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Hi,
I apologise for the long post, but it's a long story.
Nearly 4 years ago, in April 2021, I (24 now, F) met a man (about 47 now) on a social network. We were in a group chat about our favourite band, and one day he sent me a private message. We hit it off, especially since he had a great sense of humour. The Covid pandemic and the fact I had had to give up on a lifelong dream in late 2020 had triggered my depression, and I was in a really dark place.
At first, we were just friends, and would mostly talk about music and our favourite band's upcoming reunion, which he was going to attend, and keep each other company throughout the day.
He would sometimes flirt with me, as I told him I had never had a boyfriend and had never really been intimate with anyone other than an online friend. I also told him about my anxiety and my physical disability, which made it difficult to live independently. I relied on my parents for certain things.
He tried to talk about and engage in intimate stuff with me, as he sensed it was a sensitive topic for me. I told him I was scared of intimacy and did not want a relationship. I didn't think I was ready for one. But he was so charming that I eventually fell for him - hard.
We would chat pretty much everyday. I looked forward to our chats, we were getting closer by the day. I opened up about my family problems, my hopes and dreams, my biggest fears. I had finally found someone who didn't make me feel like a burden. He asked me to keep our relationship a secret - probably due to our age gap and the fact I have very controlling parents - which I did. At some point he asked me if he could also be intimate with other women, but I said no. He never brought it up again.
The whole thing was so exciting, and yet, a few months in, I started feeling guilty about being intimate with someone behind my parents' back. I told him it was best if we continued as friends, but I was so fond of him we ended up staying together.
There definitely were a few red flags, such as his inability to be vulnerable with me - he was somewhat cynical and very independent, and I never asked him about his private life because I sensed he didn't want to talk about it, and he only casually told me what his job was about 1.5 years ago - and his reluctance to share selfies. In fact, I don't think I saw his face until July 2024, when he briefly changed his profile picture to a sefie. He would sometimes send video messages, but his face was never visible in them. And whenever I asked him to come see me, he would either dodge my request, or say something along the lines of "I'll meet you in 10 years - you'll probably still be living with your mum". I didn't want to pressure him too much, so I would not ask him to come over or share a selfie often - I already knew the answer. He would also sometimes ask me whether I'd seen anyone hot, or met anyone nice, as if he was open to me dating other guys. I would always tell him "you are my hot man, and I don't want anyone else".
Despite these red flags, he was very supportive as I tried to become more independent, and would always tell me how proud he was of me. My love for him was so intense that I probably overlooked the fact he would talk about us being intimate in real life someday, but never made plans to actually come see me. And I don't know if I would have been able to go visit him on my own, especially in the beginning, given my disability and partial lack of independence.
Fast forward to late September 2024. An old friend I was no longer really in touch with mentioned a "flirty" chat we had in December 2021. I didn't recall ever being flirty with him, but I read our old chat, and I did send him a kiss as a friendly gesture. He had asked me to show him my bum, but I am quite sure I said no, as there was no evidence of me ever sending him such a pic in our chat. Besides, I had no feelings for that guy whatsoever. I told him I was texting someone (my bf), and he apologised. The next day, I told bf about it. He told me I was overthinking, that he would never be mad at me for experiencing friendship, love, or even passion with someone else, and that he cared about me and I meant the world to him. He added that, given how long it could take for us to be together, we might find someone more accessible. Tbh that came as a bit of a shock, as I thought we would at least meet once, and discuss the future of our relationship, but I assumed he was talking about a mere possibility, and so I tried not to worry too much. I told him I had no feelings for the guy, and that he was the man I loved. He asked me about him again that night, before one of our intimate chats, but he wasn't accusatory, he just seemed curious. He never brought him up again, and we continued chatting normally.
I told my therapist about him, and she said she was happy for us, and encouraged me to ask him to come see me, or at least have a videocall, and that she was willing to go with me to our first date. A few days later, my physiotherapist and I were talking, and I must have been a little distracted. She asked me whether I was in love, and I told her about him. She said pretty much the same thing as my therapist, and told me I should do whatever I pleased, regardless of what my parents might have thought. I told bf about this, and asked him to come see, or at least have a videocall with me for the time being. He didn't say no, but said something sexual in regards to the videocall, which I found funny. However, despite me asking a few times, without pressuring him, we never had said videocall. About the visit, he said he wanted to see if I was able to take care of myself for a week, which I showed him by cooking, taking public transport, going out alone, etc.
We were intimate while I was on a family trip in mid-October. I saw our favourite musician in my city on October 31, and sent him a video. He said he was still working, and told me to enjoy the concert.
The next day, he told me his mum was sick, and he might not be around for a bit. I told him I was really sorry, and gave him my number, saying he could call me anytime. He didn't give me his, I didn't ask him to. Up until December 24, our communication was quite limited, but I would still text him about twice a week to check in on him and his mom, and sent him a few video messages of love and support to him and his mom. I even offered to send him and his parents Christmas gifts, but he politely declined, saying he might have to move. I even applied for a visa to his country, which I still don't know whether I'll get or not, and forgot to tell him about it, but I was going to once things looked better on his end.
He would sometimes text me saying how hard things were, and that he missed me and was thinking of me. Fast forward to Christmas' Eve. He texted me to wish me a happy day, and I texted him back immediately, as I was just about to send him a nice video message. I was overjoyed to be hearing from him regularly again. Our communication went back to normal between Christmas Day and the 27th. He asked me whether I'd met anyone nice, I said no, but didn't ask him the same - I don't know why. He asked me other simple questions about my studies and family, as well as some intimate questions, which I was pleased about.
Between December 25 and December 27 we had more intimate conversations, and texted quite often whenever we were free. We both were going to be spending Christmas Day with family.
On the 26th or 27th I shared a sweet fantasy I had about the two of us, which he seemed to be pleased about. On the 27th we had our first moment of intimacy in nearly 2 months, before which I sent him a few pics I had taken just for him. I asked him for a selfie, and he sent me a pic in which half of his face was visible. He was very handsome in it, and I told him that. I was overjoyed, as he seemed to be opening up. He told me things had been quite hard, and I said I was so sorry. He said it was just a lot to deal with. I offered to go visit him, hopefully soon, and said I would do anything to help. He said "I appreciate that, but you don't want to be in the middle of this". I said I understood, and didn't bring it up again. Some time later I excused myself and went to lunch, and he said he might not be around by the time I was back (his mom was living with him).
Our moment of intimacy was about an hour later. He asked whether I was free, and initiated things. He told me how sexy I was, and I told him the same. Unfortunately, though, at some point he excused himself and said he had to go back to his mom, and that "this was fun". I said no worries, and something along the lines of "we can resume later". That evening (and possibly again the next day) I said I had taken some pics of me that he might like and I asked him if he wanted to see, and the next day I shared pics of a few items at my great-uncle's house which I thought might cheer him up (some wooden owls and a Hammond organ). He saw my messages but didn't reply.
I asked him how he was two days later, on December 30. He said he was heading out, and that he missed me. I said I missed him too and sent him a video message wishing him a good day. I think I gave him a big smile at the end of the video, as I often would, and tbh I think he might have disliked that. But unfortunately, I don't think he ever read those messages or my December 31 wishes, as they were stuck on delivered the whole time, which happened a few times since November.
He never replied. I opened the app again on January 2, and our chat had disappeared. At first I thought I had been blocked, or that there was some bug, as I could still look him up and see our chat. Once I logged out, he was gone. He still is, and, over a month later, hasn't reached out. I know he has an account on another social network, but he doesn't know I do, and he appears not to have been active on it over the past 3 years, so I don't think I'll ever message him there. I don't have any other contact information, I don't even know his last name. He has my number, and I showed him the blog where I post things related to my studies, so he knows my last name.
I am in extreme pain, and my anxiety is at its worst. I don't know if I triggered him in any way, I gave him plenty of space. All I did was be patient, supportive, and loving. My guess - since I strongly believe he was honest about his mom's illness - is he is currently unable to give me attention, or maybe he found someone else and didn't want to tell me about her. I wish we had at least had the chance to meet once, but sadly I don't think we ever will now. I wish he had told me why he left me, he was affectionate just a week prior. And while I realise he might have an avoidant attachment, he was fully aware of my anxiety and disability, which are made worse by stress. I feel betrayed, and used.
After he disappeared, I told my parents and sister about him, but they have no empathy and treat me like I'm crazy. They said I put myself through this, so they won't be offering any emotional support.
I miss my best friend and lover, and I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. I have a feeling he will come back at some point.
