I filed for divorce today
I mostly feel relief and happiness at the first step toward a new beginning. It is bittersweet, because I really did commit to loving him. However, I realized that (whether or not he knows it), he doesn't want to be married, or at least doesn't want to be married to me. This was devastating when I first began to realize it as I saw it as a rejection, but now I understand that he doesn't want to have the necessary give-and-take in a relationship. It was always one-sided, and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I think he sees it as me unable to love him as he is, and leaving him for another man. It's not exactly like that, as I began to confide in a long-time male friend of mine nearly 2 years ago. He encouraged me to work on my marriage, clarify my needs so I could better express them, etc. I began to turn to my friend for the emotional support I was lacking from my husband. This pulled me out of a years-long depression, but also made me realize what I really wanted in a marriage. I didn't leave because of the other man, although him being there and expressing his own interest in me did make it an easier step. I know I'll never be able to express these thoughts to him due to the way he selectively hears what he wants to hear and believes what he wants to believe. I feel sadness because I think he wants the same closeness I do in a relationship, but is unable to be vulnerable enough to achieve it or even recognize this.
