I wish I could truly move on...
I've been separated from my husband on and off since March, but officially moved out in August. There were a lot of things going on:
-He seemed to want to do more things on his own than before and wasn't involving me
-When things upset him, he tends to withdraw/brood about it for hours/days and then lash out in a tirade
-He seems needy for affirmation and attention, yet doesn't offer it back to me
From my side, I didn't respond to this as well as I could have. I typically withdrew (emotionally/physically) until I couldn't stand it, then became overly needy and emotional. Although his counselor diagnosed me with an insecure attachment problem (based on talking with us twice and whatever he's said about me), I've never acted like this before in any relationship. I've learned a huge amount from this process and have improved my communication and conflict resolution skills. I use these skils just about every day with lots of people and have seen benefits from it.
So...from where I stand now, it seems like the man I loved and the man he is now are two different people (or maybe I'm only now seeing him as he really is). He doesn't seem to want the same things I do, in terms of a committed partner who wants to spend time together, make plans/share ideas together, and collaborate so our needs can both be met. Or maybe he just doesn't want this with me, which is hard but something I accept as a possibility. Even if somehow I am misunderstanding him and he does want these things with me, his communication and way of dealing with conflict is hurtful to me. When I've expressed that, he rephrases that I am the one finding it hurtful. He doesn't seem to want to change. I can accept this, but I will not tolerate it and do not want to be around someone who recognizes their behavior is hurtful to someone and won't try to change.
I'm just trying to process this. We're seeing a counselor today by his request to talk about what we want in the future. He's also suggested a legal separation. I'm actually leaning more toward just filing for divorce based on the apparent difference in our needs AND the dealbreaker of his behavior/lack of willingness to address it. I think my heart is still hoping he does want the same things I want and he does want to address the behavior, even though my head knows it's best for us to be apart.
@peacefulforest75
No counsellor will give him a diagnosis of what's wrong with you. That's just not true.
I find myself hoping that you can work something out between you. Good luck.
@DavidEss
Good point. His counselor asked me a leading question on this, and he jumped to the assumption that it's true. A common pattern in a lot of our difficulties.
I've actually moved a lot more toward accepting a likely divorce and acceptance/forgiveness of both our roles in it. I don't think he WANTS to put in the work necessary--his position is that I should just love him the way he is and be happy. At the same time, I need to change to provide him what he needs to be happy. Which is not healthy or even possible for me (I tried).
@peacefulforest75
I came across this excellent article on good relationships. I've actually kept a copy for people I know. Take a look.
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/every-successful-relationship-is-successful-for-the-same-exact-reasons?utm_source=pocket-newtab
@DavidEss
Something funny...my husband actually sent me this article 4 years ago. I remember because I recently went through our emails wondering "when things went wrong." He focused on #11, and my response to him was that I hadn't felt as close to him lately and wanted to talk about that. 4 years ago! We didn't actually go to counseling until about 2 years ago, and that was mostly a he said/she said fight in front of the counselor that left me feeling less connected and worse about our relationship.
I think for us it boiled down to #1. We weren't together for the right reasons. I thought we were and that we wanted the same things, but apparently I was wrong. I wanted and still want a partner that collaborates with me to make plans together, make decisions together, and supports each other. Awhile back he said his priorities were his daughter, his work, and freedom to be with friends. Those things are my priorities too, but I see them as fitting into my top priority of a partnership. He sees it the other way around, where the marriage should fit into those other priorities. Which left me feeling like I always came last.
@peacefulforest75
for what it's worth , I'm on your side with that one.
Why get marriedin order to keep yur life the same as it was?
@DavidEss
I never knew what loneliness was until I experienced it while married. I'd rather be alone than married and lonely. I left him because I couldn't stand that anymore.
@peacefulforest75
Well done. It's hard, and I'm sensing that there were still feelings for him, but in the end you gave him first refusal, and when he refused, you had to leave for the sake of your own life.
