I'm not dealing.
So I posted before about still living with my ex.. this is still true. I'm not moving into dads until his roommate is gone cause I have the dog and she has cats. We just ended this whole trial of friends with benefits thing. It still sucks. I feel like life is just slipping away. I'm running out of time or something. I should've spent this summer trying to start my career but I've just been moping and stressing. I dont even want to move in with dad but i dont have the income to live on my own. I dont even want to live on my own because I will be alone. That's what really sucks about this is I'm really going to miss having someone to wake up with, lean on, and be around. I'm already depressed and I just see this getting worse living with my dad. Reasons being= i dont have a great relationship with my dad and hes gone for like weeks to months at a time. The only other person that will be there is his other roommate and frankly not a big fan of her either. I'd love to live with mom but her place is full. Friends have offered which is nice but the only one I'd be semi okay living with would be the one with a kid on the way and I cant lean on her right now when shes so stressed about her first child. Theres things I want do, sure. I just have zero energy. Part of me kinda just wants to die. I feel so overwhelmed. Will i do that? No, not likely. That sounds even more painful and irresponsible. I hate that I still love him. When i tell him I've just wanted him to be himself. He says himself wants to be alone and that he doesnt feel super comfortable being himself with me. Himself is more assertive. When for years I've wanted him to be assertive and make decisions too. I feel like our wires got so crossed and tangled like were saying the same stuff but it doesnt click? How does that happen. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel so incredibly lost and like I dont belong anywhere. Like I'm not enough. Like I'm broken.
@lavenderPineapple8844,
if u see this response, how is life right now?
I appreciate you asking. Right now, I'm in the last week of living together. I'll be moving my stuff out next week while he plays off to his friends place.
The night before last he rolled over and then kissed me thinking that's what I wanted ? He was like half awake. I asked if it's what he wanted and his response was cool without strings. I just stared and then eventually cried. I've been so conflicted. So hurts but mad and lonely. I was struggling between wanting to be close but also yelling at him for all of this. Trying to make sense of his reasoning for leaving is hard. It feels back and forth. At one point hes talking like were together, the next it's back to the leaving. Or its maybe in the future we could be like those characters who deliberately go out into the world for a bit to see what they really want. He told me again the night before last that leaving to see other people was not the point. That he doesnt want to subject anyone else to what I've been through. That hes messed up and it's not fair to whoever he dates. That person cant be his unconditional love and support as family, friend, and significant other that it's too much to even ask. Which I mean, I agree. So hes working with his therapist to remove the need for external support and to do that he needs to be alone. I'm not sure that's the best thing to do....
On another note hes exploring his gender identification and has bought a maxi skirt. It's honestly weird for me to see. Just going from the person I met to now. Hes currently driving to his therapy apt in it. Little concerned for him. I'm sure hes nervous about people's reactions as he walks to his car and waits for his apt. Idk
I'm still hurting. Life just sucks. I'm mad about all of this. Where this leaves me in life, and the missed opportunities I've passed unknowingly in the summer. Like now I have to somehow figure myself out while living with my parents again. My mom is pretty supportive but dad is honestly tough to be around. We dont agree on things and hes very judgy with a temper. I also have to work on my dogs behavior. It's just difficult.