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IntrovertedOldSoul
1,761 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts53 Forum posts39 Forum upvotes44 Current upvotes44 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 14, 2019
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Fear of conflict, sibling preferential treatment and not knowing what to do.
Family & Caregivers / by IntrovertedOldSoul
Last post
 September 29th, 2023
...See more Hi... I struggle with how to put years of issues in a concise message. But I will try. Background: x2 sibling, x2 parents who give preferential treatment to those siblings. This has always been the case throughout my life, but it affects my children and I dont know what to do. My family has never had Christmas day with my parents, they alternate between my two siblings, when I ask them round for christmas this year I get: "we dont go anywhere" or "you jealous" or "why would we come to yours for".....etc this hurts, I have told them it hurts and I just want my family to experience a christmas with you, and just to be treated equally: response: "we do treat you all equally, you are pathetic". The above is our normal interactions. My children have had some great achievements academically, and we invited them for a celebration dinner, but they say "sorry we dont go out" a week later my sibling partner has a gradation and they went had a dinner party, posted all over fb, when I queried them, I just get verbally shut down (I freeze and have panic attacks during conflict, they know this and they seem to do this to stop me asking, making me uncomfortable). My siblings love debating and seem to go out their way to disagree with people makes them feel good. I am the opposite, i shake, have panic attacks, stutter and physically hurt inside, I hate it. it stops me saying what I need to. How do I stop this? Now my parents are unwell and need care, my siblings have the power of attorney for their finances and health, we were all supped to do it but they cut me out, they only seem to be interested in their finances, I found out they all went round to my parents and made a will, I was left out of this (they were gloating to me) saying you will all get the same, but my siblings have been saying "dont expect anything, we will give you what we think you should have". I get called by my siblings and I am told what to do, go do this, go do that, do the cleaning washing, gardening etc....but I get left out of all the talks about finances, and gatherings etc.....I am constantly shouted at, bullied in the family whatsapp etc....If I try and stand up for myself and say i am feeling bullied and unheard, they laugh and do it more. I ask questions etc and get ignored etc... I dont know if its relevant but I am not well off financially, my siblings are very well off financially. My parents always praising my siblings when for the past three weeks they have been abroad and I have been doing all their care etc.....around my disabilities and around caring for my disabled partner and child. I know that I should walk away, but they are my family. It would hurt me more and they would not care. I dont know how to stop myself getting these feelings of freezing, feeling sick, shaking and stuttering during conflict, it takes over my life, I cant go a day wothout thinking of these things, In my sleep at work, etc....does anyone have advisories that they use to avid this fear of conflict?
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Confused about why I was blocked...
Relationship Stress / by IntrovertedOldSoul
Last post
 August 4th, 2021
...See more Hello forum members, I had a very loving 5+ year relationship that for many reasons (I am not aware of these) accoring to my ex resulted in us breaking up (they dumped me, ghosted me and blocked me). I have not seen this person or spoke to them in 5 months at their request. I was blocked on everything at that time. A couple of months later I get unblocked but they didnt reach out??? (why unblock?). Then a few days ago I bump into them in town, they made a point of coming over to me (I didnt want to disrespect their request for space, so didnt go over and tbh I didnt see them until last minute, they could have just avoided me), we hugged, laughed and talked for ages (bit of flirting too) we both left. Now today I was at the cinema, they were there with family and I droped a text letting them know I was there too, just so they knew. I was blocked immediately on everything and they avoided me after. I am confused???!!. They were very friendly the week before now this??? I feel they are being imature for what reason I dont know...same as the break up. Anyone have any ideas???
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Sibling enstrangement
Family & Caregivers / by IntrovertedOldSoul
Last post
 July 3rd, 2021
...See more Hello community members, I am unsure how to deal with a situation and looking for some friendly helpful advice. My brother has fallen out with the family because we were unable to help them financially with a situation (amongst other things). We did all we could but it was not enough. There was already difficulties because their partner does not like us (no idea why, when asked the reply is "they just don't"). My brother is quite a bully and blames me and the parents for what feels like everything that goes wrong for them. They have a child which we are not allowed to see and my brother was in hospital very ill recently (4+ wks) and we were not told by the partner. I found out bumping into one of their friends in the shops. We were blocked on everything which made reaching out difficult. So I sent an email and that got returned with abuse. I / we have tried to move past the issue into a healthy space but they want us to accept the blame for something we had no part in. So I said something along the lines of "we will own and apolgise for what we have done if you can do the same and we can move forward".....they hung up and its been 5 months. I am at a loss. They are alienating us from the childs life for what I and the extended family feel is very immature behaviour, and that child is losing half a family because of it. It has been very hurtful. Any ideas??
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Lost and in need of a map.
Relationship Stress / by IntrovertedOldSoul
Last post
 January 22nd, 2021
...See more Hi all, Me and my ex have been going through cycles, breaking up & getting back together etc for a while now. It has taken them a while to grow, sitdown and talk about it without it turning to conflict every time of which I am so appreciative for. We both understand where the issues come from (they cheated, they have issues with projection and emotional dumping). They see healthy relationship compromises as controlling or suffocting (eg I book a reservation for dinner, they turn up 2 hrs late no message or call and have a go at me saying why am I questioning where they have been? I'm controlling and suffocating, for saying: I had to cancel the reservation love why were you so late? for which I never get an answer). However, we can't seem to break this cycle of things going well for weeks / months then out of the blue they text and say: I feel guilty I need space (I get blocked on everything and they turn up at my door 2/3 months later as if nothing happened). I am always happy to give space but we end up back to square 1. I am baffeled that they hold onto something from over 5 years ago still. I forgave them and do not mention it until they bring it up. I can't help feeling used and quite upset about it all. When they need me i'm there, but when they want to distance it feels they hold this guilt card over us, then project onto me, if I dare disagree they get furious. When I ask for us to talk, they say thats all we do but eventually we sit down and talk, and were fine for a few months before we get back to square 1. I truely love this person and they say they love me. I am working hard at this, but this behaviour is exhausting. I know they have said they are an avoidant person and are highly neurotic. Any ideas? I am exhausted.
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Blocked on everything - Christmas dilemma
Relationship Stress / by IntrovertedOldSoul
Last post
 December 22nd, 2020
...See more HI community members. I am in a dilemma and not sure what actions to take. Just wondering if any community members have experiences, examples or ideas surrounding the issue. Me and my significant other were doing really well after a period of breaking up, things were going great between us then I get a message: "I'm sorry don't contact me ever again, respect my wshes" I am generalising to protect privicy but thats generaly what happened.I have a couple of dilemmas: First they are aware I have got christmas gifts for them and their family and its christmas this week. I am a respectful person but im in the dilemma of dropping over the gifts, I am blocked on everything so contact is not possible. Also I am finding it difficult regarding the respect aspect. I understand everyones morals and ethics differ. Mine consist of if the roles were reveresed I would not block them if i was the one breaking up, especially before christmas, and if i made the decision to end contact i would atleast respect that they want to know why and have a right to know why, as its not fair on their mental health to do something like this. Do I have the right to reach out and ask for a discussion regarding the decision? not knowing is very hurtful. What do i do about the gifts too? Thanks in advance community members. Merry Christmas to you all.
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Bringing up the past....
Relationship Stress / by IntrovertedOldSoul
Last post
 November 26th, 2020
...See more Hi all, I have a dilemma where I am trying to be positive and keep moving our "getting back together" forward. However, my partner is up and down, hot and cold. They keep bringing up past events where a disareement was had or I was upset (They told me they cheated and was then irritated with me for being upset, insisting they dont want a repeat of those events (upset). I was not the one who cheated but was upset because I care for and love this person. Another time they said they need space to focus on work, but they had been going on dates.) Its the dishonesty and manipulation I am struggling with. I am doing my best to build communication and trust but it is heavily onesided atm and shot down with bringing up the past (we have much more good than bad in our years together but they are highly neurotic and only focus on the negative). They are all over me one day and pushing me away treating melike a stranger the next...I just want some stablility. I am not sure how to approach this tbh....
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