I’ve been depressed since May

I used to be happy in my university days.

I used to healthy and fit. I never knew what is to be depressed before 2021

It all started last year March 2021

I had a breakup on March 2021 after a 3 year relationship. She ghosted me away gradually and completely left me.

and I got graduated from my university but I wasn’t able to find a job since I was so depressed. All my friends got a job while I was suffering inside my mind all alone for a whole year. I wasn’t able to focus on anything. My mental health started to affect my physical health too. My bones started to get weak due to lack of vitamin d and I wasn’t taking care of health. I was taking vitamin and sleeping pills. I had insomnia and I couldn’t eat well. I lost weight and I tried a lot of ways to move on but nothing worked for me.

I don’t even have siblings. I pushed away my friends and I didn’t tell anything to my parents and completely alone.

I was completely isolated in my dark room all alone suffering inside my mind. I thought I could escape from this reality by having some night sleep but I had nightmares of my ex and it was haunting me everyday andI just woke up with tears. I was at home all depressed, suicidal, anxious and this trauma was killing me alone for almost a year that I completely felt like a different person.

In July 2021 I met an online friend, her name was Denise, she was a Romanian and she had a similar story like me, her ex ghosted her and she was extremely depressed.

We both shared our stories. We both had panic attacks. Anxious and depressed. We started to track of our daily activities since we were suicidal. We went through a lot to get through this depression and to heal. We supported each other a lot.

In December 2021, we slowly started to heal a little and Denise told me to apply for a job since we had no other options and our depression was taking forever to heal. So I slowly started to mentally prepare myself and get a job. So I’ve applied for it last year December 2021 and Denise was really proud of me for taking this first step of healing.

My depression started from March 2021 and continued till Jan 2022. I’ve gone through a lot to get through this.

I started this new year with a good hope. I got selected in a large multinational company as a computer science engineer on Feb 2022. I started to focus on myself and heal. I made new connections inside my job. I made few friends. I felt like I was finally healing after so long

THE REAL STORY OF MY TRAUMA STARTS FROM HERE

After joining my new job. I have few co workers they were good friends. In that a girl, she was one of my friend.

Soon we started to be so close and I like her a lot. We were so happy. We used to talk for the whole day. Even our calls be like 7-8 hours. I started to heal and it felt like we were made for each other.

When we were friends she told me I guess within few years we would marry someone like she gave me a lot of hints that she is in love. Everything was going fine..

When we start to get more close she started to open up about her past like she was in relationship with someone for 2 years, and they broke up. I said that’s okey it happens and I told her forget about it, I was there to comfort her and make her feel better. She said I want you to stay with me forever.

We both started to care a lot for each other

and then finally we fell in love. We both were so happy. She used to be safe space and peace. Everything was going fine..

One day she told me “I want to tell you something but I’m afraid that you will leave”

I asked her ”oh no what happened why should I leave you..tell me”

She then started to talk about her deepest secret which she revealed to me

She said “she and her ex bf made a legal document like they are register married secretly and no one in their family knows about it. It was her biggest mistake and she totally regrets for signing that document in the past. She needs to divorce without her family knowing about this and that she is not sure about our relationship at this moment”

I was totally shocked to hear this but out of the love i had for her, I told not to worry about anything and to forget about her past. I told her “I’m still here, I will stay for you since I love you so much. Please don’t worry you did that without knowing..”

She said “I feel so guilty for hiding this to you”

I accepted her past and I said “past is past we can’t change anything but only if we try to make it happen. We will get through this”

We were so attached than ever after this incident..

Life was going fine but soon it started to get worse..

Soon her ex started to enter in our life.

He tries to reconnect with her back and he talks a lot about their past which makes her feel sad since she loved him in the past too.

One day she told me that she has deleted all the pics of them being together when they broke up but she found one of the pic on her laptop and that made her miss him for like a few seconds. This made me really sad but I told her not to worry. But next day she forget those things and started to not think about it. We both cared and loved each other.

A week later she said she’s getting a bit depressed. He was blackmailing her with that document and she told me understand her situation. I told her you can’t heal if you feel like this if you want him you can go back to him..she got really mad at me for saying this..she said “is this your love for me? I don’t love him he was a past I only love you but that doesn’t mean my feelings will go away soon”

I understood what she said and I apologised to her since I was afraid to lose her. If I lose her I will lose myself too. We started to have lot of arguments for small reasons but this started to affect our relationship so bad. Her mental health was not okey because of her past and it’s me who convinces her every time and supports her to be strong.

We always talk from morning till night continuously so we had a lot of understanding and lot of time to spend together and we are extremely attached.

One day she told that she is going outside with her mom and she’ll be coming late.

I missed her so much since we were extremely attached so I texted her that I miss her a lot.

Next day she called me and we were speaking normally and I told her how I missed her. She then started to get mad for some small reasons. I tried to calm her down but she just cut the call. I didn’t expect that she would end up the call. So I called her again and the call was engaged. I was waiting for so long, I tried to call her back but still, the call was engaged.

I was pretty sad and after like 5 hours she called me. I asked her “what happened?”and she told that she called her ex and it seems that she missed him for the past 2 days. After hearing this I was extremely shocked and depressed. My heart started to beat so fast.

I asked her “do you love him?”

she said “yes”

and I asked her “do you really love me?”

she said “yes for that too”

This completely broke my heart💔

Within 2 days she was ready to apply for the divorce but she said she doesn’t feel like applying for this divorce. She said even though it all happened she loves him as a person and he did a lot of things to her in the past.

I told her “you can’t just love both at the same time”

She said my family would never accept you since you come from different culture but he is from my same culture and then she told I couldn’t leave both of you

She told me as a friend she will never leave me.

Sometimes she gets calls from his father and uncle

I got extremely broken and I said nothing but okey and cut the call..I was so hurt

She then called me the next day told me to come in the video call..why didn’t you text me today

I didn’t speak anything..after few hours..we started to speak normally..

after sometime she started to think and said I don’t love him..I love you and tried a lot to convince me.

Everytime it feels we were about to breakup and block each other

Now I’ll come to the main part of my depression

Her ex called her tries to blackmail her like he is going to come to her home and tell all things to their parents

So one day we were in a video call we were happy and normal as usual

She told wait he is calling I’m afraid of him since her will blackmail so I will attend

Now They both were in call.. Call went for hours..i tried to call her but call was busy

I texted her what happened.she told me to wait.. She said he is telling me everything about their past with a sad emoji.. She then sent me a video.. And that video contains collection of pics of them together in the past with a love song

When I saw that I was extremely depressed

I told her to cut the call but she told me to wait

After the call got over after 4 hrs. I asked her what happened.

Why did you even speak to him for hours

She told me I was just listening to whatever he is saying I didn’t talk with him. If I don’t attend the call he will blackmail me

This was making me mentally disturbed

After that she started to talk about her ex

Like what and all he did in the past

This made me extremely depressed

I asked her do you love me or do you love your ex

She said I can’t forget everything I still love him as a person but that doesn’t mean I’m going back to him

She used to say she don’t love him she only loves me now

I told her if that’s the case why do you say that you love me But after the call now you say you still love him

She got mad on me. She told me I don’t love anyone..don’t talk to me ever..

So that night I was extremely depressed. I was sleepless..I was suffering inside my mind..

and that time my friend, she was awake and asked me what happened I told my friend everything that has happened till now and understood me

My friend told me that she was so toxic, she is making drama between you and him and that she is not mentally ok..she needs therapy..she acts like a spoiled child..she is just controlling me..and I should really block her. I didn’t sleep all night

And then the Next day she somehow found the chat messages of my friend

She got extremely mad on me..after reading out the messages of my friend. She started to use abusive languages on me after seeing the word “drama”

She told me to delete her photos and her contact and never to talk with her

She asked me to give my friends insta id and that she needs to talk to her and this was getting too far.

She forced me so much

I told her I can’t give my friends id. If you want me to leave from your life. I will do as your wish

She then started to threaten me if you don’t give you will face the problems like you never imagined..I said do you really threaten me and she said take it as anything but give me her id..

She said ..is this type of friends you have..I feel bad for speaking with such people in my life. Never ever talk to me

She was manipulating me with such crazy levels

She soon started to blackmail me

She said she will suicide and I’m going to be responsible for everything and that i have to handle everything

I tried my best to make her calm down

I had no other option than to stop her so I blocked her

She keeps calling me and I didn’t attend her calls. I blocked her everywhere

She calls me in my home telephone. From her mom’s phone, her brothers phone..

I blocked all their numbers

we unfollowed on insta. She then sent a message on insta. Give me the id and do whatever you want.. I blocked her on insta too. I was extremely depressed that day like I was literally about to faint down

And then next day like afternoon, I got a text message from a new number.. My heart started to beat so fast. She sent me a long paragraph

She said I’m sorry for everything and that she should’ve not talked to me like that

She repeatedly asked for my forgiveness. She said it’s her fault and not to leave her. She told me to stay..Whatever I said yesterday while I was angry.. say that back to me but don’t leave me..I’m waiting for you.. please call me.. We were there for each other..we were so happy..please don’t forget our memories..I need you..I don’t want to lose you..please try to understand me..She said her grandma fell down in stairs and mentally she was not okey..she carried her grandma to the hospital and she was not mentally ok and after hearing about my friends convo she got more angry like they were spooling our relationship

After I read this message she called me. I attended her call..she started crying with my name. She cried like she was about to lose her breath

I told her to stop crying..it’s all over

She cried she said what is over..And then she said I’m sorry I didn’t eat.. i didn’t sleep last night..I missed you so much I know you didn’t eat too..please don’t leave my love

We both had tired voice.

We got convinced and promised not to talk about yesterday

She said I will try to control my anger I know I’m not mentally ok

Let’s forget about yesterday

She said she won’t use the old number in which her ex used to call

and she bought this new number for me..

At first I told her to end everything. I told her.. no it’s over we can’t be together.. But then she convinced me so much

We then went to have food together and we finally got convinced. We changed the topic and finally convo went normal

And then we were slowly returning to normal life. Everything was going fine. She took care of me..She made video calls from many different places…we went for shopping together…we even got so much romance in our life. I loved her so much

Days goes by She slowly started to get back to her normal state where she gets mad on me after a month

But this time I got mad on her too

I told her you are really making me angry

I don’t want to lose my patience

So please stop getting mad on me

But it keeps happening on regular intervals

I had sleepless nights. I couldn’t eat well.

I was in tears just because I loved her

Soon one day her mom found out about me

Her mom started to questioning about me to her. Her mom asked her why is your co worker always calling you even in the weekends and I know what you are doing inside the room..don’t hide from us..

We won’t advise you..if you keep doing like this go with him forever and never come to our house. She got sad.

She slowly started to get mad for no reason And finally told me we can stay as friends forever and as a friend I will never leave you

I got broken..I mean..she did all this..just to stay as friends in the end

I told her I can try and it’s making me mentally depressed and I can’t be just friend with you after all this that we have made together

She said I know but my mom tells to me like this so I don’t have any other options and..

I told her I didn’t sleep for the whole night…your words are making me mentally disturbed rn..

You said even if your parents didn’t accept our relationship you will love me..now why are you leaving my love.

She stayed silent with so much guilt

And then she told me to change the topic

and she is not mentally okey..

I asked her Do you really love me she said I told you as a friend I will never leave you so please talk to me normally and leave this topic

I was getting extremely depressed

She started to ignore my sadness and she stopped caring for me and slowly she stopped giving me attention

She told me not to call since if her mom finds out she will be in trouble and told me she will call me…she got busy and tried to distract away.

I told her if you want me to leave I will leave but you don’t have to hurt by ignoring me

She gave me reasons that she was busy and that she is not ignoring me

She promised me that she will never leave me. I told her many times to not leave me but now she is leaving me

She said not to call her baby and to call her using her name. If I talk about love she said she won’t talk with me. She said don’t ask any useless questions. How evil

I told her If she leaves me I will cry

Everything feels so hard in my heart rn

My eyes are tired with tears

I’m sad :(

Even tho she was evil she had a good side too and it was so beautiful

I missed all those good memories

I still see our old convo and cried

It hurts me so much. I felt so weak..I was slowly moving towards my last year

I feel like I lost a part something in me