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He's Pushing Me Away.

andyfalls April 26th, 2019

My best friend of 6 months, is depressed and pushing me away. Usually he would tell me everything and we would either figure it out or he'd get upset and leave for a while.

Sometime during christmas though, he deleted his messenger and we only talked through texts and discord, and even those were somewhat rare, despite the fact that we'd been talking every day since September. It was a horrible time for the both of us and I later found out that he didn't talk to any of his other friends at all, it was just me. He only redownloaded messenger and we started talking normally again about a month ago.

However, we got into a small disagreement about two days ago and it freaked me out a lot and while i was asleep he answered about how much what I had said bothered him and he was a bit mean about it but I got his point.

I answered yesterday morning with a load of texts saying sorry and feeling anxious about it. He told me he can't answer as he feels to powerless. After a bit of him trying to comfort me he asked if we can talk today instead. I said okay.

This morning we talked again normally but again he started saying how he doesnt know what his life is and just stressing with depressive thoughts and then he asked if I we could talk after some time.

I'm desperate not to lose him again, I tried asking him if he could please not push me away and now I'm just worried hes gonna go back into isolstion and I will have no way to help him, while I as his best friend want him here.

26
Amise22 April 26th, 2019

@andyfalls

It sounds like you have a really good heart! You are loving and kind, remember that! So look out for yourself, please!

You cannot take responsibility for your friends' actions. He is still his own person and he has his own choices to make. My experience is that depression comes with a lack of feeling autonomous. Everything in life seems to just happen to you and you don't have any control. I am not sure if that's true in this case, but if it could be, give him back some autonomy.

My advice: give him space. Tell him that he can come to you whenever he needs to, but that it is his decision. This way, he will feel supported because you're there for him and it also gives him space and time to think. And he might regain some feeling of control in his life.

Remember most of all: don't do anything because someone said so. You have a good heart, so listen to whatever speaks to you. Trust your gut and do what you think is right.

10 replies
andyfalls OP April 26th, 2019

@Amise22

I understand. In all honesty I'd give myself the same advice. It's truly what is the best interest in the both of us.

I'm just really scared of him never coming back. I've seen him push people away before, peoplr he loves and then however much he wants them back he feels like it's not right, he feels scared to return, to talk to them at all.

It drives him crazy. I want to give him atonomy, I want him to have his space and reach out to me when he needs me. I just don't think he will. I'm afraid of one day getting a call that he's dead somewhere and if I was more persistent I could've helped him.

9 replies
Amise22 April 26th, 2019

@andyfalls

It's scary. It really is.

What do you want to do?

8 replies
andyfalls OP April 26th, 2019

@Amise22

I wanna be there for him. I want him in my life, as selfish as it sounds. I want us to keep being friends, getting closer and closer. I can't desl eith him pushing me away, it's ruining me.

7 replies
KarenWamasali April 26th, 2019

@andyfalls I understand how you feel. But you have to realize its not fully about you, if he really cares, he will make his way back to you. But for now you may have to just respect his space

6 replies
andyfalls OP April 26th, 2019

@KarenWamasali

I know, I'm trying. I'm happy he's trying to look out for himself. I just need him in my life, I can't say I'm fine this way.

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freshLight64 April 26th, 2019

@andyfalls

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My best friend of 6 months, is depressed and pushing me away. (I have seen how people who go through depression tend to isolate themeselves) Usually he would tell me everything and we would either figure it out or he'd get upset and leave for a while. (The "he'd get upset and leave for awhile" doesn't come across as healthy unless he suggested a few days where both sides calm down.)

I answered yesterday morning with a load of texts saying sorry and feeling anxious about it. (I can understand why you would feel anxious and scared specially when reading those texts triggered something inside of you) He told me he can't answer as he feels to powerless. After a bit of him trying to comfort me he asked if we can talk today instead. I said okay.

This morning we talked again normally but again he started saying how he doesnt know what his life is and just stressing with depressive thoughts and then he asked if I we could talk after some time. (He is saying half the truth here, theres more he didn't say. I think he is feeling the closeness when it came to comforting you and being there, so often he will want to disappear to feel comfortable while being away)

I'm desperate not to lose him again, (I can you felt very worried and anxious. You fear abandonment, so this makes you feel a lot of overwhelming emotions) I tried asking him if he could please not push me away (I understand you don't want him to push you away, it hurts, but you also have to think about how he feels as well) and now I'm just worried hes gonna go back into isolstion and I will have no way to help him, ( I feel you could be trying too hard to help and want to be there so much to the point this will actually push him away. Its very important to know when he is receptive about being helped or not because this can make him feel overhwelmed if you try to help him when he is pushing you away) while I as his best friend want him here.

He was the new kid in my class at the start of the year and noticing a band shirt i wore he texted me about it. After that over the weekend we texted all the time and pretty much shared our life stories immediately. (The over-sharing of each other lifes stories immediately happened way too fast. This shows you both have unmet needs, and are looking to connect and feel accepted badly) I found out that he has had several suicide attempts and life has been horrible to him, his girlfriend of 3 years cheated on him with his best friend and his parents abused him from time to time, (Its very unfortunate he has gone through a lot of things, he didn't deserve to go through this. The way his parents abused him from time to time will affect the way he handles friendships, relationship and things in life. This also means he will have trust issues and other issues related to this) he has been involved in drugs and a lot of his friendships were ruined.

None of this looked present in his life anymore, he didn't seem too affected by sharing those thoughts. (He probably pushed them to the back of his mind, and has not dealt with any of them)

On March 21st he told me that he wouldn't make it to my party and then stressed over why he's being this way, why is his life horrible and why can't we just be normal. (I could see why you would feel disappointed about this since you were looking forward to seeing him on your birthday, but he is coming across as dismissve and making it all about how he feels. I understand depression is overwhelming and scary, but at this point he is using excuses to not go) I confessed to him that I was ready to talk to him in real life. He wasn't. He didn't answer for the rest of the night. (He pretty much stonewall you here, this shows how immature he is)

March 22nd he didn't wish me happy birthday. He didn't aknowledge me and he spent all day in class ignoring everybody abd sleeping. (This definetly sounds hurtful, it wasn't fair on you he behave this way. He is showing you how he would ignore and leave others when he is depressed or mad while not having any consideration for how they feel. He is the kind of person you can't have a healthy friendship because things will be more inconsistent, and your anxiety will often get triggered because of this)

I found that to be inconsiderate, so once the night was over I told him. (It definetly was inconsiderate of him and i see why you would confront him, but remember he will always keep you at a distance) He was mad that I prioritized a stupid wish over his mental health and I felt horrible for my mistake. (He is being dismissive of how you feel and what you wanted while being focus on how he feels. He is showing you his true self here, people show you how much they care about you through their actions)

I shared with him my thoughts and he shared his, we apologised ti each other and we were okay again. (Things are never okay with him after a disagreement because he will always push things under the rug and then things will stay unsolved for ages) The next day at school he found me and gave me a present, we had a short interaction and it was beautiful and wholesome. We felt at peace and he told me he was ready to talk to me as well. (I would have make him work extremely hard to earn me back as a friend after the behavior he showed because he will do the same thing again if you let him back easily)

That weekend we went to a concert. Both with our seperate friends but we still met up and talked for a bit, we were comfortable and while we didn't spend hours together, we at least talked and it was the best thing in the world. (I get the feeling you are happy with whatever he gives you aslong as he stays in your life)

After the concert we both felt amazing and spent hours talking to each other until 6am over text and it was the first time we had done that since before he isolated himself. (Im glad you felt amazing about this, but i promise you he will back away each time you two have this kind of long conversations because it bring closeness and you probably may have been putting more into the conversation than him)

I was complaining about how in school life is horrible. (Understandable, it seems like they were a lot of things you felt uncomfortable about school life) Because sure I have my friends at breaks but I don't really have friends in class, I felt lonely and hated and it was draining. (This one of the worst feelings to go through, it feels so overwhelming and then it drains you which lead to feeling unmotivated about doing things)

He just started pointing out all the good aspects of my life and how I should be grateful and such and that I'm brinh selfish because it could be so much worse.(This shows he has zero empathy, understanding and lacks communication skills. You were feeling awful about things and needing his support, instead he made you feel even worst about your situation by calling you "selfish". You are not selfish at all, you were only expressing how you felt.)

Then he went on a rant saying if i want to be like him, failing and sleeping all day in class, liked but not really close to anybody and just hating his life all the time. (He made the conversation all about him...) I don't remember too much, it was all a blur. He told me today that while that day is connceted to why he feels like shit, it's not the reason and he just let his anger loose

Now.

Two days ago, we disagreed on something.

He shared his view, he got upset and I saw what he meant and apologised. I however was so fearful of losing him, (Be careful with this...I understand how scary it can be, but this will make you say and do anything it takes to pull him closer while ignoring how he feels) and a lot of shit in my life was stressing me out so I broke down. I told him that I did. He hates himself. He called himself selfish and a dick and no matter my efforts to let him knoe how much he means to me and how I understand him, he days he feels lost and he doesn't matter to anybody. (He definetly needs to seek therapy because any effort you put in helping him or in what to say will drain after some point because of stuck he is in the mindset of "i hate myself, im selfish and i don't matter to anyone)

I understand it might not take him long to be back to his normal self but I can't help but feel scared that this is final.(its normal to feel scared after how he did this before, but he is the type of person who just can't give you what you are looking for. I encourage you to read several times the warnings i have written because he isn't a good person for you)

Yesterday he asked me if we could talk today instead.

Today he asked me if we could talk after a while. (Look at this...he first tell you to talk in a day and then he changes his mind at the last minute without thinking how it makes you feel and it shows how he only care about how he feels. You can't have people like this in your life, they will come and go as they please without caring about how you feel. I feel like you are projecting unmet needs on him, and in a way wanting him to give you what your family didnt)

2 replies
andyfalls OP May 19th, 2019

@freshLight64

Hey, I'm sorry for the late response. I lost this thread as I don't really know my way around the site and was onl able to recover it today. Thanks a lot for the effort you put answering.
I'm very conflicted on all the things you warned me about. I see your point entirely and its things that other people have told me as well.
A friend of mine that used to be friends with him: "He's a good guy, unlike all of the other friends I had in that group he never really did anything to cause drama or to fuck me over, his ideas were sometimes extreme but I give it to him that they were at least well thought and researched." I always brushed his extreme ideas off as just him being an overly intelligent person, to the point where his ideas oppose the ones typically presented by society. This day I have actually grown to understand his ideas and maybe adopt some of my own. While many will call this 'corruption', I call it enlightment. Peeking into his mind has guided me to think differently, adopt a more realistic approach. And I appreciate that a lot. It's also comforting how he never really wants to hurt anybody, he was never cruel or caused any drama because he was bored, he is so genuine to everybody, I've always valued this.

The same friend while talking to my boyfriend: "I'm worried about her. I know he's her best friend but if he literally causes her panic attacks and brings her down with him, I just hope it doesn't affect her own mental health. It takes baggage to be his best friend." I also always brushed that off as people not really knowing what our relationship is like. I understand him really, and he's not bringing me down, that's the last thing he wants to do. Causing the panic attack was something he never wanted and hated himself for for a really wrong time. I know that, because a few days ago (I'll catch you up on everything later.) I had another one and we were actually together and I saw how genuinely disgusted he was with himself for causing it. He beat himself over it for a while and brought up the other time as well, I saw how genuinely he cared about my health and well being.
Other friends often gave me the advice: "Help him as much as you can but know when to walk away so you don't hurt yourself." I now know I'm well past the point where I should've walked away. But I can't. He's my best friend. He's brought so much into my life that I simply cannot give up. I literally can't live without him. I really wish I was heartless and not attached to him, but I can't. Staying away from him is simply just hurting myself. He's the person I'd run away with if I had the chance, no matter how much I love anybody else. It really does feel like the best turn of my life and I've discussed this with him countless times. If we could just run away, no school, no parents, no mindless shallow drama, nothing. Just a trip with the only person that understands me.

I feel like I owe to you to catch you up on what has happened since.
A lot of things are a bit fuzzy, due to how fast everything happened.
We didn't really take a long break like I was freaking out we would. I don't remember exactly how we went back to talking but I think he said that he kind of took a walk and cleared his mind and how much he hates himself for everything and we just talked and soon we were back to normal. We even arranged to meet somedays later but he was kind of hesitant, saying he'll be boring and it could ruin us and having felt likewise I didn't wanna force him into it so we cancelled it.
Few days later school started and having been late for class I didn't really get a chance to talk to him before class, I wasn't sure if we were on talking terms or not, even if we had talked before and spent some very wholesome days after the whole situation.

During first break of the first day a girl from m friend group confessed to us that she and her dad got into a motorcycling accident together and he died a few days before that.

Now that's a whole chapter on its own, an emotionally traumatizing experience for me that I'd rather not get into, to stay in topic with the thread.
During the break everybody cried together from my group and we stayed together and comforted each other, but I didn't let anything out. I went to my teacher and asked for some time to stay with her and when everybody had to leave I made my way towards class.
Then I just didn't go in. I knew I was holding something in but I couldn't let any of my friends see because we had to be there for our friend, I didn't wanna be the victim, I needed to be strong for her.
So I texted him, and he came to meet me.
I absolutely and shamelessly broke down sobbing and he stayed there comfoting me. The whole situation was emotionally draining, and having let that out helped me a lot once I had calmed down. We stayed there for a while talking about life and death and filling him in all the details and it was generally the most therapeutic experience I really needed.
And as much as I hate to admit it it was probably what broke the barrier of not talking, because I don't know what other excuse we would've found to not be awkward around each other. We then had a free period which we spent together, hanging out and unwinding. We were then at the point of 'casually hanging out', and it was just a lot of fun, even with such circumstances. He made sure to check in and ask me if I'm okay still, if my friend is and all such, and I just appreciate how much he stood by me that day. We just ended up sitting in class together calmly and everything felt in place.
For the following days in school everything seemed to be going perfectly. We sat together in class and finally the problem with feeling lonely and hating how school was, was getting fixed. We both enjoyed school in each other's company and we felt so wholesome and amazing all the time. On the last Friday of official days at school (schools here close officially a week before they're supposed to, and during the last week the only people who show up are just people who missed a lot of school and can't take the days off or people who just need some help. I had to go two more days because of tests I needed to take, the next Monday and Tuesday.) we had an absolute blast. We had all periods of the day together so we just went class after class and played around a lot, the feeling I got was just unbearably amazing. It went from doing stupid shit and drawing on each other to just talking and getting deep. Towards the end of the day we just started a really deep convo about how perfect everything felt and how much we exceeded our expectations and how surreal the fact that we were hanging out was. It was then that he told me that he decided to quit drugs completely and cut off from the friend that was giving them to him. He had previously (especially recently) made attempts and he was somewhat staying clean or trying to change up his patterns, but he still felt the need to take something. But he honestly told me then that he's meeting up with the guy to pay the last of the money he owed him and he's not gonna talk with him at all during the summer. He told me hes determined to change and now this feeling of happiness motivated him to do so as well. He also shared his motivation to try for school, and how horrible he felt for never trying before, letting the whole year go to waste because of his carelessness. I told him I'd help him and we arranged to meet on Sunday to try studying for a bit.

I was so happy about this and we shared a beautiful moment together and I just couldn't pinpoint it, everything felt so pure and meaningful. The last period we just ended up playing with a mini baloon and having fun since the teacher wasn't really doing class and we then agreed to go on the last week as well, since neither of us wanted to let this go just yet.

But reality caught up with us and we realised how close exams were. Him, having not cared one bit during the year, needed to work in order not to have to retake the exam at the end of June, and losing half his summer. So on Sunday we sat down and tried our best to study. It generally went pretty well and we took a break to go eat and came back.
Upon coming back he seemed a bit weird, so I asked him what was wrong. He took a bit but eventually he just admitted to how he felt like he didn't deserve this and nothing made sense and I could be using this time doing something of my own, and how see even at that moment he's just there whining instead of doing something more productive and just a bunch of nonesense bullshit that I didn't even hold because I just couldn't. He was crying and I just hugged him tried to comfort him by telling him how much he meant to me and how much he changed me and I shared with him something that he helped me figure out - my perspective of the world. I'd rather not share it here because of how personal it is, but it just got me really emotional and upon hearing it he just saw how much sense everything felt and we both just sort of cried there in happiness and peace and we just forgot about reality and about studying and about parents and just shared one of the most beautiful moments we ever could. We couldn't stop this feeling and we instead just went back, I played some guitar which I was always so insecure to do and it got late when we snapped out of it, so he left in a hurry becuase my parents would be pissed.

It was in all honesty the best feeling I've ever had. I would kill to return to it. Even right now it's hard to return to the story, remembering what that feeling felt like. I love him so much. It's hard to understand.

So on Monday (last monday) we both went to school as agreed. We went to class normally but still spent a lot of time outside of school hanging out. We played around with water baloons and did stupid ass shit with other friends, generally didn't leave each other's company and had a lot of fun. On Tuesday it was the same, and we decided to just leave school and go back to my house to try and study some more, which we did. We didn't really talk that much for the rest of the day because busy but at some point he sent me a screenshot of our conversation for another reason and well. I noticed that I was muted.

Now I understand how this wasn't a big of a deal. It could be all sorts of reasons other than 'Oh he hates me' which was the mindset I jumped into. Problem is I'm so insecure and my stupid ass mind didn't think to confront it immidiately so I let it get to my head.
I just texted a simple "Hey if you like yknow for any reason find me annoying then the best thing you can do is yknow let me know"
I then left and just stayed isolated several hours and overthought it to the point that it made so much sense. I realised even if he just didn't like me then he still wouldn't have an escape route to get rid of me and it was just a pool of 'What if' of irrational thinking.

When he finally answered I was too far gone. He was so confused because I wouldn't tell him what exactly made me think this way, thinking that with one wrong move he wouldn't be able to escape if he wanted to, or on the other hand he'd blame himself for everything and hate on himself for letting me go that far. In the end he told me he was crying and he hated this and he was sorry for fucking up and just a big mess so I made him promise to say the truth and agreed to tell him then. It took hours to type my insecurities out and he stayed awake until I had sent him the message and then disappeared (I later found out that he just fell asleep, he generally can't control it and he hated himself for it as well). I just ended up dreadful and worried to hear his response, so the next morning I went to school and sat where we were supposed to meet and waited.
I thought he wouldn't come but he came.

When I saw him immidiately I let tears flow and we just went elsewhere to be away from the crowds and let this roam us freely. He showed me how all of his conversations were muted and it didn't take long to convince me that my insecurities were false. We didn't let it go however, because of how out of proportion if blew. He tried to find why it got so big of an idea in my head and why it got to the point of no return, to the point where it surpassed all the other moments we ever had together and it just got really horrible. He blamed himself and how he's so bad at appreciating everything and how he knew how generally insecure I was but never made a move to prevent it. And then he said about all the suicidal thoughts that came into his mind the day before thinking he had fucked up something and lost me for it. And that moment hearing that I went into a panic attack.

I'm not sure wether I mentioned that before but I've had panic attacks for as long as I can remember so reacting this way to anything generally is normal to me. He got really worried seeing the affect it had on me and just tried his best to comfort me and calm me down. Once I was calm he apologised and said about how much he could've caused me and I could've had a seizure and how this is the 2nd time hes done this (first being the one day I thought he was going to kill himself, not sure wether I mentioned it before). We just sat there for a while and eventually concluded to just letting it go, even though we didn't reallt come to a mind blowing solution like we usually do. We ended up leaving school so we wouldn't get questioned on why we were just sat somewhere crying. We found a bench somewhere and sat and soon enough we just overcame it in a way. We grabbed the notes i had written and he drew a doggo while we listed all the dog breeds we'd wanna adopt if we ever got an appartment together upon running away and then we just discussed plans on life and the whole bunch, ended up just feeling wholesome and all was forgotten.

We went back to school and still didn't go to any of the classes, instead just sort of sat there for a bit and my boyfriend and some other friends joined us for a bit before leaving. In the end we spent sum time playing guitar in the music room and having fun that way and ended up listening to music and the whole bunch. It was great. We just chilled from spot to spot around school for the rest of the day until it was the end of school and we had to take a bus and go home. After that we both felt wholesome and we just ended up calling at night and talking for hours. And on Thursday we did the same as well, just called and talked endlessly.

On Friday we both made an effort to study and it was going pretty well up until we both got distracted. I said that We should call and try and motivate each other to go back to studying. Problem with normal call though (we usually do discord calls) is that its kind of very hard to understand each other and it gets frustrating to him a lot, and to me about the fact that he can't hear me. So I mentioned about how something was bothering me, with no intention of really sharing, just a heads up in case I sounded off during the call. I said I didn't really wanna talk about it because it would take time from his studying. He said he wouldn't care about it more than caring that I'm okay. I tried to spit it out but I got a bit stressed and sat down to take a few breaths so I wouldn't break down. He imidiately started blaming himself for the stress and I asked if we could talk about it at home instead and he just was so upset and said he feels weird and if we can talk later. I said okay.

When I went home me and my parents fought really really bad and it was the pint when i thought nobody else would understand. I really wanted to talk to him about it but I also wanted to give him space like many people in here said i should when he asks for it.
So instead I just wrote down how much I wanted to run away. Cuz if we did not only would we both get away from our parents and everything in our lives that restricts us, but we wouldn't have problems either, we'd be able to figure everything out on the spot, without getting lost in our thoughts like we do now. I then sent him some videos of a dog we both held dear in and sent in situations of stress.

After that he answered a bit later looking at the dogs and I happened to be online so I just said sorry and asked how he was doing. He said sorry, wannna be left alone and logged off again. I understood and he was off. later during the night i kept sending dog vids and pics that i found hopefully to make him feel better and generally cuz its a thing that we do.

Later at about 3am he texted back about how he too wishes we could just run away, from everything, all the unpleasant memories, all the people that ruin our lives, everything. He said about how he doesn't belong anywhere and how I'm all that matters. I woke up and saw the texts as he was saying about how I'm the best friend anybody could ask for, and how he actually is starting to enjoy life and he never had this before but still, here he is, letting all his opportunities slip right in the trash. I mentioned how at home it feels with him, how I don't feel like I belong here either and how running away is the only option in order to actually be able to be each other's home, rather than just feel like we are. He agreed with me, said how much of an asshole he can be to everybody, how much that asshole self ruins his life and all his relationship, and how much that asshole self doesnt have a place in our friendship, because its real and honest and genuine. He then said he doesn't know if I should trust him anymore like I do and if only I could see life from his eyes. We then got deep and started discussing another perspective we have, tried to explain it the way we view it. When I figured my thoughts out and asked him if they made sense he said how would he know when he doesn't know why hes here to begin with. He said he needs to properly cry it out and left, but came back 5 minutes later to send me a song that remids him of me, that just talked about how one person brought light in the dark and how life cant be lived and on a lyric saying about thinking about the good times he sent a video of that one sunday we spent together that he took when we met. It felt beautiful and I was glad he was back to his self. At some point he fell asleep and the next morning (yesterday) everything felt fine again.

That morning though I had a fight with my boyfriend and it was probably the worst one, it really felt like we were about to break up and I really needed insight from him about how to answer. It was a bunch of overwhelming shit and he told me he was busy earlier but i really needed to talk so i just texted him if he could call me hoped he saw it. When he did he did call me and I was just crying on the phone trying to talk but I was just not understandable from his phone and everyhting i said got lost and I felt horrible and he did to and I just said hung up and we can text. It seemed like everything was okay.

When he went home and could see the messages he just told me to get a better friend and that he sucks too much and cant help with anythig cuz he sucks and he logged off again, said he needed to stay alone.

I just kind of swarmed there for a bit, I didn't know how to handle the situation without his insight and I really needed to, so in the end I too just sort of disappeared until my boyfriend called me to try and fix things. In the end we kind of figured it out, so no need to go into detail.

My friend however still doesnt talk. I sent a lot of pictures since hoping to cheer him up enough for him to know that I'm okay but he just answered late at night last night that he might need some time of isolation and hes stressing so much and everything is so messed up and he hates his life so much. I sent him a really long text to tell him i love him and to take his time and that everything is okay, and he hasn't answered.

So this is everything that has happened up to this point. If you wanna maybe text me about it please send me a message, I'd love to see your insight on this. Thanks for reading.

1 reply
freshLight64 May 19th, 2019

@andyfalls

The same friend while talking to my boyfriend: "I'm worried about her. I know he's her best friend but if he literally causes her panic attacks and brings her down with him, I just hope it doesn't affect her own mental health. It takes baggage to be his best friend." (I believe the panic attacks are probably from triggers of your past, and i could see what shes trying to say) I also always brushed that off as people not really knowing what our relationship is like. I understand him really, and he's not bringing me down, that's the last thing he wants to do. (I agree with you here, it doesn't seem like he is doing certain things out of malice) Causing the panic attack was something he never wanted and hated himself for for a really wrong time. (This is something i noticed with him, theres certain emotions he has a hard time dealing with them, it overwhelms him and then he starts to beat himself up. This is also a sign he becomes heavily focus on how he feels to the point is the truth to him.) I know that, because a few days ago (I'll catch you up on everything later.) I had another one and we were actually together and I saw how genuinely disgusted he was with himself for causing it. He beat himself over it for a while and brought up the other time as well, I saw how genuinely he cared about my health and well being. (He definetly seems like he cares about you from what you shared)
Other friends often gave me the advice: "Help him as much as you can but know when to walk away so you don't hurt yourself." I now know I'm well past the point where I should've walked away. But I can't. He's my best friend. He's brought so much into my life that I simply cannot give up. I literally can't live without him. (I understand he did a lot for you and that he is a very important person in your life, but you have to be careful here. Your happiness, well being, feeling loved, understood and wanted shouldn't rely on just one person. These are things that should come from within, so you will be okay in the long run if you two don't talk anymore) I really wish I was heartless and not attached to him, but I can't. Staying away from him is simply just hurting myself. He's the person I'd run away with if I had the chance, no matter how much I love anybody else. It really does feel like the best turn of my life and I've discussed this with him countless times. If we could just run away, no school, no parents, no mindless shallow drama, nothing. Just a trip with the only person that understands me. (This makes a lot of sense, from what i see all of those things you mentioned have made the two of you feel trapped and unloved, so i could see why you two would want to run away from everything)

I feel like I owe to you to catch you up on what has happened since.
A lot of things are a bit fuzzy, due to how fast everything happened.
We didn't really take a long break like I was freaking out we would. I don't remember exactly how we went back to talking but I think he said that he kind of took a walk and cleared his mind and how much he hates himself for everything (He definetly feels everything that happens is his fault, in the same way a child would feel if their parents are mad or something else. This is something his parents made him feel and they teach him to grow out of it, so now he tends to hate himself about it) and we just talked and soon we were back to normal. We even arranged to meet somedays later but he was kind of hesitant, (The closeness is starting to kick in, he could be feeling overwhelmed and probably wants space to regroup) saying he'll be boring and it could ruin us and having felt likewise (He is giving excuses here, the reality is that hes feeling really scared about being too close and he is unaware of it) I didn't wanna force him into it so we cancelled it. (You did the right thing here, its best to see each other when you feel the excitement in his voice, eyes and body language)
Few days later school started and having been late for class I didn't really get a chance to talk to him before class, I wasn't sure if we were on talking terms or not, even if we had talked before and spent some very wholesome days after the whole situation.

Then I just didn't go in. I knew I was holding something in but I couldn't let any of my friends see because we had to be there for our friend, I didn't wanna be the victim, I needed to be strong for her. (I understand what you try to do here, it makes a lot of sense, but you were not going to be a victim if you had share things. I see she was going through a lot, but its also important to take care of how you feel at first, on order to be there for her. What you were going through its also important as well)

I absolutely and shamelessly broke down sobbing (There's nothing wrong with this, it takes a lot of courage and strength to share how you feel) and he stayed there comfoting me. The whole situation was emotionally draining, and having let that out helped me a lot once I had calmed down. We stayed there for a while talking about life and death and filling him in all the details and it was generally the most therapeutic experience I really needed.
And as much as I hate to admit it it was probably what broke the barrier of not talking, (I see why you would say this, it can be tough to start a conversation when theres some barrier after what happened) because I don't know what other excuse we would've found to not be awkward around each other. We then had a free period which we spent together, hanging out and unwinding. We were then at the point of 'casually hanging out', and it was just a lot of fun, even with such circumstances. He made sure to check in and ask me if I'm okay still, if my friend is and all such, and I just appreciate how much he stood by me that day. We just ended up sitting in class together calmly and everything felt in place. (When moments are great like this is where he is definetly the best friend to have, specially when everything is flowing so well and naturally. This feels like two people enjoying and having fun in life about everything)
He had previously (especially recently) made attempts and he was somewhat staying clean or trying to change up his patterns, but he still felt the need to take something. (This could be related to avoidance, its like he needs to take something on order to feel better internally and as a distraction. He probably finds pleasure in avoiding things because of how overwhelming things can be) But he honestly told me then that he's meeting up with the guy to pay the last of the money he owed him and he's not gonna talk with him at all during the summer. (This is a good step in the right direction) He told me hes determined to change and now this feeling of happiness motivated him to do so as well. He also shared his motivation to try for school, and how horrible he felt for never trying before, letting the whole year go to waste because of his carelessness. (I can see where he is coming from with this, its not his carelessnes. It's just he becomes froze in terms of actions and often procrastinate out of fear of not being good enough. There's a lot of fears and insecurities involved here, and he also plays the role "too tought" at times) I told him I'd help him and we arranged to meet on Sunday to try studying for a bit.

I was so happy about this and we shared a beautiful moment together and I just couldn't pinpoint it, everything felt so pure and meaningful. (This is how friendships and relationships should feel, they should be more happiness than pain)

But reality caught up with us and we realised how close exams were. Him, having not cared one bit during the year, (I think he cared, he just didn't know what to do and felt frozen in fear so he didn't try at all. Its awful feeling this way, knowing what to do but at the same time it can be painful)
Upon coming back he seemed a bit weird, so I asked him what was wrong. He took a bit but eventually he just admitted to how he felt like he didn't deserve this and nothing made sense (His family didn't treat him properly and didn't meet his needs, so now he grew thinking "Well i always deserve to be treated bad, look at how my family treated me...", so now you treating him great makes him feel strange inside because it doesn't match the belief his parents implanted on him) and I could be using this time doing something of my own, and how see even at that moment he's just there whining (You are being dismissive here, he is very scared because of his past at the moment so in here its important to empathize and understand where he is coming from) instead of doing something more productive and just a bunch of nonesense bullshit that I didn't even hold because I just couldn't. He was crying and I just hugged him tried to comfort him by telling him how much he meant to me and how much he changed me and I shared with him something that he helped me figure out - (You did great here, attunement its so important in friendships and relationships)

It was in all honesty the best feeling I've ever had. I would kill to return to it. (This definetly feels wonderful, but in the unconcious its a sign that your unmet needs were met, so if you are not getting that feeling from him then it put you into a state of depression. This is why i feel that your happiness and well being are too depedent on what he does or say, i shouldn't be like this.) Even right now it's hard to return to the story, remembering what that feeling felt like. I love him so much. It's hard to understand.

Now I understand how this wasn't a big of a deal. It could be all sorts of reasons other than 'Oh he hates me' which was the mindset I jumped into. (I can understand how easy it can be to believe this because this feeling is associated with your parents, however this is part of a trauma that is replaying from the past to the present. This will definetly trigger your anxiety because of how your parents made you feel) Problem is I'm so insecure and my stupid ass mind (You are abusing yourself here, we all have our insecurities and doubts, however it doesn't your mind is stupid) didn't think to confront it immidiately so I let it get to my head. (This is probably part of avoidance)
I just texted a simple "Hey if you like yknow for any reason find me annoying then the best thing you can do is yknow let me know" (I can tell you felt anxious and scaredm you were looking to feel validated that you didn't do anything wrong. I feel you got triggered ecause growing up they probably made you feel a certain way, so now its taking over)
I then left and just stayed isolated several hours and overthought it to the point that it made so much sense. I realised even if he just didn't like me then he still wouldn't have an escape route to get rid of me and it was just a pool of 'What if' of irrational thinking. (This is definetly being afraid of being thrown away or someone abandoning, so it puts you into this mindset of being danger)

When he finally answered I was too far gone. He was so confused because I wouldn't tell him what exactly made me think this way,(It makes a lot of sense why you couldn't, it was part of the unconcious) thinking that with one wrong move he wouldn't be able to escape if he wanted to, or on the other hand he'd blame himself for everything and hate on himself for letting me go that far. In the end he told me he was crying and he hated this and he was sorry for fucking up and just a big mess so I made him promise to say the truth and agreed to tell him then. (This is a big issue right now, its hard to express discontent or displeasure with him because he tends to enter this self hate and then makes the conversation about how he feels) It took hours to type my insecurities out (I can tell you felt tons of anxiety throughout this time, so it made you overshare and possibly blaming yourself) and he stayed awake until I had sent him the message and then disappeared (I later found out that he just fell asleep, he generally can't control it and he hated himself for it as well). I just ended up dreadful and worried to hear his response, so the next morning I went to school and sat where we were supposed to meet and waited.
I thought he wouldn't come but he came.

He blamed himself and how he's so bad at appreciating everything and how he knew how generally insecure I was but never made a move to prevent it. (This is something i noticed, its just hard to communicate with him when he is constantly blaming himself, its like he gets triggered during this kind of communication because it takes him back to when he was a child) And then he said about all the suicidal thoughts that came into his mind the day before thinking he had fucked up something and lost me for it. (He definetly seems to have some sort of depression, and needs to see a therapist before things get worst) And that moment hearing that I went into a panic attack.

I'm not sure wether I mentioned that before but I've had panic attacks for as long as I can remember so reacting this way to anything generally is normal to me. (Its actually a part of a trauma and a trigger, so its like reliving the past in the present) He got really worried seeing the affect it had on me and just tried his best to comfort me and calm me down. Once I was calm he apologised and said about how much he could've caused me and I could've had a seizure and how this is the 2nd time hes done this (first being the one day I thought he was going to kill himself, not sure wether I mentioned it before). (I could see why he would feel so much self-hate and all, but this is something he really needs to work, it keeps interferring when theres communication, so things stay unresolved) We just sat there for a while and eventually concluded to just letting it go, (This is a sign it will stay unresolved) even though we didn't reallt come to a mind blowing solution like we usually do. We ended up leaving school so we wouldn't get questioned on why we were just sat somewhere crying. We found a bench somewhere and sat and soon enough we just overcame it in a way. We grabbed the notes i had written and he drew a doggo while we listed all the dog breeds we'd wanna adopt if we ever got an appartment together (You have a boyfriend, its not appropiate to have this conversation.) upon running away and then we just discussed plans on life and the whole bunch, ended up just feeling wholesome and all was forgotten.

. So I mentioned about how something was bothering me, with no intention of really sharing, just a heads up in case I sounded off during the call. (One thing about this is that the other person might feel anxiety and will often want to find out whats going on) I said I didn't really wanna talk about it because it would take time from his studying. He said he wouldn't care about it more than caring that I'm okay. I tried to spit it out but I got a bit stressed and sat down to take a few breaths so I wouldn't break down. (Its normal you would do this, it helps to relax) He imidiately started blaming himself for the stress (i can tell he definetly went through a truamatic and toxic household. They definetly made him feel guilty and ashamed about a lot of things, so he internalize other people feelings as his faultTheres a chance of early developmental arrest, so now he is stuck at a certain age where he blame himself a lot as well. ) and I asked if we could talk about it at home instead and he just was so upset and said he feels weird and if we can talk later. I said okay.

When I went home me and my parents fought really really bad and it was the pint when i thought nobody else would understand. (If you never heard understood by your parents then it turns into an unmet needs, so now you would project and look for this on order. This would make you over-share things and trying hard to keep someone, and will often will look for people to give you this. Its awful you and your parents got into a bad argument) I really wanted to talk to him about it but I also wanted to give him space like many people in here said i should when he asks for it.
So instead I just wrote down how much I wanted to run away. Cuz if we did not only would we both get away from our parents and everything in our lives that restricts us, but we wouldn't have problems either, we'd be able to figure everything out on the spot, without getting lost in our thoughts like we do now. I then sent him some videos of a dog we both held dear in and sent in situations of stress. (I can understand you felt anxious and needed to talk, but you became very focused on your anxiety and treated him like an object, instead of giving him the space to contact you. It's important to soothe your anxiety on your own when you are feeling separation anxiety. When we feel anxiety is where we lost focus on how the other person feels)

After that he answered a bit later looking at the dogs and I happened to be online so I just said sorry and asked how he was doing.(You are trying too hard to pull him closer, without thinking he said "we will talk later" the other day) He said sorry, wannna be left alone and logged off again. (This is a sign he was feeling smothered by you because you wanted to pull him closer because of your anxiety) I understood and he was off. later during the night i kept sending dog vids and pics that i found hopefully to make him feel better and generally cuz its a thing that we do. (I understand you are feeling scared and anxious, but at this moment you are treating him like an object. You are being more focus on "Im feeling anxiety, i need to pull him closer" than respect his space to be alone. This is not okay, i could see its difficult to give him space, but you also have to consider how he feels, it can't be about how you feel)

He said about how he doesn't belong anywhere and how I'm all that matters. (All this time he has been looking for a place where he belongs because his family never made him feel like this, so now he is projecting unmet needs on you. Saying "you are all that matters" is unhealthy because it will always put some type of pressure on the other person) I woke up and saw the texts as he was saying about how I'm the best friend anybody could ask for, and how he actually is starting to enjoy life and he never had this before (Growing up he received a small amount of love, and now with you he is receiving a big amount of love so at times it will confuse him) . He agreed with me, said how much of an asshole he can be to everybody, how much that asshole self ruins his life and all his relationship, and how much that asshole self doesnt have a place in our friendship, because its real and honest and genuine. (This is his way of pushing him away by saying all of those things) He then said he doesn't know if I should trust him anymore like I do and if only I could see life from his eyes.

That morning though I had a fight with my boyfriend and it was probably the worst one, it really felt like we were about to break up and I really needed insight from him about how to answer. It was a bunch of overwhelming shit and he told me he was busy earlier but i really needed to talk so i just texted him (I see you felt overwhelm and anxious, that you needed to let things out, but he mentioned he was busy earlier. Your anxiety is making you become more focused on how you feel, than how he feels. This is not okay)

When he went home and could see the messages he just told me to get a better friend and that he sucks too much and cant help with anythig cuz he sucks and he logged off again, said he needed to stay alone. (I can understand you felt anxious, and tried to seek support, but look at what he said...This is his way of pushing you away and keeping you at a distance. I wouldn't do anything after this point until he contacts you.)

My friend however still doesnt talk. I sent a lot of pictures since hoping to cheer him up enough for him to know that I'm okay but he just answered late at night last night that he might need some time of isolation (You are alsos ending this pictures to close the distance between you two, you are becoming more focus on reducing your anxiety than how he feels. This is going to make him feel smothered and then he will sabotage the friendship)

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Summershy April 29th, 2019

@andyfalls You have to understand that this isn't about you but he and that depression is a sickness. Even the slight criticism, though constructive can seem like a knife or a weapon to someone like that. He has to want to help himself so just give him room.