I wish I could truly move on...

I've been separated from my husband on and off since March, but officially moved out in August. There were a lot of things going on:

-He seemed to want to do more things on his own than before and wasn't involving me

-When things upset him, he tends to withdraw/brood about it for hours/days and then lash out in a tirade

-He seems needy for affirmation and attention, yet doesn't offer it back to me

From my side, I didn't respond to this as well as I could have. I typically withdrew (emotionally/physically) until I couldn't stand it, then became overly needy and emotional. Although his counselor diagnosed me with an insecure attachment problem (based on talking with us twice and whatever he's said about me), I've never acted like this before in any relationship. I've learned a huge amount from this process and have improved my communication and conflict resolution skills. I use these skils just about every day with lots of people and have seen benefits from it.

So...from where I stand now, it seems like the man I loved and the man he is now are two different people (or maybe I'm only now seeing him as he really is). He doesn't seem to want the same things I do, in terms of a committed partner who wants to spend time together, make plans/share ideas together, and collaborate so our needs can both be met. Or maybe he just doesn't want this with me, which is hard but something I accept as a possibility. Even if somehow I am misunderstanding him and he does want these things with me, his communication and way of dealing with conflict is hurtful to me. When I've expressed that, he rephrases that I am the one finding it hurtful. He doesn't seem to want to change. I can accept this, but I will not tolerate it and do not want to be around someone who recognizes their behavior is hurtful to someone and won't try to change.

I'm just trying to process this. We're seeing a counselor today by his request to talk about what we want in the future. He's also suggested a legal separation. I'm actually leaning more toward just filing for divorce based on the apparent difference in our needs AND the dealbreaker of his behavior/lack of willingness to address it. I think my heart is still hoping he does want the same things I want and he does want to address the behavior, even though my head knows it's best for us to be apart.