He made sure to check in and ask me if I'm okay still, if my friend is and all such, and I just appreciate how much he stood by me that day. We just ended up sitting in class together calmly and everything felt in place.
For the following days in school everything seemed to be going perfectly. We sat together in class and finally the problem with feeling lonely and hating how school was, was getting fixed. We both enjoyed school in each other's company and we felt so wholesome and amazing all the time. On the last Friday of official days at school (schools here close officially a week before they're supposed to, and during the last week the only people who show up are just people who missed a lot of school and can't take the days off or people who just need some help. I had to go two more days because of tests I needed to take, the next Monday and Tuesday.) we had an absolute blast. We had all periods of the day together so we just went class after class and played around a lot, the feeling I got was just unbearably amazing. It went from doing stupid shit and drawing on each other to just talking and getting deep. Towards the end of the day we just started a really deep convo about how perfect everything felt and how much we exceeded our expectations and how surreal the fact that we were hanging out was. It was then that he told me that he decided to quit drugs completely and cut off from the friend that was giving them to him. He had previously (especially recently) made attempts and he was somewhat staying clean or trying to change up his patterns, but he still felt the need to take something. But he honestly told me then that he's meeting up with the guy to pay the last of the money he owed him and he's not gonna talk with him at all during the summer. He told me hes determined to change and now this feeling of happiness motivated him to do so as well. He also shared his motivation to try for school, and how horrible he felt for never trying before, letting the whole year go to waste because of his carelessness. I told him I'd help him and we arranged to meet on Sunday to try studying for a bit.

I was so happy about this and we shared a beautiful moment together and I just couldn't pinpoint it, everything felt so pure and meaningful. The last period we just ended up playing with a mini baloon and having fun since the teacher wasn't really doing class and we then agreed to go on the last week as well, since neither of us wanted to let this go just yet.

But reality caught up with us and we realised how close exams were. Him, having not cared one bit during the year, needed to work in order not to have to retake the exam at the end of June, and losing half his summer. So on Sunday we sat down and tried our best to study. It generally went pretty well and we took a break to go eat and came back.
Upon coming back he seemed a bit weird, so I asked him what was wrong. He took a bit but eventually he just admitted to how he felt like he didn't deserve this and nothing made sense and I could be using this time doing something of my own, and how see even at that moment he's just there whining instead of doing something more productive and just a bunch of nonesense bullshit that I didn't even hold because I just couldn't. He was crying and I just hugged him tried to comfort him by telling him how much he meant to me and how much he changed me and I shared with him something that he helped me figure out - my perspective of the world. I'd rather not share it here because of how personal it is, but it just got me really emotional and upon hearing it he just saw how much sense everything felt and we both just sort of cried there in happiness and peace and we just forgot about reality and about studying and about parents and just shared one of the most beautiful moments we ever could. We couldn't stop this feeling and we instead just went back, I played some guitar which I was always so insecure to do and it got late when we snapped out of it, so he left in a hurry becuase my parents would be pissed.

It was in all honesty the best feeling I've ever had. I would kill to return to it. Even right now it's hard to return to the story, remembering what that feeling felt like. I love him so much. It's hard to understand.

So on Monday (last monday) we both went to school as agreed. We went to class normally but still spent a lot of time outside of school hanging out. We played around with water baloons and did stupid ass shit with other friends, generally didn't leave each other's company and had a lot of fun. On Tuesday it was the same, and we decided to just leave school and go back to my house to try and study some more, which we did. We didn't really talk that much for the rest of the day because busy but at some point he sent me a screenshot of our conversation for another reason and well. I noticed that I was muted.

Now I understand how this wasn't a big of a deal. It could be all sorts of reasons other than 'Oh he hates me' which was the mindset I jumped into. Problem is I'm so insecure and my stupid ass mind didn't think to confront it immidiately so I let it get to my head.
I just texted a simple "Hey if you like yknow for any reason find me annoying then the best thing you can do is yknow let me know"
I then left and just stayed isolated several hours and overthought it to the point that it made so much sense. I realised even if he just didn't like me then he still wouldn't have an escape route to get rid of me and it was just a pool of 'What if' of irrational thinking.

When he finally answered I was too far gone. He was so confused because I wouldn't tell him what exactly made me think this way, thinking that with one wrong move he wouldn't be able to escape if he wanted to, or on the other hand he'd blame himself for everything and hate on himself for letting me go that far. In the end he told me he was crying and he hated this and he was sorry for fucking up and just a big mess so I made him promise to say the truth and agreed to tell him then. It took hours to type my insecurities out and he stayed awake until I had sent him the message and then disappeared (I later found out that he just fell asleep, he generally can't control it and he hated himself for it as well). I just ended up dreadful and worried to hear his response, so the next morning I went to school and sat where we were supposed to meet and waited.
I thought he wouldn't come but he came.

When I saw him immidiately I let tears flow and we just went elsewhere to be away from the crowds and let this roam us freely. He showed me how all of his conversations were muted and it didn't take long to convince me that my insecurities were false. We didn't let it go however, because of how out of proportion if blew. He tried to find why it got so big of an idea in my head and why it got to the point of no return, to the point where it surpassed all the other moments we ever had together and it just got really horrible. He blamed himself and how he's so bad at appreciating everything and how he knew how generally insecure I was but never made a move to prevent it. And then he said about all the suicidal thoughts that came into his mind the day before thinking he had fucked up something and lost me for it. And that moment hearing that I went into a panic attack.

I'm not sure wether I mentioned that before but I've had panic attacks for as long as I can remember so reacting this way to anything generally is normal to me. He got really worried seeing the affect it had on me and just tried his best to comfort me and calm me down. Once I was calm he apologised and said about how much he could've caused me and I could've had a seizure and how this is the 2nd time hes done this (first being the one day I thought he was going to kill himself, not sure wether I mentioned it before). We just sat there for a while and eventually concluded to just letting it go, even though we didn't reallt come to a mind blowing solution like we usually do. We ended up leaving school so we wouldn't get questioned on why we were just sat somewhere crying. We found a bench somewhere and sat and soon enough we just overcame it in a way. We grabbed the notes i had written and he drew a doggo while we listed all the dog breeds we'd wanna adopt if we ever got an appartment together upon running away and then we just discussed plans on life and the whole bunch, ended up just feeling wholesome and all was forgotten.

We went back to school and still didn't go to any of the classes, instead just sort of sat there for a bit and my boyfriend and some other friends joined us for a bit before leaving. In the end we spent sum time playing guitar in the music room and having fun that way and ended up listening to music and the whole bunch. It was great. We just chilled from spot to spot around school for the rest of the day until it was the end of school and we had to take a bus and go home. After that we both felt wholesome and we just ended up calling at night and talking for hours. And on Thursday we did the same as well, just called and talked endlessly.

On Friday we both made an effort to study and it was going pretty well up until we both got distracted. I said that We should call and try and motivate each other to go back to studying. Problem with normal call though (we usually do discord calls) is that its kind of very hard to understand each other and it gets frustrating to him a lot, and to me about the fact that he can't hear me. So I mentioned about how something was bothering me, with no intention of really sharing, just a heads up in case I sounded off during the call. I said I didn't really wanna talk about it because it would take time from his studying. He said he wouldn't care about it more than caring that I'm okay. I tried to spit it out but I got a bit stressed and sat down to take a few breaths so I wouldn't break down. He imidiately started blaming himself for the stress and I asked if we could talk about it at home instead and he just was so upset and said he feels weird and if we can talk later. I said okay.

When I went home me and my parents fought really really bad and it was the pint when i thought nobody else would understand. I really wanted to talk to him about it but I also wanted to give him space like many people in here said i should when he asks for it.
So instead I just wrote down how much I wanted to run away. Cuz if we did not only would we both get away from our parents and everything in our lives that restricts us, but we wouldn't have problems either, we'd be able to figure everything out on the spot, without getting lost in our thoughts like we do now. I then sent him some videos of a dog we both held dear in and sent in situations of stress.

After that he answered a bit later looking at the dogs and I happened to be online so I just said sorry and asked how he was doing. He said sorry, wannna be left alone and logged off again. I understood and he was off. later during the night i kept sending dog vids and pics that i found hopefully to make him feel better and generally cuz its a thing that we do.

Later at about 3am he texted back about how he too wishes we could just run away, from everything, all the unpleasant memories, all the people that ruin our lives, everything. He said about how he doesn't belong anywhere and how I'm all that matters. I woke up and saw the texts as he was saying about how I'm the best friend anybody could ask for, and how he actually is starting to enjoy life and he never had this before but still, here he is, letting all his opportunities slip right in the trash. I mentioned how at home it feels with him, how I don't feel like I belong here either and how running away is the only option in order to actually be able to be each other's home, rather than just feel like we are. He agreed with me, said how much of an asshole he can be to everybody, how much that asshole self ruins his life and all his relationship, and how much that asshole self doesnt have a place in our friendship, because its real and honest and genuine. He then said he doesn't know if I should trust him anymore like I do and if only I could see life from his eyes. We then got deep and started discussing another perspective we have, tried to explain it the way we view it. When I figured my thoughts out and asked him if they made sense he said how would he know when he doesn't know why hes here to begin with. He said he needs to properly cry it out and left, but came back 5 minutes later to send me a song that remids him of me, that just talked about how one person brought light in the dark and how life cant be lived and on a lyric saying about thinking about the good times he sent a video of that one sunday we spent together that he took when we met. It felt beautiful and I was glad he was back to his self. At some point he fell asleep and the next morning (yesterday) everything felt fine again.

That morning though I had a fight with my boyfriend and it was probably the worst one, it really felt like we were about to break up and I really needed insight from him about how to answer. It was a bunch of overwhelming shit and he told me he was busy earlier but i really needed to talk so i just texted him if he could call me hoped he saw it. When he did he did call me and I was just crying on the phone trying to talk but I was just not understandable from his phone and everyhting i said got lost and I felt horrible and he did to and I just said hung up and we can text. It seemed like everything was okay.

When he went home and could see the messages he just told me to get a better friend and that he sucks too much and cant help with anythig cuz he sucks and he logged off again, said he needed to stay alone.

I just kind of swarmed there for a bit, I didn't know how to handle the situation without his insight and I really needed to, so in the end I too just sort of disappeared until my boyfriend called me to try and fix things. In the end we kind of figured it out, so no need to go into detail.

My friend however still doesnt talk. I sent a lot of pictures since hoping to cheer him up enough for him to know that I'm okay but he just answered late at night last night that he might need some time of isolation and hes stressing so much and everything is so messed up and he hates his life so much. I sent him a really long text to tell him i love him and to take his time and that everything is okay, and he hasn't answered.

So this is everything that has happened up to this point. If you wanna maybe text me about it please send me a message, I'd love to see your insight on this. Thanks for reading.