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Should I break up with them? Much needed advice

modestAvocado4027 May 17th, 2020
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Hi! I'm a senior in high school and i am 18. I have dated this guy at my school since 9th grade and he is really sweet and overall just an amazing person. I don't have many friends so I would say that he is also my best friend. However, with quarantine and everything I have had a lot of time to think about everything and i have realized that i don't really want to go into college with a boyfriend. I don't know why to be honest lol. I also have been having these weird romantic dreams about someone i know and i think i may have feelings for them. I am not sure, but either way i don't want to lead my current partner on. I know he really loves me and cares about me, but I personally noticed that i think i feel more platonic towards him. I also don't want him out of my life since we are so close and spent all of high school together. I also dont think our future plans match up (he wants kids, i don't; i want to live in a city, he doesn't; etc) which i know its early to think about that stuff but still. I don't know if i should break up with my partner but i think that i do, but i'm really scared to do it and i don't know how. Any advice is welcome!

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modestAvocado4027 OP May 17th, 2020
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Another aspect to the story: we are in quarantine so the only way for me to break up with him would be through text crappy I know lol

selfdisciplinedNest190 May 17th, 2020
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@modestAvocado4027 Speaking from experience here. Don't rob yourself of experiences you want out of fear of ending the relationship. He deserves your complete honesty and communication. Not giving him that honesty is robbing you both of life experiences and time you can't get back.

So just do whatever you're comfortable with in these circumstances, but explain it all to him openly. You'll thank yourself in the future for listening to yourself and not holding back the truth. I wish I had done that!

modestAvocado4027 OP May 19th, 2020
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@selfdisciplinedNest190 thank you! it's always nice to get advice from someone with experience <3

selfdisciplinedNest190 May 19th, 2020
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@modestAvocado4027 You're welcome! And be weary that he may try and make you feel guilty to get you to not end it. Hopefully not, but guilt or feeling bad are also not reasons to not follow your gut instinct. It's not fair to you and not fair to him, I mean who wants a relationship that only exists because one party feels guilty??

I hope it works out for you. Feel free to reach out if you need to!

Sventek May 17th, 2020
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@modestAvocado4027

You're 18, and while age isn't a number and it's the mind that counts, sure. In this situation, you have a number of life experiences and changes that are ahead of you that will potentially be complicated and even limiting with a boyfriend in tow. It isn't that you care for him less or love him less, or cherish what you've both experienced together but your time to shine is now. With a strong commitment to a boyfriend, perhaps that isn't now as you've stated clearly. There are also value differences, which are core critical requirements that are considered deal breakers for most relationships. In a strong and committed relationship, you'd want shared values -- and the desire to have children is one of those deal-breakers that will end up becoming a thorn between you which you've already called out.

I don't think that this post is really about the reasons why you must do this, but perhaps gaining the courage to terminate your relationship in a way that doesn't harm the underlying friendship and that is going to be tricky as you already know.

There are a lot of variables, unknowns, including how he's going to react, how your life journey will bring you further apart than you could even anticipate now, and of course more as life hands you new hands to play.

If you're going to be the strong and assertive one here, then you'd probably do this via Skype or Video Chat versus text. Do not do text or instant message, no, because that is just a horrible way for someone to receive this type of news, especially if you want to salvage what you both share to some degree.

With Video Chat or Skype, you'll have more flexibility to show emotion, gain instant feedback, and while it's not as perfect as in-person, it isn't as impersonal as other methods. He can at least see in your face that while you do not want to do this, you're firm in your decision and any of his rebuttals to change your mind are not going to work. He will try to change your mind, so be prepared for those rebuttals.

Do not waiver on your task, and that is because if you give any sense of position where you're not sure, or questioning your choice, then it's prone to attack from his angle to try to keep things going the way they are. Therefore, your approach must be direct, firm, with factual reasoning (less emotional reasoning), and with a bit of empathy sprinkled in because this isn't going to be the news that he's going to want to hear.

Perhaps opening the door at that time about potential friendship after this is concluded isn't the right time, because he's already going to be weighing the gravity of the decision that is coming his way. So, I'd hold off on talking about the future unless you know him well enough to know that he could handle hearing about what you'd like in place of your current relationship. However, just be prepared for the potential fact that a relationship of any type after you bring closure to you as a couple is over, may not be possible and it may even take time if it is to happen later down the road.

You should keep such a conversation positive, friendly, completely honest, with respect, and firm. A decision has been made, and it's not negotiable in any terms that keep you both together as a couple, but talking about maintaining friendship is ok, but just be careful about discussing future plans with one another because you do not want to give false hope or any inkling that there may be a possibility of getting back together in the future.

It's a hard talk to have, but at some point, very necessary based on your life's new direction. You're likely making the right call from the sounds of things, and it appears that you've realized that while what you've had has been great -- it is a relationship that has to end because there are other opportunities that may come your way, including someone else or not, that may be what you'd like to explore and this man that you've been with deserves respect and honesty. You do not bring up any other love interests in any aspect of the conversation, even if he asks and that is not about honesty, but not bringing up things that you're not really sure about at the moment. It would be unfair to bring up another guy as a reason because that isn't set yet, there is no direction there and it's only a small feeling, which shouldn't be explored.

You'll have to consider how long term relationships fit into your life's plan for the next few years until you're actually ready for a serious commitment. Usually, guys are not ready for a serious commitment, at least in the US, according to studies until their 30's. So, what I'm suggesting is that long-term committed relationships can certainly wait a while until you're 25-30, there is no need to rush or be tied down at the beginning of your adulthood.

Best of luck!