Starting over again with no social circle and no idea where to start
Hi All, I posted to newbie post and recieved a number of replies from others in the exact same position. As we are chatting back and forth, I have decided to start a thread, not for thoughts but for support for those in the same boat.
So, I'm 44, out of a 20 year relationship with a total narricist who did his best, but ultimatley failed to break me. While I wanted out for years, I find that I am totally isolated, living miles from family and no friends close by. Friends I do have are married with families and I realise I need another social circle for the new me without my big lump of a burden holding me back.... I have days I regret getting out because of loneliness, but I know that my life is better out and will be better the more I try. That's what I've figured out, life is not coming to me, I've got to take a deep breath and TRY, put myself out there and trust myself that I am good enough.
This thread is for men and women, if you got out but now are floating aimlessly, we will do out best to keep your chin up on down days and pull from your strenght on positive days :) The hardest part is over, it WILL get easier, just don't stop trying and don't lock yourself away. :)
Linking you all in as you have identified already. If you want to be involved, if you want a rant, if you want a kind word or some positive words, we can all be of support to each other. (otherwise, tell me to feck off, lol, no offence taken*()
https://www.7cups.com/@feelitinyourbones
https://www.7cups.com/@laurenfay
https://www.7cups.com/@Noyzecat
https://www.7cups.com/@derangedlunatech
https://www.7cups.com/@sunnyZebra2336
https://www.7cups.com/@sincereKitten4103
https://www.7cups.com/@understandingStrings176
Yasss!!! I love this kitty! Youre awesome for thinking of it 👍👍👍
@kitty54
@understandingStrings176 we all started this, no quitters here, but strugglers, helpers and winners (depending on the day and mood lol)
@kitty54
Hope you're still here, ... We all kinda took a break or something 😏
Anyway, just having a hard time today! Feel like everytime I start to feel good about myself, things happen to bring me down again,... It's been like a rollercoaster, up and down , I wish I could get to the point where my confidence in myself is more leveled and stable. It sucks to not have anyone to talk to about my feelings on a daily basis, just work ( with people who I don't connect with), and then home alone again,.. sleep and repeat 😔🙁
Seriously have no plan for my future, just not my past anymore, thank God!!!
Starting from ground zero at my age sucks 😒 just saying!!!
Hope you haven't lost your positive enthusiasm, is your self confidence ever unstable like mine seems to be?
@laurenfay and believe me, unstable, yes I am totally, but I've still got the will and ability to bat for everyone else but me, hence therapy...lol..... your not on your own :)
@kitty54
Thanks so much for your encouragement 😄
Baggage, yes!! But not just with my soon to be ex, but I'm dealing with setting personal boundaries with my own sisters who have also been emotional abusive with passive agressive treatment of me for years 😒. It's hard to be positive and open to new people I meet when I have been hurt so much by the people who have claimed to love me, so I am battling with when to say "no" and when to say "yes" 😕 very confusing and frustrating!!!
Beginning to question weither I will be able to trust anyone again, with only a few people in my life who show genuine support for me , it's hard to keep my chin up and move forward 😏
But I DO feel genuine support here in this thread!!!
So thanks 😊🤗
I admire how you can help others, even when you need help yourself, but I have been hurt by that selfless giving before and I guess I am alittle gun shy still 😏
@laurenfay, crikey, you have so much going on... one of my sisters is very abusive, all my life. My therapist seems to think she paved the way for me in my choices. However, the first long term relationship I had was with a real man, a kind man, he showed me what love was. We would never have worked, but I know there are good people out there and there are men out there. My sister who was abusive, I cut out of my life 10 years ago, for my own sanity. In turn, I had to sacrifice my relationship with her kids (total narricist behaviour) but that was the best choice for all at the time. Are you getting counselling? if not, consider it, even using a free service via an abused womens centre. You may find you have to make decisions for yourself and your child only, and that may mean removing more baggage than your ex from your life. This may only be temporary, but you are in a zone where you have to recover, learn your boundries and you can't do that if have toxic people around you. You need to do things for yourself, start small. A long bath with candles and chocolate.... wander around the shops for nothing other than to dawdle and chill, buy yourself a bunch of flowers. Even keep a diary. I did for the first few weeks and then it went to pot. but now when I read it back, I can see how far I've come and how desperatly hopelss I was in the begining. I have my moments but it is not like with like at all. You need to be selfish now, in order for you to heal and get yourself to where you can put boundries in place. dont' feel bad for putting space between you and any person or thing which you feel is causing you anxiety, sadness or stress. small steps, you will get there :)
@laurenfay and you have put yoruself out here like me, you are giving great sound advice and support to me and others. So instead of noting that I am doing it, your first small step is to acknowledge you are supporting others who are suffering, while you are suffering..... you need to start giving yourself credit, notice what you are doing and from that, confidence will build. Also, have you www.meetup.com in your country, it's in most countries. They have groups of people who want to meet up for social days, likeminded talks, support networks for seperated people, play board games, anything.... have a look and see, you are not the only person in your space suffering, you just need to find that support network :)
@kitty54
This is an awesome idea 😀😃
Thanks 😊
@laurenfay we are in this together, we'll get through it together.... first dates, first kisses, big rants, little rants, reaching true independance, doing it alone and loving it.... we'll get through it all with the help of those who know, US..... Sure in a few years when were a force to be reckoned with, we will do a reunion of the lost souls who not only found themselves, but kicked ass while doing so and are now killing it....BOOM. lol....
@kitty54
Boom yeah😉😂😁!👊
Dya know, very soon, we will conquer this. we can do it..... If we did crap relationships and taking the knocks for idiots, we can surely survive with only ourselves to look after and love. It is learning to love ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect and dignity. to know you do deserve a facial, a massage, a walk in the park, a dawdle around the town, a coffee watching life go by... It is getting to the stage of believing we deserve it, that is the journey we are on. so delighted for the positive responses. We deserve this, it is OUR time. We WILL eventually believe this, it will eventually be normal. And then we will be the gurus for the fortunate souls coming behind us, pushing them forward. But for now, it is out turn for self love, self care and support from each other. Hugs XXX
@kitty54
Women are so precious that I wonder why there are so many lowly men to create so many dissappointments...
@feelitinyourbones, yeah, quite often it is in childhood that our self depravation begins without knowledge. but one thing for sure is women are strong, like holy jeasus, strong..... no matter how low they go, they tend to rise against all odds.
that goes for men also, lows are lows. strenght is strengt and it is breathtaking to see the rise of the broken.
there are selfish men and women out there, programmed to take. I really think that 80% really are just greedy and selfish, but there are others who make a career out of being the victim and/or manulpating others for self gain, the big con. and for them, shame on you and here, have my shame as well....lol....
@kitty54
Totally agree with you!!
So many people out there are "out for what they can get " from others, manipulation is so common. It takes a lot of guts and inner strength to be able to see that, so you are SO right, ( and so supportive) in saying that I should take more credit for myself and how far I have come!!
Thank you for your genuine support!! 🤗
Self love is so hard, 😏
Hey, I also had a terrible experience with a narcissist and am struggling to rebuilt my life. My heart goes out to you I know how awful it is. In his case he discarded me in a very cruel and humiliating way, and I am really struggling with self conifdence since then, whilst dealing with the legal issues too.
I hope we all can be some support to each other- Lucy
@frankNest6700
So sorry for you, sounds like you experienced a horrible situation, but you are so brave to get out of it !! Be proud of yourself !!! Even if you feel lonely, you are free from the patterns of abuse!! You are worth it!
"Your true self is always shining and free!"
No one can take that away from you, say that to your self in the mirror every day!!
🤗👍
@laurenfay Hi Lauren, your reply means so much to me.
I feel so much respect for those of you who left the person who was mistreating you. For me, I realise now that threats to leave coupled with reconciliatory gestures/ gifts/ outright lies had me totally confused and lacking in confidence by the time things fell apart.
If anyone has any particular books etc that helped them i like to read too. I read "Narcissitic Lovers, how to cope and move on' and it was good. I am trying to work on those parts of myself that are drawn to be a 'healer' for a troubled person, hoping i won't make these mistakes again.
@frankNest6700, hey Lucy, your talking about it. That means your winning, even if it doesn't feel like it. The biggest sense of shame I felt was the things I was hiding from everyone for years. Im learning that this is not my shame to carry. it's a journey we are now on. Try to think where you would like to be in 3 years and focus on it. Now, how do we get you there??? 😁
@kitty54
Good advise!! Up until 3 months ago my only goal was to get out, separation was a huge hurdle for me ( difficult financial issues and of course keeping my daughter's happiness in mind too)
So for the last 3 months I have been trying to figure out what my next goal is, and I have no idea! 😕
I wish I could focus on something !! I feel better than before, but still so lost and confused, because I lost myself in my horrible marriage, lm not sure who I am or what I want to do with my life. Some of the things that I want to do, I can't do because of schedule/financial/location issue s.
Moving out and starting over is not easy!
But way better than before!!!!
@laurenfay , are you only 3 months out of your relationship? Wow, you are way ahead of me, it took me about 5 months to start looking for help. give yourself full credit. your absolutley right. I know when I was trying to get through it on my own, I was in a hole and I could see nothing. But once I started talking honestly to friends, including everyone here, I found that I had hope. So long as there is hope and you can see a light you are on the right track. Keep talking, keep smiling, even when you don't want to. there is a lot of truth to the saying fake it till you make it. You are fabulous, you've come this far. things will start to fall into place. This is what I keep telling myself.
@kitty54
Isn't it amazing how when another person treats us like dirt, we are the ones who end up feeling shame? Seems like a cruel trick. I really hope there is a better road out there for us all.
@frankNest6700, 100% agree, but I am now of the thinking that those who feel are those who have empathy, love and warmth. As such, it is a natural thing to protect others, even those who may be using and even abusing us.... we are our own worst critics and we have to stop. If you came to me, I would tell you, do NOT feel shame because of another persons actions, it was not your fault, you had no part in their decision. But then I will berate myself for doing the same. Self love and self compassion has to be learned by us so you can treat yourself with the same kindness as you would me. It's a journey and I'm starting to love it. (apart from yesterday, I had a crap day yesterday and I will have those, but today, we are owning it and we are cool, and by using the word cool, i have made me totally uncool lol )
@kitty54 Totally agree that it comes down to empathy. From what I read, too, there is also a particular effect of being involved with a narcissist where an unhealthy dynamic evolves where you start to feel responsible for their issues. I think for empathic people that habit dies really hard- even being out of the situation you still have that nagging thought that you should be caring for them/ helping. I do sometimes envy people who don't care quite so much, especially when the caring isn't reciprocated.
Sorry you had a tough day, totally agree we all do have them and will have more. It doesn't mean good things aren't coming for you. Even being free from it for several months (apart from some unpleasantness over the legal side), I do feel a difference in my wellbeing, for me the biggest thing is my overall anxiety level is lower, and I am not even as much of a hypochondriac or stress eating as much. I hope you find some positives like that in recovery too.
@frankNest6700
So here is something that I think all of you would understand, it is a short YT video (10 min) on empaths married to narrsissts. When I watched this for the first time, that was when I was pushed to take action, and work like hell to GET OUT!! Empathy should be a gift, not a curse!! We must find ourselfs again, and take care of ourselfs, ( and each other ) !!!!
Here is the link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tlvZ-rRXRw
Hope it will help !!
@laurenfay Love that video Lauren, and also the way the lady explains it, is very kind and respectful too.
@frankNest6700, yes 100%. I've lost weight and have had no anxiety since the spilt. I think that I was depressed and the relationship was the cause. I'm glad you said it as I had recognised the anxiety was gone but not the weight. He rang me last week and I generally would not answer the phone but I did. I noted that the anxiety was back immediatly in my throat. it the other part, when he critized me for "critizing" him, which I did not, instead of feeling bad, I felt angry. so times are a changing....it does come down to a healthy wellbeing. This is our time, to focus on us only and build us as individuals, part of which means knowing (or in my case, creating) bounderies when it comes to people who take and drain you. It is not normal, not healthy and learning to recognise the signs early will save us all a huge amount of heartache in the future.
@kitty54 This is so like me, especially the boundaries... honestly I could write a book, so many areas of my life where I let people overstep and then get overwhelmed or frustrated. I even feel bad asking my lawyer, who works for me for crying out loud, to speed up etc on some things. I really need to work on asserting myself. Of course it would be easier if I didn't feel so shattered in terms of self esteem, but like you say, we'll get there :)
@frankNest6700.
I agree, boundaries are hard to set. Even if it involves your own "close " family members who claim to be totally supportive. What I struggle with is how can I ever be able to trust anyone again to be able to open up to, it is like I am in a constant contradiction with myself, on one hand I need to open up to people, to create new meaningful connection in my life, and on the other hand I need to stop being a door mat for people to walk all over me and take advantage of my giving nature. How can I find the middle road? It is so confusing sometimes!!
@laurenfay That's such a hard line to walk. I had coped with a bullying issue at work before all this and even made some headway, but honestly I think there is something about being taken advantage of on a more intimate level that is harder to recover from, and it almost compromises who you thought you were and how you thought you could deal with things. I find myself quite often thinking, well, person X has always seen me as a doormat and that's going to be impossible to change. Maybe its negative thinking or caring too much what others think? Have you found any way to regain some sense of balance?
I think another problem for me is that I have lost faith in the fundamental goodness of people. I think its because my ex also told lies about me to others and it gave me this sense of shame and isolation, and wondering why are people so quick to accept his version of things... and that's spilled over into every area of my life, almost as if I feel 'marked' for rejection.
@frankNest6700 hey, you are not on your own in this, unfortunatley none of us are. The lies are a standard part of control, my ex lied to me, most of the time for no reason, and because I'm a decent human I wouldn't question it, because why would someone lie for no reason over something stupid??? In my case, it was because it kept him in a constant state of being the victim. If he were to tell you his version of events, it would differ to the version he would tell me and it would differ to the version he would tell his family. All versions told would show him in the postive hero light or the eternal victim light, whichever suited his needs at the time. It is not that people believe him, but it is the fact that they for the most are decent humans who don't lie for self gain and as such, why would they question it. In this, I have to remain outside the box instead of being offended that someone is believing him and his tales of woe.... By remaining graceful in your approach, it is only a matter of time before those who matter know the truth and those who don't matter slip out of your thoughts. Be you, don't rise to bait, be honest if you are happy for people to know your business (My shame is in my pocket at this point lol, as my honesty will mean I will tell the same story over and over, his will continue to change!!) You are better than his lies and let down.. know that and take comfort from it :)
After my divorce, my despicable abusive parents talked more trash about my ex-wife, calling her a narcisist...
I knew as I know now they like to attack me through the persons or values that I care about (because otherwise they can never touch me directly) and I knew she was a narcisist. Putting oneself as 1 one in life is not necessarilly narcissistic but a way to better respect and protect yourself, selfish but useful for survival and wellbeing mentally and spiritually...yes there are real selfish narcisists but I think she was not...and I supported her in her decision of fonding a new love and wanting and independant life and I gave her her own apt even if she was the one who left me. It was my choice and I felt good and at peace with that.
It's hard to put people in little boxes with labels...
@feelitinyourbones
So true... Glad you are at peace with her now!
My husband is a narssissit person but he has realized just how much he hurt me now, ( after all the hell / fighting/ painful emotional 5 years to get there ) but we are ending our marriage amicably ( for our daughter s sake) even though I have moved beyond the anger, I still have the scars inside ( feeling unworthy / estlow selfeem ...ECT )
SO GLAD to have this group !!! We will get through this and not have to feel so alone 😀
@laurenfay
We will, and I agree about the scars, they never go away but at least we have smth to show and they tell our stories for us...I never tattood because I have enough external scars and internal scars to tell my sagas...yet I would have liked to be worthy of a tattoo at some point in time...
I am so grateful that ypu put your daughter's interest befor yours, for her sake...a right thing to do..
@feelitinyourbones
Thanks 😊
My daughter is why I put up with so much of the sh*t , because now I have a great relationship with her, and hopefully she won't carry ( internal) scars from this.
But ironically,... We are both planning on getting tattoos for her 21st birthday next summer!!!!! 😄😀
I need something to look forward to, and have a new GOOD scar to remind me of what is really important, ME !!!
@feelitinyourbones
Thanks 😊
My daughter is the main reason why I put up with so much sh*t for the last 5 years, but now I have a great relationship with her ( worth it, and hopefully she won't carry scars from this )
Ironically, we are both planning on getting tattooes for her 21st birthday next summer!!!!
I need something to look forward to, and a new GOOD scar to remind me what's really important,. ME !!!
@feelitinyourbones
Thanks 😊
My daughter is the main reason why I put up with so much sh*t for the last 5 years, but now I have a great relationship with her ( worth it, and hopefully she won't carry scars from this )
Ironically, we are both planning on getting tattooes for her 21st birthday next summer!!!!
I need something to look forward to, and a new GOOD scar to remind me what's really important,. ME !!!
@laurenfay
I am soo happy for you that you are doing this 🤗🤗🤗 I hope you will tell us about it and share!😊🤗
@feelitinyourbones
Thanks 😊
My daughter is the main reason why I put up with so much sh*t for the last 5 years, but now I have a great relationship with her ( worth it, and hopefully she won't carry scars from this )
Ironically, we are both planning on getting tattooes for her 21st birthday next summer!!!!
I need something to look forward to, and a new GOOD scar to remind me what's really important,. ME !!!
@laurenfay
Oops, had some technical difficulty and posted like 4 times,🙄😏😌 sorry 🙂
Anyway, glad to have some support !!!
@laurenfay
It happens to a lot of users so it is not your fault
@Feelitinmybones
Hey, are you OK? How come your username just turned to "unknown" ?
@feelitinyourbones, wow, you are decent. Total respect to you. This is what it's about, us getting to the right place for each of us. Now, a tattoo lol... im getting one to mark my escape from madness back to reality. With laurenfays tattoos, sure we'll be the ones who got away with the tats...lol
@kitty54
Gooo girl😉😊🤗!!! I can only envy you😉😊🤗
@kitty54 Hey, I'm in a similar situation. I'm 38 & just got out of a 17 yr relationship with a 14 yr old daughters. I've started over for the last year I've been with someone, while we love each other & have plans & goals. I just introduced him to my daughter & she's not taking it well. She didn't wanna give him a chance & it's because she's never seen another man with me. She always had mom & dad together & now, she has mom & dad just separated. She got to the point where he'll come over to check on everything & like a teen with an attitude. This is my soul mate, I plan on making a happy life with. It's been 17 yrs since I've been happy. I wanna be happy.
@Abarzua21
You deserve to be happy!!
But she still needs you at age 14, it's a tough situation to be in, I wish I had an answer for you!! Just do what feels right, and let her know that you are still her mom who loves her and always will!!
Best of luck to you!!!
@Abarzua21, sounds difficult for you. Your daughter must be confused, it's a huge change in her life while she's going through huge inner change to teenager and adult. Did you go straight into the new relationship? Or did you take time to recover? You said he's your soulmate, that's so fantastic and exciting for you both. What does your new partner think would be the best approach.
I am recently divorced. I had to go back to work after being a stay at home mom for over a decade while adjusting to being a single parent and managing the household by myself.
Im overwhelmed and lonely. Im drowning in my own life just trying to stay afloat that I have no actual life. Im feeling hopeless.
@Otis0809
My heart goes out to you, just take the time every day to be thankful for who you are, you are a mother who sacrificed your wants for your child, that is something to be proud of, and the fact that you were brave enough to leave your marriage, ... You are a strong woman, and you will get through this one day at a time and move forward, just be kind to yourself 🤗. Things will get better 😊
@Otis0809 Welcome :) Laurenfay is right, you have done the hardest part, if you can focus on your achievment so far. The problem seems to be no matter how hard you want out, there is a period of freefall once you get out. Your adjusting to who you are, assuming you have any idea of who you are anymore. Being a mother and reentering the workforce. That is so much in one go. Talk, talk here, is there family, new work friends, just keep letting it out. focus on the people who have got out before you and how things have changed around for them, but the change is NOT immediate. You will still grieve, no matter how bad the relationship was.
Remember, get through today, one hour at a time and at the end of each day, you are one step closer to your happy life. Moreso on the worst days, just get through it and you are one step closer. And be kind to yourself, have a bath and just breathe. empty your mind and just hear your breathing. There is an app called "Insight Timer" for meditation. I'm no meditation expert, but doing one of these will free your mind for 5 minutes to an hour depending on the one you choose. Small breaks from the feeling of being overwhelmed will help. :)
@Otis0809, hi, I was just in the over 50 section where I seen a post running in regards to divorce and what to expect. There seems to be a lot of experience from people who have come out the other side. https://www.7cups.com/forum/50OverCommunity_193/ChallengesWeFace_1702/WeeklychallengeDivorceJune10162019_203138/
you might get light at the end of the tunnel insight there and day to day encouragement and support here :) the more options you have, the better. :)
https://medium.com/@SoulGPS/10-steps-to-getting-your-life-back-after-narcissistic-abuse-96b5c74af29c
some steps that may help any person recovering have an easier time OR just to recognise and be kinder to yourself :)
Hi all, I'm having an absolute awful week compounded by the fact that half my family avoid me now as they judge me for having a broken relationship/marraige. all this, what will people think rubbish. The fact that I live so far away is obvioulsy a good thing as one day up with them has done so much damage to me and my healing. I'm feeling so alone and isolated now. the other half of the family are trying to stay out of it, so family support is officially zero :( I'm now wondering if I did the right thing, I know I did, but self doubt yet again is creeping in. do people not realise it could be them in this situaiton in the future, i know one of my siblings is in a controlling relationship and yet she is the most judgemental... life is crap today
@kitty54
I totally understand how you must feel, because I am in a similar situation.
😕 4 out of my 5 sisters have basically blown off my traumatic life change as if it is just another little silly meaningless event in my life and have dismissed my problems like it's no big deal 😒
This week I actually wrote a letter to my sisters expressing how hurtful they have been to me, if they get all mad and defensive about it, I will KNOW for sure how insincere their claims of love and support really are
What do I have to loose at this point ?!!
I already feel isolated rejected and judged by my own family, ( been there done that with my ex husband) this feeling of being dismissed and ignored or blown off as unimportant is all too familular by now!! 😏
Hang in there, and do something that you really enjoy as a treat for putting up with that sh*t !!!
You deserve it!!! 👍😉😀🤗
You are not the victim you are the Victor!!!
.
@laurenfay, thanks a million..... yep, spent time with good people yesterday and now feel able to keep going again. I feel for you, it's an awfully lonely place when the ones who should have your back decide to turn it, ignore it, judge it.... but you've got us here, and hopefully your meetup group that will extend to a new pool of like minded people.
Onwards and upwards, I hope you get a positve response from the letters. Like you said ,you have nothing to lose at this point and by letting it out, your helping yourself move forward in your evolution to the real you. (love the victor line, it will be my go to line to myself when I doubt my decisions :)
@kitty54 so sorry to hear u r having a bad week. I absolutely know how u feel. Why is there such judgment w divorce? Its absurd..especially towars the one that did not want or cause it. Just tell them u truly hope they r never in your situation where they have to experience it. I lost most of my friends..and I dont have family alive anymore so feeling alone has become my new baseline. Just know these experiences in life happen for a reason...we dont know at the time...but we will eventually become stronger from it. It's hard to understand now though...ughhh.🤧😇😢
@Lovetennis ,thank you so much for the words. I salvaged my weekend by spending time with non judgemental folk. feeling alone is such an awful feeling, moreso when you are not alone. I've had years of that with him, I have decided I won't take it off my family, so will give the home place a wide bearth for the forseeable future, for my own sanity. How long are you out of your relationship? how are you coping? (I'm feeling more positive today and am happy to help or listen) I'm trying to get to enjoying my time alone, however, the feeling alone is not a good feeling and I really struggle with it. (your not alone here :) ) But I do think you are right, there is life and hope there, it is just finding it. I was speaking with a lady the other day who is seperated about 10 years and hasn't moved forward with a new relationship. She said it just never happened, but she hasn't changed any of her routine, work, shops, house, family.... Mr right is not going to knock on her door and that's how I feel....I so would love to meet someone, but my head is telling me to concentrate on me (the eternal carer, so if I can't learn to care for me, I am in danger of losing myself in another relationship) There you go, lol..... response, queries and rant all in one go lol. I hope your well today
@kitty54
Hey there, I just had a tough couple days. Narrissists sister giving me hell, haven't slept well for 2 nights,
Had some ups though, when I connect with some good kind people 🙂
Guess I need to start playing the positive thoughts game, I listed out all the things that I was thankful for in meditation today, that helped,
Got to feel good about myself, because I'm the one who has to live with myself 24/7 for the rest of my life!! 😏😉
@laurenfay, I'm sorry to hear that. The letters didn't do what they should have? You are right for you, you did the right thing for you, thats all you can do :) Others are out of your control and you don't deserve any back lash for being honest. Unless it was something else. Either way, you deserve better :)
What have you done nice for yourself lately? Once you learn to love yourself and treat yourself as you want others to treat you, you will find that peoples negativity does not have the power it once had. I'm having waves of contentment, a million miles still to go, but i'm trying to do things for me. As money is tight due to the mess he left behind and the cost to fix it, they are little things, a face mask and feet up... right down to getting up in the morning, making tea (weekends only lol) and jumping back into the warm spot in the bed. The little things. (I still don't feel as special as I want to, but it is hard work loving yourself lol)
Upside, we appear to be taking it in turns to be in a rut, so you need anything, you just ask :)
@kitty54
Thanks for the encouragement 😄
You are so right about it being hard to love yourself 😏 Even though I have just made my sisters mad at me, I have suck up for myself, that is an act of love, that is very hard to do. But going through life doing or acting like other people think you should act, and not even considering my own feelings is much worse. I liked your point of view, that if you can treat yourself with respect than true contentment will come in time, I have to live a life that I am ok with who I am 24/7 if not I will be miserable, these little steps are hard, but it I am holding on to the hope that in the long run it will make it easier 😏
@laurenfay, it will get easier, it will get happier but you can't stop pushing forward. Life won't come to you, but if you keep going, it will open doors to you. I have all my hopes and beliefs in this so it has to be. positive attitude, self love, kindness to you, kindness then to others.
exactley like being on a plane with a child, you have to look after yourself first in the event of an emergancy, and then the child... if your not looked after you cannot be helpful or a partner for anyone else. Get healthy in mind and spirit.
I'm making it my goal, to be happy, to love again, to succeed in life. Cause if I don't, I let the horrid covert narrissict destroy me totally. So I'm working on me, when I am really happy alone and with myself, I am going to go out and find a man.... not a scared boy which I had, but a real man, and by God, I am going to be happy and make him happy, and he is going to treat me like a queen (I may have to go through a few frogs, but frogs I can handle :) ) That is my win, not to let the baddies destroy me (and that includes sisters also!!! )
you are being true to you, even when it makes life difficult, but I bet you are at peace in your mind in what and why you did it. The reaction back to you is shame on them, this is not about them. Have your crap days, maybe a crap week, but keep moving forward to your destiny.
@kitty54
Hey there, I have been moving forward alot lately , but I'm really struggling with the idea of spending the holidays very much alone, with no family to focus on. I'm trying to come up with ideas for new traditions to start, and I don't even know where to start 😒😏 How can I turn a "family" holiday into a celebration for just me, when EVERYONE else is focusing on family 😔😕
@laurenfay, I get that but you still are focused on looking for new traditions for yourself, thats positive. I am unsure how you will do this. Will you be alone or will your child be with you? Could you give maybe, help out at a soup kitchen for example? Or if your alone, what about planning a huge "ME" day. pajamas, book, fire, food, bath, beauty treatment/face mask, duvet on the couch, crappy movies. I know it is one day but on them "one days" you can feel hugely lonely. Are you a listener on this site? No doubt there will be a long list of people wanting to talk on the day. It's mad, for such a huge event, so many are lonely, even some of those surrounded by people. I was lonely every holiday with my partner, and while i'm overwhelmed now, at least I'm lonely for the right reason, because I'm alone. (and not because I'm with someone who treats me poorly) (loud music and dancing alone like a lunatic is good for the soul and releases the happy endorphines lol.... )
@kitty54
Thanks 😊. Your advice makes sense, and is very sound ☺️ most of your suggestions I had actually thought about already, but sometimes it helps to have someone as a sounding board for your own ideas 😉. I guess that is one thing that I miss about sharing my life with someone, ( even if he didn't love or respect me at least he was someone to voice my ideas to). Glad to have your support!!
Also, I will get to spend some of my holidays with my daughter, and she is wonderful and will be a huge source of joy for me !!! Thanks again, hope l can be a sounding board for people like you too, here at 7 cups😊
@laurenfay you are a support and sounding board for me and others.... you have so much to give and to offer. I personally have got so much from you and your experience and thoughts... it's normal to you so you don't appreciate what you have to offer. I do 😁 keep talking, it helps everyone of us, including you. Anytime you need support, you say... likewise from me. We are on the same journey... same destination, self confidence, self esteem, happiness and the future
@laurenfay hey, just checking in to see how your getting on, holidays looming.... I've huge faith in you. did you chose a new tradition? plan a day? run with what happens? Am thinking of you :) Have a wonderful time regardless.... and dance ;)
@kitty54
Thanks 😊. I'm doing better, got started on a new project, got some new ( and very different ) decorations, spent some quality time with my daughter, and now I feel ready to be alone and not with all of the stresses of family obligations! Doing relaxing things, listening to good music, and doing things just for me!! ( And about damn time too !!! ). How many years have I ignored what I really wanted for the sake of others, NO more !!!
Hope you are doing good, I have a song that really speaks to me now , Maybe for you too,
" Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson, and " Flying on my Own" by CEine Dion !! Check it out!! We are powerful and strong women 💪🙌😁😍
Hello everyone. This seems like a great place for support and to talk....I have no idea where to even begin, there's such a long back-story and I don't want to say anything bad about my husband (soon to be EX....one of these days). I guess I'll just start with the basics:
We've been married 14 years, together for 15, with a 10 year old son. I finally worked up enough courage to tell him that I'm not happy and want to separate. I've been wanting to do this for over 4 years now. And I've had something going on with myself since I was a child, that I never wanted to address, along with a lot of medical problems that started 6 years ago.
That's all I can do for now...
@generousBlackberry8844 well done. while thats all you can do for now, you have done a forward step. focus on what you are doing, no matter how small.... congratulate yourself and be kind to yourself. For me, talking was most important. My situation was abusive, although I didnt' know how much until I was "outside the box". It was very hard to accept that I, a smart woman, took so much, and I as deeply ashamed. the shame held me back from getting out sooner. No I talk, i'm honest and the more I talk, the more normalised it is for me. The less shame their is.
Keep going, keep your head up and keep talking :) none of us here know you so keeping details out, there is nothing you can't say if you want support with it. But you don't have to say anythng, just be here, we are all in similar situations of being alone again.
@kitty54
It gets better in time. First thing i will suggest, and this is key to beating most depressing and stressful life situations, is to start the journey of self empowerment. This can begin with keeping things tidy, exercise and good nutrition are absolutely paramount, as the body and the brain will benefit from these.
Little steps along the way, even though the end result may not be clear at present, momentum is key, and to keep onto positive momentum. I usually start with doing the things i like, or did like before my abomination of a marriage, and like i said before, momentum, keep it all rolling. There will be bad days and good days, but we must keep going.
I hope this helps anyone who needed it, and if anyone wants to talk, dont hesitate to drop me a line :)
@MrEars
I totally agree 😊. The last five years of my life have been filled with transformational changes, it was a very hard road to take, filled with ups and downs but mostly downs. But I kept on going, doing what I felt was the right thing for me to do (for me) each and every day, for a long time it didn't seem like I was going anywhere, and it seemed like instead of getting better things got worse. But , I stuck to it, held my ground, and did not abandon my core values. Now I look back at how I was five years ago, and I am amazed at how far I have come. It is SO worth the fight!!
So, to all you out there who feel like you're scrambling around in the dark, hang in there, and be true to yourself!!
You are WORTH it!!!!!!! 👍😀😁
@laurenfay
Great to hear, now maintain and sustain, and you win :)
