Struggling a year after breakup even though I've moved on.
Hey all this is my first post here so bare with me.
Basically I've had a bit if a rollercoaster 18 months or so. In May 2015 i separated from my wife having been together from school and lasted 16 years. Im now 32 have 2 children also. The split was fine and no real issues with this.
However 3 months later i met someone and it lasted 6 months before she ended it in Feb 2016. I was shocked and devastated and its really been like a first broken heart for me. I think she just lost feelings and it wasn't right for her plus she wanted more kids and I can't anymore. The first few months were tough and i rebounded which didnt help.
Anyway after a few months free i met someone in sept 2016 who i am still going strong 5 months later. She's a much better fit for me, very attractive, a kind heart and we still can talk to each other all night. I am also involved with her 3 children and they are great and we are talking of living together soon.
My problem is i seem to keep relapsing and having thoughts about this previous ex and attempting to reconcile when i know its highly unlikely to work plus i have someone better already. My head knows im in the right place but i can't seem to stop obsessive thoughts of how the ex is doing, how she feels and what it would be like uf i spoke to her. Very messed up when I've got someone better right now but the problem is I've not felt myself or happy since that breakup almost a year ago.
I feel i should have completely forgotten about her and moved on by now. I've had spells where its better and i am more accepting that its done but then i seem to relapse into other periods of wanting to fix an old wound thinking it would be different know as i have learnt lots from the last 12 months.
I just dont want to make a stupid mistake and let my thoughts win when i know they are serving no good and i should be giving gratitude for my present situation.
@lukesblues84
Where do you think you could get intelligent talk to get you to come to the conclusion of what you want? What you've been through is quite difficult! You probably know how much & what kind of assistance you need. I began with two 1-hour sessions as an out patient. If I had it to do again, I would have checked in. (I'm not suggesting this is the choice for you!) Fifteen years later, I just ended therapy. I'll be the first to admit if it was premature.
You have your hands full. Be strong.
Thanks @JeffWM I have been to a local doctors a few weeks back to talk about these thoughts and moods that seems to be effecting me over the previous relationship and i am waiting to have some counseling which i am hoping will help. It's just difficult when i think i am making good progress and my thoughts of the ex are fading and not effecting me and then a sudden relapse. This relapse was probably because i saw a picture of her last week.
Maybe one of my issues is when something is broke that i care about i tend to want to always fix it and in some instances that is not a good idea. If my self-esteem and dignity was intact i would be happy to walk away and treat it as her loss which in truth it is. I was good to her and treated her well and we rarely had issues. It was more compatability problems and not good timing if i am honest. Half of me wants to contact her and meet to clear the air talks but at the same time i feel thats not fair on my current partner who is better for me. Maybe i've put myself in this position by meeting someone when it looks like i had more work to do internally.
@lukesblues84
Too often people get involved with people who have a 'train wreck' personality because they think that saving the day is the relationship. I am guilty of that. Fixing other people's problems isn't my job. I can only change my behavior. (I wish I could get that from my head to my heart.)
Be well and good luck with therapy.
@JeffWM Think you hit the nail on the head really. Sounds unrequited love when only one of you really wants it but you cant force or control another's felings and cant fix people. I must let this pass and enjoy the new relationship i am in with someone who is much better and shows appreciation. I am lucky i can discuss personal issues with her and she is v understanding. This is my first experience of having to let go if something that hurt. I think maybe acceptance has been my biggest problem but im battling on. Thanks for the support 👍
@lukesblues84
To me, it seems like we are 'fed' the idea that a relationship will complete you. I think this idea is rubbish. You need to be complete first. You also have to not be afraid to be with your own thoughts. I'm not saying anyone should do this to the exclusion of any type of relationship. I just think it is helpful if people bring those attributes to the table and understand that a good relationship is a constant effort. That's not to say it's not wonderful & beneficial! It's just one of those things that people who work hard at achieving, make look simple. "Just peel, mash, and mix those 45 ingredients for 5 seconds to an hour, light a match and <poof> you'll be feeding the entire fire department in no time!"
@JeffWM very good way of putting it. Like we crave a relationship but the fact is nobody can really make u happy. You have to be happy in yourself and complete on your own. A relationship should compliment existing life. We live and learn
@lukesblues84
I only had to bang my head on the wall repeatedly for 20 years to realize-- Darn! That hurts! I'm going to stop banging my head on the wall. ;)
@lukesblues84
I've been there. It's kind of something I never would have known the answer to without going back. What are your options? I feel like you can either try to forget about this person or go back? Is it a battle between brain and heart?
