Food for soul. [TW]
I will be sharing my writings here, quotes and poems. Some content might talk about Suicide and desth with graphic references. I will mark such posts at the start of posting it, so that any reader doesnt get triggered.
you know. we sometimes become something for someone, or have someone become something for us.
loss of either is immeasurable. its a loss of us
when we stop meaning something for them, for people whom we take from and give to. its devastating.
how do you cope with that ?
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. Hes a web designer.
We sometimes don't know what we want or how it looks like until we come into contact with an agent resembling that thing and helps us realise what we aspire to have or get.
These agents set the standards that we then abide by or aspire for and model our dreams after, which we won't have the chance to do if they never reached us.
We won't have know how good the good can be or should be, and it all comes down to our experiences and what we have seen that decided the standards we set for ourselves and can dream of, because sometimes it's impossible to dream when we don't even come into contact with something that tells us that things can be better or improved on.
I was thinking of writing this one
There are many ways a thing can be good and many ways for it to be bad.
And whats good for a certain moment or in a certain time or way might not be good in any other circumstance sometimes, and the same goes for whats bad.
Talking specifically about lets say mental ‘fortitude, I dont have the visible qualities that may represent it in certain moments, lets say I dont really deal well with things that are said to me when they are negative or out to get me. So it might appear and in some cases be a lack of mental ‘strength.
But I know I have specific mental qualities that are there because I dont have the perceived mental strength which allow me to be vulnerable and take in things more than I reject them and also feel more and give more, which allows me to heal and cope and face dangers like trauma when I am in it at an amazing rate and also cope extremely well.
And if you look at it, its great ‘strength to be able to face trauma or confront your emotions and feel them and be in touch with them, more so when they are sinister.
Just goes to say that everything can be both good and bad. Just needs to be seen in a different light.
And could I strive for balance ? I think I wont be who I am if I balanced it, and I maybe wont like me if I did, but its maybe because I dont think I can choose to.
I changed my perspective and just believe it's more important to be and see myself as a human and others as well, beyond their gender or my own that I was born into, and to obliterate with it the conditioning that comes socially about the preconceived notions regarding each gender which I also took subconsciously and were unhealthy.
Because there is a lot of bad and toxic notions which condition us and not for the better. So I believe it makes me a better person, it makes me a rebel, to reject and create my own reality be believing that there is a reality that's more truer and innocent behind what appears to be sinister.
And it's important to feel the good there is and know that it's there even if it can feel impossible to see and believe in because what we see and feel around is sinister on surface and sometimes all around us, denying us the belief that there exists anything else beyond it or even underneath.
Rebelde
I changed my perspective and just believe it's more important to be and see myself as a human and others as well, beyond their gender or my own that I was born into, and to obliterate with it the conditioning that comes socially about the preconceived notions regarding each gender which I also took subconsciously and were unhealthy.
Because there is a lot of bad and toxic notions which condition us and not for the better. So I believe it makes me a better person, it makes me a rebel, to reject and create my own reality be believing that there is a reality that's more truer and innocent behind what appears to be sinister.
And it's important to feel the good there is and know that it's there even if it can feel impossible to see and believe in because what we see and feel around is sinister on surface and sometimes all around us, denying us the belief that there exists anything else beyond it or even underneath.
Rebelde
I think we need an overhaul in the way we look at relationships and that they can be stepped up a notch in terms of the standards we aspire for in them. What might be seen as normal or ok in terms of things that happen in a relationship is such a massive letdown and far from "ok".
Is it possible to be in a relationship where you could always be respected, have kindness and avoid arguements by resolving them through healthy communication ? Absoloutely. Its far from being too idealistic or reaching for eutopia. its simple and far from impossible.
Two people who share empathy because they have developed it over time because they feel for each other can work on issues by knowing how to communicate and talking about absoloutely anything and evreything as and when things happen, to nip things in the bud and not wait to talk about it or ignore it because it seems "insignicant " or "stupid". Because its not insignicant if it bothers you, just need to talk about it in a respectful and healthy manner which allows you to get your point across and make the other person feel safe enough to not feel threatened by that message given to them so that they get on it and find a way through..
If you cant talk or feel safe enough to talk about whats bothering you or anything that needs to be addressed, then its a red flag and a major issue, because the most basic thing cant be done let alone done right, which is to communicate. At that point you can just find someone else who can talk and also makes you feel safe enough to talk or you stick with the person and hope they either change or you change and cope with it.
Its common to maybe argue with people you love, but it shouldnt be normal and it isnt, its really unhealthy and you should never have to be in a place to ever be able to come to do that if the most basic of things are done right, that is to communicate, which involves being a good talker and a listener.
And its simple. to talk and listen, but sometimes the simplest of things can be the hardest to do. Thats ok and understandable because not much education is given regarding mental health and effectively communicating.
Feeling unheard, feeling stupid, feeling bad, feeling hurt or so on are feelings and they are important.
First step is to recognise why they exist and that they are valid and for a reason and that it shouldnt be ok or normal to keep feeling this way or having to struggle through with it, because we deserve a better quality of life. Next is to address the cause of it and maybe it is something that your partner did or didnt that made you feel that way, so the best way out is to talk to them and tell them "i feel stupid and feel hurt when you dont listen when I try to share, I would like to work on it with you and understand your side better". Its simple really in the sense that we have to communicate a simple message, but understandably it can also be difficult if we never knew how to do these simples things.
It just depends on how your partner takes that message and reacts, if their reaction is something that puts you off and makes it even harder to talk about your issues, then it needs to be sorted as its unacceptable and shouldnt be tolerated, and all we can do sometimes is leave them and look for someone else who can listen well and communicate in a manner which is healthy and also they then work on what we need.
If I were to look into why we dont communicate well or let ourselves believe that this is as good as it gets is maybe because we have a poor relationship with ourselves and thats the standard we set for others to treat us by. What we say to ourselves and think of ourselves and believe we should get, all of it plays a role on how high the standards go in terms of relationships and anything else in life.
To conclude this, we need to learn to communicate and we need to be kinder to ourselves to allow us to expect better things and realise we deserve better and also that things can be better.
Is it normal to feel the way you feel ?
Maybe it is and maybe its not.
And maybe its more important to understand that all that you feel is for a reason and your feelings and emotions are valid even if they are not "normal" by popular opinion. It is still ok to feel angry or frustrated or sad for any reason there is, your emotional state should not be up for judgement or resigned to comparison over whether the whole world feels the same way or not.
We all are different and have different perspectives and different circumstances and different needs, and that means we are unique in how we react to or feel things, so we all can react differently at times under the same circumstances and it will always be valid, and we have the right to feel what we feel because its healthy to feel what we feel and to process it, rather than to belittle and invalidate ourselves over something we dont even have control over.
Its ok to feel and normal to.
I think its a big problem if those closest to us and those whom we involve greatly in our life and give great power to are the ones who dont make us feel heard, liked, understood, loved, wanted and happy.
Because the world is full of people and things that will not make us feel those things and which might mean we wont aspire to get things that are better because we resing ourselves to feeling unheard and unwanted by those closest to us, by having those people around us.
If i feel unhearrd ? Not good enough
If I feel judged ? Not good enough
If I feel unsafe ? Not good enough
If I feel unwanted ? Not good enough
There are standards and they should be that people who want to be with us and that like us should not have to be told to make us feel listened to, wanted, liked and safe. They shouldnt be told to do all those things because they should be a given. But they do need to be told how to do those things, because we should communicate what we need and how we need it and when we need it. We shouldn't expect people to read our minds but rather simply to just speak about the things that are needed and hope the other person can understand.
We dont have to make people like us if they cant, we dont have to make people understand us when they cant, we dont have to make people make us feel safe if they can't. If they cant. its not good enough and things should be better and we should accept that things cant always change and that we cant always do everything or make people be better to us, all we can do is look for a better or different quality of people in our lives with the belief that what we need and seek matters and is valid and important.
Its essence is that sometimes we shouldnt run after people or force the issue and that the best thing to do sometimes is to do nothing, and doing nothing can be the hardest thing to do, to not make people see sense, to not tell them to do things differently, to not try too much to get what you need.
Because what you need should be coming easily or shouldn't have to be chased after when in a relationship, because it can come easily, because there can be people who will take in what you need and hear you and like you and make you feel wanted and do the things that make you feel so, and they will work on things if they make mistakes.
Learn to do nothing