SAD, covert narcissism and self doubt
Hi, everyone. I'm sorry, but I had to get this off of my chest, and I can't do it anywhere else. This will be long, I'm warning you guys. I know you probably won't care about what I'm about to say. I'm not asking you to resolve my problem from your home, I just want to know if there is someone with my same experience. I suspect I might have covert narcissism. [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21] And this is destroying me.
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I've never been professionally diagnosed with anything, but I thought I had social anxiety. Recently, though, I noticed the similarity between SAD and a form of narcissism: covert narcissism. [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21] I had always thought I was kind of self-centered, because you have to be at least a little to think that old lady on the bus is gonna pay attention to your weird walk on a moving vehicle, for example. But now it's different. I'm not going into very specific details, because you don't have to diagnose me or something, but the clues were pretty consistent, or at least that's what I thought. [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21]
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The problem is before I sometimes tried to brush these thoughts off, thinking it was just my low self-esteem putting myself down. But then my doubt would take me and make me think I was just justifying myself because I didn't want to face the truth. And so on and on. Pretty normal, I guess. But in time it's gotten to a point I can't think A SINGLE THING for sure. I'm doubting every thought and action, not only mine but also from others, and the �motivations behind them. Am I obsessing over this? Maybe, or I wouldn't be here boring you all with my stupid problem. Am I just saying this to obtain your pity? I don't even know.
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I can't even tell if I'm depressed or not. Does that happen to any of you? You think you're just faking it to be the victim and be treated as such, to feel special. I legitimately might be just be doing that, it's just that sometimes it feels I'm overestimating my "sadness", sometimes that I'm underestimating it. It's the same problem all over: what if my "depression" is just me being sad about not having the attention I seem to want? Or are my negative thoughts just finding a bigger reason to beat me up over? Or is the latter just a way to hide the reality to myself? I know you can't answer. I can't either. I just want to know your story, if you've thought the same things I've thought. You see, my crisis got worse since I realised I might have covert narcissism. [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21] How do you handle the realisation? [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21]
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I know, I ended up just venting with too many words. Sorry if you notice I'm being incoherent, I know very well I am. And sorry for any grammar mistakes. Am I just asking again for pity?
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Any social anxiety sufferer with the same doubts? Anyone else with covert narcissism that can explain better what it's like to have this? [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21] I can't stand this doubt anymore
[Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21 per subcommunity guidelines; removed stigmatizing and generalizing descriptions of NPD]
@letsalljoinhands
Sorry to hear that you're struggling with all of these. It sounds like it could definitely be overwhelming. You mentioned you have never been professionally diagnosed with anything. Would it be helpful for you to see a therapist and get a diagnosis ?
@HalliwellSister Thank you for your help. Yes, you're right I would benefit from that but I don't have enough money to spend it on a therapist, I could with a stretch but I'm not financially independent. I still could go to a state founded centre but the waiting list is quite long. But maybe it's the best solution, and I've been thinking about it for a while but haven't been brave enough to call yet. You inspired me again, thank you very much for your time and consideration :)
@letsalljoinhands
youre very much welcome. A wait list can be frustrating but the help you get when they can see you is amazing. Let me know what you do.
@HalliwellSister I ended up calling yesterday, and I have to thank you for that. Still, I feel like I totally shouldn't have, because I don't actually need it, I'm fine, I'm just making this up, I'm the bad person in this. But rationally it's probably the best thing, because I can finally realise how right or wrong I am on feeling how I feel. Hope you have a great day, thanks for caring :)
Thank you for your help.
@letsalljoinhands
Just letting you know I moved your thread to our new section! Hopefully you get more support this way.
You. Just you.
I never thought someone was REALLY feeling the way I do. I didn't read all, to be honest, but I got the main parts. I do feel that I might be just pretending my depression (every feeling, to be specific) And I feel like I am soooo empty inside. I also worried how people see me - even when they just walked by or drove by. Like I have a mask of sympathy but behind that just emptiness.... Holy Mackaroni. Someone who feels the same! :o
I know exactly how your feeling.
And as sorry as I am that someone else is having these feeling ... I am glad I'm not the only one , feel a little less nuts thank you .
The more I research narcissism [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21] the more I question if it's even real . There are certainly types of people that without a doubt have no empathetic emotions and that will use people maliciously. But for the rest of it .... it seems to be a pretty blanketed term. If you dig deep enough there's one sign or another that can apply to anyone . Who doesn't like attention ? Who doesn't like to feel good about themselves ?
I'm starting to think that this is where our confusion lies [Edited by QuietMagic 12/9/21]
So I've personally been on a path of trying to figure out if I'm being shelfed or if I'm the fantasy , I have been a victim of love bombing or if I'm simply thinking to deeply into someone's actions . It's very confusing .
[Edited by QuietMagic per subcommunity guidelines; edited generalizing language about NPD]
@Nero01
Hi--sorry that you've been having that experience. 💜 That's a really great point that things like wanting to receive attention, wanting feel good about yourself, and wanting to feel loved are pretty common/universal experiences.
And sometimes in trying to get those wants satisfied, it might end up conflicting with another set of wants to avoid hurting or burdening people. So it can be confusing to figure out where the line is of, "Am I doing something wrong or are other people doing something wrong?"
@letsalljoinhands I have absolutely struggled with the exact same thing for years. Ever since I stopped ignoring every emotion I had, I just can't figure out what's going on in my head. It has gotten better with watching YouTube videos and spending a lot of time alone monitoring my thoughts though.
For me I realized that I am definitely a vulnerable, covert narcissist. I have no idea if that's true for you or if it really is just your social anxiety that makes your thoughts surround yourself. And I don't want to influence how you feel about yourself. But for me I feel like I have anxiety, but I think of it separate from my narcissistic traits.
The things that confirmed for me that I'm a narcissist is how much I think about myself, how much I judge other people in my head, how I try to make myself look like the innocent little nice victim, and how I lack empathy for other people and their experiences.
If any of that sounds like you though, don't be afraid. I was scared out of my mind when I first started to put all of it together. I was just going to give up and lock myself away from people for the rest of my life because "I'm such a bad person". But them I realized that was just feeding into my victim mentality. If I wanted to fight this demon that was inside of me I would have to own up to who I am, how I think, and how I act, and just try my best to change it.
I definitely don't have everything figured out yet and I still get really confused and second guess myself all the time, but because I have these concrete traits that I've seen in every YouTube video about narcissism that has help clear a lot of the confusion.
The confusion was honestly the worst part, so I'm really sorry you're going through that. It feels like you have no control over what goes on in your mind and you can't even tell how you feel. Like how the heck am I supposed to make decisions or improve myself like this?! If I could suggest anything, just spend a bunch of time alone and thinking to yourself with no distractions. No music, no tv, just silence and you. I do this during my commutes to work in the morning and on the way home.
Like I said I am a narcissist, so take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt. I just know that helped me figure out what was going on in my head when I was confused like that.
I hope you figure everything out!
@MyChapstick
I'm glad that that time by yourself for contemplation has felt helpful. 💜
For me personally, I feel like I've tried to balance a couple perspectives on some of those different feelings (e.g. emotional hunger, loneliness):
- Those feelings are understandable and there is something valid behind them that is looking for comfort, acceptance, recognition, love, honesty, being allowed to exist, etc.
- But sometimes directly expressing and acting on those feelings leads to bad results and either hurts me or hurts other people, so I find that things go more smoothly if bracket off those feelings if I'm making decisions or interacting with people
@MyChapstick
You have put it quite accurately!
@letsalljoinhands Your feelings sound really painful. I can relate to having symptoms of NPD, and at the same time having the insight to realize it is ruining my relationships and making my life worse. It's not an easy thing to work on, but with time, effort, and years of therapy, it is possible to make significant progress. It is possible to change your behaviors, and your relationships, if you choose to put in the work.
hello! i read your whole text, because I related to it really deeply. I'm in a very similar situation myself, these days ago my girlfriend found out about covert narcissism and told me about it. i said i didn't know if I had it, then said i had it, then said i didn't, to calm both of us down. I've been thinking about this every day though. and searching on Google every day "can narcissists be good?" "can narcissists be better people one day?" i really worry about being a bad person. i am overanalyzing every thing i do, think and say, and most things seem self centered. it seems that i mostly feel envy, threatened by people i envy, that i want people to pity me and that i wanna be the victim. i was diagnosed with schizoid, but I'm going to see my psychiatrist next week to ask him if I'm narcissist. i never told him these symptoms before, i think I really should be a covert. you're not alone, seriously. i feel relieved that I'm not alone either. as someone commented previously on this thread, we can change and learn. we don't have to be victims. we can use our critical thinking!! i hope you're feeling at least a bit better by now. have a good day/night
here's an update that maybe could help: i saw my psychiatrist and he said I don't have NPD, that i overthought this because I'm extremely anxious and self aware. i know not everyone can see a therapist but here's some advice: people can have narcissistic traits bit not have NPD, it depends a lot. try to not live under an illness label and to keep yourself open. be patient with yourself and have compassion for who you are, you deserve love. wishing you the best!!
@letsalljoinhands
Hello.
I feel that highly sensitive narcissism/ vulnerable narcissism ( I prefer the former 😁) is not something to be afraid of.
If it makes anybody feel better (of course, no offence to grandiose narcissists who might be reading this! ), grandiose narcissism is radically different from the above.
Link to a similar question, and answer..
https://www.7cups.com/forum/PersonalityDisordersSupport_81/NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder_1067/Ineverdevelopedanideaofself_54471/?post=3041811
Thank you for reading.
