Starting over again with no social circle and no idea where to start
Hi All, I posted to newbie post and recieved a number of replies from others in the exact same position. As we are chatting back and forth, I have decided to start a thread, not for thoughts but for support for those in the same boat.
So, I'm 44, out of a 20 year relationship with a total narricist who did his best, but ultimatley failed to break me. While I wanted out for years, I find that I am totally isolated, living miles from family and no friends close by. Friends I do have are married with families and I realise I need another social circle for the new me without my big lump of a burden holding me back.... I have days I regret getting out because of loneliness, but I know that my life is better out and will be better the more I try. That's what I've figured out, life is not coming to me, I've got to take a deep breath and TRY, put myself out there and trust myself that I am good enough.
This thread is for men and women, if you got out but now are floating aimlessly, we will do out best to keep your chin up on down days and pull from your strenght on positive days :) The hardest part is over, it WILL get easier, just don't stop trying and don't lock yourself away. :)
Hey guys, I love the idea of this forum and all the support you have been giving to each other. My partner and I split yesterday after 2 years. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in this relationship and that his heart was no longer in it. This is the second time we've split up for similar reasons. I have GAD and I know my anxiety played a role in the break up but I'm trying not to blame myself for it. At the end of the day, I was willing to work on us more than he was. It's really hard because we were a strong couple with so much potential, but I guess he wasn't ready for a serious relationship or taking the next step, nor was he willing to compromise during conflict (especially towards the end, but I do remember he did sometimes at the beginning). He was an amazing guy, but our relationship was always a bit of a roller coaster. For example, we would have discussions about getting engaged, moving in together etc or we would be in a really good place, and a few days later we would be on bad terms/he would be unsure about us. This uncertainty would increase my anxiety and make me feel so insecure, about myself and the relationship. I do admit there were times I was impulsive and said things I should never have said (which I regret immensely) but for the most part I was a good girlfriend.
Even after the break up, he called me last night and told me he can still see us getting married, and maybe in a few weeks/months/years we will get back together. I don't know if having conversations like that is helping me or hindering me from moving on. I miss him already and it's hard to cut ties with him.
@aliceinwonderland22 welcome to the thread :) no matter what way you go, we are all behind you. No matter how hard a break up is, it is important to do soul searching to see what is best for you. breaking up is really difficult and the impulse to run back to what you know is huge. Sometimes it is for the best. Other times it is fuelled by the fear of the unknown. Anxiety will not help you in the latter. Just be sure you do what is right for you.
I suffered bad anxiety in my relationship in the last few years, but my relationship was a controlling one (I did not know this until after, sounds stupid... and I felt stupid as I can see really clearly now). I have no anxiety now, crazy isn't it. I know what helped me was talking, here especially. Also, I wrote down things which I was not happy with, things he said, he did. when I wavered, I reread them and remembered how awful I felt with him. how lost I was. But your message doesn't sound like it was a bad relationship, just possibly not compatable anymore? At different stages in life mentally and emotionally?
Are you working on your anxiety for yourself? use some time to concentrate on you, on getting you where you want to me, just for you. I have learned that if I'm happy with me, I'm more likely to attract good people and be happier all round. Learning to like me and put me first is the biggest thing I've taken out of this year (and one of the hardest things to be kind to yourself, strange!!!) there are positives for you even in the most difficult of times.
Nice to meet you, welcome aboard :)
@kitty54
Thank you :) No, it wasn't a controlling or "toxic" relationship, but we did have our problems. I guess the worst thing for me was that he wasn't able to compromise and he gave up on me for the second time. It has been an emotional rollercoaster, going from engagement ring to break up to talking about marriage to him not being sure about us again. I guess this level of inconsistency was always keeping me on edge and increased the levels of anxiety I was experiencing. It was hard always coming second, I always tried to put our relationship first but the rejection and lack of recirprication on occasions starting taking a real dig to my self esteem.
I have been going to therapy for about 2-3 months now. It is helping a little but I still have moments of intense anxiety. I don't want anxiety to be in control of whether I choose to get back with him in the future. I know I deserve someone who is willing to fight for me as hard as I fight for them. Taking it day by day, I am having a lot of ups and down. He is moving on a bit quicker than me which is hard for me to experience but I'm keeping super busy and working on putting myself first for the first time in years! There are times when I freak out about being single (this is my first Christmas single in 5 years!) but I try and remind myself being single isn't the end of the world and I need to just live with it now.
@aliceinwonderland22 you sound so smart, your doing everything right to get through this. Men quite often move on quicker, that's not a reflection you or your debut an avoidance technique...women talk. Focus on you, be good to you, your anxiety most likely will lift. Like you said, being unsure, inconsistent in life, that is an awful way to live. Especially when you sound loyal and committed. Have you plans for Christmas, something to focus on.
@kitty54
thanks love :) Ive always been the anxious type but yes, Im hoping it decreases a bit being out of an unhealthy relationship!
Sucks how men move on quicker, what sucks more is that he lied to me about it continuously (told me he wouldnt even think about being with someone else/doesnt have his eyes on anyone else) but then his best mate told me when he was drunk that hes just lying to me.. confronted my ex and turns out his mate was telling the truth. Its not my business what my ex is doing now and I honestly wouldve preferred not to hear about it ugh
Guess I have to remember that we are all on our own journeys and I shouldnt compare his journey to mine. But it does hurt
@aliceinwonderland22 Yep.... get that, been there and know how it hurts. But we are playing the long game for lifelong contentment and happiness..... sticking plasters over pain is temporary and may last a week, month, year, but it is not dealing with the issues, meaning you are more likely to make the same mistakes as before. you will get there, we all will..... keep talking and doing what is right for you. Happy new year :)
@aliceinwonderland22
This was my first Christmas being single for 25 years. And I honestly can say that I was more at peace than ever, finally thinking about my own wants and needs, taking the time to really relax and enjoy the holiday without feeling responsible for my husband's happiness.
My advice,. If there is no room for your wants and needs to be considered or even attempted to be met in a relationship, than it is not worth it,.... In the long run the damage can be significant and painful, lack of self worth is the most heart breaking feeling to have!! " To thyn own self be true". And : " Love your neighbor as yourself".
Take care of YOURSELF, your needs should come first!!
Hope you have found some peace this holiday season and remember you are not alone here!!! 😊
@laurenfay aw Im happy for you! Good on you for embracing your situation, glad you can finally focus on yourself. Thank you for your message.
Sometimes we dont realise how much emotional strain our relationships had on us until we are out of them. Even though Im going through a painful breakup over Christmas, Ive still been crying less than I did when I was in the relationship.. starting to realise I had my rose coloured glasses on and I can admit maybe our relationship was not as good for me and my mental health as I had previously thought.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays :)
@aliceinwonderland22 hi merry christmas
I completely get this - I am getting out of 8 years long toxic relationship (6 years married with a son together) and I am finding it really hard to move on. I also often question my motives/reasoning / emotions especially as he is still in regular contact and I am afraid he knows exactly how to move me around.
I wanted to leave him for many years now, yet I find myself clinging to the idea of the relationship and feel lost / alone/sad without it. I really can't work out the human brain sometimes!
I hope it does get easier for all of you very soon!
@niceAcai5335 the human brain is one thing, the female one is altogether different.... Maybe it comes from the fact that women can forget pain (physical and emotional) I wish I had of left my ex when I wanted to years ago, infact within a year I'd packed up a few times, but he played the victim and I fell for it... 20 years later, I eventually got out of it, however, I am still dealing with the aftermath while he has moved on. (still keeps trying to contact me, still tells me he loves me.... he's a creep) but still somewhere in me, I don't believe I'm worth more even though I know logically I am worth so much. that female brain!!!! grrrr... lol. But I am very hopeful 2020 will be the year I find myself and I move forward into my future. I am throwing this out to you as I did believe that I would get him out and move on no problem. I was not prepared for the emotional rollercoaster which met me head on... I have attended counselling, which I recomend totally to anyone in the same situation. I still have moments when I think did i do the right thing. Then I pick up my notebook which I've written down a few instances which happened over the years, read one to myself and thank God that I eventually got out. I really wish you well, keep talking, put your pride in your pocket and ask for help if you need it and know your worth, as it is far more than he would have let you believe.... your one step further towards happiness and contentment :)
@kitty54 thanks for this! I agree, we tend to forget about all the pain and only remember all the good things. It's easy to hold on to those when you try to convince yourself about something! I know I am clinging into the relationship as I am terrified i will not be happy again (although i know i will be just fine and to be completely honest we have never really been happy anyway!)
Separation also comes with the guilt of taking my son away from his dad (and my ex likes to often play this card to get to me) but life needs to move on. I do try to get into counselling (I am lucky enough that my workplace provides free confidential counselling during working hours) but I find it intimidating in person! I am trying to distract myself with friends / work / hobbies but it does get hard. 2020 will be our year! :)
Hi guys, I can relate so much with all your stories. I'm currently going through a breakup. We broke up a month ago and he already moved on. We were together for a year which feels after my prior 10 years long relationship like nothing. However, we bonded really well and had a great but also difficult one year together. Our relationship started with couple trust issues the last one him sleeping with my friend/colleague. Btw I work with him and see him every day which does not help the healing process. Anyway because of a difficult start I closed up and struggled trusting him. Anyway I really think we could have worked out our problems as I'm convinced that we were really compatible. I just think I scared him off with some life secsions I had to make and think about and I feel all of that put him under pressure. He is a virgo man (I'm a taurus woman) and apparently virgos are perfectionists and have high expectations. The strange thing was that he was complaining that I had high expectations and that he felt pressured by them. Anyway I guess what I want to know is when does is stop hurting. How can I manage seeing him at work but still heal in a healthy way.
@fearlessSquare4112 well you can just live you're life next capter!
@fearlessSquare4112 , I'm so sorry to hear that your hurting. I don't know when it will stop, but know that it will ease, it will get better and it will stop. One step, one day at a time.
You say you think you put him under pressure with decisions you had to make and scared him away. If your friend told you this, no doubt you would tell them that relationships are not always easy and things happen, life happens. If he couldn't stand a few upsets, maybe he wasn't right for you? your working with him, that must be difficult. I seen a post somewhere with a quote from einstien I think, it says weak people seek revenge, strong people forgive, intelligent people ignore.... At this point, possibly taking the ignore route (as try and turn a blind eye to him, not ignore him if he says hi) but your point now is you, your self care, your self healing. No matter what the future holds for you, start looking after yourself. You say he has moved on, so he is looking after himself. If you can, give yourself time, do little things for yourself (get your nails done, go for a walk in nature, have a bath) concentrate on getting yourself to where you a happy with you. I really wish you well, keep talking, it is important :) we are all here for you
@kitty54
Thank you for your response.
You're right he probably was not the right one or ready to feel comfortable to be part of bigger life decisions. Ignoring him at work is definetely my only option. It just gets tough when you know everyone around you is also close to him and that you can't really open up to anyone and have to keep it professional and mature.
I'd never talk bad about him or complain and everyone knows that but sometimes that makes me feel lonely. Cause I feel I need to keep it inside me.
I also don't know whether friendship after a breakup works. But for some reason I don't want to lose him as a friend. We bonded as friends so well and the idea that I might even lost our friendship makes me sad. So I tried to make him feel comfortable to talk to me like in our times before we got together. But he is someone who pushes things away when it gets tough. Even though he told me he still wants us to be there for each other he is not approaching me. I guess it's naiv to think that a transition to a friendship happens so fast or ever. I just know that the ignoring at work is so tough for me. I'm respecting the fact that we're not together anymore but ignoring each other feels not natrual and right at all. It really hurts more than the fact that we're not together anymore. But I guess that's the only way to go about it I guess. Yes, I'm pretty sure he moved on with someone else since about a week. Me on the otherhand don't want to get involved with anyone for now. I'm single for the first time since 12 years and feel like I need to focus on myself for now. I can tell that it gets better with every week. However whenever I feel ok and better something happenes (i.e. him being with someone else) and I feel a new kind of pain which sets me back to zero. I really feel I'm getting better but all these new situations bring new kind of pains with it which puts me back to zero. I just don't want to be affected by all the things coming my way. I mean there will be a day where I'll see him with his new partner so and I don't want these moments to interrupt my healing process. It's hard to find a way to protect yourself from these things.
@fearlessSquare4112 you'll find away we all do you just have to be strong enough
@fearlessSquare4112 , I really feel for you. You sound like you have all the logic to get through this. However, heartbreak and logic do not go together unfortunatley.. The fact you can notice that you are getting better each day (the knockbacks aside) is a really good approach to dealing with things. I find this works for me also. And it is possible to be friends with an ex. I am friends with an ex, like you, a really nice guy, but sadly not strong enough for me. However, my most recent ex I will not be friends with, obvioulsy as it was abusive and full of lies. So hold tight in regards to friendship. It is still a new breakup and you both need time to find your feet as single people. It will settle, you know that... but being in the middle of it means that sometimes it seems like it will never settle, never end. But it does :) Work will also settle, but you do sound like your lonely here. if you need to talk, come to us.
Thanks for this.
@kitty54
Hello! I hope you are feeling better. I am, like you, alone with no group of friends far away from family. I moved 4 years ago, and have not made any new friends. I have been trying to keep my mind busy with daily life, but each day I still feel the need to connect with other people. It's good to find people in the same boat, even if it's just through the internet.
@Chellie0688
I feel the same, you are not alone, my mind can be my own worst enemy, it sucks but it helps to know that you are not alone in feeling like this !! Hang in there, you got this, and WE got this !!! ☺️
@Chellie0688 it is a start. Talking, offloading, building confidence. You can do all that here :) then make forward steps in your locality. it is daunting, but it is worth it. I have not spoken to someone out of a relationship which was not working who regretted it. But all have said the intial stage is really difficult and can go on for a time, depending on the person, the situation, how many people you had around you (abusive relationships generallty end up that you have no one around you to start off...) we will get there, 2020, be kind to us
It's so great to have this place here where you cant talk to people and get a response. I also have noone to talk to. I mean there are some friends but either they are frirnds with him too or I don't feel comfortable to talk about every emotion to them. I literally scroll theough my whatsapp chats and can not point out one person I could talk to about every tiny painful situation without the fear that I might annoy them. This is a judgemental free zone and I feel we are giving each other strength to get through this. It's great.
I went back to work today after a holiday break. Saw him at work. So for a fact I know and cen feel it that he has moved on someone else. In the last days he was either not online at all or constantly online. Anyway today at work he came to my desk and made some small talk. So this is the first day we see each other at work after I told all of our closer friends/colleagues that we broke up a month ago. I just feel he's trying to sell this story that he went through a tough time and he makes efforts to be friends with me cause he is SO worried about what people think of him. So we broke up a month ago and I asked him to wait before we tell everyone..I told then everyone after 3 weeks. In the meantime when noone knew he constantly posted pictures of him going out with his friends and random stories on instagram...anyway now he's trying to convince everyone that he was suffering too. But that is not true!! He already moved on with that girl!! It hurts that I can't tell anyone what he's doing. Back to today..so he came to my desk and started a small talk telling me that ge was super sick the last week after new years where only went out for drinks and not much else..but again he is lying I'm convinced he is!! But why? He has no reason to tell me anything. He constantly posts these songs and usually he always wanted me to check out the lyrics..anyway..like when we broke up he posted a line of yellow days..Decided that kissing you is just bad for my health...
And today he posted this other song of Frankie Knuckles - Your love.. check out the lyrics...does he want to tell me/everyone that hes in love again with someone else??!!!
Ok 1) why do you have to rub it into everyones face?? 2) are you so desperate that you need the world to know that you're getting l*** again??!! 3) whats wrong with him - its not a competition who moves on first!! I'm waking up with a heavy chest since 4 weeks and I promise I do all the hacks i.e. writing it down, going for walks, hearing to music, doing pilates, thinking about life projects for 2020, going for drinks with friends to distract myself but I feel it's taking soo long..maybe because I see him all the time at work. He seems fine and happy obviously. I feel like my healing process would be a bit faster and less painful if I wouldn't had to work with him.
I just want to talk about every tiny situation cause I feel it helps me but I don't know who to talk to.
@fearlessSquare4112
So sorry for your situation, it sounds like you are dealing with a narrissist , and that means that the more you let him get you angry the more he will do to hurt you, your so much better off without him! You are brave!! Talking here in a safe place, and not letting it cause waves in your social circle or work place.
If you want to send him lyrics to a song, send him the lyrics to " Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson !!
Hang in there, you will get through this!! You are not alone!! 🙂🤗
@fearlessSquare4112
It sounds like he is really playing up how much he has "moved on" so that you and everyone else will see it. The people who feel the most pressure to prove how much fun they are having and how awesome their lives are... are in fact very insecure. The front he is putting on is most likely not true. I'm sure he is hurting but doesn't want you to know he is. And the life people put on for social media is not their real life.
I hope you start feeling better. I am going through a breakup as well and it really freaking sucks.
@fearlessSquare4112 He might not realize what he's doing, maybe he's going through a weird time. He really might not have any idea how it's affecting you, or maybe he's honestly trying really hard to move on and just going about it the wrong way. You can choose to communicate with him or choose to kind of cut him off, but definitely don't try to like hurt him more or teach him a lesson lol, he really might be going through it. People who do dumb things usually are -- only speaking from my own experience.
@fearlessSquare4112 , you are healing. you are playing the harder long game so to speak to ensure you heal and move on fully. He's seems to be just playing a game, posting things, proving what exactley?? You have it difficult as you have to see him every day at work, however, this may also help you long term. Seeing him playing games, trying to say he has it tough but lifestyle saying different???? you may go in one day and think thank God I got away from that relationship. (the rest of us going through breakups don't see the people and end up automatically assuming that they are having a wonderful time and we are the only ones who are sad) Can you take any positives from the situation, finding the silver lining.
IMO, you are doing everything right, head remaining high, distracting yourself, working to get better. And long term, you will find the rewards in how you have handled this. He's playing to the camera, try and turn a blind eye to it. (or get yourself through the day and get back here and rant the frustartion out of yourself, we are all here behind you :) )
@kitty54
Thanks everyone! It has been tough going back to work after the holidays. After I almost heard nothing from him over the holidays and NYE when we got back to work he changed totally and constantly messages me. Almost every day. He's also drunk texting me. For the last two weeks he messages me almost every day and sometimes wants to change conversations into sexting. I pushed back on him, never messaged him first and reply only with bare minimum. I was thinking of cutting him off and not responding to his messages anymore - no matter if they are just normal casual messages or his drunk messages. And I'd have done that already if I wouldn't have had to see him every day at work.
Whenever he has a problem or he is stressed he reaches out to me...I know we said we're going to be friends..but I'm not willing to give him the comfort he's used to get from me anymore.. Also it's super hard having common friends/colleagues. He has also outside of work his circle but I'm quite new in the city and have my friends mainly at work. So I thought he'll understand that he should confide to his outside work friends instead of our common friends snd give me the space and chance to have the support from our common friends. But he's taking to my closest friend/colleague privately who also is his friend..and I feel I can't trust her anymore. I can feel she is in between both of us and wants to do the right thing. I feel sorry for her but automatically distance myself from her cause I feel I can't trust her anymore.
It's tough.
Hello all. I only recently found this site and thread and while I've not read it in it's entirety, it certainly seems as though we have all been through a similar situation. I would like to share my story as perhaps it will help me try to make some sense out of it. I will attempt to keep things as succinct as possible but I do apologize in advance if I ramble.
I am a 46 year old man who, 4 years ago began a romantic relationship with the love of my life. We were casual friends for a couple of years prior to that, both in seperate relationships. Once we became involved and spent more time together, it was amazing how well we fit together. We had extremely similar interests and demeanors, yet also perfectly complemented on another on each of our deficiencies.
Unfortunately, this all came to an end at the beginning of this year. Due to a custody battle regarding her daughter, she was forced to move an hour away until it can be resolved. This was to be a temporary solution which would last until the end of the school year and I supported her in the decision. Since the move, which occured the weekend after Christmas, she has become increasingly distant. As a pointed this out to her she would become increasingly defensive and, at times, just plain hateful. I have asked multiple times to see her and for each time there has been an excuse as to why she can not, Since she's left, I have only seen her for 2 hours on New Years Day.
After repeated attempts of asking her what is happening, she has no determined that she needs space and that we should no longer be together due to the distance and the possibility that she will stay where she has moved for longer than the next 6 months. I indicated that I could wait as long as needed and that we could still have a relationship as an hour away is certainly not that great a distance. I was told that I wouldn't be able to handle it and that I'd end up hating her and she'd rather it just happen now. She has told me that she isn't the person I fell in love with any longer and I need to love on. However, in the midst of all of this, she would do things like leave a note at my house (she still has a key) telling me that she's sorry for pushing me away and that's just instinct but she loves me more than anything. Or, sending me a song to listen to, telling me there was meaning behind it. After listening and looking up the lyrics it was a song of a couple expressing their love for one another and speaking about how their relationship strong enough to weather any storm.
I am absolutely devastated right now. But worse, I'm completely confused and have no answers to help me wrap my mind around this. I begin to cry at the drop of a hat, often at the worst times such as grocery shopping or even work. I can't focus and I have an incredibly hard time getting out of bed and going through my normal routine because I just don't care. Every version of my future had her in it.
Logically, I understand that things will go on and things should get better. I have a great job, a terrific supportive family, but I'm in such pain right now that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the weight and it seems impossible that I can get through this.
I realize that I am in no way ancient, but the thought of starting over again is just daunting. Especially considering that the relationship that I had was perfect. I don't know how to get over this.
Thank you for allowing me to vent here.
@DreadfullyNumb I'm really sorry your going through this and suffering. Its very new for you and there seems to be very mixed messages being sent. Maybe given space and time, she will have a change of heart. But in the meantime, you need to focus on yourself, keeping yourself right and in a good state of mind. While getting out of my relationship was a releif and no pain caused by it, I recently lost my best friend and the pain in my chest, not being able to get my breathe at times, the deafening silences and numbness, I now truely understand what a broken heart feels like.... I hate to think anyone is going through this pain. I know the days where you feel like it will never come right, where you will not be able to make it through the day, where you want to run but to where?? to who?? Try to focus on the days where there is hope, the tears don't dictate the day. On the bad days, I count down the hours and know that the next day "has" to be better. At this point, you can only control what you do, how you handle this, what you say etc. Her thoughts, feelings, actions are outside your control. I know the urge to persuade her to stay with the relationship must be huge, but sometimes pushing someone when they are not ready, no matter how genuine the reason, will end up pushing them away for good. Take a bit of time out for you, do one day at a time and something nice for you each and every day. (a walk, a bath, little things) I really hope all works out for you