How long should you wait before contacting your ex if you were the one who broke things off?
We'd been fighting for a week with seemingly no conclusion and it felt like he was no longer trying to help me find a solution to our problems. After a series of unanswered texts, I called him, angrily. I said I didn't wanna do this anymore and he hung up on me. I blocked him since.
I still love him, but the relationship was toxic. I feel like a weight has been lifted. But the silence is deafening. What if he just doesn't care anymore? What if he realises he doesn't love me?
It's been 5 days. He sent me a voicemail 3 days ago saying, "I just wanted to ask if you received my message. I love you."
I don't know whether to reply or to leave things as they are. I know we didn't get closure, but talking to him again would be like rubbing salt into a wound.
@notthere I'm sorry that you have gone through a recent breakup. My long term boyfriend dumped me recently and from experience it is incredibly painful to hear from him. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, it hurts to hear that he is ok (that he recovered so much faster than me), it hurts to hear that he is hurting (because that means all this pain is for nothing), it hurts to hear anything because when he reaches out I just hear him saying he couldn't do this anymore. When he reaches out I relive his goodbyes.
I don't think it is a good idea for you to contact your ex. I know how difficult it is to suddenly lose someone important to you. I remember how badly I wanted to hear my ex's voice when the silence felt deafening. But when I did hear his voice, it caused so much pain and no relief. It's possible to still love someone and know that there is no future between you two. And those realizations are the most difficult to accept.
It sounds like you are still struggling to decide what you want. You love him and it sounds like you still want to try to make things work. But you also said the relationship was toxic and that he wasn't working with you anymore to make things work. If you don't have answers to give him, if you don't know what you want from him or the relationship, then don't bring him into the confusion. That will only make it more difficult for you to figure out what you want. Instead you will figure out what he wants and you will still be unhappy. I know it hurts but I think you need to be patient.
If you figure out what you want and you have a plan in place to achieve what you want, then maybe you can contact him. But until then, calling him now won't change the type of relationship you have. You will still face the same problems, you will still be left confused, you will still be unhappy. I say you need to wait not only because you need time to sort out what you need, but he needs time to process what happened. I wasn't given time to process when my ex reached out again. He wanted me to try to fix our broken relationship before I could even understand that my partner of three years left me without any kind of warning. He was confused and he dragged me into the confusion and that made things worse. It's been just over two months and I still miss him but I also still get angry when he calls. Because he still doesn't have answers for me. He still calls to say he misses me and he loves me and he worries about me but he can't say what he wants from me or from us. He can't provide solutions to the problems he said we had before. His calls only stir up feelings, they don't fix the damage that was caused by the breakup in the first place.
I hope this helps. I realize our situations are different but I still hope it helps.
@SecretlyMe Thank you for your message. I'm really sorry to hear that. Breakups are always complicated, especially when you still love that person. Sometimes you have to walk away, not because you don't want to stay, but because you know that staying would mean sacrificing a part of you that you also don't want to lose.
Before we met, he also broke up with his ex of 3 years. He told me he had been thinking about breaking up with her for a long time so when he did it, it was final. She was what our recent fight was about.
We'd been together for over a year and they broke up 2 years ago and I still felt like she was his real girlfriend. She would initiate their texts and then leave him on seen or say something mean and then block him. She'd visit his house saying it was to see his housemate but she'd stay talking to him. It broke me many times to see how affected he was by her. He once even cried while saying it's okay if she uses him as a punching bag so long as it makes her feel better.
He never had that trouble with my ex.
Even if I love him, i know I don't wanna be with him anymore. It ruined my self esteem, gave me anxiety and brought back my depression. But I'm afraid he doesn't believe I'm serious about the break up. It's happened before. I think he thinks I'm just getting some space. So in a way, I am leaving him confused :/
@notthere That must have difficult to have his ex not provide you both with the space you deserved. She was wrong to treat him like that, she was wrong to try to compete with you, and it was wrong of your ex to allow her to keep coming back. I think you are making the right decision to walk away. Sounds like you expressed how uncomfortable you felt with her around and he chose to not listen. If he's unwilling to work with his current girlfriend, he's never going to have a successful relationship. I don't think he'll realize that until he's alone.
I'm proud of you for voicing your needs in the relationship. That can be so difficult in situations like these. I'm also proud of you for not compromising those needs when he refused to meet them. It's so easy to fall back on our stance when we don't get what we want because we are afraid to lose something else. I almost fell back on my own views with my ex. I had to balance my needs in the relationship for my want for him as a partner. My ex chose to leave because he wanted me to work on my depression and grief alone and come back when I felt like my old self. I stood up for myself and said that he either could stay with me during the hard times until I got better or he could leave and wasn't allowed to come back when I recovered. He chose to leave and I was upset. Of course he's tried reaching out again and I wanted to take him back. But I need to remind myself that he left when I was struggling. He waited until I was leaning on him for support and then he left me to fall completely. I told him if he left he couldn't come back and I need to stick to that. Its best for both of us if we don't get back together.
I know you feel like your ex might be confused. You feel like it's your responsibility to ensure he fully understands before you leave. I understand the feeling that you are treating him badly but it's really not your responsibility anymore. As long as you told him how you felt and you told him this is goodbye, it isn't your fault if he chooses not to believe you. The longer you don't contact him, the more he will realize on his own that you were serious. If fact, reaching out to explain yourself again will only support his current belief that this isn't a serious seperation.
@SecretlyMe Thank you, I really appreciate your insights. And for what happened with your ex, what he chose to do was cowardly. You're so strong for sticking to your word. I hope I can be as strong as you are in this.
I unblocked him today and he sent me this long, beautiful apology. "I just wanted to tell you, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I clearly have a lot to learn", he said. He also said things like, Were in this together and, We have to go through rough waters to understand how to navigate the ship etc etc. And then he ended it by saying that he hopes when this passes we will be in better circumstances and we can share our experiences.
And then I found out that his ex was eating dinner in his house with his housemates when he sent that message. Not knowing wouldn't have changed my decision but, it's just the thought of him probably being in a vulnerable state while she is in the next room.
So now, my heart may be broken, but Im taking comfort in knowing that he cant hurt me any more than he already has. And if he does go back to her, then he is weak, and Ill take comfort in knowing that I didnt settle for a coward.
It still stings, though. All I can think about is his eyes and the way he snuggled into my arms and all the philosophical arguments we had at the park.
I imagine the day this chapter will become just a memory and how Ill be missing these memories more than the person. Its all so bittersweet.
Thank you again for listening.
@notthere I'm in awe of you. That is so incredibly strong of you to not get pulled back by his words. I'm glad to hear that you aren't reacting to the situation that you have found yourself in. I mean that in a good way. I mean that it's good that you aren't reacting angrily, you aren't reacting vindictively, you aren't reacting violently. You have the insight to accept how this played out (even thought it didn't play out like you wanted) and you are taking those first steps in moving forward.
I'm sorry that it hurts so much right now. I know how similar memories plagued me when my breakup was brand new. It takes a while for those memories to stop popping up. It takes even longer for the feelings to ease up to. I have found it helpful to meet up with friends to take my mind off of it. The first few times I was such a debbie downer and I felt bad for bringing everyone else down. But My friends were supportive and now it doesn't hurt so much to go out. Now we do the cliche girl breakup activites (without acknowleding it as that) and it can be kind of fun. I went shopping with my sister and got some new clothes. I've gone out with my friends to get new makeup and change my look (only slightly). I have frozen yogurt dates with my parents to catch up with them.
I am trying to do more things for me and leave memories of him behind. Again, it took me a while before I got to this point so i geet it if you aren't ready to go out yet. But maybe keep in mind that contacting friends soon can really help you move on faster. When I first told one of my friends she suggesting going out for drinks. I was no where near ready to go out yet. She said it was fine and she put in a note in her calendar that we would go out a month later. It took the pressure off of having to go out but made me feel better that she was still being supportive. Maybe you can do the same with your friends. Updating them on the story and venting might be hard, but afterwards you can have a treat yo self day and you don't even need to acknowledge him anymore.
I feel sitting down with both of you would be extremely helpful. I am currently going through a very similar situation.
@IntrovertedOldSoul Would you like to share? (No pressure if you don't want to share publically.)
