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Anxiouskitten23
1 1,251 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 52 Compassion hearts62 Forum posts41 Forum upvotes81 Current upvotes81 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2025 Member sinceFebruary 5, 2017
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Considering cutting off untreated BPD mother
Family & Caregivers / by Anxiouskitten23
Last post
 October 26th, 2024
...See more My mother has untreated BPD (for many years but I’ve only been able to work it out after I went into therapy 4 years ago). She has frequent episodes where she has an outburst either in person or over text, blaming me and my sibling for all of her problems, she says the most hurtful and insensitive things, and then when she’s done, she’ll pretend as if nothing happened the next day and expect us to carry on as usual…She has refused therapy or medication and thinks therapists are scam artists. She sees herself as the victim and blames everybody else for her problems…  When I was living with her I had no option but to ride this emotionally unstable wave with her and it’s had a deep impact on my mental health too to the extent that I was showing some BPD symptoms too along with ADHD and chronic anxiety…I’ve worked on this for 4 years in therapy and am able to lead a more or less “normal”life on most days.. I have a supportive partner who understands and is with me on my journey… I moved to a different country 4 years ago and started a new life there, but I’m back now for a bit to meet with my friends and family and introduce them to my baby.  Only this time I chose to live in a separate place and not with my mother. This has upset her and in her latest outburst she’s accused me of causing her heartache and sleepless nights and extreme stress…  as a mother now, I find it to be my responsibility to be a good mother to my son by managing my emotions, being emotionally stable and looking after my mental health in order to show up for my baby… but having a relationship with my mother is not letting that happen… i am considering cutting off from her as every interaction with her now is extremely draining and if I continue, I will only be spending more and more time in therapy to deal with it all…  My sibling and I don’t openly talk about my mothers condition to friends and family because we want to protect her reputation as we come from a culture that frowns upon speaking ill of your parents…But it’s becoming a big burden now… I feel terribly guilty and ashamed even by the thought of it. But something needs to change if I have to break this cycle and protect my child from this…  Any advice or personal experiences would be really appreciated, thank you so much. 
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Dealing with opinion clashes/ value differences
Family & Caregivers / by Anxiouskitten23
Last post
 September 29th, 2024
...See more I’m married to a man from a different culture, we live an hour’s drive away from my husband’s family and are quite close to them. My husband’s parents are kind and supportive, although there is sometimes a clash in our ways of thinking/ opinions about lots of things, owing to cultural differences and the generational gap. Their communication style is more reserved and sugar coated while mine is more direct which causes me frustration as I’m constantly wondering how to share my opinions without coming across as rude or disrespectful. I’m anxious now as I’m going to stay with them for a while (on my own) due to house renovations and I’m afraid that I’ll either not share what I think due to fear of upsetting them or then bottle it all up and one day explode, causing tensions. How do I strike a balance and be respected/ heard without upsetting people?
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Husband’s female colleague sends him selfies and asks for lifts to the station after work
Relationship Stress / by Anxiouskitten23
Last post
 July 17th, 2023
...See more I’ve been with my husband for over two years now and we have a loving relationship. He’s a kind, sociable and helpful person and often goes out of his way to help others… He’s started a new job in January and immediately made friends, not surprisingly . One of his female colleagues who I’ve met a couple of times, seemed over friendly with him and referred to my husband as her work husband a few times in our first interaction.. I laughed it off at first, but then as time went by I started noticing a few things: It started with casual drinks every Friday after work and she brings him food, has lunch with him every single day, asks him to drop her off at the bus/ train station every other day… I spoke about this with my husband and he thinks I’m jealous/ overthinking it. Recently, I saw my husband messaging her on a Saturday, while we were out travelling for a friends wedding… and she had sent him updates in the form of selfies with her cat… I didn’t get this vibe from his other work friends and I try to keep my negative thoughts away… but I’m starting to feel like my husband keeps things from me and doesn’t tell me when he’s dropping her off / going out with her… I know there’s nothing wrong happening behind my back, but I don’t get the right vibes from this lady and I don’t know how to approach this with my husband again without coming across as jealous/ possesive 😒 maybe I am being jealous/ possesive and need to go out and have friends 😅 help!
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Worried about losing my identity after marriage
Relationship Stress / by Anxiouskitten23
Last post
 December 31st, 2022
...See more Two years ago, after ending an abusive marriage, I moved to a new country, ready to start a new chapter… I met somebody new and we’ve been together for a year and a half now. We’re about to get married next month, and I am so happy with him - he’s emotionally mature, supportive and is devoted to me. We come from two completely different cultures and countries, but manage to respect and embrace our difference… We’re two weeks away from the wedding and I’m finding myself nervous - nervous about taking his last name, scared I will lose my identity and independence. He sees us coming together as a family unit and looks at it as romantic, but I come from a patriarchal society where women are forced to take their husband’s last name, forced to lose their identity and adopt their husband’s identity and family.. My fiancé and his family are modern in every sense but believe in the traditional idea of family and I feel like there’s an expectation for me to take their last name while losing mine.. Why does this scare me so much ? I love him and want to marry him, I have no doubts. But the thought of changing my name, taking his surname and losing mine makes me anxious and feel out of control… I know he will still love me no matter what I decide to do, but I’m feeling very stressed about this amongst everything else…
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Really hurt- Is it cheating before you’re official?
Relationship Stress / by Anxiouskitten23
Last post
 June 4th, 2021
...See more I've been dating a guy for about 4 months now in lockdown which means mostly a lot of time indoors. The first couple of months we were not sure of where it was heading and I was taking my time to get to know him. I made it very clear initially however that I was having sex with him alone, and if he was sleeping with somebody else he should be honest about it considering the pandemic and related worries. During the first few months he would spend a lot of time with me and then "go home" for some me time. Which I thought was great so it gave us both space. But he would go incommunicado those days or just send a few texts telling me he was meeting his brother or his friends. Yesterday, I did something I shouldn't have and I snooped on his texts. And I found a curious thread which he had left unread. On opening it I found that he was meeting this woman and having sex with her in those initial few months of dating when he said he was meeting "friends " or his brother. I felt really cheated and hurt even though I know we were not official back then. He knew my stand on sex being exclusive and agreed to being honest. Lying about it has made it worse and now the trust is broken. Me having snooped on his phone was wrong too, but it means that there's no trust left. There were no texts to this woman after that day, but I'm just questioning everything.
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Hit by my husbands father and my husband
Relationship Stress / by Anxiouskitten23
Last post
 April 11th, 2021
...See more I got married 4 months ago and my husband and I have been living in our own apartment close to my in laws. Recently, my husband and I have been facing some issues because of the parents on both sides which we have been trying to sort. One afternoon, during an argument my husband called his father and the next thing I know his father was in our apartment. He asked what the problem was and when I answered he drove me into a corner and slapped me. After which my husband slapped me too.. I was so shocked that I froze and I remember being slapped multiple times. After the whole incident, my husband justified the action (along with a lame apology) and said I provoked them to do it because I was arrogant and rude. Should i consider separation or give him another chance ?
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Emotionally abusive ex wants to have sex to erase "bad memories"
Relationship Stress / by Anxiouskitten23
Last post
 August 10th, 2018
...See more I'm recovering from a toxic relationship that ended last year. I tried my best to make it work, but unfortunately I was the only one trying. I was emotionally vulnerable and one night after a round of drinks ended up having a threesome with my ex and his friend. At the time it seemed okay, I even asked my ex if he was totally cool with what was happening and he didnt object. It was decided that none of us would speak of it ever again. A few days later however, my ex started harassing me on texts accusing me of having an affair with his friend for a long time before the (Who was involved in the threesome) and blamed me for putting him through the trauma of making him watch his friend have sex with me! He blamed me for having orchestrated the threesome in order to get back at my ex for breaking up with me after promising to get married. He harassed me for over a week and that included threats to involve my family and his, suicide threats and host of abuses night after night. He said if it werent for the threesome, he would get back with me and marry me and that I am to blame for everything. Truth is, he had broken up with me and had no plans of getting back or getting married, despite having reached the stage of getting married. The threesome was mutual and nobody was forced. He was hurt maybe looking at his friend with me which is understandable but at no point did he stop me or ask to stop it. Its been more than 3 months since that incident, and he is still angry and hurt and blames me for everything. He is playing victim. I apologised for the sake of the relationship and to keep peace, but he said he would only get over it if i slept with him and helped restore his ego and erase the "terrible memory" of the threesome. He also shared the incident with two of his friends after promising not to tellnybody! Meanwhile, I found out that he has signed up on a matrimonial website and is actively looking for a girl to get married to (LOL) So when i confronted him about it he got angry and started abusing and blaming me again- and sent me pictures of potential matches and also said he had found plenty of girls who were much better than me. This really crushed me. I don't think I'm ready to see He knows I'm still recovering and hurting and unable to move on, but continues to blame me. He's playing mind games with me and is seeking revenge. I think his plan is to keep having sex with me and find somebody else in the meanwhile in order to get revenge. Cutting him off is something I've done multiple times but havn't been able to sustain it for long. I end up contacting him. I know i deserve better, but im moving in circles. I cant get out of this mess.
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