Affair confusion
Ok so my spouse had an affair and called affair partner by my pet name. Spouse says it's because it was the OP's fantasy. It really hurts also all the intimacies they shared sexually and emotionally were the exact ones we share. But the really hurtful thing is my spoused has denied me of my sexual fantasies for years but acted all those fantasies out with the affair partner. Now I was the unfortunate one that discovered all the communication videos and photos so there is no hiding what was said and done. But the thing that I do not comprehend is my spouse says when the things are done or said to me they have meaning but when the same acts or words are done with the affair partner they do not. I will say the passionate things said to me were taken on step further with the affair partner. So this leaves me believing that my spouse is full of s^*t. We have been together 22 years and I am the type of person that won't tell you something unless I mean it. But I know I am different then most people. Can anyone help me understand how to sperate words and meanings by who they are said to? It really bothers me because I am a logical thinker and this I not logical to me. I feel like I need my boots for this one.
@Nevermore1845,
I feel you. I can relate to your story, my wife had an emotional affair. Things like that happen, and can do serious damage. Words are just words, you can't "analyse" based on ords. It will only lead to you creating your own stories which will only hurt you. I don't know what the current status of your relationship with your spouse is like. If there is love for each other, then I would definitely suggest to find a professional marriage counselor. Take your time to find one, if both of you are willing to work through this. Good counselors are hard to find.
Sending you and your spouse some healing energy and light.
Take care.
Thank you for commenting. So do you believe that the same words can be said to both the spouse and OP and mean different things? That is my million dollar dilemma. I say what I mean and mean what I say. How do you know what they are saying to you has meaning and the same thing being said to someone else does not?
Hi, I'm no expert and don't have any experience with this topic so am just going out on my opinion of what I would think, my thoughts are if he knows you like the words what he says to you and he means them maybe he would think to get this OP happy he would try the same words to them to keep them happy, might not mean he means it but maybe its the fact he knows thats what someone would like to hear so I guess he could mean it to you but not to the OP
@Nevermore1845,
don't even consider going there. I can tell by experience that words can be mischieving, and in situations like this only create stories based on what your thoughts want you to think.
Apart from that, everyone is different. And, again, words can be mischieving. They can also, in your perception, not aline with actions. Like (I won't go into details), my wife and I are in "danger zone". Not because we don't love each other. So anyway, my wife says she loves me, I do believe her. And then comes up with hurtful actions that, to me, collide with her words.
Again, don't start thinking and analyzed, please. It will do damage that might be beyond repair. The only one who has the answers is (surprise surprise), you. The answer is in your self, your core, your true being.
I'd suggest marriage/couples counseling to your spouse. If your spouse agrees, then you might have a foundation to work this out. By communicating, mutual understanding (as in, you don't have to agree, you understand where the other is coming from). By mutual compassion. By forgiveness. That is a lot and only an experienced outsider can help to guide and to show you both the way.
Take care.
Thank you for your help. We have been in individual counseling and had 3 different couples counslers. Like I said I am a very logical thinker and only say what I mean. So to me I am trying to see it from another perspective. We discuss it but seem to go round and round and it has not clicked for me. I will say I am hurt. It is not the actual affair I mean we are human. It's the lying and like I said it's realizing that the words have no meaning or all the meaning. I would never say those words to someone that I truly didn't mean it but then again I believe in honesty I feel if you respect someone you won't lie to them but I was raised where your word means everything. If I am going to cheat and I truly love you I will discuss it with you first. And yes I have had that discussion with my spouse in the past. All I ask is that someone respect me to do the same. So I truly do not know how to look at it another way. I am trying to be open minded but just lack the ability to comprehend from the explanations I have been given. And I will admit it is killing me to know that the only person in the world I have ever trusted was a fraud and that I cannot believe a single word anymore. I actually wonder if any of our life was true. Thank you for your time and advice.