feeling so confused...needing some advice
My husband and I seperated 3 weeks ago. I'm not sure if I want to repair and pursue our relationship in the long run, and I am confused with the feelings that I have. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away from this relationship as fast as I can, and sometimes I find myself missing my husband and all of the positive things I love about him. Most of all I am lonely and under so much pressure to take care of my home, bills, kids (when I have them), and struggling with my mental health problems completely on my own. My husband is very hard to read and is not one to open up easily, especially since we've hurt eachother so badly. I want to ask him if he still has feelings for me and if he wants to work on the marriage, but in seperate spaces (we absolutely do not get along living together right now). If he told me how he felt, I would feel a little more grounded. If he still cared then I would put some effort into repairing the damage. If he doesn't then I can reserve my energy for other things and disengage romantically to ease the pain of losing him. I want to reach out, but I am worried that my feelings will change in the future, and I will realize I want to move on, and then I will feel like I strung him along. I want him to be happy too, with or without me. Should I tell him how I feel? This confusion is driving me insane!
@nania7707nx
Your feelings are mixed, and complicated. Please know that this is normal. It sounds like you want to possibly try to work on your marriage, but you're having a hard time figuring out where your husband is at. Did his lack of openness contribute to the problems that have developed? Good communication and a willingness to respect your partner's feelings are fundamental to any happy, functional relationship. You sound hesitant to ask him about his feelings, but if you don't, will he ever tell you? I wonder if writing down what you want to say would be a good start. Sometimes, with complex emotions it helps us to write in order to collect our thoughts. If he does open up, and if he does decide he wants to try and change, you still have to decide if that's what you want. If it is, an experienced marriage and family therapist may be able to help you guys sort things out. They can't soilve your problems, but a good one can help you understand and communicate your needs to each other.
Kids, job, shared property--these things all make it more complicated. Just know that you don't have to figure everything out right away. You know you need to live seperately to get along. You know you still have feelings for him, and you know what things you need. This is a really great start. No one wants to be separated forever, but some couples do it for years with no problem. Also, some marriages end in friendship, but usually only after some of their problems are worked out. Between the polar opposites of marriage and divorce, there are many ways to be in a healthy relationship with someone. Time and space are your allies.
The main thing right now is finding alternative ways to get your needs met, and also avoid being hurt further. Doing those things will make you stronger and better equipped to figure out what you want, moving forward. I'm going to take a wild guess that some of your needs have gone unmet for a long time, chief among them, your need to be understood, and your need to understand what's going on. It's very hard to be emotionally open and honest and not have that reciprocated by your partner. It signals insecurity, a lack of trust, and a fear of facing their own feelings. Even married people have a right to have private thoughts and feelings, but you also have a right to honest answers about his feelings for you, and for your relationship. Those things should not be secrets.
I hope this helps. Please do something nice for yourself this weekend.
Kindly,
SC
@SensibleCentaur
That was wonderfully put! Thank you very much for the advice. My husband and I struggle with communication, obviously. I am a mover, expressive, and I want to figure things out right away. Sometimes the more time I have to think, the more confused I get. This quality in me also can make my decisions rash or emotional, when what I really need is time to just calm things down. My husband rarely communicates how he feels, and he answers questions slowly. He has a calm and cool demeanor that I like. Our therapist said these polar opposites attracted us to eachother.
We have gone through therapy, and seperated multiple times. I was very unhealthy for a very long time and I did things that were toxic to the relationship so I sought help. He stood by me through a lot, but he has another side to him. He can really lose his temper and he has a need for control, which gets worse when he's under pressure. One of our good friends became depressed last year and came to us for help. Six weeks later he committed suicide. He was one of my husband's best friends, and I think it really effected my husband. He never showed any emotion, and I judged him for that.
It sounds sad, but I feel like I'm stuck until I know how he feels. I wish I knew how I felt, and make a decision based on that, but I am totally confused. Your answer gave me some insight, though, and I feel like I have a little more direction as far as my feelings are concerned. Thank you again.
@nania7707nx
It's not sad that you want to stand by him until he wants to sort things out. It's noble; it's loving. But I hear you negatively judging yourself in the background. You both made mistakes and hurt each other, as so many couples often do. Perhaps those opposite qualities will end up helping you both--but only if you can find away to bolster each others' weaknesses with your strengths. It may be possible. I have heard it said that good communication is "everything" in a relationship. That's not true, but it counts for quite a bit, and you need it in order to grow together. What your husband is going through is rough, and how he expresses or withholds his experience of that pain is valid. But your need to feel safe, understood, and to understand if you have a future are equally valid. The former does not negate the latter. You are kind and wise to give him some space, but if and when you reach a point where you need more than silence from him, do not fault yourself for that. We are all emotionally unavailable when we are in pain, but there is a balance. I learned the hard way that when my partner "needed more time" to figure herself out, it was actually just code for refusing to admit or discuss her feelings--ever. So know your limits and do not apologize for or feel guilty for your need to know, when it arises. Some of us need to know. That's just how we're built. Can you tell I'm a little biased? ;)
Best,
SC
@SensibleCentaur
lol. I feel your pain...:)
I reached out to him on the phone, and he said he wants to keep things open, but he's not thinking about that right now. He said if we didn't have all the issues then we'd be together right now. I told him I still loved him, I told him I still cared. I aked if he felt that way about me, and he said 'yeah.'
The struggle is real SC! lol
He finished the conversation with calmly asking me if I was doing any drugs this past three weeks, since he needed to know b/c I have the kids half the time (I'm not btw - I haven't used street drugs in over a year). I take a low dose of prescribed drugs and I drink 3-5 drinks at night, and I am struggling with this issue and shameful of it too. I answered honestly and I believe he has the right to ask that, but it really hurts when he is so calous about it and how little faith he has in me. He makes me feel worthless and crazy a lot. I must be crazy to keep going on like this...
sigh, oh well. Just hanging in there. Thanks for responding. :)
@nania7707nx
Is someone who is callous and makes you feel worthless and crazy worth sticking around for? Sometimes, we've been in a relationship so long we can't see any other way--or we feel we're not worth it, because we devalue ourselves. When our partners also devalue us, it only seems to confirm our low self opinion, so we never think that we deserve better or could do better or that it's selish to want or need something else. People told me all the time that my first girlfriend was "so hot you'll never do better than her, you're so lucky," and I believed it. I also believed I deserved all of her abuse. After all, that was just the price an ugly guy had to pay to be with a hot girl. It seems vain, I know, but we all want to feel attractive, wanted, needed. My last girlfriend was also pretty on the outside, and she was nice to me and went through the motions of caring about me once in a while. But most of the time if she wasn't accusing me of things or berating me, she just wanted me to read her to sleep and tell her how perfect she was. It was lopsided, and I gave more than I ever got in return, in every way. She rarely put my needs first, or was willing to compromise, and even to this day she blames me for her own bad habits like failing to get to bed on time. Can you really forge a viable future with people like that? With someone who exploits and belittles your weaknesses rather than comforts and supports you? Hard questions, I know. I came very close, just now, to saying something mean about your hubby, but I refrained. I have also learned through the years that some people, and some couples, thrive on drama, and if you take it away, they stagnate or get bored. I can't relate to that.
You're worth better than this. You deserve better than this, but do you want better than this? And do you know your worth, and do you feel you deserve better? More hard questions.
This centaur wishes you well.
I've moved this to Breakups and Divorce.