I'm not dealing.
So I posted before about still living with my ex.. this is still true. I'm not moving into dads until his roommate is gone cause I have the dog and she has cats. We just ended this whole trial of friends with benefits thing. It still sucks. I feel like life is just slipping away. I'm running out of time or something. I should've spent this summer trying to start my career but I've just been moping and stressing. I dont even want to move in with dad but i dont have the income to live on my own. I dont even want to live on my own because I will be alone. That's what really sucks about this is I'm really going to miss having someone to wake up with, lean on, and be around. I'm already depressed and I just see this getting worse living with my dad. Reasons being= i dont have a great relationship with my dad and hes gone for like weeks to months at a time. The only other person that will be there is his other roommate and frankly not a big fan of her either. I'd love to live with mom but her place is full. Friends have offered which is nice but the only one I'd be semi okay living with would be the one with a kid on the way and I cant lean on her right now when shes so stressed about her first child. Theres things I want do, sure. I just have zero energy. Part of me kinda just wants to die. I feel so overwhelmed. Will i do that? No, not likely. That sounds even more painful and irresponsible. I hate that I still love him. When i tell him I've just wanted him to be himself. He says himself wants to be alone and that he doesnt feel super comfortable being himself with me. Himself is more assertive. When for years I've wanted him to be assertive and make decisions too. I feel like our wires got so crossed and tangled like were saying the same stuff but it doesnt click? How does that happen. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel so incredibly lost and like I dont belong anywhere. Like I'm not enough. Like I'm broken.
