After all I did you're still leaving

@straightuprocker1998

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I had a nasty breakup a little while ago. We weren't together long at all (two months) but we fell deeply in love after being close friends for about a year. We were both 19 and loved music so we had a lot in common.

We both gave and received, got intimate regularly and told each other if something was wrong. We reassured each other. I fully supported her and it was all acknowledged. I was at her college graduation and she came to my bands' shows. She would say, "You don't change for anyone. You are so genuine and I want to be with you forever." (This only applies in the moment she said it to you, not an hour or a day later)

One time, we went to an electronic music festival as I wanted to experience new things with her out of my comfort zone. My mild autism kicked in mid-performance and I said I didn't feel good. (You were honest here, and communicated to her how you felt )She remained distant for the rest of the day and on other social outings after. (This sounds like she has passive-agressive tendencies, it tells me she doesn't know how to properly express or deal with anger. The way she was distant indicates she felt angry, but decided to express this by being distant. I do believe her past hurt was triggered here, which it has nothing to do with what you did or said) Soon after, she texted me this:

'I don't think this is going to work out. We're not on the right lines for each other. I can't deal with self centred people. (She is saying this, but then got mad and didn't communicate with you. She remained distant for the rest of the day, this tells me she behaved self-centered) I've seen the real you. You used me and f***ed me over. (She is a woman who was very traumaize and hurt in the past, so all of that trauma got triggered because she has not healed from what happened. Her view of the world isn't a good one, she probably always feel people are about to use or hurt her like some people did in her past. This has nothing to do with you, its her issues she needs to work out) If you really loved me you'd try to sort this out. (She is being manipulative and controlling here by saying "If you really loved me you'd try to sort this out", this is her way to force you to do what she wants. I wouldn't go along with what she wants, she is insecure and immature) I need a real man in my life.' (How immature of her...She needs to behave like an adult)

I was very upset (You have every right to be upset after what she said) as I gave her my best and vice versa but it still wasn't enough for her (You could give her all of the love in the world, but it won't be enough because she doesn't love herself. She needs to first feel love inside of her on order to be on a healthy relationship) and it ended just like that. (This clearly shows she would breakup if things don't go her way. She didn't even try to find a solution or face you in person) I also lost some close friends who accused me when I was just being myself. (What you mean by this?)

I would love to get your perspectives on this as it would help me to understand things more.

@freshLight64

Hello there! Thank you for your perspective it has helped me out a great deal! 😊

Regarding that last sentence, what I meant by it was that they said to me after we got together, "If you mess her round we'll mess you round." I don't know about you but that suggests to me that they were waiting for that to happen. And when it did happen in that fashion it kicked off and they instantly threw the blame on me- removed from our friendship group, arguments and more hurtful comments from them, everything. One of them even said "Arguing is health in a relationship". Yes, that's true. But what I won't tolerate is being treated like that and being told I'm something I'm not.

@straightuprocker1998

Oh i understand, i will definitely reply to it soon, but tell me more about what you said word for word before she got mad?

@freshLight64

All I said was I feel a bit uncomfortable and I need to take a break. It was then she went quiet and my friend who went with us said, "It's alright, you haven't made her mad." which I knew wasn't true as they were quietly gossiping about it right in front of me and she (my now ex) was clearly annoyed.

Another reason for my discomfort worth mentioning which I also expressed my worry at is that she nearly purchased some MDMA while we were there. I asked her why and she replied, "That's what happens at festivals." Only if you choose to do that though, which I didn't. Had she spent 40 on the MDMA offered by another festival-goer, I don't know what I would have done quite frankly.

@straightuprocker1998

"All I said was I feel a bit uncomfortable and I need to take a break."

What made you say that?

" she nearly purchased some MDMA while we were there. I asked her why"

What you mean by this, could you tell me more about it?

@freshLight64

1st: I was uncomfortable because the crowd was getting rather rowdy (I relish it in other settings and environments but this particular type of festival environment I was not familiar with)

2nd: she nearly purchased drugs at the festival and I don't know how much she would have taken if she had done so. I was scared that she would have put her own health and wellbeing at risk. Thankfully that didn't happen, but only because of the 40 price.

@straightuprocker1998

Regarding that last sentence, what I meant by it was that they said to me after we got together, "If you mess her round we'll mess you round." (Her friends sounds like the controlling, abusive and lack emotional self control kind of people. They are making threats all of the sudden, its not a good crowd to be around) I don't know about you but that suggests to me that they were waiting for that to happen. (Possibly, but they are way too over-protective of her) And when it did happen in that fashion it kicked off and they instantly threw the blame on me (This tells me she mentioned them a view that came from insecurities, which more than often it will be a false perspective from her, and they didn't take the time to hear your side) - removed from our friendship group, (This shwos they are not good people) arguments and more hurtful comments from them, everything. (They are being abusive here, in a way you i feel flad you are not part of their group after the way you were treated)One of them even said "Arguing is health in a relationship". Yes, that's true. (Yes is true if the argument is between two adults) But what I won't tolerate is being treated like that and being told I'm something I'm not. (I'm glad you didn't tolerate it because they were abusive towards you)

All I said was I feel a bit uncomfortable and I need to take a break. (This sounds reasonable, you didn't say anything wrong here.) It was then she went quiet and my friend who went with us said, "It's alright, you haven't made her mad." (The fact she went quiet all of the sudden indicates she got mad and took your words in a wrong way. I'll take a wild guess here, I feel she took your words as you feeling uncomfortable with her and wanting to take a break from her. I believe her insecurities were triggered because of her past, but her reaction has nothing to do with what you did or say) which I knew wasn't true as they were quietly gossiping about it right in front of me and she (my now ex) was clearly annoyed. (She has passive-agressive tendencies. She will not be able to express anger and disappointment properly because its very scary for her to be vulnerable, so she tells you nothing and then goes quiet being mad in hopes you somehow read her mind)

Another reason for my discomfort worth mentioning which I also expressed my worry at is that she nearly purchased some MDMA while we were there. I asked her why and she replied, "That's what happens at festivals." (She is dismissing and minimizing your worries here) Only if you choose to do that though, which I didn't. Had she spent 40 on the MDMA offered by another festival-goer, I don't know what I would have done quite frankly.

2nd: she nearly purchased drugs at the festival and I don't know how much she would have taken if she had done so. (This is a red flag, she could be addicted to this sort of things)I was scared that she would have put her own health and wellbeing at risk. Thankfully that didn't happen, but only because of the 40 price.

@straightuprocker1998 What your "friends" did to you was terrible. I am so sorry you dealt with this. I know how it feels to be abandoned the way you were. I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.

@OutdatedOatmeal

Thank you so much! It really means a lot 😊

@straightuprocker1998 So sorry to hear you went through this, I have been there myself. I don't have much advice from the other side of it unfortunately but I also have moments where I can no longer be in the situation I am in or have to look like a flip-flopper and change my mind on something because I quickly see I cannot handle it. (anxiety and on the spectrum) Have also been made to feel like genuine parts of who I am are somehow taken as an offense to others, as if I mean to hurt them or hinder them maliciously. Your being should not upset anyone, especially someone who claims to care for you. Agree with the previous poster as well, she showed her past hurts there too a little but her delivery was still flawed. Seems like you two don't mesh well after all, maybe can remain friends with the common interests. But whatever happens, above all else - do not take it to heart. I am sure you are a wonderful person.

@wriststowine

Thank you so so much! Your words mean a lot. She told me she wanted to be with me forever and assured me that this would work out. Therefore it hurt, when she said "I've seen the real you and I don't like it, so I'm gonna leave." I know this sounds REALLY cliché but it hasn't made me stop believing that I will find my special person. You think she is that when you're my age and here it seemed she wanted to and was doing everything she could to be that person. Guess my sincere honesty wasn't enough. Also my parents, who were incredibly supportive, said that they wouldn't want me to meet that person at 19 years old so you know haha!