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struggling through my first ever breakup.

peaceandblessings April 13th

there are no words to accurately portray the incredibly fast roller coaster of emotions that i've been through in just the last few months. I went from being terrified of love, to falling in love, to rejecting my own feelings, to facing my fear and letting myself openly love, to now accepting that the timing for us just wasn't right.

my love has gone missing. it's a long story I might write about another time, but for now, he's unable to love, and all I can do is accept the reality of the present moment. I can try to move on, but I just can't make myself forget about everything that was once mine, every little moment of sweetness that I once shared with him throughout all the days. i'm tired of hearing so many people talk about an instant glow-up right after a breakup and moving on overnight. that's not how I want to process this breakup. I want to honor, and remember every little detail of this beautiful experience.

these things, these romantic and vulnerable things never happened to me often. he was my entryway into becoming familiar with unconditional love, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to look back fondly on our connection, rather than shame or judge myself for not moving on quicker, or try to find reasons why it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it wasn't meant to be right now, maybe once things are better for us it'll be meant to be, and maybe it never will. No one can predict that, so I'd rather not even spend any of my time trying to find a logical explanation to this or create some sort of timeline. I don't want any of that. I just want to share the love I had and still have for him. I want to openly and unashamedly share the time we spent together. 

It wasn't time wasted, it wasn't anything to regret, it was an experience I hope I always remember. I know he doesn't see himself the way I see him, but wherever he is right now, I hope he can feel the deep love I'll always carry in my heart for him. I hope it can bring some light into his life. He is such a wonderful person and I just really wish for him to feel that way about himself someday. He deserves way more than he believes he does. He has such a beautiful soul. I feel extremely lucky that I ever got to even know that he exists. And especially to have built something so special with him. My heart is hurting both for him and for his current absence in my life. 

Everything feels different without him. It's as if his spirit remained in every place that reminds me of him. It's like he's still here with me, like he never left. I look at myself in the mirror and I can see him standing beside me. Every sound, every object, looks, sounds, and feels suddenly loud and bold. He has a gentle and calming nature, yet his presence was potent enough to make everything else in the room disappear. Without him, it's like I'm coming back down from a cloud where time stood still just for us. I look back and it's like it all happened in a flash, but I could swear time had stopped whenever we were together.

Not talking to him every day is very strange. How easily we connected and how naturally we could hold conversations, is something that will always be so special to me. Even in spite of our differences, we could talk as if we'd known each other our whole entire lives. Perhaps he was someone important in a past life. All I know is I'm grateful that I get to be alive at the same time he is. I will always love him, for the great, childlike joy and wonder that he brought into my life. I'm so lucky that this was my first experience in love. 

Thank you endlessly for all that you made me realize. Thank you for making me remember what it's like to feel so strongly again. May I always look back on our history with love and bliss.


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iPHOENIX April 13th

@peaceandblessings

Your emotional journey is truly profound, and your ability to articulate it with such raw honesty is deeply moving. It's clear that these experiences have left an indelible mark on your heart. While I can't fully grasp the unique depth of your feelings, I empathize with the pain of losing someone dear to you, whether through a mutual breakup or any other circumstance. The void left behind by such a loss can indeed feel overwhelming, and attempting to navigate through it can be incredibly challenging.

Understanding the reasons behind a breakup is essential for growth and healing, even though it may be difficult to accept at times. It's crucial to acknowledge that holding onto a relationship solely for the sake of it isn't healthy for either party involved. Moving forward, honoring the lessons learned and the memories shared can be a source of strength and solace.

I'm truly sorry that you're going through such a tough time. Please know that you're not alone; there are people here who care and are willing to support you through this journey. Sharing your thoughts and feelings, as you've bravely done, is a significant step towards healing. If you ever need someone to listen or a shoulder to lean on, please don't hesitate to reach out. Your courage in opening up is commendable, and I'm here to offer whatever support I can.

3 replies
peaceandblessings OP April 13th

@iPHOENIX Hey phoenix, thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate your compassion and understanding. The void left behind is indeed incredibly overwhelming. my partner made me feel so seen, he gets me more than anyone I've ever known. He was my first love. He means the world to me. I do understand why things between us came to an end, and i've accepted it already. it's just moving on and trying to let him go is extremely difficult. I know that it's what I have to do but deep down, I don't want to. and unfortunately I can be the most stubborn person in the world. I don't think there's anything that can convince me right now to move on. anyway, thank you for reading my whole post and for leaving such a supportive comment. it's comforting to know there are people like you who are caring and willing to lend an ear. 

2 replies
iPHOENIX April 13th

@peaceandblessings

I don't believe your stubbornness has anything to do with it; your feelings are entirely valid. Moving on isn't easy in any circumstance, (even whether the relationship was toxic or if you were the one to end it.) Please understand that it's okay to take your time. What matters most is taking small steps forward, even if it's just trying.

1 reply
peaceandblessings OP April 13th

@iPHOENIX thanks phoenix <3 i have been trying to make the smallest possible step in moving on, but i dont think i'll ever not care about him. he's a great person, things just couldn't work out right now. but i'll always hold a place in my heart for him.

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bandaidbear April 15th

this is really strong and i have mad respect for you for articulating all this and being big enough to go through the situation with such grace <3 i'm in between feeling like this and going through the grief process (mostly anger right now). a quote that's keeping me going is "no love, however brief, is wasted." i'm here if you ever want to chat, and i'm sending love and support your way

3 replies
peaceandblessings OP April 21st

@bandaidbear aw thank you bandaidbear <3 not going to lie today's been a very rough day. the last couple of days I wasn't thinking of him as often and the situation hadn't affected me as much as when it happened, but for some reason I'm overcome with a wave of emotions tonight. I keep thinking of how he loved my laugh and how he'd miss hearing me when we didn't talk all day. how could he suddenly not love me anymore? how could I suddenly not matter anymore? he'd treat me like the light of his life. I was there for him in the darkest moments and he was there for mine, does none of this matter to him anymore? it's confusing. I've been wondering if I just wasn't funny enough, pretty enough? was my personality just not enough? the separation is so painful. but I really am trying to be forgiving and understanding, and follow through with grace. im sending you comfort and love too, hope you get over the grieving process okay, we're going to be okay ! (p.s. I love your pfp lmaooo)

2 replies
bandaidbear April 21st

@peaceandblessings there are good days and bad days that come in waves, and sometimes nights are just really hard! i'm right there with you. you took the words right out of my head, all the thoughts of "what changed?/why doesn't he love me anymore?/did all of it mean nothing to him?/am i not pretty/smart/helpful/kind/(insert literally anything here) enough?" i'm in touch with the confusion, it leaves you picking apart everything. the simple fact that you're being so understanding and rational about this shows that you have a lot of wisdom and strength. you deserve someone who will love you with the same intensity that you love them, and you'll never be too much for the right person. we ARE going to be okay! (and haha thank you 😊)

1 reply
peaceandblessings OP April 21st

exactly, this grieving process is full of waves. i’m left wondering sometimes if i just imagined it all, like was this actually real? did this really happen? it’s like it all happened in the blink of an eye when i think about the whole relationship. it’s very shocking. but yeah we’ll be fine, someone else will come along and sweep us our feet once again when we least expect it!

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JJ1974 April 16th

@peaceandblessings He is in your past and you are in the present and the future. You deserve to be free in your heart from him, and let it be just part of your memory. This is what I am telling myself and I have similar experience as you. I know a guy who let a girl go for various reasons and hold her in his heart. The girl went on and marry & have children, but 20 years later the guy is still single and miserable. He cross my path and his is not open for love because he is stuck in the past. YOU deserve to be loved ALL the way, your heart yearns to be committed to and rightly so. 

1 reply
peaceandblessings OP April 21st

@JJ1974 that is so kind of you, JJ <3 I'm happy that the girl who got her heart broken ended up in a happy, thriving relationship. just like her ex regrets and feels stuck in the past, I have no doubt mine will be that way too.. lol, i definitely won't close myself off if another opportunity comes my way. I deserve to be loved wholly and so do you !

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Imissit5567 April 17th

It’s cooked but I went through something similar and then it just got worse afterwards

1 reply
peaceandblessings OP April 21st

@Imissit5567 sorry to hear that :( sending you love and luck

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