10yr relationship, 2 1/2yrs married
I met my husband 12 1/2 years ago. After 10 years together, we got married.
Our relationship has been turbulent since the beginning. He cheated within the first year with his ex girlfriend and I couldn’t let that go for so long. After that incidence there was talking to other girls and sleeping with someone while we were in a break. in addition, he has no boundaries between his family and our relationship. He is so enmeshed with his family that I was never a priority, at least it felt that way. He also preferred to play video games all day instead of spending quality time.
We lived in multiple apartments together, I got kicked out of the first one because I was so hurt emotionally and became suicidal. I seeked therapy. We reconciled, next apartment we had a huge fight because his family was not on board with both families having thanksgiving together. The families never met and I thought it would be nice to bring the families together. That resulted in him leaving our apt for two months.
We reconciled. He spent 7 years of our relationship taking care of his grandmother, gave up school and work. There was no support from his family. His mother did not want to lose her job and risk her retirement so he sacrificed himself. He didn’t get paid for a few years until I found a program that would help pay him. It was minimum wage but it was something. As a result, I took on a huge portion of finances in the home.
fast forward and we are now married living in an apt across the street from his family. His grandmother passed away two years ago and my husband has been unemployed ever since. He would not help me with house chores, drank, did drugs, played video games, and it got to a point that a became frustrated with his behavior.
This behavior has always been present. it became difficult when I left my job and was seeking employment. This is when I really needed his support and he was unavailable to me. This led to resentment, mistreatment, fighting. It got to the point that last week he said this marriage is over.
i am completely devastated because I thought we could try therapy to resolve our issues. The love is there why not try everything possible?
@courteousAvocado7960
I can hear how frustrating and ongoing your trouble with this relationship has been. It absolutely makes sense to feel upset and conflicted when someone you love has been a source of conflict in your life. How have you been taking care of yourself recently?
Thank you listening. I have been doing the bare minimum because everything is so hard to do.
it’s been a week since my husband said our marriage is over. I’ve been in my brother’s house sleeping in my nephew’s room. I’ve got rock bottom. The future I thought I had is over. I am unable to accept this is happening
It feels like you hit rock bottom and the agony of losing him has taken over your thoughts and actions, I’m going through a rough patch with my husband of 10 years (dating) and 2 years (married) and he gave up 8 years of his life to take over his dads business after his dad died early on into our relationship, with that said, he brought a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage that I never knew about until a week before our two year wedding anniversary along with the confession of infidelity within our first year of dating. He’s kept so much bottled in and it’s festered so much that he’s asked for space and we’re currently sleeping in different bedrooms. I’m hurt and sad, and feel devastated bc despite all of that I love him and reassured him I was still standing by him because my love for him is greater than past mistakes, but he feels the need to fulfill promises he made to his dad who passed that he wasn’t able to fulfill because we got married. Everything has seems unbearable to do but the only thing that gives me peace and comfort is praying and asking God to restore my husband from trauma and restore our marriage.
Place you, your husband and your marriage in God’s hands!
Thank you for your reply. I pray that your marriage and husband can be restored.
Our stories are similar. My husband too suffered childhood trauma. His parents had drug alcohol addiction and domestic violence. He also went to the military and that had its own traumas. At every argument, I became the assailant, our relationship was going to end like his parents did. I was the abuser in his eyes. I became the blame for almost everything. I am not innocent, after years of coldness, psychological, and emotional abuse, I retaliated.
An added layer to this is that halfway into our relationship, he converted to Islam. We worked out our differences and decided to stay together. There were times where he picked and chose to be strict to his faith. He drinks and smoked marijuana almost daily and eats forbidden food whenever it is convenient for him to do so. But when it came to our marriage, last night, he told me he already said “I divorce you” three times and in Islam we are already divorced. I too have said that in moments of anger. He told me each time he said if he meant it. I offered marriage counseling as an option to see if we can reconcile or at the very least have some closure from this marriage. He rejected everything I said. He already made his decision and it’s in God’s hands. His cold and calculated tone throughout this process is what hurts most. Right after telling me there is no hope, he immediately says he’s fighting for the apartment we live in. The apartment was previously his mothers, so he wants to preserve the apartment and the status in the community he lives in. He said he always lived there. He never fully committed to me it seems. How could this be the topic so soon after telling me marriage is dissolved? I am so distraught that I could care less about the material. This hurt me deeply. I am back at my brothers as of last night because it’s too much to bear alone.
There are usually a few months time given to seek reconciliation or part amicably in Islam. I didn’t receive the grace period to try to salvage the marriage. I now have up to four months to figure out my next steps. This is devastating to me. I do not wish this on anyone.
i like you stood by my husband and felt our love was enough to overcome anything. I too will seek comfort in God. God bless you.
@courteousAvocado7960,
your husband does not sound like a bad person. However, he seems never to have been aware of what being married means. Being in a relship outside family. He apparently feels non-comfortable. Did you ever express your feelings, without running into discussions? Without judging? Mutual understanding? If he doesn't get that you simply love him, then it is time to move on. You cannot change others and he just might never change. And yes, that hurts, but ask yourself, how much more of yourself are you willing to give away?
Take care, take care of yourself first.
Thank you for your response. I agree that the he never was aware of our relationship outside of his family. I have expressed these feelings as gentle as possible and it would lead to defensiveness and as a result an argument.
even now going through this process, I asked if we could please go through this privately discuss matters amongst us. He said he has no privacy with his family and if we had to discuss something in their presence they would give the space to talk. This relationship never got the space to grow separately.
i simply do just love him and he never got that. He said I emotionally abused him and manipulated him when I begged him to please consider giving us time and therapy for a possible reconcile. To not give up on our marriage without trying every possibility. You are right that he will not change not for me or anyone, I think he actually told me that one day.
i gave my all to this and I was the one to always pick up the pieces and rearrange my life for him. It felt as though he always had a plan b, one foot in one foot out.
as i am writing this, it hurts so much to read it aloud to myself. I was never perfect but I thought we loved each other enough to make this marriage work. I need to reconnect with me. I need therapy for years to come to come to terms with all this damage and I can only pray for better days. i lost myself after all these years and I need to get back to me. Right now I don’t think it possible but I need to believe I can in order to heal. This is the hardest moment in my life. Thank you for your advice it is truly appreciated.
@courteousAvocado7960- I read and recognize so many toxic aspects in your relationship. Sounds like you are doing all the work and loving and he has been sitting back, not working, drinking and doing drugs. Gaslighting behavior etc. PLEASE take care of yourself, get the therapy. You deserve better. It is easy to interpret caregiving with love.
