I have to end it but I am going to lose her.

Okay, I need to talk about it because I feel so bad and anxious all the time.

For three weeks now, I have been dating my best friend. We have known each other for over three years now and we are really close. We were talking all the time, seeing each other whenever we could, we had the same tastes, the same friends, ...

Of course, the idea we could have something more crossed my mind, but for many reasons, I never though about making it happenned. I had depression and anxiety for years, and I have so many questions about my own sexuality I did not want to go further.

The two of us even had a conversation about how hard it was sometimes to make difference between a strong, deep, sincere friendship and being in love. Maybe I should have seen it coming then.

Three weeks ago we were hanging together when she confessed to me, all nerves and crying. Like I said, I had though about it but I had my reserves. I told her we could maybe try it and see where it would go, that I wanted things to go slow, to see. She agreed to it, all happy.

At first, I was fine. But with time, I realised it was not good at all. I still see her as a friend and I really don't feel comfortable as more. it makes me so unease. I feel like I love her so much, but not in a romantic way. And she is so enthusiastic about it, always texting, ...

I feel so bad because it is unfair for her, and if I had been able to have a more clear mind about the situation, I could have said no to her in the first place. The worst is I don't even know what I would have said even if had been sure : I am so anxious and all that I can't say no to people because I feel bad for them.

But anyway, now it is too late. I dread the next time we are going to see each other. But every minute of every day is also so painful for me. I feel like I have lost my friend. And whenever we chat togerther I feel sick, anxious, nauseous. I barely sleep. I have been in a new depressive episode for two weeks, and I barely can get up in the morning. I feel guilty for what I did but the worst is the way I resent her and I am almost hating every messages she send to me because it brings me back to the situation. She does not deserve the way I react to that. I am horrible.

It is all my fault, and it is goind to end so bad. I ask myself so many questions ... Would she have reacted better if I had not even try ? Am I going to lose her completely ? Am I going to lose my other friends over it ? And I am always trying to reason with myself, like if I talk to her early, how it does not make it for me, she will understand. and with the strong frienship we had, it can work. But it feels so childish.

I feel guilty, selfish and angry. I don't deserve her. I am just trapped.

Sorry for the long rant. I had to share, because I can't talk with anyone.