@kindTurtle3738
Really appreciate you sharing. 💜 There are so many experiences and feelings there and I imagine I'd have a really hard time sharing everything that you've shared, especially given what you've said about how there's this "battle between being numb or feeling the pain".
That's really sad that nobody was able to save her when all she wanted was for someone to tell her they wanted her to stay. 😟 Can understand what you're saying that stopping eating felt like it helped because the physical emptiness kept your mind off of that guilt and emotional emptiness.
(I wonder if also with what you've mentioned that your siblings pressured you into turning off your emotions... maybe having that physical emptiness felt like a way of honestly expressing and honoring that part of yourself that still felt emotionally empty. And also honoring the enormity of the loss of your friend and how much her life mattered to you.)
"I adjust pretty good to whatever rabbit hole I fall in. I have to be ok with that if I want to survive." That makes sense. Like if being numb is what's necessary for survival, it isn't ideal but it's something you're okay with if that's what it takes.
"I can't handle changing whoever I am." Sort of like, "I can't pretend that these feelings of guilt, shame, etc. don't exist or pretend to be completely normal when I know I'm not normal; this is who I am right now and I have to make the best of it"?