He Wants Me to Stick Around for the Kids

Hi there...so this is a sequel of sorts to my previous thread, "He Wanted to Commit Then Dumped Me." I'm doing better, to an extent, since I posted that. I'm allowing myself to grieve and breathe and I've been reading two self-help books that are awesome. And I've gotten more involved here and activated a full account (I tried chatting with two different Listeners and leaving them messages, but that's a different story).

Here is my current dilemma. My ex has two children from his last marriage. They are both little boys, ages 6 and 9. He had been saying for a while he wanted me to meet them. I finally met them at the beginning of last month. It was very casual, very relaxed; I spent time with each child and played with them. I didn't talk down to them (I always hated it when adults did that to me as a kid) and apparently I was successful enough that, when they were going back to their mother's house, the oldest asked my ex if I could come back and visit/play again. This was before our issues popped up and so naturally I was thrilled that he liked me so much. My ex kept saying how it 'warmed his heart' how his 9 year old was so taken with me.

After that we started having problems (see other thread for details). But the weekend popped up, and I had said I would come visit the boys. Regardless of the issues my ex and I were having, I did not want to disappoint a child. So I kept my distance from him (again, this was before we broke up) and spent time with the boys. It was fun and I loved getting to play with them. It was when their father took them home that he asked me to spend the week with him (other thread for more details, sorry). I agreed, thinking we were going to resolve our issues and since I was now involved with the boys, maybe things were starting to get a little more serious.

Then comes the breakup. We talked the day after he dumped me and one of the things he said was "I don't let just anyone meet my boys; that should have told you I was serious." Okay, fine. I have always respected the needs of the boys before mine. But yet he doesn't want me 100%; he doesn't want to be exclusive with me; he says we are incompatible/he can't meet my needs/we have different temperaments. I have come to accept all that. It is hard but I need to accept it to heal. And in a way he's right.

This past weekend, I went out of state to work. Naturally we aren't talking as much. And I knew he would have the boys at his house this weekend. During a lull at work, he texted to say he had the boys and I was welcome to come hang out. I care about those boys, I would not hurt them for the world (I suppose I got attached to them before I ever met them thanks to him sharing stories about them)...but going back into that environment would be painful. Spending time with them but knowing their father doesn't want me.

We got into a brief argument about this. He got mad at me, saying I had promised I would not cut them off like a previous ex had done. I do not remember making such a promise, but at the same time it does sound like something I would say. I told him I was away on business and could not make it to his house. He said they had been asking about me and all he told them was he had invited me over.

Yesterday I was back in state and was available to see the boys, despite my mixed feelings. And my ex knew that, yet he did not invite me over. We talked a little and he said they had been asking about me again. I asked him what he told them and chewed him out somewhat via text, saying "you knew I was available after 1pm, yet you didn't invite me over and I'm not showing up unannounced." He has been quiet since.

So...in addition to my other feelings, this is tearing me up inside, that the boys like me enough to want to see me. They don't know what's going on between us and I have no idea what he told them yesterday. I like them...but at the same time, I don't want to be around their father if he doesn't want to date me.

Anyone else been in this sort of dilemma before? I suppose technically it's not my dilemma, it's my ex's (he doesn't want me but his boys want to see me)...but I care. That is my weakness, I care.

Would appreciate any words of wisdom. I am trying so hard to be strong but I keep breaking down in tears.