struggling through my first ever breakup.

there are no words to accurately portray the incredibly fast roller coaster of emotions that i've been through in just the last few months. I went from being terrified of love, to falling in love, to rejecting my own feelings, to facing my fear and letting myself openly love, to now accepting that the timing for us just wasn't right.

my love has gone missing. it's a long story I might write about another time, but for now, he's unable to love, and all I can do is accept the reality of the present moment. I can try to move on, but I just can't make myself forget about everything that was once mine, every little moment of sweetness that I once shared with him throughout all the days. i'm tired of hearing so many people talk about an instant glow-up right after a breakup and moving on overnight. that's not how I want to process this breakup. I want to honor, and remember every little detail of this beautiful experience.

these things, these romantic and vulnerable things never happened to me often. he was my entryway into becoming familiar with unconditional love, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to look back fondly on our connection, rather than shame or judge myself for not moving on quicker, or try to find reasons why it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it wasn't meant to be right now, maybe once things are better for us it'll be meant to be, and maybe it never will. No one can predict that, so I'd rather not even spend any of my time trying to find a logical explanation to this or create some sort of timeline. I don't want any of that. I just want to share the love I had and still have for him. I want to openly and unashamedly share the time we spent together. 

It wasn't time wasted, it wasn't anything to regret, it was an experience I hope I always remember. I know he doesn't see himself the way I see him, but wherever he is right now, I hope he can feel the deep love I'll always carry in my heart for him. I hope it can bring some light into his life. He is such a wonderful person and I just really wish for him to feel that way about himself someday. He deserves way more than he believes he does. He has such a beautiful soul. I feel extremely lucky that I ever got to even know that he exists. And especially to have built something so special with him. My heart is hurting both for him and for his current absence in my life. 

Everything feels different without him. It's as if his spirit remained in every place that reminds me of him. It's like he's still here with me, like he never left. I look at myself in the mirror and I can see him standing beside me. Every sound, every object, looks, sounds, and feels suddenly loud and bold. He has a gentle and calming nature, yet his presence was potent enough to make everything else in the room disappear. Without him, it's like I'm coming back down from a cloud where time stood still just for us. I look back and it's like it all happened in a flash, but I could swear time had stopped whenever we were together.

Not talking to him every day is very strange. How easily we connected and how naturally we could hold conversations, is something that will always be so special to me. Even in spite of our differences, we could talk as if we'd known each other our whole entire lives. Perhaps he was someone important in a past life. All I know is I'm grateful that I get to be alive at the same time he is. I will always love him, for the great, childlike joy and wonder that he brought into my life. I'm so lucky that this was my first experience in love. 

Thank you endlessly for all that you made me realize. Thank you for making me remember what it's like to feel so strongly again. May I always look back on our history with love and bliss.