I dont want my marriage to end... again

sorry for the typos.

@Titus83

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I want to point out;

My wife and I were married in 2005, and a few laters after issues arose and were not properly handled, (This tells me that the both of you had or have separate issues, so at times this issues trigger one another. This also communicates that things started to built and built without proper communication, or where both sides feel heard and understood. One of the reasons why relationships or marriage fail its because of anxiety). ended with my wife being unfaithful and leaving me and our kids. (This was not cool of her, it tells me that her needs were not met in the marriage, felt the future was in doubt then started to find a replacement without proper communication or first leaving the relationship so she could pursue someone else). I was hurt and angry, but I still cared about her and would help her from time to time with what she needed. (I understand you help her because you care about her, but did you also do it to keep her in your life?) After almost 5 years of being seperated she asked me to accept her back. I took time to think it over and said yes, adopting her new born son as my own. We have all been together since late 2013.

I love my wife very much, I feel happy being with her and making her happy. I may not understand certain things and I am hesistant in speaking to her because some times her reactions to what i say make me feel that I am wrong or that it was my fault. (This communicates to me that you are walking on egshells, this has a lot of to do with how you grew up, more than likely your caregivers or someone close to you punished you or dimiss what you wanted to say , in order to make up for it you kept things to yourself so you wouldn't lose the uncondiotional love from them,all of this brought up to your adult relationships. In here I'm also noticing that when you communicate she tends to get annoyed, or mad, perhaps dismiss your feelings, so she takes what you say very person and doesn't have the patience to listen because she focus on those emotions). so i got use to not saying things that needed to say to avoid conflict, (This tell me you are afraid she might punish you, withdraw love and affection so it makes you go along when she behaves this way, the thing is that she will perceive this as weakness so more than likely she will begin to lose respect. The mindset goes like this "If he can't stand up against me and call me out, then how can he protect me when im in danger?" so after this she begins to lose interest in intamacy because she is not feeling your strength here). but i would make things worse. It has gotten to the point that my wife feels I don't listen. (Well when a women says "You don't listen to me" its how she feels in that moment, for her you are not in the present and not making her feel heard and understood during that time. If you argue with her or throw the "But Im listening" then she will only escalate it). May she is right, but I don't do anything purposely to hurt her feelings. (That's true). I want to correct what I do that upsets her and I feel there is a lot that I have done to correct my mistakes. (It takes two, she would have to tell you what is making her feel upset with you, so you can listen, mirror, show empathy etc, if she won't communicate then it'll create problems). But these past couple of months, if feels that she has checked out emotionally. (Well a lot of women tend do this when they don't feel comfortable, safe, heard and understood. They begin to be less affectionate, loving, not interested intamacy. This could also be because she can't handle closeness well, so if you try to gain too much closeness with then she will push you away because it makes her feel uncomfortable). She has started to work more, so our conflicting schedules interfere with time together to hopefully repair our relationship. (She is probably doing this as a coping mechanism to not think about things, she probably has the avoidant attachment style) I am trying to be more vocal on what i am feeling, but it seems that it only makes things worse. I feel impatient that this rift is taking too long to resolve between us and that she is not wanting to be with me anymore. (In here you are getting impatient, feeling the anxiety, fear of abandonment, becoming hypervigilant of her backing away so theres a chance you are trying to gain closeness to soothe your own anxiety. I could tell you are feeling like you are not good enough, so you communicate this to her with the things you do and say) I want to change, i want to listen and giver her what she needs. (You'll have to open her up, although it won't be easy. You need to let her talk and talk about what she is going through without using logic and reason or interrupting her. One of the reasons she is this distant it could be her attachment, but also because she doesn't feel heard and understood) I can see how i have been selfish and cowardly, and impatient. (Impatience has to do with wanting things to be solved now, so more than likely it made you do and say things that didn't communicate confidence so it pushed her away)

I have been reading post on this site to give me advice and I feel that if i just give her space to figure out what she wants then maybe we can try to pick up the pieces and work from there when she is ready. (You'll have to talk with her, courting her again, taking her out, to talk about things) I don't want to lost hope, but i feel the worse is coming.