Is it jealousy?
Hi! I have been with my bf for a few years now and just recently he has gotten reaally close with his girl best friend. Normally i wouldn't mind but I have felt like things have been different lately.
Like for instance they call each other every single day, and so does my boyfriend with me. But he talks longer to her. Also they hang out alone a lot and when they do, they cuddle the same way that we cuddle. For me, even my best friend in the whole wild world, i dont cuddle with when I'm alone with them. I cuddle with my friends when we are in a group and then everyone is cuddling everyone. They also hold hands.
They also text all the time: I love you with lots of hearts.
He has also said on several occasions that she is attractive, cute and what not. And when we have arguments he compares me to her and says that she never does this.
When she hangs out at our apartment he only gives her psysical attention and not me.
My heart hurts when i enter the door and he doesn't even stand up to greet me but is lying on the couch with her.
The worst thing is that I have told him about this. He knows my insecurity with her. Not her as a person but their dynamic. And he doesn't change anything. He sort of turned it on me.
@Dancingwithnoone Hi, I hope this message finds you well. Yeah I definitely think you need to have a talk with him. He shouldn't be acting like this with his girl best friend. You should be his top priority and he shouldn't treat her the same way he should be treating you. Friends are definitely okay, but that seems like he is treating her with romantic intentions and you deserve better. Please know that. We are here for you if you would like to chat with a Listener, but please put yourself first and don't let him treat you like this. You are amazing and you will get through this. I am thinking of you.
Hi @fruityPond7887! Thank you for your support.
I did have a conversation with him. I told him that he has a lot of girl best friends but she is the only one that he is behaving like this to.
The thing is, we sort of ended it with a compromise. Like whenever he is cuddling with her, he should give attention to me. I actually don't know if that compromise was fair to me. It's almost like he HAS to touch her and be with her.
I know that she isn't interested in him. She is gay. But he has told me that he has had a crush on her. And since then they have become even closer.
I'm not worried about him doing something psysical with her, i'm worried about their emotional connection.
@Dancingwithnoone I am right there with you that I would be worried about their emotional relationship too. It does seem like the compromise wasn't really fair to you either. Would you consider leaving him for someone better because you deserve it. Please keep your head up and take care of yourself! Thinking of you!❤️
@Dancingwithnoone
from the outside looking in you have a definite point and if you have spoken to him and he sees nothing wrong with it .... why does he keep your relationship going if you think they have one..... is she in another relationship..
while not making too many boundaries i would want to know the extent of does he want to be with her or you.........have you spoken to her..... some people can have a sort of look like a couple ....type of relationship and yet it is not what you think.
Hi! She doesn't have a partner. The things is, i don't find problems with her. She has on several occasions told me that she doesn't find him attractive. It's more about the emotional connection rather than the physical one. Like they tell each other like every day how much they love each other.
He has also told me that in the past, he has had a crush on her. And since that time he has had a crush on her, they have become even closer than before.
@Dancingwithnoone
then perhaps there is an issue as for her it is a close friend providing a emotional connection and even hugs/ cuddles but she is not interested there is a side note even if she did not find him attractive the connection of emotional support can change how she feels.
I met a man he was ok was not physically attracted to him not my type whatever as our friendship continued i see him in a different light .... i see him as cute at first, then as it has grown i find him very attractive. If he is trying to have his relationship with YOU and have a daydream relationship with her because his crush ....... he needs to pick bet he is afraid to because if he picks her she probably does not feel the same .... Yet...... my guess is he thinks in time she will and you are his spare.
If he shares things with her that you normally share with your partner or he shares things with her that he wouldn't share if you were around then he seems to have an emotional affair.
You know, it happens that someone has a partner that is deeply loved yet meets someone else and envelops a deep spiritual bond with that other person. How hard that might be, it doesn't mean that there is no more love.
His behavior is not ok. It is hurtful. He lives in a fantasy world and he is hurting you.
Make it clear to him he crosses boundaries and needs to make a choice.
I am so sorry but this is definitely not just jealousy, please SERIOUSLY talk with him about it (again) and if he doesnt change anything (again) then you should really consider breaking up..
His behavior sounds shameless and he has not only expressed zero empathy for how his behavior makes you feel but has gone the extra mile to twist it around on you. This is emotionally manipulative and abusive.
Have you asked him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you were closer to your best guy friend (who you were attracted to) than you were to him? It's unlikely he would say it wouldn't bother him unless his romantic feelings had died for you or he was lying to save face.
Regardless, when you're in a relationship with someone, your friends should not take priority over your partner (in any area) unless that is mutually agreed upon. You're not okay with this. It's hurting you. You've expressed this, and he has exhibited no respect for you or your boundaries. This is not normal/healthy behavior. Guys who are genuinely committed to their girlfriends, don't snuggle with their best girlfriends and constantly express romantic affection for them.
Is it jealousy? Yes, and it's completely and totally justified given his behavior. You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt because quite frankly, you deserve better.
You've already told him how you feel and he couldn't be more apathetic. This means the ball is in your court and not his, as to what you want to do next. Just know that you don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who mistreats you like this.
The worst thing is that i love him so much. I am so scared to leave him. We live together.
But it is true that he hurt me. And i don't know if i will ever heal from this
@Dancingwithnoone
It's definitely not an easy decision to make when you feel very attached to a person. But I can promise you that you are stronger than you realize and more than capable of healing. Things only seem impossible before we do them.
Take some time and space to think it through. Only make a decision when you are ready.
UPDATE!
@fruitypond7887 @gaysheep @dukeofdearham @hermithealer
I confronted him and told him to choose, it was either her or me. For some reason me standing up for myself made him realize that he has lost feelings for me and does not love me anymore. He said that he wants to work on it and not make any rash desicions, but there is nothing to work on. If he doesn't love me, that can't change.
So i broke up with him.
I packed my stuff and am now staying at my parents.
Honestly after all of this, i think i'm okay. Even though he broke my heart, i'm sort of excited for this new me.
Thank you all for your support and advice. It really did help and i used your tips in confronting him.
I am now a single lady. I can now do whatever i want and am not obligated by anyone!
@Dancingwithnoone Yesss! I am so proud of you for putting yourself first! You should be excited for yourself because you have all the time in the world to do whatever it is that YOU want! I am so happy for you!! ❤️
Thank you so much! Thank you for writing to me, it really helped
@Dancingwithnoone You're very welcome! I am glad I was able to provide some insight and support <3