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bandaidbear
492 M Embraced 4
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts59 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes23 Current upvotes23 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceMarch 27, 2024
Bio

22 | ♍︎ | she/her

Unlearning negative patterns and breaking free from toxic parenting and relationships, for myself and for the people I love. Interested in DBT, being more present in my body, and any other coping skills that'll help. I've been in talk therapy for the last 7+ years, and have been medicated for depression/anxiety for 4 years, and open to talking about it if you'd like to chat.


Recent forum posts
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Botched self care day
Family & Caregivers / by bandaidbear
Last post
 July 23rd
...See more I can't tell if this is normal or not. I'm ever so slightly tipsy and on mobile while writing this, so bear with me. I just finished my third week of my first full-time job out of college. I work from 7am-6pm, 6 days a week. I am currently living with my parents. Today is Saturday, and I've been having a rough time, so I wanted to have a self care day. About two weeks ago, I got into a fight with my parents because I wanted to visit my friends for their graduation, which falls on Mother's Day, so I wouldn't be able to celebrate with my parents and grandmother. I offered to make it up to them by taking them out to a meal after I got back, but they turned me down. In the fight they brought up that I ruined last Mother's Day because it was my graduation and I still hadn't finished packing up my dorm room so I made it miserable for everybody. I still plan to write my mom and grandmother cards and have the restaurant surprise them with the cards on Mother's Day when they go for brunch. My parents are still upset about this and I also recently got abruptly/rudely broken up with. My parents know nothing about the breakup. Please don't suggest to me to tell them about it, it's better for my mental health to keep my personal life private from them because their comments are often rude and disparaging. For my self care day, I wanted to pack some snacks, a mixed drink, and a book, and take an edible and go for a short hike and have a picnic. I even had a cute little outfit planned. This morning I asked my mom if I could borrow a bag she hasn't used in a few years because I was going on this hike, and she said yes. I was pretty much done packing and getting dressed when my dad texted me to ask if I wanted to make some cupcakes since my mom couldn't do it because she was currently doing laundry. I walked over to the room where he was watching TV and said that I was about to go on a hike (I was bustling around the house all morning to get ready and he saw me doing this) and I asked if I could do it tomorrow when I got back from work or the next day when I got back from work. He said that was okay, but he seemed a little upset and his tone made me uncomfortable, but I kept getting ready anyway. I had my bedroom door closed because I was finishing getting dressed and I heard him saying to my mom that he was "dumbfounded" by the way I was acting. My mom said that after the fight we had, nothing really surprises her anymore. I had a bunch of feelings at this point. Guilty because I was upsetting/disappointing them, sad that they were talking about me behind my back/that my dad didn't communicate with me what was actually going on, confused as to whether I should even go or not, and slightly angry that this was putting a damper on my self care day that I had been looking forward to. When I opened my bedroom door to leave, both my parents told me to have fun and be safe. That made me feel even worse and more confused. I decided not to take any edibles, because I kinda need to be at the top of my game to deal with their mind games, and because I didn't want to waste it on a time that I was this upset. My parents also know nothing about my substances, and I don't plan on telling them. I didn't go on the hike that I planned or wear the cute outfit I wanted, I just walked until I found a bench, sat down and chugged my drink, and took everything out of my bag to dry because some of it had spilled. I passed a water fountain on the way here so I'll get some water on the way back. As I was walking, I was thinking of how I can plan things better to avoid them getting upset at me for something like this. But I was also thinking that I don't want to learn their stupid doublespeak language, and I want to be able to do things and live my life. Every day I wonder more and more why they decided to have a kid. I texted my best friend what happened as soon as I left the house, but I want more input. The timer on my phone just rang, so I've been out for an hour, and now I'm gonna go back and tell them that the hike didn't take as long as I thought and I'll make the cupcakes now. Is this normal? I can't tell if I'm doing something wrong, and I don't know how to fix it. And I don't know if I should try to fix it because usually if I course-correct too quickly, they get mad at me (probably because they think it's not genuine?). I really can't understand how their minds work, and in my stronger moments I don't ever want to. But I just need some way to keep the peace while retaining my sanity.
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How to get the energy to cry?
Depression Support / by bandaidbear
Last post
 April 15th
...See more Today I called one of my friends and ended up crying. I was in a study room at the library and cleaned myself up enough to walk out to my car and keep crying for a bit. I know I needed it, I don't really have the privacy to cry in my house so my feelings have been bottled up for a while. Lately when I do get the opportunity to cry, it feels like I run out of steam almost immediately. I'll cry for maybe 5-10 minutes, and then my body is just too physically exhausted to continue, but emotionally I feel like crying more. When this happens, I sit around for a bit (basically until I get bored) and then go for a walk/drive or take a nap. Those things really make me feel refreshed, but I still feel like I have emotions inside that I need to get out. I feel like I don't really get anything from crying in these small fits and starts, it just brings all the emotions to the surface and then I can't find a way to let go of them so I sit around feeling bad. How can I just have a good cry?
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Anyone else get "shake attacks"?
Anxiety Support / by bandaidbear
Last post
 March 28th
...See more Sometimes when I'm feeling upset or overwhelmed, I just feel this need to shake all my limbs. My arms usually, but when it gets really bad, it's my legs too. It's not like shivering or a tremor, it's like I have to shake and flail around. When it's just my hands, it looks like jazz hands I guess. And I shake my arms like I'm trying to get a spiderweb off. The one time I can remember that my legs shook, I was laying down in bed and I would kick my legs really fast, like trying to shake something off. The urge to shake usually subsides after a minute or so, and depending on how I'm feeling usually I just lay there and cry afterwards. It's distressing because it always happens when I'm feeling my absolute worst and I can't control it, and I don't have a name for it. I don't think it's just stimming. Is this part of a panic attack? Does anyone else get this?
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