The Lonely Narcisisst Club Band

I'm not unique or special. My problems are irrelevant for the sake of comparison to others.

I just need a place to unload. I'm tired of talking these things around in my head over and over again, knowing that there is no one in my life that I would trust sharing these feelings with. 

I am so far from the person that I wish I had become.

To have created so much disdain at every stage of my life has gotten me to where I am today and I cannot do nothing good for nobody with this anchor around my personality.

@Egoassist

Hi, welcome. 💜 Makes complete sense what you're saying that you're just looking for a place to express a lot of things and be heard (i.e. how things came to be what they are, feelings you're experiencing, situations where you feel like you lack empathy or alienate others) as well as maybe learning or exploring new things (e.g. ways of embodying empathy).

What usually happens when you alienate people? I noticed you mentioned wanting to help but offering solutions instead of empathy--am wondering if it's connected to that.

Also, feel free to PM me if you'd like to have a long-term, back-and-forth, 1-on-1 discussion about anything.

@QuietMagic

Hello, Thanks for responding. I hadn't seen the reply until now, sorry for the late response., but I appreciate your insights.

Also, Thank you so much for offering the PM to help. That is a big deal. 💚. 

My goal for this thread is to organize my thoughts enough to fabricate an apology letter to all those I've alienated over the years. Good friends good families. Not necessarily in a pathetic submissive Manner but more of a legitimate how it happened.

The reason is because a little bit of my isolation, no legacy, etcetera etcetera but I think my driving force is that I want to be able to benefit people and I can't do it..... To this day..... With my knee jerk reaction dictated by narcissism.

Fabricating that letter will be facilitated by pointing out all the triggers that turned me into what I am.

I am proud for much of what I've accomplished but it is a lonely pride no one else has ever praised me for my efforts or my accomplishments and I tried so hard to get that attention but now all backs are turned towards me. I'm not crying or Boo hooing about this, I'm just pointing out that I can't reach the people that I want to if they have their backs turned towards me. 😕.

Anyway, thanks and I hope you have a nice day! 😊

Don't be afraid of PMs with Magic, Uncle. He's listener gold, there is no need to worry.

I'm sorry about how your family treats you, and has treated you. It makes it very difficult to be nice with them.

@cloudySummer

Thanks Cloudy, I did get a good feel from his comments. 

@cloudySummer
@Egoassist

😳 Thanks for the positive comments! 🙏 Kind of got my ego beaten up all week at work, but I felt good reading this and the boost is definitely appreciated. 💜

@Egoassist I kind of stumbled in here... It's a bit like I've run into a private conversation, and I'm not sure whether you're okay with me staying, or whether you'd prefer that those who know you from somewhere else do not interfere here. What would be your preference, Assist?

And... I promise I won't be shocked by what you're writing. I understand that being unable to work, and having time to think can bring out the sad memories and depressing thoughts. It's not unusual.

I still think you're one of the good people out there, just really had it bad, and are horribly down on yourself when you get the chance. (sorry about being so plain, I'm no good with subtle)

@cloudySummer

Thanks Cloudy, you're perfectly fine. It's not really private and you know I've always valued your insights so it's all good. Thanks for commenting.

The other thread turned into a more gentle discussions and I didn't want to ruin that. 

@QuietMagic

I really appreciate you offering, your time is valuable. I'd like to get my thoughts sorted some with this thread but in the future, if your time allows then, perhaps we could talk. I do welcome your insights as I post too. 🙂

Have a great weekend! 

@Egoassist

Thank you! Sure, can definitely feel free to continue exploring here, and then if PMs feel like an interesting idea in the future, can try to do that.

@IsayUncle

Hey, thanks for sharing. I'm having trouble figuring out how to respond, because I feel like there are a lot of moving parts and my head is spinning. 😊 At least from my perspective, the apology letter is an interesting and ambitious project but it adds *so much* complexity.

Just for my own benefit, am going to try to map out some of the different goals that are in play, as I understand them:

1) Clear self-understanding - I personally do a lot of journaling/writing, and sometimes my goal with that is just to understand what I'm thinking and get a clearer picture of what's happening, and I'm able to do that.

2) Receiving emotional support - When I add another person to the mix and share my thoughts/feelings with them, sometimes I still have the same goal as if I was journaling by myself (i.e. process and understand what's happening) and other people can often add new ideas/perspectives that lead to interesting insights that I might not have arrived at on my own. But there's also usually another goal added of, "I want this person to understand, care about what I'm feeling, and validate and empathize with what I'm saying so that I can feel some warmth, connection, etc.". And the success of this depends on who I'm sharing with, what I'm sharing, whether they're able to understand, what kinds of feelings they have toward me, their personality, etc.

3) Personal transformation - You've also pointed to a third idea (in your original post) of wanting to learn empathy, explore healthy versions of narcissism, transform the person that you are and how you relate to others into something different.

***

The apology letter feels complicated because... it adds other people's subjectivity to the mix. What are their goals, how will they react to the letter, what do they gain from it, do your goals match their goals, etc.

Something I'll share: an uncomfortable truth for me personally is that... sometimes I can think, feel, and write the most beautiful/amazing/interesting things... and when I share them with other people, they simply don't care. Or they don't feel it's relevant or don't get the same burst of excitement as I do. 🙏

If I'm hoping for a certain kind of reaction and I don't receive it, of course that hurts. (And if that happens over and over, then yeah that becomes a big problem. I wonder if you've had that kind of experience.)

So I've kind of involuntarily learned the habit of trying to consider the question of, "is this person likely to actually care about what I have to say and respond in the way that I want"? It's deeply self-centered (i.e. will they give me what I want if I share myself with them) but at the same time there are elements of selflessness in it (i.e. what is this person's agenda and what do they want, independent of what I want)?

It's not that I'm trying to be less self-centered or more objective/realistic or anything noble like that. It's just that in terms of my own selfish agenda, it hurts a lot more if I'm connecting with my vulnerability and hoping for something from other people that isn't going to happen. So it helps my well-being to try to understand other people's perspectives and anticipate how they might respond before I approach them with things that I care about that are sensitive.

That's sort of where I'm struggling with the letter, because the painful thing is, I wonder how other people will respond to it and whether it'll be what you're hoping for. I wonder if "here is a complete analysis of who I am and how I got to be the way that I am" will be something that they care about.

@QuietMagic

You do have so many valid points. That's the main reason I started this thread to sort all of those convoluted and debilitating thoughts that have been haunting me for 4 solid years.

You are right about "stupid" letters... I understand what those are. Been there, done that. 

A letter might have been a wrong representaion of my intention..... more of an explanation.... I know, gray area and possible same reults. I know. But that's what I'm going to sort here. Your post here is a great reference for me to come back to and digest. 

I didn't know all the destructive influences I lived through. How could I not see it until i was 60 years old. How much harm I did to others with niativity. So many regrets not seen never recognized.

Turning people off. Grade school. Normal or indicators. Disliked by siblings, Normal or indicators.... I'd say normal until they developed into a wrong direction. 

I may never questioned all of these things if it was not for the internet and all the dialouge that is evident of child abuse. As children, we just accept grave things as normal or not important. In the old days there was no connection to an outside collection of infractions for young ones to read and absorb. 

Maybe not so much of a letter but a story of why I turned into such a loser along with the balance of insisting I was better than that... A narcissist born.

btw, I was trying to keep this story/thread seperate from my more optimisstic threads by isayuncle.
I accidently posted one time while in wrong account. 

It's not a big deal but can you respond to Egoassist..... purge isayuncle from thread but it's ok..... i'll probably goof again. (Kind of stupid I guess) but thanks anyway.

And thanks for the post. 😃

@QuietMagic

if "here is a complete analysis of who I am and how I got to be the way that I am" will be something that they care about.

At this point I don't think I wholly care how they react to it. The keyword being "wholly" of course I do somewhat. I want them to know that I know and how sorry I am about it. Just saying you're sorry is sometimes not enough. People wanna know what you are sorry for. I'm not sorry for my personality disorder I am just so sorry how much it has discouraged others.

Agreeing with the idea that this is a very complex endeavor with numerous intersections, I already understand that people are earnest with your own survival and my past will probably have little impact. 

The depth that I go into this for myself will be beneficial for me. There's a part of me that thinks if I share it accurately perhaps it can help somebody else relate and understand things about themselves better. That could just be the grandiose nature of narcissism.

It is really strange that my earliest memory. It seems I was about 3 years old. Perhaps it was just a dream well perhaps I was much older but the memory goes like this.

The background is of an alcoholic father who all my older siblings say beat my mother and he lost 130 acre farm through irresponsibility. I was the baby of seven.

My 2 middle  brothers we're pulling me in a wagon.. It was One of those wagons that had the wooden sides like a western theme that the sides would pull out. I don't remember the farm but my father lost it irresponsibly. For some reason I remember this road they were pulling me up on and it went uphill and they were arguing about who's going to pull me. I've never made it back to that farm to see if there was a little hill by the front door. But they decided to turn around to go downhill. After a while my middle sister joined us. When she did, we were a good bit down the inclined Rd. And they asked her to bring you back to the house. And they all got to find in and are you in and carrying on and I remember I started crying like a baby. And finally my sister begrudgingly grabbed a wagon and started back towards the house. 

I remember that as my very first memory in life; not being wanted. I don't know how accurate it is. I don't know if 3 year olds can remember details. At about 3 years old, my parents separated and all the children went and lived with my mother in the low income projects and she worked all day. At those projects I had a little western wagon like that.

That sister hated my guts as our adolescent ages approached and onward into adulthood. In reflection, I understand sibling rivalries are quite common. But that hatefulness had an effect on me. 

@Egoassist

*And they all got to find in and are you in*

(And they all got to fighting about it and) - correct

Add-in... The whole thing from beginning to end went from my brother's arguing to begin with and then complaining and then arguing with my sister to me crying feeling like i was bad.

I'm in a real bad place right... Not harmful... just bad mojo.... Pathetic and selfish.

I do not want to share these feelings on my other threads. I didn't want my other threadster friends see this level of frailty but I messed up and posted using crossed usernames.

I'm weak and pathetic right now. My narcissistic personality he's left me with no calming, loving and understanding resource. Just because that's not uncommon doesn't mean it's easily bearable.

The past two years I've ignored my downside and push past obstacles thinking that I would get on top and then be able to handle these other things in a positive way. I didn't get high enough fast enough and have absolutely fallen to rock bottom. 

All my grandiose ideas, I got good acreage for tourism business, I've acquired licenses and certifications. I've got equipment big enough to shape the land and I did all that in two years. If I can stay responsible I have more work then I can do..... But I'm tired,, my world came crashing down around me when I had surgery on my arm and had been out of work for four weeks now. There were so many things I could have done in this time. But I got consumed with self pity.

Completing my narcissistic compilation wears heavily on my mind. I think I'm spiraling out of control but through experience, I know I can't let go of that shiny thing in that coconut. (the monkety trap)