Husband’s female colleague sends him selfies and asks for lifts to the station after work
I’ve been with my husband for over two years now and we have a loving relationship. He’s a kind, sociable and helpful person and often goes out of his way to help others…
He’s started a new job in January and immediately made friends, not surprisingly . One of his female colleagues who I’ve met a couple of times, seemed over friendly with him and referred to my husband as her work husband a few times in our first interaction.. I laughed it off at first, but then as time went by I started noticing a few things: It started with casual drinks every Friday after work and she brings him food, has lunch with him every single day, asks him to drop her off at the bus/ train station every other day… I spoke about this with my husband and he thinks I’m jealous/ overthinking it. Recently, I saw my husband messaging her on a Saturday, while we were out travelling for a friends wedding… and she had sent him updates in the form of selfies with her cat…
I didn’t get this vibe from his other work friends and I try to keep my negative thoughts away… but I’m starting to feel like my husband keeps things from me and doesn’t tell me when he’s dropping her off / going out with her… I know there’s nothing wrong happening behind my back, but I don’t get the right vibes from this lady and I don’t know how to approach this with my husband again without coming across as jealous/ possesive 😒 maybe I am being jealous/ possesive and need to go out and have friends 😅 help!
You might be wrong, you might not be. You really need to hash it out with the hubby tho. Let him know you don't like this behavior, how it makes you feel, and what ways you can both work to address it. If he's dismissive or doesn't want to change anything, that's not right. He can totally be friends with her at work, but if you have a problem with the other stuff, he should take some action on it.
Good luck!
@funnyVillage1676 I really support your response! It's perfectly worded and I think you're absolutely right.
@Anxiouskitten23 I know nothing about marriage or being in a decent relationship so please do not take this seriously, however, I do not blame you for feeling a bit concerned or maybe questioning it. I would feel the same way, if not worse. I guess it would be worse if he was hiding the behavior. Anyway, good for you for remaining alert, in my opinion you have every right to wonder what the heck is going on. In any case, I really do hope it's nothing.
Don't know if my reply is helpful, I am at home taking a break from working.
We wish you good luck
@Anxiouskitten23
I can tell you my truth and you can do what you want, but I say trust your gut! I did it plenty of times where I was in multiple situations with someone my husband was friends with, and I 100% trusted my guy every single time. And I ended up being right every single time.
If you have a bad feeling in your gut that this female is bad news, she probably is. It happened to me multiple times with friends of my husband. A few of the women he was friends with were overly friendly as well and I always got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was around them. Come to find out, 3 of them were trying to sleep with him (he showed me the messages), 1 was trying to manipulate him into divorcing me, and 1 of them bad mouthed me constantly to him. He is no longer friends with any of them (he chose not to be) because of what they tried to pull.
So don’t think it’s just in your head or jealousy, because it very well may not be. Your husband may not be doing anything with her like you said, but she may be trying to. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with them going out for drinks because she sounds like trouble. That my take on it because I’ve been there unfortunately.
Impressive results @ConcernedWife2017 but I would still caution against this approach. Like someone inferred above (I can't scroll up to tag the name, sorry!) being accusatory without proof and also being wrong can be damaging. Talk first
@funnyVillage1676,
I agree on talking first.
Having said that, I trust my intuition and was met by a wife who denied all, saying they were just good friends and that I was making up a story. While she did develop feelings for someone else and would not admit.
End of marriage.
@dukeoffearham
I’m very sorry that has happened to you.
I was just letting her know to trust her gut about the female coworker. I wasn’t in any way informing her to not talk to her husband first or to divorce him. Not sure why it was taken that way.
My marriage almost ended because of a situation that happened similar to this.
@ConcernedWife2017,
I am sorry too.
I was in a dark place and not available for my wife. So she bonded long distance with someone else. I understood deep down but I needed reassurance, openness which she could not provide.
We did relationship therapy. She kept on chatting with that guy. She said once,"it's only 4 hours a week". I made t clear I didn't feel comfortable and would get a reply like "just good friends, nothing going on" and when I said I felt like others had taken over the emotional part of our relationship she'd repeatedly say "that is not true, no one has taken your place". So I accused her a having an emotional relationship which she denied, saying a created a story, pulled things out of perspective and how that would help to bring us closer. I would get angry often until she couldn't cope anymore.
Looking back I should not have accused her of having an emotional affair and not gotten angry.
But hey, having your feelings invalidated does something to you.
@dukeofdearham
I am sorry. That sounds really rough- all of it. I know the feeling all to well. It seems like a lot of people deny or brush off the fact that they are falling for someone else to their spouse. I get that whole thing of not having your feelings not validated. My husband tried to pull a blindfold over my eyes many times when he would do something wrong. Every single time.
My husband always hid his phone from me, always taking it with him wherever he went. He wouldn’t answer calls sometimes when he was out. He would start a fight just to leave the house and go do stuff. The whole time I had suspicions because my gut told me something wasn’t right. I ended up being right every single time. It ended up with him having 3 affairs and doing other stuff he shouldn’t have.
It all made me feel like our kids were not his priority. Or even myself.
@funnyVillage1676
I didn’t say for her to go divorce her spouse or anything like that. I said to trust her gut, not about her husband, but about the female. I have learned that when a female acts the way his coworker does, it’s usually 100% bad news. I told her to take what she wanted from my story- but I wasn’t telling her nothing bad or to divorce her husband. I was just pretty much saying for her to watch what the females moves are. Of course she should talk to her husband about it, but the husband seems to be a little defensive and thinking she is jealous.
@ConcernedWife2017
This is fair. In my situation with my latest ex gf, something always seemed off about her. I never had any direct proof, but I would tell her I'd be suspicious of "xyz" which she would of course deny. It's the reason I never notified HR about our relationship, never introduced her to my kids, and never gave her one red cent for her "bills". This has made the breakup SO much easier.
The flip side of that coin, maybe she felt that hesitation in my commitment and it only caused her to double down on some of her activities. Who knows....
@funnyVillage1676
I am glad to hear that you decided to never give her money or introduce her to your kids. That does indeed make it a lot harder. And there are so many people who introduce kids to their new bf/gf rather quickly, and it becomes a confusing situation if the relationship fails. To each their own though, and it is their life to live. I personally would wait on that myself.
So was it from the beginning that you started feeling like something was off with her?
@ConcernedWife2017
It was pretty early on, yea. She would always frame herself as a victim, talk about all her financial problems, etc etc. It all seemed just a bit off to me, especially the finances. She lives with her mom on an estate cuz her mom is rich. She has no kids either and could never fully explain her bills to me plus I knew she was making a pretty decent income. I do hope she sees the error in her ways one day
@funnyVillage1676
That’s the same with me. I usually get those feelings about someone right off the bat, or at least very early on in speaking with them or knowing them.
Got it. That’s another thing I noticed is when someone is actually not the victim, they like to play that they are.
@Anxiouskitten23 boundaries…. Marriage requires healthy boundaries. Maturity creates these healthy boundaries. And respect and love are requirements in order to have a healthy marriage and to live these boundaries out.
After speaking to your husband, he should empathize with you and ponder on your option. You are the most important person in his life. He should place boundaries to honor and respect you and your marriage.
He shouldn’t dismiss your thoughts and feelings. What you are feeling and thinking are legitimate. He would not like it if the tables were turned.
ask him to put healthy boundaries in place.
Communication and boundaries are the key. You should be able to express how you feel and your feelings should be validated. If you're not comfortable with that friendship, your husband should ponder the situation. And if nothing bad's going on, you could be able to go along, get together only in group. That way you could get to know each other, your husband would give you your place, boundaries would be set up, and you would feel more comfortable.
