How bad of an idea is it?
Hi,
I work in a private school at college-level (i.e. all students are between 18 and 23, usually, we've seen some in their 40s) and I've turned 30 this year.
There is a students who finished her masters this September after her final defense in front of a jury of professionals and will pick up her diploma during the ceremony that will happen mid-December.
I feel like it would be safe to reach out to her and let her know that I have feelings for her. But before you pull out your pitchforks, I'm not doing it with any hope.
I've seen her cry after a bad break up 3 years ago, I've seen her try to improve herself to be more desirable by having a gym phase, I saw that her friend groups are mostly men and yet none of them seem to stick with her very long. I remember at one point we we're only four in a room (her, one classmate, my direct higher up (way on the other side of the room), and me) and I can't remember why but she jokingly said "as my mother used to say, smile if you're not pretty" but I think she was seriously phishing for something, neither me nor the classmate reacted much outside of a polite acknowledgement.
It seems she's very insecure about her physique. Maybe I have weird tastes, maybe she is extremely attractive in an unusual way, I think it's the later.
I had to work closely with her class for two years and we quickly saw that we have quite a lot of tastes in common, namely fashion and music. But not really much more, nothing that could count as flirting.
At the end of the first semester of that two year and she had to go away on a year long hiatus because she failed to secure an apprenticeship. At that point, when she went away I saw my days be become dimmer, I missed having her around.
Because I highly value deontology and also because I knew I couldn't resist her I went on to avoid her has much as possible, and maybe I overdid it. During class time I'm very proactive and I make sure I go talk to every students to make sure they have no questions unanswered when I let them go through the material I prepared. I only had one such class with her group from when she came back up until the graduation and during that class I went up to every single students in no particular order but her, I though that if there was an order, skipping her would have been too obvious. But near the end of the session I saw her decomposing, on the verge of tears, getting comforted by one of her friend.
So now, what I want is to contact her[1] to let her know what I think. My hope is that it comes through as the sincerest compliment I can muster, I want her to know she's worth much more than what she thinks.
That's what I want. I don't expect anything beyond that, I feel like I owe her an explanation. I hope she will be happy.
I know this is not strictly asking for dating tips, but it seems quite related.
[1]: it's going to be through text, I don't think I'll ever have the opportunity to tell her even though I feel ready for that.
So, how bad of an idea is that? Should I keep it to myself? How likely is it that I'm going to get ridiculed and labeled as "that weird predatory dude who lust after the students"? Am I going to be more scary than comforting?
I should have spent more time proof-reading that, I didn't know there were no "edit" button.
Feel free to ask if you have any questions.
@courageousFig8305
Although the entire idea seems to be a bit risky, I really admire your courage to make yourself vulnerable by telling about your feelings.
Actually, in older generations of my family there was a life-long and rather a happy marriage between a local superior and a member of a kind of an adult scouting organisation, with the age difference of 12 years. But this was just after the war and in the Eastern Europe.
But how would you feel about any non-standard behaviour in a modern society, so much concerned about political correctness and extremely touchy about anything?
I believe there is nothing wrong in "just talking". Do you think there would be a way to tell her that you liked her, appreciated her efforts and wished her well, without using any bigger L-words?
Do you think that could be a good foundation if some day maybe you meet again and see each other more as peers?
Also, it could be curious to check what is making this connection between you and her so special. Is that rather a fact that she's a special kind of person? Or does caring about someone in a father-like way (in a positive meaning) makes it feel so special to you? Or both?
Not suggesting anything, but do you think we sometimes cannot easily tell the difference between romantic feelings and just a well-deserved admiration towards someone?
@jacek73
First of all, thank you very much for sending a detailed and constructive answer, I really appreciate it.
"Although the entire idea seems to be a bit risky..."
It is, but I think these days is probably the best time for it. She's virtually not a student anymore, or at least my job isn't giving me any higher ground so there is nothing for me to "take advantage of" in this regard.
"But how would you feel about any non-standard behaviour in a modern society, so much concerned about political correctness and extremely touchy about anything?"
That is why I'm asking for outside point of views here. In my head it sounds like a good idea, I really want to provide clarity about the situation and boost to her moral as she venture into her career and rest of her life. But I live in such a country in which I can't say anything without being accused of having ulterior motives.
"Do you think there would be a way to tell her that you liked her, appreciated her efforts and wished her well, without using any bigger L-words?"
I won't go with "I love you", the plan is to first ask if she noticed my avoidance, and if "yes" then just tell her that I think she's great, all around, and I couldn't risk making a stupid mistake so I chose the "safe" option by not tempting it and if that was hurtful I do apologize.
"Do you think that could be a good foundation if some day maybe you meet again and see each other more as peers?"
Maybe, maybe not, I'm not really counting on crossing paths again, much of our students move far away after graduating and that's what I'm expecting.
"it could be curious to check what is making this connection between you and her so special. Is that [...] Or both?"
As far as I can tell, it only goes one way. The thing which tells me it's serious on my end is how well it's a match culturally, I've always been weird, and she seems like the same kind of weird. I don't expect reciprocity, I just want her to know she's worth more than what she thinks.
Maybe waiting this long is the sign that I'm a coward and my words are not worth anything, even if I do mean well.
@courageousFig8305
I would not take it as an act of cowardice at all - for me it's quite understandable you have just been cautious, bearing in mind all the circumstances, which I believe are quite complex.
Maybe it is also due to your personality traits - that you prefer to think things over before acting - I see nothing wrong in that as well.
As far as I understand you plan is to send the person a text message? Not just a minute of talking to her in the public? I guess both ways have their advantages and disadvantages?
@jacek73
"As far as I understand you plan is to send the person a text message? Not just a minute of talking to her in the public? I guess both ways have their advantages and disadvantages?"
I think going through text is mostly disadvantageous, but I don't see a way to get 1 to 1 time in person without being very heavy handed. But it at least present the benefit of being discreet enough to give her the opportunity to keep it to herself, given that it could be seen as unsavory despite all the tact I can put in.
"Maybe it is also due to your personality traits - that you prefer to think things over before acting - I see nothing wrong in that as well."
You're 100% correct on the first half, but as with everything else, nothing is good when there is too much of it.
Honestly, I'm afraid of doing it and I wanted to know if people would have liked the gesture if it happened to them. Or, if it's just me having the selfish urge to release that build up of emotions and make it someone else's problem.
I can't gauge how much risk I'm taking, which would be fine if that choice impacted only me, but it doesn't.
@courageousFig8305
I think you are right to be cautious.
You don't say her actual age. So I'll take the average - 20. So you are 50% older than her. A significant difference. Even if you are no longer in a supervision role relatively to her, your life experiences are significantly different. I believe that this is likely to make an unbalanced relationship. And unbalanced relationships are problematic.
I think the fairest thing for you to do would be to walk away and let her get some life experience on her own. If you really love her then waiting 5 years would not be an issue.
@Clio9876
"You don't say her actual age."
Correct, but I also said she's just finished getting her masters degree and she had to redo a year. Which gives us "at lest 24".
"So you are 50% older than her. A significant difference"
That's part of my thoughts. This is why I'm asking here because I wasn't seeing it this way. If we keep assuming 20, to preserve the argument, then the age gap is 50% of her lifespan, yet what I"m seeing is that she's got 2/3 of my lifespan.
I say lifespan because experience is not the same thing and I think the gap in experience is smaller than the age gap.
"I believe that this is likely to make an unbalanced relationship"
Which is a fair assumption, but I'm very much about to give space to people, too much of it even. Also, this is a "sort of throwaway" account, I've been a listener here for quite some time and I'm starting to get recommended enough that I've been struggling to meet all the demands this year[1]. So I know I'm very much safe compared to the image of the detestable modern man the internet is trying real hard to convey these days.
It's interesting, that out of two respondent now, you both seem to think I'm going to try and build something with her. Whereas I'm wondering if I can safely say something along the lines of "maybe you've noticed I was especially cold to you, I think I wasn't in a position to be warm and to remain safe I chose to be this way. The problem is actually that you are very much lovable and given how much you seem to struggle with self esteem I think you needed to hear that. Good luck with your career."
Thank you very much, your point of view help seeing the rough edges and problems much better.
[1] : which is bit sad, but there are plenty of quality listeners on here so I'm not worried too much.
Well, it is sent, there is no going back now.
SHE OFFERED TO GO ON A DATE WOOOOOOoooooooooooo
@courageousFig8305
Thats great! I can tell you have high feelings for her. If you are worried about coming off as a predator make sure to take it slow. Sometime when people have these strong feelings they become them. Its much harder to avoid wanting to love her the way you want if she doesnt know if she wants that yet. Im a therapist and have dealt with this before. Alot of people have problems like this. However this seems to be working on your side. I will say there are things to look out for like the risk of job. I hope everything works out in your favor - Zai
@noturprettyproblemitsmine
"make sure to take it slow"
Yeah, that's how we ended up with her offering. I'm going to give her as much space and time as needed, it's very much obvious that I'm way too far and I can't expect the same from her, even romcoms have some twists and turns.
I have strong feelings and I'm enjoying letting them run free, but I'm still very much in control of myself. Just imagine a logician who got raised by classically romantic mother.
As for the risk to my job, it is minimal now, given that her reception is positive and also, the fact that I managed to hold this long for her to graduate, show's that I'm not unstable and can be reasoned with. Also, I got to demonstrate my work to the whole C-suite this afternoon (after 6 years) and they've come to understand that I was made for the position I'm holding (to bad the pay is aggressively mediocre though haha!).