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lavenderPineapple8844
343 M Embraced 3
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceJune 28, 2021
Recent forum posts
Still crying every day after a year post breakup.
Relationship Stress / by lavenderPineapple8844
Last post
 August 22nd, 2022
...See more I dont know if I'll ever move on. Honestly all I can think is how I wish they were next to me. How I miss them and including them in my daily life. How I miss sleeping next to them and how I wish I could convince them to come back.
Update:moving week
Relationship Stress / by lavenderPineapple8844
Last post
 November 8th, 2021
...See more For anyone who doesnt know I've been living with my ex for the past 3 months. It's been a fucking ride to say the least. Been in this gray area of friends with benefits type of thing. I think I fucked up a couple times in my mourning though. He caught me snooping through his laptop and didnt like that I've told some people I know about his identity issues. 🤷‍♀️honestly I usually just think it's best to just come out and be like this is me deal with it. Guess he wasnt totally ready even though he talks about it often, cut his family off and told his grandma. And maybe I'm being disrespectful with the he/him pronouns here but idk I say them for understanding. A lot for those who know the person they used to be and now. Its jolting to compare the two. Anyways, its moving week. Crying periodically and just panicking. Trying to get everything out by tomorrow night is stressful. Realizing how much I have again is overwhelming. Theres litterally so much I have to do. On a bright note my health insurance premium went down. Thank goodness. But I'm here moving my stuff alone. My mom was gonna help till she messed up her ankle last night. My sister is in the middle of something and my friends had other plans today. So, here I am. Packing. Hoping my sister comes by and just trying to hold it together by myself long enough to get through it. Itd be so much easier if someone else was here right now. My ex is currently away on a trip to see their friend and will return tomorrow at midnight. We were intimate the day before he left. He was freaking out about his own security. And I let him lean. I needed the leaning too. Then he beat himself up a little thinking it was dumb how we did that without protection. Well mother nature came today and honestly I'm a little sad about that. Is that even sane? Like logically I know that'd make things even more complicated and stressful and I dont really want that. But I'm sad, hurt, and lost. I dont think my friends truly realize how broken I feel right now. I play it off fine enough I guess. No cause for concern here. But I found out I've been dating an image these past few years. Comprehending that is hard. This person didnt want to leave me traumatized and confused but I... idk i might be. I just dont feel like i know anything anymore.
I'm not dealing.
Relationship Stress / by lavenderPineapple8844
Last post
 August 28th, 2021
...See more So I posted before about still living with my ex.. this is still true. I'm not moving into dads until his roommate is gone cause I have the dog and she has cats. We just ended this whole trial of friends with benefits thing. It still sucks. I feel like life is just slipping away. I'm running out of time or something. I should've spent this summer trying to start my career but I've just been moping and stressing. I dont even want to move in with dad but i dont have the income to live on my own. I dont even want to live on my own because I will be alone. That's what really sucks about this is I'm really going to miss having someone to wake up with, lean on, and be around. I'm already depressed and I just see this getting worse living with my dad. Reasons being= i dont have a great relationship with my dad and hes gone for like weeks to months at a time. The only other person that will be there is his other roommate and frankly not a big fan of her either. I'd love to live with mom but her place is full. Friends have offered which is nice but the only one I'd be semi okay living with would be the one with a kid on the way and I cant lean on her right now when shes so stressed about her first child. Theres things I want do, sure. I just have zero energy. Part of me kinda just wants to die. I feel so overwhelmed. Will i do that? No, not likely. That sounds even more painful and irresponsible. I hate that I still love him. When i tell him I've just wanted him to be himself. He says himself wants to be alone and that he doesnt feel super comfortable being himself with me. Himself is more assertive. When for years I've wanted him to be assertive and make decisions too. I feel like our wires got so crossed and tangled like were saying the same stuff but it doesnt click? How does that happen. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel so incredibly lost and like I dont belong anywhere. Like I'm not enough. Like I'm broken.
My Bf/partner of 3 years broke up with me while living together
Relationship Stress / by lavenderPineapple8844
Last post
 July 14th, 2021
...See more So, I still live with this person and I just feel nothing but broken, lost. Unmotivated, and hurt. We moved in together in december and it was not the first time we'd done that out of necessity and wanting to be close. Got a dog, Finn, for his mental health supposed to be his emotional support animal and now hes mine because Finn hates him. I guess Finn senses the dynamic shift. I call this man a person because hes been going through an identity crisis lately, and I guess that doesnt involve me. He thinks hes nonbinary but accepts he/they pronouns, which is fine by me. He also doesnt think we have the same world view or that we really work together and no longer wants to be with me. I feel quite deceived and just hurt. I gave them everything. So many firsts I have shared with them. So many experiences and I really sunk my heart in this one. People keep telling me I should leave and its probably for the best but goodness it doesnt feel like it. Hes been really cold but also caring? Like he has apologized several times, expressed he feels like crap even though he believes hes making the right decision. But since the breakup weve gone out to dinner three times, once he brought home food from Wendy's for me without asking, made dinner tonight, done did the laundry, asked me to join him at universal (we both have passes) watched tv with me. And like yeah maybe he really is doing all of this because his messed up brain says these are the right things to do and it's what he needs to do to survive this time or whatever. But goodness it's just so hard to see that when those are I would expect from someone who loves me. However, my best friend would say he doesnt love me because hes insulted my intelligence before. And that's a line for her. This is true. He has. He thinks hes always right because researches litterally everything. It's part of his job. I always try to have an objectionable conversation about these things sometimes and I try to see the other side of things too and he doesnt get that. He either takes it personally or thinks that it's all evident of the idea that I just dont understand. Even when i try to come back around and express that i do. If you're wondering weve broken up before a couple times. I guess this time is different. I guess theres nothing else I can do and frankly that's terrifying. I dont know anyone else like him with the good qualities I see in him. He is like the most selfless, giving, caring, understanding and proactive person I know. I just wish I was enough. I just wish I could be good enough. I dont feel like I am right now. Maybe that's dramatic but it keeps running through my head. I really thought this was it and so yeah I gave him my almost my all. I know I made mistakes too and perhaps too many. I forgot I was on trial this time around and got way too comfortable. I'm really not good at listening to my gut. I'm writing this now because he just reminded me again that hes trapped in an apt with a dog who hates him and his ex. That he believes he broke up with me for both of our mental health and it just hurts. So I took a walk with the dog and cried. Maybe disappearing will help but its gonna take litterally every last part of me to do so. I dont have a ton of viable options to turn to. I can crash at friends temporarily but I really dont have the income to live by myself. Parents are either full house or just unstable. I'm just physically and mentally exhausted.
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